Thursday, March 26, 2009

Defining Moments (Wednesday 3/25/09)

Wednesday was an emotionally mixed-bag kind of day. A little draining but mostly good. I hate when ED starts making me obsess over stupid things like how many nuts were in my scoop of trail mix or granola. I just kept saying to myself "A serving of trail mix is a serving of trail mix. Unless its nothing but the dried fruit - it really doesn't matter, the mixture is all going to be approximately the same." Eventually, I got anorexia to shut up and let me eat my breakfast in peace.

In the mix: Dorset Berries n Cherries, BearNaked trail mix, almonds, banana, dried figs and Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai protein shake. On the side: Plum juice, and cottage cheese with strawberry-cherry preserves.

Once I got the negative-obsessive-compulsive voice out of my head, breakfast was quite good. Definitly something I would make again (especially since its Carnation-free. While I don't mind that stuff, it can be a little bit too sweet and it makes me very thirsty). I think I'll just keep the CIB for weekend breakfasts, when I wake up later and my meals end up closer together.

In the bowl: Fage 2%, raisins, orange marmalade. There was also granola bar pieces... but I didn't remember to take a picture till half way through...
Snack. Oh snack. Gail came over again. :sigh: She really does mean well, but she is A. a hypochondriac, and B. a catastrophist. She compares my eating disordered struggles to her losing her job. She was fired for being rude and unaccpeting of her insurance customers. I was denied treatment by any program, hospital or facility on the east coast, because I was deemed too far gone and unable to be helped. HOW IS THIS THE SAME? I mean really, when she says "Kiddo, I know exactly what you're going through. I know its not an eating disorder, but its pretty much the same thing. The hurt I feel, and the anxiety I have about finding a new job. Its pretty tough for me, yknow? You seem to be dealing with your situation a lot better than I am. I guess its just easier for you." And yes, she seriously said that to me. I didn't even have a response.I just sat there, silent and continued eating. There really weren't any words to be said I suppose. There was one absolutely wonderful thing that occured this morning.

I started doodling while I was on the phone with one of my friends!!! I don't know if I can express how happy this made me when I realized what I was doing. But my cell was charging, so I was stuck just standing the kitchen, phone to ear. And I just picked up the pencil and started drawing. I haven't felt like drawing in months. For me, this moment was amazing. When I realized I was drawing again, I squealed with glee - really I did. This is a sign that I getting myself back. I am becoming ME again, without even thinking twice. (and yes - I do print out menus for myself, so I don't forget what I need to eat. Because 3600 is a lot of food and I don't want to mess up.)

Lunch: Mashed avocado and sliced green apple on sprouted grain bread. Cottage cheese with tomato, red pepper, and cucumber. Rest of the apple.

Lunch Dessert. Oh God. It was incredible.

This was my first candy/chocolate bar in SIX YEARS!!! Can you believe that? But oh, it was good. It was funny - I was afraid I was going to miss having my larabar with lunch. I must say - the Dove dark chocolate bar was more than an adequate substitution. My mom tried to take a picture of my face when I took my first bite. She didn't quite get it to work, but that's okay. The moment was priceless. We jsut sat there, at the table, laughing and giggling as I ate my first candybar. Then I proceeded to bounce around the house at lightspeed, called my brother and my therapist, leaving them voicemail messages that were probably hard to understand "OhmigoshIjustatemyfirstcandybarinsixyearscanyoubeleivethatIcanhardlybelieveIdiditbutIdid!!" type of thing. I was very proud of myself, and I think this may just become a weekly treat to myself. Taking that first bite though, it was freedom.

Afternoon snack: Vanilla Chobani with BearNaked granola, preserves, and dried cherries.

Dinner: Whole wheat pasta with seeds, olive oil, and greens. eventually mixed with faux tuna salad and sweet peas. Green beans, broccoli and Silk Vanilla soymilk along side.
Dinner Dessert: Rice cake with Nutella and blackberry jam.

Dinner was a struggle. I'll be honest - I cried after I finished eating. I don't know why. I think perhaps my ED just got annoyed with me for feeling so good earlier in the day. It just had to rear its ugly head to make sure that I wasn't letting go completely. Damnit. One day, I will be free of this.

Late night snack was comfort oats. Canned pumpkin, cinnamon, brown sugar, cinnamon bun coffee creamer, golden raisins (we ran out of cranberries!) and a spoonful of cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter. After talking to some friends after dinner, I felt a lot better, so this one went much more smoothly than dinner did. No tears, no guilt. At least I got a nice finish to the day, right?

Oh! I had other good stuff to tell too. A therapist from one of my former treatment programs (Renfrew in CT) sent me an email. She wants to publish some of my poetry in a book she is writing, and she also wants me to write a small biographical piece to go along with it. Isn't that awesome? I'm really excited, I love writing. So this gives me something to feel good about and look forward to.

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday.


  1. so proud of you facing your challenges xxxx

  2. awesome job tori, you're seriously kicking ass and i'm sure growing more healthy and glowing everyday. love the sketch too, i know that i have trouble drawing sometimes as well and i've often wondered why that is. i think that when your mind is so preoccupied and stressed it blocks our creativity but its definitely an incentive to just get better so you can indentify yourself as an artist, healthy, with a promising future.

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  4. tori!


    congratulations on the chocolate bar :D wow that is so great. i love those special moments when you try a fear food - my parents and i act the same way. but its something that you cant force. they just happen. and when they do it feels magical. and bravo on the drawing! i can also relate to this because so much of what i enjoyed or was a part of me - escaped because of my ed. its so wonderful when you (or others) notice and acknowledge progress. so run with this rediscovered talent and tell ed to go to hell :)

    and do not feel bad for crying after dinner - ive done the same and i know others would agree. this actually happened to me one night last week. i felt so powerful and resilient to ed that morning/afternoon for a number of different things but later on in the evening it all caught up with me and i broke down. it could have been anger? frustration? guilt? mood swing? i really dont know. but what is important is that you had that success! and each one will get easier and easier.

    keep going strong girl! and congratulation on the poetry writing! please keep up updated :)

    <3 brooke

    p.s im really sorry that you have to deal with this neighbor of yours! she sounds ridiculous. do you have an ipod? you could listen to music instead of her idiotic commentary.

  5. great job with the chocolate! that is amazing that you had your first candy bar in years you deserve it! i love your evening oats pumpkin and cinn raisin pb yum! and avacado and apple i need to try this! keep going you are amazing and doing so well!
    lots of love

  6. great job with the chocolate!you should be so proud. you go girl, keep fighting ED! you are an inspiration:)

  7. I am so proud of you for that candy bar!!!!
    Also, you are extremely lucky to have a mother as supportive and understanding as you do =]


  8. Congratulations on your success!

    I'm Rachel - from CC and working on a new blog. Your food looks absolutely delicious, and it's so refreshing to see positivity in one's recovery. Take care!

  9. hello tori,
    its so great to see you are doing steps in the right direction and well done for having that choclate.
    the ed voice has been nagging me all day long today but what's most important is that we dont listen and even better if we do the opposite of what it tells us to do
    stay strong my lady