Friday has brought me a mix of good and not-so good. I wanted to thank you all for being so supportive and encouraging - it really lifted me up when E.D. started hammering in my head. This always happens whenever I start figuring out how I'm going to increase my calories. Especially now. ED is soo upset over the thought of me shooting up to 3300 or 3600 over the weekend. But this morning when I got up, I had this feeling of "you haven't gained, have you?". It made for a really good morning, but I think my anorexia got jealous of me feeling okay with everything, so it started acting up after I took my little walk this morning. Anorexia never wants me to feel happy.
Breakfast this morning was SO much easier than yesterday. What a blessing. Its kind of funny too, because this morning's brekkie actually had more calories.
Cottage cheese, apple cinnamon rice cake,White Chocolate PB, orange marmalade. Kashi Autumn Wheat, Bolthouse farms Vanilla Soy Protein Shake, almonds, strawberries,
golden raisins. And plum juice.
I heated the cereal/raisins/vanilla chai shake up in the microwave first, then added the almonds and berries. Soo good. And it was no where near as filling. My mom thinks its weird that I like cottage cheese with peanut butter. ::shrugs:: Oh well.
Gail came over AGAIN this morning. :sigh: She is starting to really get on my nerves. She keeps asking about my food and how much I'm eating. This morning, my snack was Fage 2% with dried figs, honey, and granola. And this woman goes on and sticks her nose in it "What are those? What is that? Oh, I've never seen that before, I'm sorry honey. Its just that I don't put stuff into my yogurt like you do..." That made me feel kind of badly about myself...for how much I need to add. And then I found myself thinking "wouldn't it be nice to just have a plain yogurt again?" Stupid E.D. Then she goes on to tell me she told her husband how many calories I needed. Apparently, the man has some weight troubles of his own, so he basically said he wished he had my problem. >.<
Cottage cheese, tomato cucumber, bell pepper.
Green apple slices. Sprouted grain bread, mashed avocado, grated carrot.
Grated carrot and avocado is becoming a favorite of mine. Though, I do also really like avocado and green apple sandwiches. I think next time I shall do it up that way. Or perhaps avocado and cucumber. The only thing I dislike about avocado is that I have to have it two days in a row or else it starts turning funny colors.
I had this baby for my lunch dessert. Seriously one my all-time favorite flavors. Especially when warmed in the microwave!
Afternoon snack was the same as yesterday. As was dinner. I have a tendency to want to use up whatever I have made before cooking up something different. I don't want to be wasteful by forgetting something is in the fridge because I've made too many different things. Its happened in the past, where things I've made or bought go bad because I forget to eat them. And I always feel really guilty over it. Another thing to work on I suppose
Sometimes I feel like I have so many things to work on, mentally and emotionally. I just don't know if I'll ever be "normal". I can accept it if I'm not. But I do have a tendency to want to accomplish everything fully and excellently, five seconds ago. So its a bit hard when I constantly feel like I am falling short of the expectations I set out for myself. Because ED tells me I can't just try again the next day. It always is right now or never. Such black and white thinking, I know. Another thing for therapy. I know it will get better in time, even now I am much better than I was months ago. But still, it is frustrating.
Hopefully Saturday will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago