Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner. This weekend was crazy busy. I went on a few dates, with a few different guys. Fun times. Also, I got a few calls from friends I haven't seen or really talked to in about two years. Its hard not to think the thought "Gee, NOW that I'm not struggling so so much anymore, you want to be my friend? Where were you when I was on my deathbed?" But I know for someone in their twenties, the thought of a close friend dying can be a bit overwhelming. Especially if that person literally looks like death. So I'm trying to not be bitter about the abandonment I felt and just accept that they couldn't deal with it then, but maybe not tehy are more willing to stick around and be good friends again. I'll be a bit cautious, but it is nice to think that I may have some female-friends again. at the moment, nearly every friend I have is a guy. And I love them, really I do, but sometimes they just don't get it.
I also had the added shock of needing to up my calories again. :sigh: 3600 now. It's getting very difficult to figure out how to get everything in. I've been putting Carnation Instant Breakfast packets into my cereal to help get the calories in. But I don't really like the synthetic nutrition deal, after having to be on nothing but supplement shakes for over a month. Granted, the instant breakfast mixed with cereal is no where near as bad as Ensure Plus straight out of the can, not even shaken. Still. Its a bit intimidating, but I am going to try to plan a few days each week where I don't need that stuff.
Here's yesterday's incredible 3600 calorie eats.
Breakfast: Dorset Berries n Cherries with Soy Vanilla Chai protein shake, Carnation Instant Breakfast, almonds,cinnamon and a cherry pomegranate clif bar - crumbled in. Cottage cheese and strawberries. Glass of plum juice. This was a good breakfast - it wasn't overly filling for all the calories it had. I heated up the shake/CIB combo together in a glass before pouring it over my cereal. ^.^
Snack: Fage 2% with chopped figs, almonds, honey. Unpictured chewy trail mix bar that I dipped into the yogurt.
Lunch: White Chocolate PB with blackberry preserves on sprouted grain bread. Cottage cheese with cucumber and tomato and green beans. Also an unpictured apple juice box.
I had a favorite for my lunch dessert:
Warmed in the microwave, and its just like a brownie! love.
Did I mention I went grocery shopping yesterday? Well, I did. And I bought some new things. Bear naked Fruit and Nut granola to be exact, with dried cherries, ground flax, fruit preserves, and vanilla yogurt. Yum. It was a nice change from my usual chocolate chip-almond-raisin mix.
Dinner: veggie burger topped with 4% ricotta cheese (I mixed foods! ok, not a lot. But baby steps) whole wheat penne with olive oil, spinach, and seeds. Side of broccoli and peas, and a glass of vanilla soy milk. I keep forgetting to take pictures of my dessert with dinner. But it was a cinnamon rice cake with Nutella and orange marmalade. Little known fact: We currently have 5 jars of nut-butters and four jars of jam in my fridge/pantry. Yep.
Nightly snack: 5-grain hot cereal with a banana (half cooked in, half sliced on top) with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon and brown sugar. Topped with a big spoonful of Cinnamon Raisin Swirl PB.
OK. This day went exceedingly well, especially considering the increase of calories included a few fears for me. ED has a huge rule about eating peanut butter or nuts before bed. But I needed to add the calories, so I did. And if I may say this - Cinnamon-Raisin PB and Banana oats were truly quite good. I was a bit afraid when i sat down to eat. But I did it. I was also a bit afraid of dinner, with the whole "not skim dairy" deal. But I did that too. And I even drank a juice box. Holy crap. ED hates it when I have several liquid or otherwise undectable sources of calories in the same day. I think ED is very masochistic (or is it sadistic? After all, I'm hurting me...but ED makes me do it...hmm) anyways. My ED's philosophy seems to be "If you're going to eat that many calories, you damn well better feel it fool!" But I need to make it easier on myself with this many calories, that much I know. Plus, if I can eat less volume-wise but still get my calories in, I won't feel as stuffed. So ED won't ahve any reason to be in my head.
I feel slightly guilty at the moment. As I know exactly why yesterday went so well. I went out with a friend around eleven in the morning, and we got pretty well toasted. So the rest of the day, I was in a state of "Eh whatever, I'm happy." Like even when I found myself starting to feel nervous or thinking to much - my mind would revert to "Does this really even matter? You have to do this today, tomorrow, the next day. And if you do it now, think of how much more fun you'll be able to have later. You won't have to constantly leave because oh no you forgot to bring a snack, or you aren't allowed to eat out for dinner. You can go to the damn diner with B and have french toast for lunch. You won't have to say no because your mom wants you home for lunch to make sure you eat enough. See. It'll be good one day."
I'm revolutionary when I'm stoned. Really. Not that I condone it as a habit to get into. I've been there before too - where I was smoking six times a day or more for months on end. And that was no good. I still remember the morning I woke up and realized I was becoming a burn-out. I stopped smoking right then, cold turkey. Now its only an occasional thing (weekly/monthly at most). It frustrates me to think that I could do that so, so easily without a second thought, without any trouble. But then anorexia has been such a vice. :sigh: I suppose it doesn't matter about the past, because I am fixing it now.
Hope everyone had as lovely and interesting a weekend as I did! I will try to update again later.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago