So, Tuesday was an interesting day. Had therapy, which is always fun. More about that later. Breakfast was an awesome new creation of mine - Apple Pie Oat bran.
In the mix: 1/3 cup oat bran, 1/3 Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake and 1/3 water, one envelope of Vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast, one teaspoon cinnamon, and half a green apple chopped and cooked in. After, I stirred in 1/4 cup raisins, and a handful of almonds. Topped it with 1/4 cup trail mix and the rest of my chopped apple. Seriously, this was surprisingly good. Who new instant breakfast could be so tolerable?
I got to eat my morning snack on my own yesterday! I was so excited. It was much, much easier to eat without that charming neighbor of mine there. I felt really good about it. It really made me feel a lot better about myself, not having to be incessantly supervised because no one trusts me.
Fage 2%, large sliced banana, honey, chopped granola bar and some almonds that were camera-shy.
Lunch was the old stand-by.
Peanut butter and raspberry jam on Ezekial bread, cottage cheese with cucumber, tomatoes and I believe there was some bell pepper hiding in there too. And strawberries. Lunch dessert was another one of those lovely Nectar bars that Clif sent me! I still have 5 or 6 of those left ^.^ I'm trying to save them.
Its weird - but I try to make sure I have a peanut butter sandwich every 2-3 days so I don't become afraid of having it again. Even though I do inevitably have peanut butter at least once a day - I am slightly nervous that if I do too long without making a PBJ - I will start to feel like I'm not allowed to have it anymore. *shrugs* At least making sure I do that prevents me from eating the same exact lunch everyday. Albeit, the last time I posted I had PB too. Hrmm. Will have to update with my next new lunch - because I really do get more creative than PBJ, I promise ^.^
At therapy: Vanilla Chobani with orange marmalade,dark chocolate chips, and golden raisins
This was the first time I had ever tried that combination. And I'll be honest - it was REALLY good. Like having a big bowl of orange liquer, only healthier. Therapy was wonderful yesterday. My therapist is exceedingly proud of me. And I am truly thankful. He could have stopped seeing me eight months ago when I was at my lowest weight, or any time thereafter really, because keeping me as his patient was a legal liability. If I had died, he could have been sued for malpractice - not only by my parents but by our insurance company or his employers. Because I was under XX pounds - technically speaking he was supposed to start refusing to see me and have me commited to an inpatient facility whethere I wanted to go or not. But he had faith in me, and he didn't go that route. I am grateful for that. It took me a while to reall get my act together. But now that I have, ain't nothin stoppin me. I'm really one of those people - everything with me is full-force.
I finally have pictures of my ENTIRE dinner!
Bulgur wheat with hummus, ground flax, olive oil and a bit of spinach. On the side there is faux-tuna salad, as well as green beans, broccoli and sweet peas (mixed the peas with my faux-tuna afterwards) Also had a glass of Chocolate Silk.
And dessert! Rice cake with nutella. I ate a whole rice cake, I just like cutting them in half and spreading the Nutella onto each side. :shrugs: I find it easier to eat that way.
Oats with canned pumpkin, dried cranberries, cinnamon, brown sugar, cinnamon bun coffee creamer, and a spoonful of cinnamon swirl PB. First time having this bowl, and it was quite comforting. I had a bit of a stomach ache after therapy, so it did make it hard to eat. Foruntately, so far today I am feeling better.
Yesterday was weird. Just, there is so much going on around me and at times I feel really overwhelmed by how much people want of me. Two of my friends want me to come out and visit them when I reach my target weight. One lives three days south of me, the other three days west. I want to go. But I am afraid that my parents will think I am just running away from maintaining my recovery. And thats not true. I'd really like to be able to "stretch my wings" a little bit. Its been so long since I have felt free, like myself again. I am finally getting that feeling back. I don't want to lose it due to being trapped under my parent's roof for another two years while I wait for them to feel secure. I can't wait for them. I need to just trust in myself first. I suppose maybe my biggest hesitation is really within myself. And its jsut really confusing when you have eight different guys all wanting to take you here and there and have you be their girlfriend. And then I'm just like "Wha?" I am so oblivious to things at times. I didn't realize this until they all started telling me explicitly that they liked me and wanted to date me. I feel a bit silly now, and also like I don't really know what to do with myself. This is one of those situations where anorexia creeps up on me and says "Wouldn't it be easier if you ciuld just hide? if you let me back in, I can help you." Blargh. WILL NOT WORK. I know this. I know it doesn't help. And thus far, I've been managing the boys okay. :sigh: As long as no one else enters the picture, I'll be able to keep track. Otherwise, I will have to resort to a small reclusive cabin northern New Hampshire where no one can find me.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago