Thursday, March 19, 2009

Gray Skies and Blue Bowls.

It was raining this morning, but at least my breakfast bowl looked cheerful. In the mix there is 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/2 cup canned pumpkin, a teaspoon of cinnamon, 1/2 cup Bolthouse Farms Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and some water. I topped it with almonds, golden raisins and a tablespoon of PB&Co Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. I also had cottage cheese with two tablespoons of granola and a spoonful of strawberry preserves, and a glass of plum juice. This breakfast was really good, but it was super-filling. I didn't realize how filling the oatbran/pumpkin combo was going to be. I think that cooking it in the soyshake made the oatbran thicker to boot. It was hard for me to finish it, but I knew I had to or else ED will be bitching tomorrow that I ate less the day before. I do not think I will be mixing oatbran and pumpkin together anytime soon. I took a short walk down to the deli to buy a pack of cigarettes (shame on me, I know) but it did help ease some of the full feeling and I felt a lot better.
Morning snack was had with my ever-so-lovely neighboor. She's rather nosy and comes to "check in" on my every other day just about. :sigh: She is about the same age as my mom, and has no children of her own, and lost her job a few months ago. When I was still very bad off (on my death bed) my mom had asked her to look in on me, make sure I was still alive and that I did in fact eat my snack. Even though I really, really can't stand the woman (she is nosy, prejudiced, racist and entirely unaware of how judgemental and off-putting she can be. The other day she started talking to me about liposuction!) I don't quite have the heart to tell her I really don't need supervision anymore. I know coming over to check on me gives her a sense of doing something good, and she needs that right now - she is very work-oriented and is lost without her job. And if letting her think she is helping me eat what I need to makes her feel better about her current situation, I am willing to endure it.
Lunch was better. I didn't feel quite as stuffed afterwards, so that was a godsend. I had a crunchy peanut butter and honey sandwich:
I also had tomato, carrots and bell pepper strips with cottage cheese. And a Clif Nectar bar. I tried the Cherry Pomegranate. It was really dense, chewy, and tart - it reminded me somewhat of the Cherry Pie Larabar. Only this was much softer and the pieces of cherry were much more present. Actually, I got a pit in one of them o.0 I thought I lost a tooth!

Afternoon snack was kind of the same as yesterday's, but I took a picture because I was able to make it pretty this time. Today's mix was vanilla Chobani, ground flax, dark chocolate chips, and a box of craisins.
Dinner was leftovers - nothing terribly exciting. Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus, olive oil and ground flax with tuna-ricotta-sweet pea salad and sides consisiting of one cup mixed veggies and a glass of Chocolate Silk. For dessert with dinner, I had a cinnamon rice cake with Nutella and jelly. I think I'm going to make banana-cream oats for my snack later tonight.

A good part of today was wrought with struggle. Especially as I tried to plan meals for the upcoming days. I'm trying to change things up more often, but it gets hard when I'm trying to make 3200 calories, and have it be not too terribly overwhelming. :sigh: I really want to push myself to try more new things, but I get afraid of "How will I get it to all add up at the end of the day?" It's not that I don't know how to get it there, I'm jsut afraid that things I might want to try will be more voluminous and filling, or that I'll need to add more in other places if I have X instead of Y. It's a bit frustrating, because I know sticking to "safe" foods doesn't really help my recovery mentally. I suppose I shall continue trying to experiment and if it means I need to suck it up and feel a bit fuller than usual, so be it.


  1. Ha your neighbour sounds like a barrel of laughs... or not. But still, I guess she er.. means well?

    You've done amazingly well - I remember when you first started posting on CC and now look how far you've come! I am so proud of you, I know you will conquer this for real.

    Ohhh totally relate to the cigarettes. I really want to quit but smoking er.. helps me digest? Maybe not, but it relieves the stress a little.. I need to cut down though, I smoke way too much.

    Keep plodding on - and I love the pics :-)

  2. tori! first off, i love your posted pictures! it is so great to see your fantastic breakfast combinations photographed :) oat bran is filling on itself so i can only imagine the uncomfortable feeling. but im glad the rest of your day went well.

    another coincidence! hummus and buglur is my #1 favorite dinner! try adding sundried tomatoes, canned chickpeas and steamed broccoli - it is my magical go-to dinner.

    even though you may not be comfortable with stepping out of the food box for meals and snacks everyday, you are making above and beyond progress! you are truly inspirational. i know 3200 is very intimidating (extremely!) but maybe you could sit down with your parents or a nutritionist and work out meals together? it is very stressful on our own so do not fall short of asking for help! or i could help too :)

    just know that you have lots of support and cheer! have a super night and enjoy your yummy banana oats! <3 ya

  3. p.s nutella + jam + cinnamon rice cake? wow sounds delicious! :D

  4. hey chica, sounds like you're keeping strong and hanging on in there. your breakfast sounded really good and i think you have come up with the most amount of oat bran oatmeal creations unaccounted for...(really lol) which is awesome. that woman sounds like she means well but is ultimately a pain in the ass, eh? i guess we just have to appreciate the people who care about us in the long run no matter their situations;)
    i know raisins it to 3200 is a bitch (excuse my language) but you can do it and i promise you can do it without your stomach exploding. i know you've been to treatment but i have really good condensed meal plans which are similar to the things you eat if you ever need some meal suggestions. i'm pretty ready to up mine again another few hundred calories but i' mstill scared about gaining too fast which is ridiculous since i'm so close this time.
    i love youthough! and let me know how today goes, and i want to see some of your artwork soon! i bet its amazingg

  5. Your breakfast looks phenomenal! But I understand why you'd be so full afterward. Glad it didn't affect your day.

    Eek your neighbor sounds rather obnoxious! Maybe since your mom was the one who told her to check up on you, your mom could also tell her that you're doing well now and don't need supervision?

    Sorry you're still struggling with adding variety blah blah. Could you try adding a fear food or something to one meal a day so you don't get too overwhelmed? I know it's really intimidating now but once you stop worrying and just EAT a huge weight gets lifted off your shoulders. Happy Friday! Much love