Friday, March 20, 2009

So its Friday.

Friday has brought me a mix of good and not-so good. I wanted to thank you all for being so supportive and encouraging - it really lifted me up when E.D. started hammering in my head. This always happens whenever I start figuring out how I'm going to increase my calories. Especially now. ED is soo upset over the thought of me shooting up to 3300 or 3600 over the weekend. But this morning when I got up, I had this feeling of "you haven't gained, have you?". It made for a really good morning, but I think my anorexia got jealous of me feeling okay with everything, so it started acting up after I took my little walk this morning. Anorexia never wants me to feel happy.

Breakfast this morning was SO much easier than yesterday. What a blessing. Its kind of funny too, because this morning's brekkie actually had more calories.
Cottage cheese, apple cinnamon rice cake,White Chocolate PB, orange marmalade. Kashi Autumn Wheat, Bolthouse farms Vanilla Soy Protein Shake, almonds, strawberries,
golden raisins. And plum juice.

I heated the cereal/raisins/vanilla chai shake up in the microwave first, then added the almonds and berries. Soo good. And it was no where near as filling. My mom thinks its weird that I like cottage cheese with peanut butter. ::shrugs:: Oh well.

Gail came over AGAIN this morning. :sigh: She is starting to really get on my nerves. She keeps asking about my food and how much I'm eating. This morning, my snack was Fage 2% with dried figs, honey, and granola. And this woman goes on and sticks her nose in it "What are those? What is that? Oh, I've never seen that before, I'm sorry honey. Its just that I don't put stuff into my yogurt like you do..." That made me feel kind of badly about myself...for how much I need to add. And then I found myself thinking "wouldn't it be nice to just have a plain yogurt again?" Stupid E.D. Then she goes on to tell me she told her husband how many calories I needed. Apparently, the man has some weight troubles of his own, so he basically said he wished he had my problem. >.<



Cottage cheese, tomato cucumber, bell pepper.
Green apple slices.
Sprouted grain bread, mashed avocado, grated carrot.


Grated carrot and avocado is becoming a favorite of mine. Though, I do also really like avocado and green apple sandwiches. I think next time I shall do it up that way. Or perhaps avocado and cucumber. The only thing I dislike about avocado is that I have to have it two days in a row or else it starts turning funny colors.



I had this baby for my lunch dessert. Seriously one my all-time favorite flavors. Especially when warmed in the microwave!

Afternoon snack was the same as yesterday. As was dinner. I have a tendency to want to use up whatever I have made before cooking up something different. I don't want to be wasteful by forgetting something is in the fridge because I've made too many different things. Its happened in the past, where things I've made or bought go bad because I forget to eat them. And I always feel really guilty over it. Another thing to work on I suppose

Sometimes I feel like I have so many things to work on, mentally and emotionally. I just don't know if I'll ever be "normal". I can accept it if I'm not. But I do have a tendency to want to accomplish everything fully and excellently, five seconds ago. So its a bit hard when I constantly feel like I am falling short of the expectations I set out for myself. Because ED tells me I can't just try again the next day. It always is right now or never. Such black and white thinking, I know. Another thing for therapy. I know it will get better in time, even now I am much better than I was months ago. But still, it is frustrating.

Hopefully Saturday will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

9 comments:

  1. Aww I totally sympathise with feeling like you have such a way to go, depsite all the progress we have both made so far. But perhaps now we are both at a stage where to go backwards would almost be as heartbreaking as to keep pushing forewards? It's a long road and it's bound to be frustrating, but I have every faith in your strength. xxxxx

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  2. Love the food pictures you have... everything looks delicious! Keep being strong. :)

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  3. tori, i know this journey seems so long...but it will be worth the fight. i am a very black and white person when it comes to food, recovery, everything - so i can relate. but the best we can do is try to remain positive and put in the extra effort.

    your meals look so yummy! im sorry that your neighbor is making triggering comments - i think add-ins are the best. and bowls of yogurt/oats always looks more picturesque :) ive never tried pb and cc but i will have to try out!

    i hope you wake up to a ray of sunshine - and have a super saturday girl!

    <3 brooke

    p.s that is one of my top favorite laras. so reminiscent of banana bread, crazy good!

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  4. hii :)
    iv nevber tried this "white choc peanut butter" everyones raving about it! looks lush though
    i think if i had that women comming over al the time id get a little anoyed myself :/
    omg thought i cant beelive how un helpful shes being about it! yea its a good idea that your mums going to have a word because thats in no way helping you!!
    i hate it when people have no idea and try and but in.
    your doing super though girly
    poud of you :)
    xxxxpeony

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  5. Hello, I've just found your blog, I didn't know recovery blogs existed but I'm so glad I've found some! Don't feel guilty about eating your meals by yourself, I would not be able to cope with the comments either I've been in recovery for almost 3 years and comments while I'm eating are still a big no no. Remember you have to do what's best for yourself in recovery and it really sounds like she's having a really negative impact so feel proud of yourself both for doing the right thing and for managing to eat by yourself that's awesome!

    Laura

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  6. Ahhh, I know what you mean about recovery seeming like it will never completely happen! I think that sometimes, it's better not to set expectations for yourself. Instead you can just make little changes, so every so often you can see how much you've accomplished, instead of how you didn't reach your goals.


    Lovely eats today! You breakfast sounds divine. And I'm sorry about your neighbor, I hope your mom talking to her will get her to stop.

    Enjoy your saturday! Much love

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  7. Avocado's are amazing. I'll have to try them with green apples like you mention. Excited to read more of your blog. I just started one too, check it out - emmyster.wordpress.com

    -E

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  8. Hey Victoria! I sneak around blogs and have a blogger name but don't keep a blog of my own :\ sorry! but I do love to comment, and just wanted to say you're doing so well!! OMG seriously, you are incredible, I just went and doubled up my lunch after reading this because you're so inspiring and seeing you push through this reminds me that I can't skimp on things either. I also went through periods of needing 4000 calories and I know how hard that is, but it's gotten really easy to let those numbers slip down now that I'm close to goal so I've been gaining very slowly on about 2500, but I realize how dumb this is, my body probably needs more still and I'm only cheating myself by not keeping up.
    All your food looks amazing too! Funny thing, i found myself thinking the other day that I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to just eating a plain yogurt, I think I'd feel really unsatisfied since it's not enough food, and add ins just make it so yummy!
    I tend to be very all or nothing too and get very upset when I don't accomplish something I wanted, and am very very obsessive compulsive, so i understand how you feel. I can't promise that those feelings don't go away because I still struggle with them, but you do learn to keep them in check and if anything keep it from affecting areas of your life (food) that would be self harming.
    Keep up all your hard work! I'll be eating a big cal dense snack with you in spirit this afternoon!
    xoxo

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  9. love the larabar girlie! thats one of the BEST flavors.

    stay strong :)

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