It was raining this morning, but at least my breakfast bowl looked cheerful. In the mix there is 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/2 cup canned pumpkin, a teaspoon of cinnamon, 1/2 cup Bolthouse Farms Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and some water. I topped it with almonds, golden raisins and a tablespoon of PB&Co Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. I also had cottage cheese with two tablespoons of granola and a spoonful of strawberry preserves, and a glass of plum juice. This breakfast was really good, but it was super-filling. I didn't realize how filling the oatbran/pumpkin combo was going to be. I think that cooking it in the soyshake made the oatbran thicker to boot. It was hard for me to finish it, but I knew I had to or else ED will be bitching tomorrow that I ate less the day before. I do not think I will be mixing oatbran and pumpkin together anytime soon. I took a short walk down to the deli to buy a pack of cigarettes (shame on me, I know) but it did help ease some of the full feeling and I felt a lot better.
Morning snack was had with my ever-so-lovely neighboor. She's rather nosy and comes to "check in" on my every other day just about. :sigh: She is about the same age as my mom, and has no children of her own, and lost her job a few months ago. When I was still very bad off (on my death bed) my mom had asked her to look in on me, make sure I was still alive and that I did in fact eat my snack. Even though I really, really can't stand the woman (she is nosy, prejudiced, racist and entirely unaware of how judgemental and off-putting she can be. The other day she started talking to me about liposuction!) I don't quite have the heart to tell her I really don't need supervision anymore. I know coming over to check on me gives her a sense of doing something good, and she needs that right now - she is very work-oriented and is lost without her job. And if letting her think she is helping me eat what I need to makes her feel better about her current situation, I am willing to endure it.
Lunch was better. I didn't feel quite as stuffed afterwards, so that was a godsend. I had a crunchy peanut butter and honey sandwich:
I also had tomato, carrots and bell pepper strips with cottage cheese. And a Clif Nectar bar. I tried the Cherry Pomegranate. It was really dense, chewy, and tart - it reminded me somewhat of the Cherry Pie Larabar. Only this was much softer and the pieces of cherry were much more present. Actually, I got a pit in one of them o.0 I thought I lost a tooth!
Afternoon snack was kind of the same as yesterday's, but I took a picture because I was able to make it pretty this time. Today's mix was vanilla Chobani, ground flax, dark chocolate chips, and a box of craisins.
Dinner was leftovers - nothing terribly exciting. Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus, olive oil and ground flax with tuna-ricotta-sweet pea salad and sides consisiting of one cup mixed veggies and a glass of Chocolate Silk. For dessert with dinner, I had a cinnamon rice cake with Nutella and jelly. I think I'm going to make banana-cream oats for my snack later tonight.
A good part of today was wrought with struggle. Especially as I tried to plan meals for the upcoming days. I'm trying to change things up more often, but it gets hard when I'm trying to make 3200 calories, and have it be not too terribly overwhelming. :sigh: I really want to push myself to try more new things, but I get afraid of "How will I get it to all add up at the end of the day?" It's not that I don't know how to get it there, I'm jsut afraid that things I might want to try will be more voluminous and filling, or that I'll need to add more in other places if I have X instead of Y. It's a bit frustrating, because I know sticking to "safe" foods doesn't really help my recovery mentally. I suppose I shall continue trying to experiment and if it means I need to suck it up and feel a bit fuller than usual, so be it.
Why Can I Only Love the Broken?
2 months ago