Okay. So this is my first post...
My story is a long one. In short, I became anorexic when I was fourteen. I have been in and out of hospitals since I was 16, spending the majority of the last five years literally on my deathbed. Every time I was hospitalized, I came home only to promptly lose the weight I had fought so hard to gain. Between February and April of 2008, I was hospitalized for the last time. My insurance benefits had run out. I came home, and within six to eight weeks, I had lost all the weight I had gained, plus an additional 7 pounds. I was told there was no helping me, and all I could do was wait to die, or try to save myself on my own.
I chose to save myself.
It has been, and will continue to be, a long road. I'm on my way and nothing is stopping me. If I can come so close to death, and manage to bring myself up from there, I can do anything. If I can will myself to eat my 3,000 calories everyday, even when my eating disorder is screaming at me, I know I can succeed at anything else I may put my mind to.
I haven't any pictures at the moment, but I wish I did! My breakfast this morning was pretty awesome. Pumpkin-pie Kashi shredded wheat! I took half a cup canned pumpkin, mixed it with a tablespoon of honey, a teaspoon of cinnamon and some cottage cheese. Then after I heated it up, I stirred in a handful of almonds, dried cranberries and a cup of Kashi Autumn wheat cereal. To finish it off, I topped it with a good sprinkle of flaked coconut. Sooo good. Chewy, crunchy, and warm all the same time. I think the best thing about doing recovery on my own for the first time, is that I am finally learning to allow myself to enjoy what I'm eating. In inpatient, food was always my enemy - it was something forced on me that I never really had much choice over. Now though, I am able to learn what I like and don't like, and am even starting to figure out what it is that I want. Not just with food, but with my life in general. While the feeling of want still frightens me, on many levels, its nice to feel a sense of direction within myself.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago