Explosion.

Some of you may know this, most of you probably don't. But my father is a construction worker. He's been working at a power plant in Middletown here in CT.
Yesterday morning, there was a gas explosion at his construction site that left 5 people dead and dozens wounded.
I was at work all day yesterday. When I walked in the door, my mother informed me of the accident. My father was safe, fortunately. But he is now going to be unemployed for an undetermined amount of time - he may not be going back to work. At all.

This is not the first time there has been a grave accident on the job. My father is thinking about retiring early. I'm not sure what this means for me in terms of work and school. I may have to pick up a second job this summer. I can do a full two years at the community college, but I'll still need to pay for another 2 years at a university. I'm realizing now that I need to pick up the pieces faster, get myself together sooner. I need to be prepared to take care of myself in all ways - financially, emotionally, physically - within the next few months. This amount of responsibility is a bit frightening. I knew that this day was going to come. I just didn't expect it to come under these kind of circumstances, and without much warning.

I can do this. And so, I will.

Free Friday!

Ahhh! I am SO happy right now. No school. No work. Awesome!
We had an insane snow storm yesterday. I was legit sitting on my sofa in my fleecies drinking cocoa and thinking to myself "Damnnnnn it better stop before I have to leave for work."
I had to be into work at 2PM. The snow stopped (for about 3-4 hours) at exactly 1:30. I felt powerful haha.
Then we got hit with more snow while I was on my lunch hour. Before I left work last night, my buddy leaving next week for Afghanistan apparently went out and scraped off my car for me. Awww. He appeared at my register and was like "Hey....I scraped off your car for you. I didn't want you to be standing out there in the cold doing it." Isn't he sweet? I think so. Sigh. I'm really going to miss him. We usually get our breaks and stuff at about the same times and such, and it was really nice having someone to talk to.

In other news - I have not gone for a run ALL WEEK. I pulled a muscle in my side and I was a bit nervous that running might have caused further damage. On top of that, my mom had me weigh in yesterday. Now, I figured not running + eating more would = weight gain. But apparently my body isn't cooperating quite that well. I think its going to be a real battle between my metabolism and current activity level in order for me to gain even half a pound a week. But I'm a trooper and it will get done. I've set my mind to this and I will not be deterred. I'll be honest - I'm surprised at how much I still need in order to gain. Like, really, really surprised. But I suppose I shouldn't complain. I do truly believe that forcing myself to eat so much on a daily basis is what freed me of my ED fears, and consequentially, is bringing me closer and closer to freedom from anorexia as a whole. I do question myself sometimes because I do get nervous every now and again when I'm eating so much, but I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing what I need to do for me and MY body - no one else's. And I know that while it was difficult to make the choice - challenging mysel to gain faster all those months ago is what healed me (and apparently my metabolism too). So I need to step it up again? No biggie. And now, on the bright side, I'm really not afraid of anything anymore. I had a dinner of mac n' cheese with broccoli and a York Peppermint Pattie at work last night. I decided to buy dinner just 'cuz its so much easier some days. I did pack and consume snacks for both of my 15 minute breaks. I swear - I actually had one of the guys tell me I ate too much. I told him to suck it and stop hating just cause he was jealous of my ability to eat and not become round. Look on his face? Priceless. It probably wasn't the nicest thing of me to say - but really? I kinda think it was deserved.
And now! Awesome breakfast for the week:

Creamy Banana Bread Oats
Multigrain cereal cooked with cinnamon, 1/2 c. vanilla soy milk, 1/4 cup Hazelnut coffee creamer, sliced banana, and PBCO Cinnamon Raisin PB. I loved this breakfast. The oats were thick and creamy, almost cake-like. And the hazelnut creamer gave a nice nutty sweetness. And of course where can you go wrong with banana and PB? All in all, good breakfast. Nice treat for my awesome entire-day off.

Now I'm off to do Sociology homework (btw I am the only Art major in that class. Everyone else is doing criminal justice, general studies or finance. Awesome!) and do an art project or two.

School.

Today is my first day back to school. This whole week is going to be freakin' crazy. I had to switch days at work with one of the ladies because my manager is RIDIC. I changed my Monday/Wednesday hours for 8AM to 12:30PM. Guess what he did? He wrote me in for being able to work til 12:30 IN THE MORNING!!! So guess who was scheduled to work right in the middle of their Monday and Wednesday night classes? Yours truly. I fixed it for today. But Wednesday...I'm not sure what to do. I'm scheduled 5:30 to 11. But, I have class 5 to 6:20. Sigh. I may just call out of work that day to save myself the possible trouble of missing class on the second day.

In other news, I do get to take Color Theory and Drawing this semester. So woo-hoo for that, right? Right.
And just for kicks, here's last night's dinner dessert:

Green and Black's Maya Gold. Dark chocolate with a hint of orange and spices, thank you Maya and Eliza! I can now freely admit, I really do love dark chocolate. I went 7 years without eating chocolate actually (first time I had chocolate again was just this past April!) so now whenever I do have it, I always want to make sure its something I enjoy. And this truly good stuff - it was slightly bittersweet and was a really nice way to indulge and treat myself at work. Seriously, with the day I had there the other night, chocolate was definitely warranted.

And now! I'm off to therapy. I haven't seen my therapist in at least 2-3 months? So I'm kind of looking forward to seeing him again.
Happy Monday!

1/19

Hey hey.
So its Tuesday morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've had to come to terms with many things over the past few days, and it has been a bit of a struggle.
First and foremost, I am still not at a healthy weight for my height. Its frustrating to have to accept this, especially when I know plenty of people only an inch or two shorter than me who are probably about the same weight. But I had to realize that you know what, this is MY body. I am recovering from an ED. I cannot just "let it go" because truly, I do not feel free. I still do feel afraid of weighing any more than what I do right now and I KNOW that means I am NOT at the best place I can be. Maybe this is the right weight for me, maybe its not. But I will never know until I get past this current weight and can afford to eat when I am hungry and stop when I'm full. Right now, I have to force myself to eat whether I am hungry or not because I have no wiggle room - and because the ED mindset is still slightly intact - I am still rather fearful of eating "too much". So I've made a choice - to gain a few more pounds, get to a proper BMI and by then, I figure that all the rest of this will fall away. I've done my research and I know that if I feed myself properly, my body will settle into whatever weight its meant to be at. But if I keep up with the way I am now, I may never find out what "healthy" truly is for me and my body. And I'd rather find that place and learn to live happily there than risk having to deal with possible relapses and side affects from never fully recovering from AN for the rest of my life.

This is really hard for me to say. Everyone says I look great just the way I am right now. But I have to let go of that, let go of my fears and see where I land. It may be that this is the right weight for me, it may be that I need to weigh five or ten pounds more. I don't know. I've had AN for so many years, its impossible for anyone to know what BMI trend I was following. I will find out though. I will trust my body and I will trust myself. It will be okay. Even as I type these words, my mind is reeling. But this is the truth. I feel like I've been lying all this time. But I haven't. I've gotten progressively healthier over the past however many months it is now - I think 18. its taken me a great deal longer that most to follow through in recovery, I freely admit that. Most people would laugh at me. It took me 16 months to gain 35 pounds. A part of me wishes I had pushed myself harder in the beginning and was done with all of this already. But I also know that making the choices myself, doing it for me finally, is what has helped me keep it together this time around. So even if it takes me a while longer, as long as I know I'll get there, that's all that matters. And to be honest, I don't care what anyone has to say about how long its taken me, or all the things I did wrong (and oh! Did I ever make mistakes!) It was a learning experience and its taught me the greatest lessons of my life.

After a few conversations with friends last night, I feel much more secure in my decision to be able to finally let go of anorexia for good. A few more pounds will take me out of the anorexic BMI category. And while those few pounds will hardly be noticeable, I think its really important to remove myself from "that" place, if you know what I mean?
I told one of my friends the other night that it was "about time for me to shut anorexia down for good and bury that $%#%# like old bones." Response - "This is why I like you. And btw, I'm holding you to that. No turning back - just do it."
Don't we love my friends?

Now, for a midmorning snack to cheer this post up!

Plain Greek yogurt with honey, sliced green apple for dipping and what! A Cashew-Pecan Nut Butter Ball from Maya and Eliza!
This was totally delish. I was expecting the nut-butter ball to taste like a Cashew Cookie larabar - totally wrong! It had a hint of sweetness, and was creamy and crunchy all at the same time. I really enjoyed it - it was almost like cookie dough. The yogurt and honey were a perfect icing to this cookie-like little treat. I'm looking forward to trying the almond butter version.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

NYC!

Hello lovelies! I had the best day yesterday.
I started off my morning with an awesome breakfast, my way of anticipating good things is always to start the morning off with something that I love.



Polished off the box of Kashi Go Lean with some cinnamon, soy milk, banana slices, coconut flakes and PB. Alongside there is my usual cuppa' with Hazelnut creamer.

After breakfast, I did some housework and started getting ready to head off to the train with boy. Of course, girl was not about to leave the house on an empty stomach. I had a green apple and a PB sandwich on whole grain bread. No pic of that, its pretty self explanatory.
Boy picked me up on time (woo! good job!) and we went off to the train. Its about an hour and half ride to NYC. Then, to my surprise, boy's friends also got on the train at the stops in their respective towns. We had a little party going on in the back of the N car. It definitely made the ride go by much faster.
As we got off the train, I wondered how I would ever find who I was going to meet up with in the crowd of people. And then, I walked out the gate only to see two beautiful faces standing not 100 feet away.

Maya and Eliza!

OMG! They are so cute! We ran and hugged each other and it was awesome. we stood around chatting for so long that the boys went off to the bathroom and I kinda forgot to go along with them. Hah. We all know what takes priority! And chatting with friends you've never actual met before definitely outweighs following the boys around. I think the three of us spent like 5 hours literally just walking around chit-chatting. I had so much fun, Maya and Eliza are so sweet! I feel really lucky to have gotten the chance to go in to the city and hang out with them. We did lose the boy and his friends for awhile (which caused boy to go into panic because he then lost his friends as well...oops!) When we finally all reconvened at Rockefeller Center, we headed up to MoMA for Target Free Friday Night and spent awhile just walking around there. It was a really great day and it was a rather sad goodbye. On the bright side - we really don't live that far away from each other so I think more meeting up will be in the future.
Before the girls left, they gave me a present! Aww - I told you they were sweethearts! I was really surprised since meeting up with them was awesome enough for me.

ZOMG. I've been spoiled. Adorable little bag filled with all sorts of things I cannot find here in CT (ProBar, expresso chocolate brownie, mini-dark chocolate G&B,Cashew and Almonds Nut Butter balls {wha!!! I've never even heard of these before! But sounds awesome}, plus PBJ and German Chocolate lara's AND two squeeze packs of flavored PB. can you say whoa!) Plus two beautiful cards that are now taking up residence in my bedroom mirror (I keep all the good stuff tucked into my mirror for some reason, I guess so I can see it all the time)
I honestly had the best time yesterday - it was really great to spend an entire day with friends - especially two bloggie friends that I'm incredibly proud of and happy for.

Well. I've got to work today. I can guarantee at least one of those goodies will be tried out today :) Today may feel slightly mediocre after 3 days off and having a grand time in NYC yesterday, but hey! What can ya do. I'm off to go finish gettin' ready for another day at the 'mart. Fun times, for sure.

Sicky.

Oh man. I'm so sorry for the lack of posting!
I've had a miserable cold for the past week or so. Weak, coughing and my appetite has gone down the tubes. Its reaaallly frustrating. I've been surviving off of bulked-up soups, bowls of cereal and toast with peanut butter. I'm only just beginning to tolerate "real" food again.
So much to share with y'all though!
I went to the casino on Saturday night with the boy and three of his friends. The five of us crammed into a jeep and drove 2 hours north to go gamble and eat. At Bobby Flay's Burger Palace. I was the only girl in a group of guys.
I ate a turkey burger. And had sweet potato fries that were obviously not baked in an oven and I have no idea how many of them I ate, and I really don't care. They were just freakin' tasty. And I drank about a quarter of boy's Pineapple Coconut Rum milkshake. It was nine dollars! For a milkshake with liquor! But it was soo amazing. Thick, creamy, sweet and full of coconut flavor - honestly I would have gotten my own but $9??? Psh. I'd rather recreate it on my own dime.
The funny apart about that? I ate that AFTER having a small-ish dinner at home and figured on having just a little snack. To be truthful, my ED had been flaring up and trying to use my not feeling well as an excuse to undereat. But after sitting there with the boys, it hit me that I don't need my ED. I can trust myself, and my body just as they do theirs. And after my own estimations - I actually ended up hitting my usual calorie target by eating what I WANTED.
It is that night that I realized I needed to listen to my body more and my head less.
I decided to forego running this week as well. Because I'm still kind of sick, and to be honest - outside of a few fleeting moments of hunger - I still don't have much of an appetite. I've already lost a bit of weight from being sick, and I know I don't have it in me to fuel both running AND gaining back a few pounds. Logical solution: take a few days off from running and save myself the strain of having to eat back those calories plus the extra 400 I already needed to add in.

I'm really rather proud of myself for both of those things. Not too long ago, my ED would have balked at all of this. But in this moment, I know I've done what's best for me.

And now...New Year's Resolutions. To be honest, I haven't really made any yet. I know I want to make this year better. I want to continue along this vein of listening more and more to my body, and letting go of my safety net. I'm going to talk to my therapist to get his opinion on my ideas. I haven't talked to him in AGES. So I'm looking forward to the next visit. Well, as much as one looks forward to those sorts of things anyways.

Andddd school starts on January 25th. Vacation is going by way too fast. Sigh. I'm happy to go back honestly - it gives me something productive to do with my time. But I also hate the added pressures I put on myself. But I will survive it and move on to bigger and better things.

Happy Monday!

NYE Update.

Sorry that I deleted my last mini-post. But I was currently at 123 posts and the little kid in me isn't quite ready to give that up yet. Thank you all so much for the good wishes. I love you girls (and Clay) to bits.

Unfortunately, my NYE was not that great. I drove to West Haven to pick up a coworker in the snow. That's three towns north of where I live, with my place of work right in the middle (So I drove 4 exits PAST where I work to get to her home).
I was turning left off the exit when the car coming down the road from the opposite direction failed to stop at the stop light. He crashed into my car.
Front end, driver's side. My car spun. Life flashed before my eyes.
I don't know how, but there is no visible damage to me or the car. I know someone up there must be looking out for me.I finished the drive to get my coworker and bring us to work (only 10 minutes late too!) But I admit, I was too scared to drive home later that night in the snow. A friend from work drove me home that night and picked me up to bring me there the next morning. He's a sweet heart, huh? Actually, he called me minutes after the accident happened because he knew I was driving to work and had a feeling something bad happened. I'm going to miss him a lot. He's in the Army and has just been called back for his 3rd tour in Iraq. Sad faces. He hasn't even left yet and I'm already worried. I pick the best people to befriend, don't I?

That part isn't what's really getting to me though.

I spent the majority of NYE with D. We couldn't stop fighting. I'm sorry for bringing my issues to the blog, but it is making me crazy. I don't know why he keeps acting this way, especially when he is so insistent that he doesn't want to break up. Its been putting a damper on my mood though. And I really wish I knew how to fix it and make him feel less insecure. But I can't fix it for him, and I am totally aware of that. Which is rather hard for me to accept. Sigh. I'm not sure I have it in me to carry both his baggage and mine. I can't take constant accusations and I don't understand people who need constant attention and affection because, well, I've never really experienced that and I think I've done quite fine without it. I feel guilty because he makes me feel like I don't love him enough, or the right way. But I was raised in a family where the word love was not so much spoken, but showed. So I don't say those words very much, and I don't actually know how to be in a real relationship anymore (5 years of no real strings may be why I am so against dependency) and I've told him this. I don't know. I just hate feeling like I'm constantly doing something wrong, or at the very least - not doing something right. All these different things coming from all directions is definitely overwhelming for me at the moment.

At least there is room for wonderful cheer-me-up breakfasts:


The world seems so much better after I've had my cup of coffee.