Wednesday, March 18, 2009


So, after my lovely breakfast of trail mix and granola with soy milk, figs, ground flax, and sliced banana, I started on working up my nerve to go buy my camera. I decided to go after I had my morning snack, since I wasn't exactly certain when the store was going to be open. I had a Fage 2% with raisins, honey, and a chocolate chip granola bar before leaving on my little journey. Buying myself something was a huge challenge. Getting the darn thing out of the box proved to be almost as difficult.
When I returned home, I found this on my doorstep:What was inside, you ask? This lovely bunch of goodies from Clif:

You bet your butts I had one of those babies with my lunch. Lemon Vanilla Cashew to be exact. It's probably my favorite flavor, though I have never tried the Cherry Pomegranate or the Apricot Almond. Hmm. Tomorrow perhaps? I think so. I was so, so surprised to find this box waiting for me. And I can't believe they sent me eight bars!! For free!! It was so generous - thank you Clif!!

Of course, I didn't just eat a Clif bar for lunch. I also had this:
That there is a Dark Chocolate Dreams PB and strawberry-cherry preserves sandwich on sprouted grain bread. Yum. If you look reeeeallly carefully, in the back you can see a smidge of the other part of my lunch. Cottage cheese with a tomato, cucumber, and bell pepper strips. Always a a favorite. I remember a few months ago, I was afraid of using two tablespoons of peanut butter. Now I'm used to it (and need it!) and the anxiety around it is pretty much gone, and I don't feel guilty after have it. After doing some housework, I had to pack up my snack and make it travel friendly.

Afternoon snack was had at my therapist's office. Joy of joys. But really, I didn't mind going today. It was a good session as I have made a ton of progress since last seeing him. He always says its "such an honor" for me to eat my snack there because he views it as a sign of me being comfortable and trusting. So we talked while I sat there eating my vanilla Chobani with chopped almonds, chocolate chips and raisins. It was nice to have an actual conversation whilst eating. Things are progressively getting better at home, but my mom still does tend to stare me down during meals. I like that my therapist doesn't do that, he doesn't make me nervous about having to eat there by asking me a million ED related questions while I'm eating or something like they used to do in IP. He doesn't just focus on my issues with food, which is nice. In inpatient, all the therapists see you as nothing more than your eating disorder, and everything you say is somehow in someway attributed to it. But this guy doesn't do that to me. So I don't mind going, because he sees me as a fully-formed human being.

I finally had a new dinner! I'm so proud of myself.

It looks a little strange - I tend to separate everything, and then mix it together as I'm eating. I think perhaps its a control issue? Probably. Since it's not a habit that prevents me from eating enough, I don't think its a big deal right now, but I am going to have to work on the whole combine-your-food-all-at-once deal. But what we have here is whole wheat penne with olive oil and seeds, fresh ricotta cheese, a veggie burger, broccoli and peas. Also, a glass of Vanilla Silk on the side. I had a cinnamon swirl rice cake with cinnamon raisin peanut butter and grape jelly for "dessert". I don't exactly know why, but grape jelly has been a fear food. I had myself convinced that I didn't like it - but to be honest I think it was ED somehow convinced me grape jelly had more sugar and calories than other kinds of fruit spread. So, I figured what the hell. I'll try it, its in the cabinet. I got a giftbox of PB&Co goodies for Christmas, so Goregeous Grape Jelly was in it, and why should I let it sit there unused? And while I think I still prefer preserves or marmalade, it was better than I was expecting it to be - not sugary at all. So I was scared for nothing. Woo. I kinda forgot to take a picture - but anyone with an eating disorder knows what a rice cake with pb&j looks like, right? Right.

I'm so loving my new camera ^.^ It works so well. And its so little! The one I had that broke was five years old. Apparently technology changes quite a bit in that span of time. I am still a little bit in awe of the fact that I bought it. But I'm glad I did.


  1. Awesome! So happy that you bought yourself the camera - you deserve it! I had a similar experience when I bought mine - I hadn't spent money on anything (other than cigarettes and weird diet foods) for ages and one day I thought 'screw it' and bought myself my cammy. It's now essential for obvious reasons! Anyway, congrats on many, many aspects of today - you're getting stronger and stronger and it's beautiful to watch :) xxxxx

  2. hey tori- congrats on those bars that's quite the surprise! and i'm glad they're good:) maybe i'll stop by wholefoods today, i need a break from my odwallas. actually all your food looks amazing today (as usual) and awesome job on trying a new dinner, i know how hard it can essentially be to break out of a rut.
    it sounds like your therapist is a good guy and just the fact that you're responsible enough to bring your snack with you during your session should be a great inspiration to everyone who thinks recovery is not a top priority ( guilty as i am myself at times). i have to change me eating schedule today to earlier times because of all my appointments today but i realize it's not the end of the world and i gotta do what i have to do. how do you manage the anxiety of eating out? my moms birthday is tonight and we're going to a high class italian restaurant (AH) and i've been stressing since i found out. i refuse to restrict until then but it's going to be quite the challenge. the place is siena in providence - let me know what you think i should do if i get a chance. none of it is safe food but i'm gearing towards something that will make me least anxious.
    and YAY FOR HAVING A CAMERA. ah such a good investment you won't regret it at all, in fact, you're absolutely right when you say you deserve something for all of this. you havent given up since you s tarted and i know how frustrating it is until you reach your goal but you can do it and just think of the ultimate reward of freedom;)
    love you, thanks for everything lately.xx

  3. So glad you bought yourself a camera! I love seeing your pictures. What a great surprise with those Clif bars! The vanilla almond cashew is one of my favorite bars ever.

    I'm glad you like your therapist! Mine sort of treats me like a walking eating disorder so I'm glad you have a nice relationship with yours.

    Thank you for your comment last night. I really don't know what to say, it was just.. eye opening to see how much your ED has affected you. I'm sorry you lost your scholarship. It made me realize that I have so much to gain from recovering, and so much to lose from relapsing. Thanks again for sharing that with me, I really don't know anything else to say.

    Have a lovely day! Much love