Monday, March 30, 2009

Bounding forth. March 30th.

So today was a big day for me. You see, I hate to admit this, but my mother has taken to "supervising" all of my meals (save the one snack in the AM had with my neighboor.) But today, today was new. I am no longer required to have my aforementioned and aggravating neighboor present with me to witness the consumption of my morning snack. And today, I even was able to eat lunch all on my own. You have no idea how liberating this was after nine months.
I went to the sea wall. It was incredibly windy, but quite pretty.

I love Long Beach. I used to go roller skating at the rink down the block when I was younger.

On with today...

Another mighty breakfast bowl.

In the mix: Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli, BearNaked granola and trail mix, almonds, lemon vanilla cashew nectar bar, cinnamon, Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and sliced banana. Also slightly pictured is a glass of plum juice and the plate that held my toast with jam. I had something really similar to this last week, I know. But I really liked it! I warm the shake up in the mircowave for 30-40 seconds before pouring it on top everything. ^.^

Snack: Fage 2%, chopped green apple, Kashi Autumn Wheat, honey. OMG! I have never had Fage with chopped apple before today. Sooo good! Why did this never occur to me? I mean, really. Duh. Plus the shredded wheats, and it was great.

My first alone meal. I've eaten snacks on my own before, but never a full meal. And this one was rather different, I must say. Sandwich: Avocado-grated carrot-cucumber. Cottage cheese parfait consisting of: green peas, cottage cheese, and sliced tomato (with a little left over cucumber). I know that sounds totally out there, but it was really neat and I would definitly have it again. I also had an apple juice box.
And lunch dessert, on my own, without being told I had to eat it...

The end all be all. And just as divine as it was the first time.

Afternoon Snack: Cottage cheese, Fruit&Nut granola, chopped figs
After my snack, I actually hung out with a friend for awhile. Sometimes, its weird who stays with you after everything. I've known this kid for five or six years, and I never would have thought he'd be someone I was still talking to. Meanwhile, the friends I thought I'd have forever, I hardly speak to anymore. Weird, yes?

Dinner: Grilled salmon, whole wheat penne with olive oil, greens and sprinkling of seeds. Also mixed in peas, broccoli, and string beans. I really like this dinner - its so easy. I'm not terribly fond of eating the fish, but I'll do it for now. At least I am proving to myself that my choice to be vegetarian was not ED-related.

Dessert with dinner was: vanilla Chobani (need to buy my Oikos tomorrow!) with ground flax, crunchy peanut butter and orange marmalade. love this combination.

Nighttime snack was my new favorite...

In ze bowl:Oats with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, fresh and carmelized strawberries (cooked some of them in with a bit of the brown sugar on top) strawberry preserves, and nutella. Really. I highly reccomend this combination.

Today has been a really good day. My mom LOVED her birthday present. I woke myself up at five in the morning and sprawled into the kitchen to give it to her first thing. She was quite surprised. And she wore the necklace to work today and brought the card in to "show everyone how talented her daugher was". That made me feel really good - I was so happy she liked it. I was terrfied it wasn't good enough. On top of that, I met all of my challenges quite successfully. Yay. ED was not so happy about that, but tough noogies.
I am really, really hot again. :sigh: Terrified of what that means as its been happening quite frequently. Discussion of increasing to 4,000+ has been held. Depending on how things go, I may be adding a milkshake into my day somewhere. My mom asked me today what flavor ice cream I wanted. I told her I really didn't think I could pick it out with ED's influence. So she had me make a list consisting of ED-comfortable flavors and we made one together from what we could recall me liking as a child. She is going to look them over and purchase one without my prescence. I am really glad she understood and was willing to do it that way for me. That way, its out of ED's hands entirely and mine as well. Sometimes, choice is still a bit overwhelming to me, so I do occasionally need a bit of outside input. I think thats okay for now though, since I am still kinda struggling at times to determine what I WANT as opposed to what I think I can have. There is a big difference, yknow? But I'll get there.

Hope everyone's week is going off to a good start!


  1. I'm sooo gald that you're mom liked what you have given her. After all, it's all Handcrafted--by her daighter. I also love giving my mom cards. actually, since I was little, I never gave her store bought cards. I always MAKE her opne. and she loves it ;)

    I am also happy that your mom is very undrstanding and supportive in what you are going through right now. She doesn't push you to be ED-free all at once. She understands taht breaking free from ED is taking baby steps. And in the end, it is all worth it! You are soo lucky girl....

    XOXO, aubrey ;)

  2. Wait...what's that?
    Could it possibly be the SMELL OF FREEDOM!!!
    Maybe just a hint, but usually that first little sniff turns out to be an intense AROMATIC smell!!


  3. Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I recently stumbled upon your blog and I LOVE reading what you have to say. You are making some really incredible progress and are definitely making me think a lot about myself and my own journey. Thanks for being so honest here!

  4. thankyou so much for your thoughtful comment. i read it before school and i left feeling inspired! you're so sweet, and thanks for taking the time to write that. it really helped :)
    i knew your mom would love the gifts!!! i bet it was so much more than 'good enough' for her, even though you may have been worried. i'm glad you had a good day, though.
    i relate to having trouble choosing things; it's great your mom is being so supportive with the ice-cream.
    take care x

  5. I'm so happy your mom loved the presents! It was sweet of you to get up early to surprise her. Congrats on getting a bit of freedom after 9 months of completely supervised eating! I agree about the friends thing, weird, but I'll take whatever I can get! Haha hope you had a great night

  6. Congrats on doing your meal on your own! It's a huge leap not just to do it, but the mindset that goes with it: you're doing what you need to do because it's your life and you reap the consequences-er-rewards!

    I think it's really cool that your mom i working with you until ED is totally drowned out. I wish I had someone like's so confusing because I'm not in "I want to starve" mode where i need to get in eating fights, like you I WANT to get the weight on and get this thing finished...but at the same time there are things that totally support that which I totally want [like choices to be made in the supermarket] that ED tends to thwart!

    Your steady progress also inspires me. Mine has been so much more steep ups and plummets...overall I'm moving forward, but my mission this spring is to take it slow and steady with my intake and insert more goals with my habits and how I eat! I think this will serve me better in the end...and you are a huge inspiration for that! Keep it up :)

  7. Damn for living so far away!! UConn has SUCH an amazing Dairy Bar that the two of us could have gone to. =[


  8. Glad you had such a good day! I knew your mom would love her gifts. And congrats on not having to be supervised anymore, that's a huge step and just shows how far you've come!

    It's really great that your mom understands your recovery so much. I've never really openly discussed my issues with my mom, but after seeing how much it helps you, maybe I should start.

    Enjoy your tuesday! Much love

  9. Your comment--even the fact to have a "friend" like you take the time to stop by my blog--just put a smile on my face and brightened a evening quickly becoming "blah" for me! :)

    In response: I really don't know right now.
    The one thing i DO know is that I have spent a LOT of time making my plans--whether they are calorie plans and steps, exchange plans, or EVEN how I'm just going to "be free and go against ED every choice."
    Whatever I end up doing, counting or not, I am determined to break the grip of the plan. I am realizing that I need some sort of guide, just like athletes have training plans and school has lesson plans--but it has to be for me, and it comes down to how I use it.
    I don't know why I make it so complicated--what I really aim to do is live my life and STICK TO my plan to back it up. Not overanalyze/write out all my perfect little goals and whatnot. Just do it--for the results that come from the action.

    And stick to it....not always changing the minute I "mess it up."
    The solution isn't the "perfect plan" it's about what I do...and when I mess up, I can learn from that and keep on--and THAT will bring more progress than ever, really, not more hours wasted re-perfecting how I'm going to do my next count/meal plan.

  10. hey tori thanks so much for the support lately, i'm so glad your mom liked her present too (there is no reason she shouldnt, its quiteeeee lovely)

    you keep doing your thing girl as usualxx
    youre amazing love