Thankful.

My family is not really celebrating Thanksgiving as my brother is not coming home for the weekend as I had hoped. I haven't seen him in about a year. Last time he saw me, I was very, very sick with my ED. He told me stopped several times on his way to and from our home up here in CT (my brother works/lives in Virginia) because he couldn't stop crying at the thought of seeing me. And after seeing the reality of what I still looked like, it broke him. I wish very much that he was coming home this weekend, so I could show him how much better I am. I'm glad that we are able to at least talk online. But still, I know a part of him won't believe that I could really be so much better until he sees it.

I have many bad memories of Thanksgiving, especially over the past years. When I was 18, I tried to kill myself on Thanksgiving day. I have a tattoo (as seen back in May I believe) that was a tribute to this. I remember it very clearly. After my attempt at suicide, I sat in my room crying. My brother was the only one in the family who wanted to take care of me. He sat there in my room, watching me, crying with me for hours. After we talked for a bit, I got up the courage to go into the kitchen and drink two Ensure Plus's to make up for the meal I had not eaten earlier. And it was on that night that I was determined not to let anorexia consume me anymore. Its been three years since, and I had many more struggles to deal with since then. But I will always remember that my brother has never let me give up hope. Even when everything seemed bleak and without light, he never fought with me over the AN or treated me like an invalid like my parents did. He always wanted me to remember that I was human, that I would make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn't done - but that it was OK because as long as I tried to fix it, better days would be possible.

What am I thankful for this holiday?

~My family's patience and strength to carry on with me after all these years.
~Finally being well enough to eat and enjoy a slice of strawberry cheesecake (oh yes, I am)
~Having friends, a job, and school to look forward to every single day.
~ Having "met" all you wonderful and lovely people. Even if it was through not so pleasant means, I consider you guys to be some of the best people I've ever come into contact with.

Most importantly, I am grateful for my life. As silly as it may sound, I spent many years wondering what my life was even worth, questioning my existence and purpose. I used to believe that I suffered like I did because I didn't deserve to live. But now I have come to the conclusion that my eating disorder took the path that it did because the powers that be knew I could survive it, learn from it and eventually be able to help other people. Every single time one of you guys say how I've helped you, even in some small way - it brightens my day and makes me realize that this has all been worthwhile and that there was a reason for it all. I am thankful to have you girls and the comfort you offer me.

<3 Tori

Sunday.

So today is my very first ever Sunday off of work. Happy? Not really.
I am really struggling with lack of appetite lately. I've become very dependent on peanut butter and a few other high-cal staples in order to get enough in during the day.
Why am I struggling? Everything was going so well, right?
No.
The boy and I keep fighting. I cannot stand it. Its over the stupidest things - comments and remarks he makes that I find hurtful when they were "supposed" to be in jest (or so he says after realizing I've been hurt). We went out to dinner after I got off work last night. He was legit trying to provoke me from the moment he picked me up, all the way through dinner. Actually stated, to my face repeatedly "I am going to ruin your good mood." and kept asking "Have I made you unhappy yet?" So on and so forth. I feel tremendously guilty, but I just could not finish my dinner. I ate about 85% of it. On some level - it marks improvement. I didn't actively restrict and had no thoughts about not deserving to eat because of the arguing. I just didn't have an appetite and couldn't force in anymore (For the record - I finished off a sandwich from Panera, 1/2 of a black bean soup and 3/4 of an apple. Pretty darn good, all things considered.) But on another level - it saddens me to think that the deteriorating quality of the relationship upsets me to the point where I can't even enjoy dinner.
The few people I've talked to about how things are with him lately say he's becoming mentally abusive and is taking advantage of my patience and my good heart. I'll be honest - we went back to his house to talk. As I was telling him that I couldn't deal with it anymore, I started crying. I never cry, and tears just started rolling down my cheeks one by one. Then he told me not to cry and he started crying too. I care about him a lot, but I know this is not a healthy relationship. Sigh. I wish I could fix it. I need to accept that I cannot save everyone. I am not the answer to his problems and I cannot mend the hurt and anguish he still holds from the last relationship he had. I don't know if things are worth salvaging or not. We've talked about this before - just a few days ago in fact. And then he does this - purposely trying to provoke and upset me. I told him the other night that I'd see Twilight even though I didn't really want to. He asked why. I told him "Sometimes you do things you don't really want to do for someone you care about. Its called give and take." His response - "Yeah but I don't want to give. I just take." And then more attempts at provoking and insulting both me and himself ensued. It is truly hard to deal with his antics, talking about how I'll break up with him eventually. I got mad at him for some unnecessary name calling and he just walked away in a huff, like I had done something wrong. "I'll go wait by the car because no matter what I say you'll get mad" What?

Logically I know I don't need that kind of %$#% in my life. Sigh. My heart has a hard time letting go of people though. No matter what anyone has done to me in the past, I am always there for them when they need me and will do anything for them that I can. So its a very foreign concept to me - to just let go and say "I'm done." I'm not sure I know how. But I guess I have to try? I don't know. I want it to be fixable. But I'm not sure if it is.

I'm sorry for posting about all this drama. I guess I just kind of want some reinforcement. I don't really have any real life female friends to talk to about it, and my guy friends will be like "Dude! Fuck him, date me instead." And that doesn't really help me out much. Sigh. I hope you all don't mind my bit of ridiculousness.

Saturday 11/14

Hey lovelies! Sorry for the lack of postage. With the holiday season and midterms, things have been kinda crazy lately between work and school. I have to get up at 3AM on Black Friday to get to work for 4AM and I'm there til sometime midafternoon. Totally dreading that. Apparently, it going to be the retail version of Fight Club. No cellphones in or within 100 yards of the store - has to remain in my car, in the SEARS parking lot next door, turned off. No speaking to anyone outside of the store about what goes on inside. No contacting anyone while on shift. Crazy right? Sigh. Mostly, I just hate how thrown off my schedule will be. I've already decided to tell myself three things: I will not worry about many cigs I smoke, how much coffee I drink, or how many calories I eat that day. FREE REIGN.

New find I found at the local discount store:

Gingerbread, Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Mocha latte mixes!

We all know what my first instinct was...

Ginger Bread Latte oats!
1/3 cup oat bran cooked with 1 packet of GingerBread Latte, about 2/3 mashed in 'nana. Then topped with 2TBS cinnamon raisin peanut butter, handful of walnuts and the rest of the sliced banana. Soo good. I can't wait to try making concoctions with the other flavors, though this was really, really yummy.

And here's how I spent my last sculpture class. Ladies and Gents, I give you Clarence the green elephant.

I actually made about five of these and gave a few away. PJ was given to a girl in my art class, and Clarence was given to Dan. I love my sculpture class just a little bit more now, after sitting there looking at a stack of left over mini-notepads and realzing I could turn them into something awesome. Everyone in my class thought I must have seen a pattern online to figure it out. But no - I was legit just folding pages and out of nowhere exclaimed "Hey! I can make elephants!" I admit to having been questioning my choice to be in the art field, and was doubting my ability to create. This kind of restored my faith in myself.

Hope you all are having a great weekend! Despite it all, I know I am.
<3

Sigh.

Blogger is being a pain in the butt and not letting me comment on people's blogs. I'm terribly annoyed - there is so much I feel like I need to say. So, given that I have the entire day today off from school and work (yeeahhh boy!) I'm going to write a post touching on all the topics I feel need to be spoken about.

I have seen so many of us struggling lately. I empathize with all of you greatly. I truly do. This time last year - I though 95 pounds was the perfect goal weight for my height. I'm 5'8". We all know that was absurd. But it was what my eating disorder told me was the upper limit of acceptable.
It was very challenging to get past that weight. But in time, I began to see what I really looked like and realized how much more I truly needed to gain. And by time, I mean over the course of 6 or 7 months. When I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now, I looked in the mirror and saw someone ten times larger than the person that I see looking back at me now. Doesn't that tell you something? It takes time, weight restoration and continued nutrition for the eating disordered thoughts and perceptions to fade. For the time being, you have to recognize that what you see and sometimes think is not based on reality or truth - but rather a conditioned response created by the eating disorder. You can recondition yourself to think and feel differently about your life, your body and yourself as a person. But, like all things, it will not happen overnight. And it sucks to have to deal with it. I'm the first one to admit - recovering is fuckin' hard. It doesn't really get perceivably better until you are nearing the finish line. Even the last five pounds I gained recently were hard. I waffled on my decision to gain more weight for weeks. But after going back to school and work - I saw what REAL people looked like and I was far too thin in comparison. And I can tell you, it still amazes me now how much different my perception and feelings towards my body are these days as compared to ten months ago. But the point is - you do it anyways. Despite how hard it can feel. Because you know what - no matter what you do, your eating disorder is going to make you miserable. You might as well suffer on with its abuses knowing full well that it's screaming so hard because one day, sooner than you think, you will have a life to call your own again. That's how I had to look at it and it helped me a lot to remind myself that one day, all of the hurt and negativity would be gone and that I would be happy. Its hard to believe, I'm sure. But if you knew how miserable I was in my eating disorder, you'd know that for me to be able to say any of these things in truth is incredible. For the longest time, I punished and abused myself because of how negatively I felt towards my own existence. I didn't think I was worthy of the negligible amount of space I took up on the earth, I felt I was a burden and a useless one at that. I believed that the starvation and OC exercising would somehow cleanse me and make it right for me to be alive. I kept waiting for the day where I would wake up, look in the mirror and see someone who I felt was worth living for.

That day never came while I was entrenched in my eating disorder. That day did not come while I was still struggling to come around in my recovery. That day has come now that I am at a healthier weight and have long since overcome my fears and continue to do the things that I want to do for ME every single day. We have to make peace with this fact, or else we never get anywhere.
I can honestly say, I look in the mirror now and while its sometimes hard to believe its really me, I always see someone I think is beautiful.

Such Coincidence.

"You are more attractive than you realize, and someone is going to make it their job to help you understand that today. Be happy and gracious when someone calls you beautiful. You should believe them -- after all, why would they lie? Your self-esteem has been taking a hit lately, mostly because you are listening to the tiny voices of doubt in your head. Stop it -- those voices are full of lies." - Yahoo Astrology.

The amazing amount of truth behind my horoscope this morning is almost unsettling. Lets hope that its real and that it does get better.

As the days draw by, I'm getting more and more fed up with this way of life and I think I am getting closer and closer to finally, truly, breaking free from anorexia. I know I've said it before, and every time I do say that - I seem to make another step forward. I'm getting to a point where I hate the counting and checking and portioning. Its a major stress, as I'm sure we all know. And I'm slowly beginning to see that its not necessary. My body knows when its hungry. It knows when its not. I've had days where I eat a 700-calorie breakfast, feel hungry an hour later and make a PB sandwich. But then I won't be the least bit hungry in the afternoon. I've had days where I eat a 500 calorie breakfast because I'm just not hungry in the morning, but then in the afternoon I'll have a snack baggie of trail mix or a yogurt with granola after lunch or (god forbid!) a few squares of dark chocolate with some dried figs after dinner.
Do you see what I see? I used to have to eat X calories at X time. Not anymore. I still count what I need to eat in a day, but it has progressed to a different, more healthy level. Slowly but surely, flexibility is coming through. I know we often rush ourselves and want to be happy, healthy and normal overnight. But it just doesn't happy that way. Its hard to have the patience to see this all through. Believe me, I've lost my patience with myself many times. But for some reason, I just never give up. I'll talk the talk and say I hate my life and that I'm giving up. But the next day, I wake up and do it all again. Because its the right thing to do, because the real me is becoming more and more present and in power over the ED. And I do not want that to change. I want my life back. No matter how long it takes for this to pass on in entirety - I will be my own free person again some day. I know I'm already so close (actually just ate a fun-sized Milky Way bar after lunch. Heyy!) No amount of negativity or misperception of myself in my mind is going to take this away.

We may be born into circumstance, but we are always free to take control of what we are given and to change it. We do not have to play like passive victims. Its an unfortunate illness, one that is insufferable and cruel. But it can be overcome. It takes time and determination. But all you need is just to face that one first REAL challenge (I don't mean eating a TBS of peanut butter instead of a teaspoon. I mean eating a real frickin' candy bar or having pizza) and allow yourself to feel good about it and to enjoy what you've just accomplished. That's all you need and suddenly - the whole world becomes possible. And you start to realize that nothing is ever as scary as the ED makes you believe. And all the eating disordered rules start to come crumbling down as you see more and more truth and reality in the world. And as the rules bend and break - you find yourself settling into normalcy. Its frightening at first, yes. But it too will become familiar. Each stage of this recovery process will take time, but it always becomes the new familiar place - the new comfort zone. And as that "zone" gets bigger - your life begins to get better.

My newest comfort zone: being able to eat at whatever time I feel hungry and not caring if its 2 hours after breakfast or two hours before bed.
Next place I hope to get to: Being able to eat without wondering about portions/calorie content. And just eating for satiety.

Edit: A random guy followed me up the stairs at school to tell me I had a pretty face. LOL. I love community college.

Hey!

Long time, no write lovelies! Sorry for my absence. Things have been SO crazy lately. Mostly in a good way, of course. but yes, very hectic. I've been building a rather gigantic sculpture out of recyclables and paper mache (woo!) and its coming along OK, but it does require a lot of prep and care. Plus, I'm trying to maintain my now barely-passing grade in algebra. Its hard but I believe I am a C- right now and I really don't want that to slip back down again. Most importantly though - I am surviving. Ups, downs, and in between.

I spent almost the whole day with the boy yesterday. We went out for dinner, and went to a show at Toad's Place in New Haven. We saw The Get-Up Kids (<3) and a few other bands. I had my first legal alcohol! I'm so proud of myself too - I had liquid calories! And I didn't even order a diet cola mixer. I had rum and regular Coke. I may or may not have had some of the boy's Long Island Iced Tea. Not a big fan of those I learned. A bit too sweet for my liking. Anyways! it was a really good time. I'm also proud of me for another reason. I usually go to the gum Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, I came home around 1AM. I'm working 10 to 6 (which means leaving home at 9:30 and getting home at 6:30). I have decided NOT to go to the gym today, but perhaps Saturday instead. I know it sound ridic, but I have been faithfully going to the gym those three days every week for months. With the exception of when I got a horrible cold - I've been pretty routine about it. But today, I'm doing what's best for ME and not rushing around like a nut when I'm tired. I can say that it feels a bit weird and I feel like I'm missing something. But, I also know I would be entirely miserable all day if I went this morning. So I'm not going. Learning flexibility! Woo.

I will be honest - I am getting slightly paranoid about eating. I'm so frustrated with myself because I've started to maintain my weight on what I've been eating. And now I find myself over-estimating the calories on things quite frequently. Not by a lot, but maybe by 5-10 calories. I never thought much of it until it hit me that 5 to 10 calories overestimated at several meals on multiple things can add up really quickly. I'm making myself nuts over it! I've decided that the best way to fix it is to just stop doing it. Between today and tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out where and what I've been chronically over-estimating and just not do it anymore. Its one thing to say to myself "If the serving of cereal is 1 cup/205 calories, and I'm having 1/2 cup in my yogurt - Its 103 calories, I'll add it in as 105." Its just and easier number to keep track of in my mind. But its entirely different for me to consistently be rounding numbers up to the nearest 10,50, or 100. And I just need to force myself to stop doing that. Because if there is one thing I've learned, its that even as a mostly recovered anorexic - my portions do not err on the side of generous. I can admit that if I have a TBS of peanut butter, its not a heaped scoop. Or if I have a handful of raisins, it is not a packed handful. Yes, these may be things I need to work on. But for the time being, my biggest thing is to learn that I can trust myself to eat enough, without going overboard. I know with my history, that sounds ridiculous to be afraid of. But it is something I have always feared. I KNOW I can trust me, now I just need to put that into practice. And so today - I make a change. No more being nervous that I put too much peanut butter on my bread, no more fearing that the strawberry short cake a friend's mom made has a bit more calories than I intended to eat for a snack (cause you know, its never as much or as big a piece as we think!)

Today, I declare myself free from worry. I Today, I have decided that I will trust myself that much more, and that I will not be afraid of eating more one day than another. Because it all balances out eventually.

Thank you Tuesday.

<3 Huge thanks and love to all of you who wished me a happy birthday. I truly did have a great one, every one of your comments brought a huge smile to my face. You all make me feel so special - its amazing and I'm so glad to have this community to be part of. Hugs all around! I think I wrote back to everyone, but if I inadvertently missed you, I'm really sorry and please know it was an accident.


So, I've been given this award by several lovely ladies here in blogland, and I figured it was about time I posted it up.
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
2. Your hair? Messy
3. Your mother? Working.
4. Your father? Building.
5. Your favorite food? Oatmeal.
6. Your dream last night? Unrecalled.
7. Your favorite drink? Latte
8. Your dream/goal? Artist
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Creating.
11. Your fear? Heartache.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Thriving
13. Where were you last night? Boy's.
14. Something you aren’t? Purple.
15. Muffins? Bran.
16. Wish list item? Long-sleeve-tees.
17. Where did you grow up? So.CT.
18. Last thing you did? Text.
19. What are you wearing? Uniform.
20. Your TV? Living room.
21. Your pets? Crusher
22. Your friends? Few.
23. Your life? Chaotic.
24. Your mood? Content.
25. Missing someone? Nah.
26. Vehicle? Corolla.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes.
28. Your favorite store? Art-o-rama
29. Your favorite color? Turquoise
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday (long story short: Angry customer tried to get me fired for no reason)
33. Your best friend? Katie.
34. One place that I go over and over? Seawall.
35.One person who emails me regularly? Katie
36. Favorite place to eat? RolyPoly (don't judge! They are the Panera Bread of wraps)