Sunday, March 15, 2009

It's getting hot in hurrr...

That's right. I am unspeakably warm at the moment. I have been all day. ED tends to like me to be all covered up, so its a bit frustrating. "Tori, you can't wear shorts and a t-shirt! You have to wear your baggy sweat pants and sweatshirt! You can't let anyone see you!" But I am on fire. Literally, my veins are popping out *sorry for the gross visual*. Its forty degrees outside. I haven't felt like this since I was in inpatient. And that was when I went into hypermetabolism. ::squee:: I am now becoming anxious about the concept that I may very well have to up my calories again this week. Part of me likes the idea of gaining on a crazy amount of calories, but after three thousand it really does become slightly intimidating.

I came up with the most awesome bowl of oatbran this morning for breakfast. I so wish my camera was working so I could have taken a picture for you all. It was that good. Its definitly something I will be making again soon, so by then I will hopefully have gotten up my nerve to purchase myself a new camera.
On to my breakfast! I cooked 1/4 cup oatbran in water with 1 tablespoon each of cinnamon roll coffee creamer and honey, along with a teaspoon of cinnamon. Then I stirred in 1/4 cup of raisins and cottage cheese. Followed by a topping of 1/4 cup triple-berry granola and one and a half tablespoons of cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter.
Thinking about it now - I'm almost in shock I ate such a thing. It was sooo good though. I broke two of ED's rules today actually. First and foremost - I have had more than a single two-tablespoon serving of peanut butter today. ED insists I can only have one serving of peanut butter a day, at most. Today though, I not only had in breakfast, I had a full-on peanut butter sandwich for lunch. And I enjoyed it. Also, ED always tells me I can't mix my starches. I did that today too, by mixing oatbran and granola (also quite yummy!) So, I feel pretty good about that for the most part.

It's been a weird day. There's just so much going on, but at the same time it feels like nothing is happening. I am constantly bombarded by boys and i feel like I don't know what to do with them. Some of them I like, some of them not so much. I like the attention, and I feel guilty for that. It also tends to fuel ED (See, you're fine - you don't need to gain a single pound) or it makes me self-conscious because a lot of guys have said to me "You have such a beautiful face, and you are such a beautiful person - you just need to gain X pounds and you'd be a knock out." Which then makes me feel awkward because I don't see what they see. And I admit, there was one boy who I had sort-of-kind-of started dating but wasn't in a commited relationship with...and he completely complicated the situation by trying to define us in his mind and now I really have no idea what we are, if anything at all. I'm usually rather clueless in this area. I never know that guys are interested in me unless they specifically state it to me. And then when they do, I feel overwhelmed. I don't express my feelings very well in spoken word - it'd be so much easier if everyone just wrote letters. Then I could communicate without glitch or error.
So! That's my little bit of drama. Hip-hip hooray.

I think I am going to go find my shorts now.

5 comments:

  1. Aaah sorry to hear about the boy trouble ;-) Still, at least it provides a sort of mental diversion away from ED for a while

    Congratulations on challenging those fears and conquering ED's rules :-) Keep going! xxx Jemima

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  2. tori!
    it was 40 degrees today too (and my veins pop out the same way!) so i can relate. it was a weird day for me - i felt anxious and confused (im just glad it is over with) but i wish you the best of luck this week with the increase! i know you can do it girly :)

    your bowl of oat bran sounds so delicious! i love the flavors. my favorite berry granola is dorset berries - have you tried it? but that reminds me that i need to replenish my jar of cinnamon raisin pb!

    i have the same pb rules - thats so funny. but you are such a great inspiration. im going to make this my goal this week! but the best part about conquering an ed rule is knowing that you can do it and nothing bad happened! it can only benefit us in the long run.

    ah we have so much in common! i am in the same situation with boys right now. im so confused and feeling very blank! part of me does not even want to go near a boy (old ed issues) but in the other sense it would be kind of nice. hmm i wish i could help you out but im afraid we are both i a rut.

    have a wonderful monday and keep breaking those rules!
    xo brooke

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  3. p.s thank you for the muffin info! and your homemade apple bran muffins sound delicious :)

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  4. you do have a very beautiful face :) but i understand the self-consciousness that results from those type of comments. it's very difficult not to let others' words affect you. all we can do is keep trying.
    your breakfast sounds lovely.
    take care, and have a good rest-of-the-day.
    -erin

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  5. hi hun
    sorry to hear about the boy issues, but when your ready at least you know youve got tons of potentials interested in you :)
    that oatbran sounds great!
    keep fighting ed and challenging him, your doing fantasic :)
    xxxx

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