Thank you guys for such a warm welcome! I really wasn't expecting it! It made me smile this morning though, so thank you <3
I'm a little frustrated with myself at the moment, with my eating disordered behaviors and what not. So many things, I feel like I have no choice in because it just tells me that this is the way it has to be, because that's how it was the day before. Silly things too. For instance, I've gotten into the habit of eating the same thing for dinner every night, and have been for a long time now. I like what I have for dinner, certainly. It was always a favorite growing up (tuna casserole) and I've made it into a heart-healthier + more nutrionally dense version from the way my mom made it. I know I need to try different stuff though. Its just hard because ED tells me I can't have more of my fats or calories later in the day. My last two meals total to only about 800. Thats 2200 other calories squeezed into four meals! But its a very hard rule for me to break. Just the sheer fact that I added a dessert to dinner this week was a challenge. But I knew there really wasn't anywhere else I could add many more calories. Still, my dinner is only about 500 calories. Out of 3,000. I think part of why I tend to make most of my calories be between breakfast and lunch is that I am afraid of feeling enormously full before bed. I also get nervous that I won't have it in me to "make up" all my calories by the end of the day. So I just front load it instead. But then that leaves me feeling like I can't have more than said amount at dinner, even if I had worked it out and it all totalled up to the 3K at the end of the day. At some point this week, I am going to challenge myself and try something new for dinner. Even if its just a different kind of starch or protein. I will make at least one element of my meal different. I WILL!
Breakfast this morning was interesting. After trying muffins again, I declared that Saturday morning would be Muffin Morning - so I don't get into a rut with having only various cereals for breakfast. Anyways, I had a blueberry muffin with white chocolate peanut butter. Seriously - I was so afraid to try a muffin with peanut butter. But I am so glad I did! Very good combination, if I may so so myself. Also, I made a cottage cheese parfait. I crumbed up an apple cinamon rice cake, and topped it with cottage cheese, raisins, and orange marmalade. I know it sounds weird, but raisins and orange go really well. A few days ago, I did something similar, only with oatbran cooked in orange juice - and used raisins and almonds as mix-ins and cottage cheese with marmelade as topping.
Morning snack was Fage 2% with a big ripe banana sliced in, granola, and honey.
Lunch was a sandwich with 1/2 an avocado and grated carrot with cucumber. A green apple with cottage cheese and honey, and a cashew cookie larabar. Cashew cookie is probably my favorite flavor.
Afternoon snack was my infamous vanilla yogurt with ground flax, chocolate chips and golden raisins. I had to add honey to this too, since I had kind of mis-read my meal plan and didn't use enough marmalde at breakfast. :shrugs: Oh well. I discovered something new - honey and chocolate is pretty yum. I may have to do something like this again, only on purpose.
You may notice I tend to have A LOT of yogurt and cottage cheese (and green leafy vegetables). I'm not sure if its an ED thing or not. Its kind of caused by ED I suppose. I was diagnosed with osteopenia when I was around sixteen or seventeen. And ever since then, I have been very, very paranoid about making sure I get enough calcium every day. I really can't drink milk straight, so I replace my dairy either with soymilk or yogurt. And since yogurt tends to have more calories than soymilk - I've been going with that recently. Even though I had an MRI last year in inpatient, when my old stress fracture from running 5-6 miles a day became inflamed and angry due to refeeding syndrome, and they checked my ankle for osteopenia as well - I still don't quite trust that it's mostly reversed itself. Especially now, because aforementioned stress fracture is currently inflamed and irritated once again thanks to the drastic (but lovely!) change in weather here. I am going to just boost my calcium intake over the next week or two and hope it gets better soon.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago