Monday, March 23, 2009

Up And Again.

Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner. This weekend was crazy busy. I went on a few dates, with a few different guys. Fun times. Also, I got a few calls from friends I haven't seen or really talked to in about two years. Its hard not to think the thought "Gee, NOW that I'm not struggling so so much anymore, you want to be my friend? Where were you when I was on my deathbed?" But I know for someone in their twenties, the thought of a close friend dying can be a bit overwhelming. Especially if that person literally looks like death. So I'm trying to not be bitter about the abandonment I felt and just accept that they couldn't deal with it then, but maybe not tehy are more willing to stick around and be good friends again. I'll be a bit cautious, but it is nice to think that I may have some female-friends again. at the moment, nearly every friend I have is a guy. And I love them, really I do, but sometimes they just don't get it.
I also had the added shock of needing to up my calories again. :sigh: 3600 now. It's getting very difficult to figure out how to get everything in. I've been putting Carnation Instant Breakfast packets into my cereal to help get the calories in. But I don't really like the synthetic nutrition deal, after having to be on nothing but supplement shakes for over a month. Granted, the instant breakfast mixed with cereal is no where near as bad as Ensure Plus straight out of the can, not even shaken. Still. Its a bit intimidating, but I am going to try to plan a few days each week where I don't need that stuff.

Here's yesterday's incredible 3600 calorie eats.

Breakfast: Dorset Berries n Cherries with Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake, Carnation Instant Breakfast, almonds,cinnamon and a cherry pomegranate clif bar - crumbled in. Cottage cheese and strawberries. Glass of plum juice. This was a good breakfast - it wasn't overly filling for all the calories it had. I heated up the shake/CIB combo together in a glass before pouring it over my cereal. ^.^

Snack: Fage 2% with chopped figs, almonds, honey. Unpictured chewy trail mix bar that I dipped into the yogurt.

Lunch: White Chocolate PB with blackberry preserves on sprouted grain bread. Cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato and green beans. Also an unpictured apple juice box.
I had a favorite for my lunch dessert:

Warmed in the microwave, and its just like a brownie! love.

Did I mention I went grocery shopping yesterday? Well, I did. And I bought some new things. Bear naked Fruit and Nut granola to be exact, with dried cherries, ground flax, fruit preserves, and vanilla yogurt. Yum. It was a nice change from my usual chocolate chip-almond-raisin mix.

Dinner: veggie burger topped with 4% ricotta cheese (I mixed foods! ok, not a lot. But baby steps) whole wheat penne with olive oil, spinach, and seeds. Side of broccoli and peas, and a glass of vanilla soy milk. I keep forgetting to take pictures of my dessert with dinner. But it was a cinnamon rice cake with Nutella and orange marmalade. Little known fact: We currently have 5 jars of nut-butters and four jars of jam in my fridge/pantry. Yep.

Nightly snack: 5-grain hot cereal with a banana (half cooked in, half sliced on top) with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon and brown sugar. Topped with a big spoonful of Cinnamon Raisin Swirl PB.

OK. This day went exceedingly well, especially considering the increase of calories included a few fears for me. ED has a huge rule about eating peanut butter or nuts before bed. But I needed to add the calories, so I did. And if I may say this - Cinnamon-Raisin PB and Banana oats were truly quite good. I was a bit afraid when i sat down to eat. But I did it. I was also a bit afraid of dinner, with the whole "not skim dairy" deal. But I did that too. And I even drank a juice box. Holy crap. ED hates it when I have several liquid or otherwise undectable sources of calories in the same day. I think ED is very masochistic (or is it sadistic? After all, I'm hurting me...but ED makes me do it...hmm) anyways. My ED's philosophy seems to be "If you're going to eat that many calories, you damn well better feel it fool!" But I need to make it easier on myself with this many calories, that much I know. Plus, if I can eat less volume-wise but still get my calories in, I won't feel as stuffed. So ED won't ahve any reason to be in my head.
I feel slightly guilty at the moment. As I know exactly why yesterday went so well. I went out with a friend around eleven in the morning, and we got pretty well toasted. So the rest of the day, I was in a state of "Eh whatever, I'm happy." Like even when I found myself starting to feel nervous or thinking to much - my mind would revert to "Does this really even matter? You have to do this today, tomorrow, the next day. And if you do it now, think of how much more fun you'll be able to have later. You won't have to constantly leave because oh no you forgot to bring a snack, or you aren't allowed to eat out for dinner. You can go to the damn diner with B and have french toast for lunch. You won't have to say no because your mom wants you home for lunch to make sure you eat enough. See. It'll be good one day."
I'm revolutionary when I'm stoned. Really. Not that I condone it as a habit to get into. I've been there before too - where I was smoking six times a day or more for months on end. And that was no good. I still remember the morning I woke up and realized I was becoming a burn-out. I stopped smoking right then, cold turkey. Now its only an occasional thing (weekly/monthly at most). It frustrates me to think that I could do that so, so easily without a second thought, without any trouble. But then anorexia has been such a vice. :sigh: I suppose it doesn't matter about the past, because I am fixing it now.

Hope everyone had as lovely and interesting a weekend as I did! I will try to update again later.


  1. Just stumbled here today for the first time. I just thought i would comment on the stoned business. My best friend for about 10 years has struggled with Bulima/Anorexia since she was in about 6th grade, and through highschool/ and college we were big time stoners, she is one of the biggest reasons i support medicinal marijauna, because it helped her so much. So know you are not alone on that front! Have a good day.

  2. glad to see your update tori!
    i am so proud of your increase! you are amazing, and you are sticking to it :) awesome job girly - this will all be worth it in the end. you are already seeing this new life outside of ed that is waiting for you to arrive!

    that clif nectar is my favorite flavor - ill have to try it warmed up next time because it is so reminiscent of a fugdy brownie. and great job with the dinner! recovery is all about baby steps. funny you mentioned the opened jars of nut butters and preserves in your house! we currently have 8 nut butters and 6 preserves - no worries. but variety is the best :)

    hope your tuesday is going well! keep going strong!

    <3 brooke

    p.s ''i'm revolutionary when I'm stoned.'' so funny! but im glad that you experienced these new ed feelings - you are making so much progress!

  3. I can't explain how much your comment meant to me. I'm definitely not able to eat as much as you, but I have always eaten more than my friends and it's really difficult to deal with especially when I'm trying to gain weight. It's really good to hear that someone else is in a similar situation, and I'm definitely going to be snooping around your blog for awhile! You did an excellent job with all the challenges today- your food looks amazing! Keep up the incredible work, you truly are an inspiration

    <3 Laura

  4. Hey Tori,
    Thanks so so so much for the kind comment and visit to my blog. I am so happy you found inspiration and insight through the last post. Reading your blog and history is really comforting. Thank you again! I look forward to reading more.

    PS, that Clif Nectar bar is so good, right? :)

  5. hey tori,
    i just saw you also just started a blog so there we go, something in common :)
    you're post sounds very strong and well done on challenging your eatings. its not always easy to stay focused when you're out and about living your days but that's what we bloggers are here for. We can do this together and beat the ED for good.
    love to hear from you
    lots of care