Monday, March 30, 2009

Bounding forth. March 30th.

So today was a big day for me. You see, I hate to admit this, but my mother has taken to "supervising" all of my meals (save the one snack in the AM had with my neighboor.) But today, today was new. I am no longer required to have my aforementioned and aggravating neighboor present with me to witness the consumption of my morning snack. And today, I even was able to eat lunch all on my own. You have no idea how liberating this was after nine months.
I went to the sea wall. It was incredibly windy, but quite pretty.

I love Long Beach. I used to go roller skating at the rink down the block when I was younger.

On with today...

Another mighty breakfast bowl.

In the mix: Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli, BearNaked granola and trail mix, almonds, lemon vanilla cashew nectar bar, cinnamon, Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and sliced banana. Also slightly pictured is a glass of plum juice and the plate that held my toast with jam. I had something really similar to this last week, I know. But I really liked it! I warm the shake up in the mircowave for 30-40 seconds before pouring it on top everything. ^.^

Snack: Fage 2%, chopped green apple, Kashi Autumn Wheat, honey. OMG! I have never had Fage with chopped apple before today. Sooo good! Why did this never occur to me? I mean, really. Duh. Plus the shredded wheats, and it was great.

My first alone meal. I've eaten snacks on my own before, but never a full meal. And this one was rather different, I must say. Sandwich: Avocado-grated carrot-cucumber. Cottage cheese parfait consisting of: green peas, cottage cheese, and sliced tomato (with a little left over cucumber). I know that sounds totally out there, but it was really neat and I would definitly have it again. I also had an apple juice box.
And lunch dessert, on my own, without being told I had to eat it...

The end all be all. And just as divine as it was the first time.

Afternoon Snack: Cottage cheese, Fruit&Nut granola, chopped figs
After my snack, I actually hung out with a friend for awhile. Sometimes, its weird who stays with you after everything. I've known this kid for five or six years, and I never would have thought he'd be someone I was still talking to. Meanwhile, the friends I thought I'd have forever, I hardly speak to anymore. Weird, yes?

Dinner: Grilled salmon, whole wheat penne with olive oil, greens and sprinkling of seeds. Also mixed in peas, broccoli, and string beans. I really like this dinner - its so easy. I'm not terribly fond of eating the fish, but I'll do it for now. At least I am proving to myself that my choice to be vegetarian was not ED-related.

Dessert with dinner was: vanilla Chobani (need to buy my Oikos tomorrow!) with ground flax, crunchy peanut butter and orange marmalade. love this combination.

Nighttime snack was my new favorite...

In ze bowl:Oats with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, fresh and carmelized strawberries (cooked some of them in with a bit of the brown sugar on top) strawberry preserves, and nutella. Really. I highly reccomend this combination.

Today has been a really good day. My mom LOVED her birthday present. I woke myself up at five in the morning and sprawled into the kitchen to give it to her first thing. She was quite surprised. And she wore the necklace to work today and brought the card in to "show everyone how talented her daugher was". That made me feel really good - I was so happy she liked it. I was terrfied it wasn't good enough. On top of that, I met all of my challenges quite successfully. Yay. ED was not so happy about that, but tough noogies.
I am really, really hot again. :sigh: Terrified of what that means as its been happening quite frequently. Discussion of increasing to 4,000+ has been held. Depending on how things go, I may be adding a milkshake into my day somewhere. My mom asked me today what flavor ice cream I wanted. I told her I really didn't think I could pick it out with ED's influence. So she had me make a list consisting of ED-comfortable flavors and we made one together from what we could recall me liking as a child. She is going to look them over and purchase one without my prescence. I am really glad she understood and was willing to do it that way for me. That way, its out of ED's hands entirely and mine as well. Sometimes, choice is still a bit overwhelming to me, so I do occasionally need a bit of outside input. I think thats okay for now though, since I am still kinda struggling at times to determine what I WANT as opposed to what I think I can have. There is a big difference, yknow? But I'll get there.

Hope everyone's week is going off to a good start!

Sunday, March 29, 2009


So today has been pretty good, all things considered. My eating disorder was highly annoyed with how much indoors-time I had today. But yknow what? I ate everything I was supposed to eat anyways. I also made birthday presents for my mom, since her birthday is tomorrow.

Home-made necklace and card. For real, everyone who knows me gets one on their birthday. I've been making TONS of necklaces lately. I do beading and hemp mostly. I should start raffling them off, no?

My breakfast this morning was massive. Not full-wise, but with how many calories I was able to pack into it. 1,010 including my glass of juice. Since I woke up late, this was a huge help. Carnation Instant Breakfast packets and my beloved Soy Vanilla Chai seriously saved the day.

In the mix: Oatbran cooked with cinnamon, CIB, Vanilla Chai shake and half a banana. Topped with BearNaked granola, almonds, dried figs and the rest of the banana. Also cottage cheese with marmalade and a glass of plum juice. This was really good - the bowl wasn't enormous and getting that many calories in first thing made the rest of my day much easier.

I bet you're all wondering about the Starbucks title of this post. Well here it is:

Starbucks Peachy Raspberry Parfait with Granola. I also brought a snack-baggie filled with trail mix, as I knew this wasn't really enough calories...but since we went first thing in the morning I really didn't think I could stomach one of their fancy drinks. I have a hard time with really rich foods, especially first thing in the morning, I always end up with a stomach ache. This was a huge challenge for me, as I have always really struggled with the eating out in public thing. But this went really, really well. I wasn't nervous at all, which was amazing to me. I felt comfortable! It was surprising, but definitly surprising in a good way. I think next time, I'll try for an afternoon snack and get one of those things that I can't pronounce and have never come near before.

Lunch was crunchy peanut butter (PB&Co to be specific) with orange marmalade. On the side there is green beans, tomato, cucumber and cottage cheese. I also had a cherry-pomegranate clif nectar bar. I'm going to miss those - I still can't believe they are being discontinued.

Afternoon Snack: vanilla Chobani with ground flax, dried cherries and a heaping spoonful of Dark Chocolate Dreams. This was another "did I really just eat that?" moment today. It felt so lush, even though I knew it was healthy. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. Definitly something to try again.

Dinner wasn't terrible photogenic. It was a mish-mash of leftovers. Bulgur-hummus-roasted red peppers and spinach salad with olive oil and ground seeds, tuna salad (mixed with peas) and assorted veggies.
I also had a glass of chocolate soy milk and a rice cake with cinnamon raisin PB. It was a whole rice cake, but I cut it in half so I could dunk some in my soymilk ^.^

For nighttime snack - I tried another new one - apple pie oats. Oats with cinnamon bun coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar and a chopped apple. Topped with cinnamon raisin PB and jam. It sounds weird, I know, but it was actually really good.

I'm really excited about tomorrow. I always get super-giddy about giving people gifts, especially ones that I've made. I don't know why, it just makes me feel really good. I'm thinking I might stop in at my mom's work and surprise her with it. Or I might give it to her first thing in the morning. I'm trying to figure out what the best surprise would be. Hmm. It will come to me, I know it. I just really hope that she likes it. I'm a bit nervous that she won't. But at least I know she will like the card, for sure.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend. You all are so wonderful to me - you have no idea how much I appreciate every word of every comment. I know you all say I am inspiring and what not, but you all have motivated me so much in the past without even realizing it. So, I just wanted to say thank you.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Friday (March 27th 2009)

Friday was wonderful. I feel really proud of myself - I changed my eats up almost entirely. It worked out really well too! I had a date last night. And due to the way I had changed things up, I didn't feel nearly as full as I usually do at the end of the day. I mean, it was challenging. But in a good way.
Yesterday morning was also my weigh-in. I was so absolutely convinced I was going to have finally made my two-pound-per-week goal, after jumping up almost 500 calories to 3600. I didn't though. ED was shocked, as was I. My mom and I agreed that we would give it another week before I have to increase to 4,000 calories a day though. We decided that if I don't gain at least one pound, that I would have to up it again. :sigh: I'm kinda hoping it doesn't come to that.


Breakfast: Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli, Bear Naked trail mix, Bear Naked triple berry granola, golden raisins, almonds, and a crumbled Lemon Vanilla Cashew nectar bar. All drowned with warmed Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Also a glass of plum juice and a slice of toast. Great breakfast. Not too filling at all, and it totalled up to 970 calories ^.^

Snack: Fage 2%, sliced banana, more triple-berry granola, ground flax, and honey.

Lunch: Avocado and grated carrot sammich. Sliced fuji apple. I actually ended up taking all my veggies (broccoli,cuke,tomato) and the sliced hard boiled egg and putting them into a salad bowl after the photo. I realized if I put everything into one dish it'd be less to look at. Also had an apple juice box.

Lunch dessert was the Dark Chocolate Mocha nectar bar, warmed in the microwave. Sooo good.

After lunch, I got a little surprise in the mail from...

Oikos! They sent me some great coupons,and a few free goodies. Thank you Oikos! I am so looking forward to trying their Greek yogurt. I've never really had anything organic before, so it'll be interesting to see if there really is a difference. Definitely going to the grocery store today with those coupons. Look for my review of Oikos soon!

Afternoon snack: Cottage cheese with fruit and nut granola, chopped dried figs. Loved this snack. It was light but good.

Dinner: grilled salmon (!!), pasta with olive oil, ground flax and greens. mixed veggies and peas. I also had a vanilla yogurt with crunchy peanut butter and orange marmalade for my "dessert".
I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I was actually a vegan/vegetarian before starting recovery. The only reasons why I have given it up are because I wanted to prove to my family (and perhaps myself?) that my vegan choice was not and eating-disorder driven one, and also because with the amount of food I need to eat, it does get very expensive. And vegan/veggie options are more often than not a bit on the pricey side. Do I intend on going back to vegetarian? Whole-heartedly. I much prefer vegetarian foods. I don't really even like fish, but I agreed to being pescatarian for the duration of my refeeding/weight gain process.

Nighttime snack: Oats with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon brown sugar. Topped with sliced strawberries, strawberry preserves and nutella. First time trying this combination. So. awesome. This was possibly the best "dessert oatmeal" ever.
One more time, up close and personal? I think so.

I am definitly having this again tonight. It was really that good.

I hope you all are having a fabulous weekend. Mine has gotten off to a fairly good start. Hopefully it'll stay that way. I'm feeling pretty good with everything at the moment (ok, its 5:40AM - what could possibly be happening right now anyways?) but I think its a sign for good things to come.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Defining Moments (Wednesday 3/25/09)

Wednesday was an emotionally mixed-bag kind of day. A little draining but mostly good. I hate when ED starts making me obsess over stupid things like how many nuts were in my scoop of trail mix or granola. I just kept saying to myself "A serving of trail mix is a serving of trail mix. Unless its nothing but the dried fruit - it really doesn't matter, the mixture is all going to be approximately the same." Eventually, I got anorexia to shut up and let me eat my breakfast in peace.

In the mix: Dorset Berries n Cherries, BearNaked trail mix, almonds, banana, dried figs and Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai protein shake. On the side: Plum juice, and cottage cheese with strawberry-cherry preserves.

Once I got the negative-obsessive-compulsive voice out of my head, breakfast was quite good. Definitly something I would make again (especially since its Carnation-free. While I don't mind that stuff, it can be a little bit too sweet and it makes me very thirsty). I think I'll just keep the CIB for weekend breakfasts, when I wake up later and my meals end up closer together.

In the bowl: Fage 2%, raisins, orange marmalade. There was also granola bar pieces... but I didn't remember to take a picture till half way through...
Snack. Oh snack. Gail came over again. :sigh: She really does mean well, but she is A. a hypochondriac, and B. a catastrophist. She compares my eating disordered struggles to her losing her job. She was fired for being rude and unaccpeting of her insurance customers. I was denied treatment by any program, hospital or facility on the east coast, because I was deemed too far gone and unable to be helped. HOW IS THIS THE SAME? I mean really, when she says "Kiddo, I know exactly what you're going through. I know its not an eating disorder, but its pretty much the same thing. The hurt I feel, and the anxiety I have about finding a new job. Its pretty tough for me, yknow? You seem to be dealing with your situation a lot better than I am. I guess its just easier for you." And yes, she seriously said that to me. I didn't even have a response.I just sat there, silent and continued eating. There really weren't any words to be said I suppose. There was one absolutely wonderful thing that occured this morning.

I started doodling while I was on the phone with one of my friends!!! I don't know if I can express how happy this made me when I realized what I was doing. But my cell was charging, so I was stuck just standing the kitchen, phone to ear. And I just picked up the pencil and started drawing. I haven't felt like drawing in months. For me, this moment was amazing. When I realized I was drawing again, I squealed with glee - really I did. This is a sign that I getting myself back. I am becoming ME again, without even thinking twice. (and yes - I do print out menus for myself, so I don't forget what I need to eat. Because 3600 is a lot of food and I don't want to mess up.)

Lunch: Mashed avocado and sliced green apple on sprouted grain bread. Cottage cheese with tomato, red pepper, and cucumber. Rest of the apple.

Lunch Dessert. Oh God. It was incredible.

This was my first candy/chocolate bar in SIX YEARS!!! Can you believe that? But oh, it was good. It was funny - I was afraid I was going to miss having my larabar with lunch. I must say - the Dove dark chocolate bar was more than an adequate substitution. My mom tried to take a picture of my face when I took my first bite. She didn't quite get it to work, but that's okay. The moment was priceless. We jsut sat there, at the table, laughing and giggling as I ate my first candybar. Then I proceeded to bounce around the house at lightspeed, called my brother and my therapist, leaving them voicemail messages that were probably hard to understand "OhmigoshIjustatemyfirstcandybarinsixyearscanyoubeleivethatIcanhardlybelieveIdiditbutIdid!!" type of thing. I was very proud of myself, and I think this may just become a weekly treat to myself. Taking that first bite though, it was freedom.

Afternoon snack: Vanilla Chobani with BearNaked granola, preserves, and dried cherries.

Dinner: Whole wheat pasta with seeds, olive oil, and greens. eventually mixed with faux tuna salad and sweet peas. Green beans, broccoli and Silk Vanilla soymilk along side.
Dinner Dessert: Rice cake with Nutella and blackberry jam.

Dinner was a struggle. I'll be honest - I cried after I finished eating. I don't know why. I think perhaps my ED just got annoyed with me for feeling so good earlier in the day. It just had to rear its ugly head to make sure that I wasn't letting go completely. Damnit. One day, I will be free of this.

Late night snack was comfort oats. Canned pumpkin, cinnamon, brown sugar, cinnamon bun coffee creamer, golden raisins (we ran out of cranberries!) and a spoonful of cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter. After talking to some friends after dinner, I felt a lot better, so this one went much more smoothly than dinner did. No tears, no guilt. At least I got a nice finish to the day, right?

Oh! I had other good stuff to tell too. A therapist from one of my former treatment programs (Renfrew in CT) sent me an email. She wants to publish some of my poetry in a book she is writing, and she also wants me to write a small biographical piece to go along with it. Isn't that awesome? I'm really excited, I love writing. So this gives me something to feel good about and look forward to.

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Therapuetic Tuesdays.

So, Tuesday was an interesting day. Had therapy, which is always fun. More about that later. Breakfast was an awesome new creation of mine - Apple Pie Oat bran.
In the mix: 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/3 Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and 1/3 water, one envelope of Vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast, one teaspoon cinnamon, and half a green apple chopped and cooked in. After, I stirred in 1/4 cup raisins, and a handful of almonds. Topped it with 1/4 cup trail mix and the rest of my chopped apple. Seriously, this was surprisingly good. Who new instant breakfast could be so tolerable?

I got to eat my morning snack on my own yesterday! I was so excited. It was much, much easier to eat without that charming neighbor of mine there. I felt really good about it. It really made me feel a lot better about myself, not having to be incessantly supervised because no one trusts me.

Fage 2%, large sliced banana, honey, chopped granola bar and some almonds that were camera-shy.

Lunch was the old stand-by.

Peanut butter and raspberry jam on Ezekial bread, cottage cheese with cucumber, tomatoes and I believe there was some bell pepper hiding in there too. And strawberries. Lunch dessert was another one of those lovely Nectar bars that Clif sent me! I still have 5 or 6 of those left ^.^ I'm trying to save them.
Its weird - but I try to make sure I have a peanut butter sandwich every 2-3 days so I don't become afraid of having it again. Even though I do inevitably have peanut butter at least once a day - I am slightly nervous that if I do too long without making a PBJ - I will start to feel like I'm not allowed to have it anymore. *shrugs* At least making sure I do that prevents me from eating the same exact lunch everyday. Albeit, the last time I posted I had PB too. Hrmm. Will have to update with my next new lunch - because I really do get more creative than PBJ, I promise ^.^

At therapy: Vanilla Chobani with orange marmalade,dark chocolate chips, and golden raisins
This was the first time I had ever tried that combination. And I'll be honest - it was REALLY good. Like having a big bowl of orange liquer, only healthier. Therapy was wonderful yesterday. My therapist is exceedingly proud of me. And I am truly thankful. He could have stopped seeing me eight months ago when I was at my lowest weight, or any time thereafter really, because keeping me as his patient was a legal liability. If I had died, he could have been sued for malpractice - not only by my parents but by our insurance company or his employers. Because I was under XX pounds - technically speaking he was supposed to start refusing to see me and have me commited to an inpatient facility whethere I wanted to go or not. But he had faith in me, and he didn't go that route. I am grateful for that. It took me a while to reall get my act together. But now that I have, ain't nothin stoppin me. I'm really one of those people - everything with me is full-force.

I finally have pictures of my ENTIRE dinner!

Bulgur wheat with hummus, ground flax, olive oil and a bit of spinach. On the side there is faux-tuna salad, as well as green beans, broccoli and sweet peas (mixed the peas with my faux-tuna afterwards) Also had a glass of Chocolate Silk.

And dessert! Rice cake with nutella. I ate a whole rice cake, I just like cutting them in half and spreading the Nutella onto each side. :shrugs: I find it easier to eat that way.

Oats with canned pumpkin, dried cranberries, cinnamon, brown sugar, cinnamon bun coffee creamer, and a spoonful of cinnamon swirl PB. First time having this bowl, and it was quite comforting. I had a bit of a stomach ache after therapy, so it did make it hard to eat. Foruntately, so far today I am feeling better.

Yesterday was weird. Just, there is so much going on around me and at times I feel really overwhelmed by how much people want of me. Two of my friends want me to come out and visit them when I reach my target weight. One lives three days south of me, the other three days west. I want to go. But I am afraid that my parents will think I am just running away from maintaining my recovery. And thats not true. I'd really like to be able to "stretch my wings" a little bit. Its been so long since I have felt free, like myself again. I am finally getting that feeling back. I don't want to lose it due to being trapped under my parent's roof for another two years while I wait for them to feel secure. I can't wait for them. I need to just trust in myself first. I suppose maybe my biggest hesitation is really within myself. And its jsut really confusing when you have eight different guys all wanting to take you here and there and have you be their girlfriend. And then I'm just like "Wha?" I am so oblivious to things at times. I didn't realize this until they all started telling me explicitly that they liked me and wanted to date me. I feel a bit silly now, and also like I don't really know what to do with myself. This is one of those situations where anorexia creeps up on me and says "Wouldn't it be easier if you ciuld just hide? if you let me back in, I can help you." Blargh. WILL NOT WORK. I know this. I know it doesn't help. And thus far, I've been managing the boys okay. :sigh: As long as no one else enters the picture, I'll be able to keep track. Otherwise, I will have to resort to a small reclusive cabin northern New Hampshire where no one can find me.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Up And Again.

Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner. This weekend was crazy busy. I went on a few dates, with a few different guys. Fun times. Also, I got a few calls from friends I haven't seen or really talked to in about two years. Its hard not to think the thought "Gee, NOW that I'm not struggling so so much anymore, you want to be my friend? Where were you when I was on my deathbed?" But I know for someone in their twenties, the thought of a close friend dying can be a bit overwhelming. Especially if that person literally looks like death. So I'm trying to not be bitter about the abandonment I felt and just accept that they couldn't deal with it then, but maybe not tehy are more willing to stick around and be good friends again. I'll be a bit cautious, but it is nice to think that I may have some female-friends again. at the moment, nearly every friend I have is a guy. And I love them, really I do, but sometimes they just don't get it.
I also had the added shock of needing to up my calories again. :sigh: 3600 now. It's getting very difficult to figure out how to get everything in. I've been putting Carnation Instant Breakfast packets into my cereal to help get the calories in. But I don't really like the synthetic nutrition deal, after having to be on nothing but supplement shakes for over a month. Granted, the instant breakfast mixed with cereal is no where near as bad as Ensure Plus straight out of the can, not even shaken. Still. Its a bit intimidating, but I am going to try to plan a few days each week where I don't need that stuff.

Here's yesterday's incredible 3600 calorie eats.

Breakfast: Dorset Berries n Cherries with Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake, Carnation Instant Breakfast, almonds,cinnamon and a cherry pomegranate clif bar - crumbled in. Cottage cheese and strawberries. Glass of plum juice. This was a good breakfast - it wasn't overly filling for all the calories it had. I heated up the shake/CIB combo together in a glass before pouring it over my cereal. ^.^

Snack: Fage 2% with chopped figs, almonds, honey. Unpictured chewy trail mix bar that I dipped into the yogurt.

Lunch: White Chocolate PB with blackberry preserves on sprouted grain bread. Cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato and green beans. Also an unpictured apple juice box.
I had a favorite for my lunch dessert:

Warmed in the microwave, and its just like a brownie! love.

Did I mention I went grocery shopping yesterday? Well, I did. And I bought some new things. Bear naked Fruit and Nut granola to be exact, with dried cherries, ground flax, fruit preserves, and vanilla yogurt. Yum. It was a nice change from my usual chocolate chip-almond-raisin mix.

Dinner: veggie burger topped with 4% ricotta cheese (I mixed foods! ok, not a lot. But baby steps) whole wheat penne with olive oil, spinach, and seeds. Side of broccoli and peas, and a glass of vanilla soy milk. I keep forgetting to take pictures of my dessert with dinner. But it was a cinnamon rice cake with Nutella and orange marmalade. Little known fact: We currently have 5 jars of nut-butters and four jars of jam in my fridge/pantry. Yep.

Nightly snack: 5-grain hot cereal with a banana (half cooked in, half sliced on top) with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon and brown sugar. Topped with a big spoonful of Cinnamon Raisin Swirl PB.

OK. This day went exceedingly well, especially considering the increase of calories included a few fears for me. ED has a huge rule about eating peanut butter or nuts before bed. But I needed to add the calories, so I did. And if I may say this - Cinnamon-Raisin PB and Banana oats were truly quite good. I was a bit afraid when i sat down to eat. But I did it. I was also a bit afraid of dinner, with the whole "not skim dairy" deal. But I did that too. And I even drank a juice box. Holy crap. ED hates it when I have several liquid or otherwise undectable sources of calories in the same day. I think ED is very masochistic (or is it sadistic? After all, I'm hurting me...but ED makes me do it...hmm) anyways. My ED's philosophy seems to be "If you're going to eat that many calories, you damn well better feel it fool!" But I need to make it easier on myself with this many calories, that much I know. Plus, if I can eat less volume-wise but still get my calories in, I won't feel as stuffed. So ED won't ahve any reason to be in my head.
I feel slightly guilty at the moment. As I know exactly why yesterday went so well. I went out with a friend around eleven in the morning, and we got pretty well toasted. So the rest of the day, I was in a state of "Eh whatever, I'm happy." Like even when I found myself starting to feel nervous or thinking to much - my mind would revert to "Does this really even matter? You have to do this today, tomorrow, the next day. And if you do it now, think of how much more fun you'll be able to have later. You won't have to constantly leave because oh no you forgot to bring a snack, or you aren't allowed to eat out for dinner. You can go to the damn diner with B and have french toast for lunch. You won't have to say no because your mom wants you home for lunch to make sure you eat enough. See. It'll be good one day."
I'm revolutionary when I'm stoned. Really. Not that I condone it as a habit to get into. I've been there before too - where I was smoking six times a day or more for months on end. And that was no good. I still remember the morning I woke up and realized I was becoming a burn-out. I stopped smoking right then, cold turkey. Now its only an occasional thing (weekly/monthly at most). It frustrates me to think that I could do that so, so easily without a second thought, without any trouble. But then anorexia has been such a vice. :sigh: I suppose it doesn't matter about the past, because I am fixing it now.

Hope everyone had as lovely and interesting a weekend as I did! I will try to update again later.