Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thursday and some art.(4.30.09)

Today has been a bit of a struggle for me, I admit. I don't really know why. The ED thoughts haven't been teribly present per say, but the OCD-like habits have been making me feel crazy. I'm working on picking one habit every few days to try to cease. But certain things do make me rather anxious. Its like in my head, doing certan things makes eating "okay" even though I know its entirely absurd. Like having to walk around the kitchen five times before sitting down, or having to have everything arranged a certain way, or take a certain number of bites before having a sip of water. I mean really. My eating disorder is very, very obsessive-compulsive. I suppose a therapist would say the lack of stability I felt in my home growing up caused me to develop aforementioned habits as a means to gain some twisted sense of control and continuity. Today - I challenged myself and ceased a few of those weird habits. I suppose that's were a bit of my anxiety is coming from? I'm not sure. But I know it will be better tomorrow. If I can go one day, I can go a million. Even though it caused initial anxiety, it feels a lot more normal and on some level, I am happier because of it.

Breakfast: Bircher-muesli! God it seems like everyone had this for breakfast today. Mine was 5-grain cereal soaked overnight in vanilla soy, mixed with 1/2 cup BearNaked granola in the morning, then plopped into a Stonyfield peach yogurt. Added a rather large sliced banana, almonds and creamy peanut butter on top. This was the first peach yogurt I've had in AGES. It was good ^.^ I also had a glass of plum juice on the side.

I had to go emergency-grocery shopping for my mom this morning, and I kind of forgot to take a picture of my morning snack. But it was really good! I had cottage cheese with golden raisins, agave nectar, and a cashew cookie larabar. I crumbled a bit of the bar into the cottage cheese - soo good. Made it taste like really soft cookie dough I think.

Lunch was a new combination too. Sprouted grain bread with roasted red pepper hummus and a good wedge of firm tofu. On the side I had green beans and tomato with dressing and a sliced gala apple. I think hummus + tofu is going to be a new favorite combo for sandwiches.

Afternoon snack: Plain yogurt mixed with cottage cheese, topped with strawberries and orange marmalade. OK, I didn't *really* think I'd like the combination of yogurt and cottage cheese - but it was actually really good. It totally changed the texture and made the yogurt really thick.

Dinner: grilled tilapia with lemon-garlic dressing, bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, sweet peas and broccoli dressed with olive oil. Ok. This meal sincerely reminded me as to why I'm not a fan of meat. Slowly but surely - I will retain my full-time vegetarianism. Until then, its fish buried with spoonfuls of veggies and grains.

Snack before bed was something new. I admit, I was a bit intimidated, but it was delish and I think it will become a new treat. It was oatbran cooked with vanilla creme coffee, canned pumpkin, and cinnamon topped with chocolate chips. Yay for something new! I thought I was going to miss my PB-oats, and while I think I still prefer peanut butter as a topping to chocolate - it was definitly good for a little change.

I have three days until I speak at the assembly. I'm getting a little nervous. I keep walking around the house talking outloud to myself while no one is home, trying to figure out what I should say, what I need to say. I know when I get on the stage, all planning will be shot to hell anyways. But hopefully I will have some sort of general direction for myself to go in.

Now, I've mentioned art before, but never posted anything. So here's a painting of mine from not too too long ago:

This is acrylics and clay on canvas. I'm really proud of this painting in particular as its a finger-painting. I used brushes to lay down the base coat but did everything else with my fingers and fingertips.

This one is from my portfolio from college in 2007 actually. Ball-point pen and white drawing paper. Will have to get around to taking more photos of more recent works. But these are some things I had on the computer already.

Looking at my artwork makes me a bit sad though - it reminds me of why I truly did deserve that scholarship to Pratt. Which then leads me to be so angry at myself for letting that relapse in the fall of 2006 happen, for not trying harder to fix it on my own. I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I hadn't relapsed that year - if I had believed in myself enough to gain the weight back on my own, if I had taken my friends there seriously when they wanted to feed me. I try very hard not to regret my past but I lost so very much in such a short period of time. I know that my experiences are what made me the person I am today, and I know that person is good and can help other people. But sometimes, I wish I could go back and help myself instead. Is that selfish of me? I feel selfish when I think that way. I guess I'll just have to trust that this is the way things were meant to be, and that one of these days I will find my place. I just hope its sooner rather than later. I am begining to feel lost without any real sense of direction anymore. :sigh: I hope I find something soon.

Well, its getting late. Hope everyone has a beautiful Friday!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Therapuetic Tuesdays.

Today has been mostly good. I actually woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and liked who I saw. I cannot recall the last time that happened. So, I put on clothes that made me feel pretty. And I felt good most of the day, until this awful stomach ache set in. That wasn't so fun. I had therapy this afternoon as well. It was a pretty good session I guess. More dealing with my now-occuring issues due to my stunted emotional growth thanks to ED. That was a mouthful, wasn't it? Yeah, I though it sounded like a bunch of hooey too. But I suppose it makes sense - the ED kept me in a shell. And now that I am breaking out of the shell, I am encountering a lot of things I never really permitted myself to deal with before. Also, I am speaking at an assembly that my former high school holds each year. The assembly is actually a 4-day thing, 40 minutes each day for four days. I'll be going on Monday for 20+ minutes. I'm really excited, but I'm also a bit nervous. I have an idea of what I want to say, and what I think they need to hear, but I'm not totally sure. I know I'll figure something out. I just really want to make sure that what I say will be heard, and not just disreguarded as statistical crap that the kids already learn in health class.

Breakfast: Hodgson Mill's Multi-Grain cereal cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 a banana and raisins, topped with rest of the 'nana, almonds, Bear Naked triple berry granola and Dark Chocolate Dreams. On the side there is cottage cheese with some of my granola and raisins, as well as a glass of juice. This bowl of oats was more like dessert! I think that's why I don't typically have chocolate in the morning. But a little bit now and again is okay.

Mid-morning snack was a Fage 2% with golden raisins, agave nectar and my favorite - a cashew cookie larabar. I'm really proud of myself - I didn't heat this bar in the microwave. I think ED thought heating up = softer = easier to make crumbs with. Not quite sure. But the bar was just as good, regardless of temperature. Woo.

Lunch: Flat-out whole wheat wrap with avocado, tofu, broccoli, tomato, and cucumber. I had the extra veggies that didn't fit in my wrap on the side. As my "lunch dessert" I made a cottage cheese parfait - about a cup of strawberries topped with cottage cheese and drizzled with honey. I almost forgot to take the theres a bit missing. Today was a bit hectic at lunch time since my mom wanted to eat with me today.

Mid-afternoon snack was a repeat of yesterdays, except I used a vanilla yogurt today instead of plain. Still quite good though ^.^

Dinner was my last full serving of whole wheat pasta (somewhat) mixed/topped with green beans, corn and sweet peas dressed with olive oil, and a lemon garlic tilapia fillet. I really miss being vegan, or even vegetarian. I feel like I felt better when I didn't eat fish. I do feel fairly secure in my ability to know whether or not it was an ED choice or not - I think I have to wean myself into more and more vegetarian meals. Not for my own sake - but purely so my mother hopefully won't notice the change and freak out. I know she doesn't mean to be so controlling, and that it's purely out of her fear. So, I just have to try to show her I can be okay and she can relax.

Another bowl of apple pied oats ^.^ I don't quite know why I have been having this so much lately. I guess I was pumpkined and berried out? Anyways, its 5-grain hot cereal with brown sugar, cinnamon, caramel coffee creamer and chopped apple cooked in, nice spoonful of cinnamon raisin peanut butter on top. Really becoming my comfort bowl these days.

Ok. Well, girl here is tired. Hope everyone's had a good day. With that, I leave you all with a song lyric that's been in my head all day.
"One more day to leave it all behind,
To go where you have never even tried.
Don't let your inhibitions guide your way." - RX Bandits

Monday, April 27, 2009

Apparently, its truly Manic Monday.

Today has been...well its been a good day for the most part. The amount of stress I'm feeling is creating some rather intense stomach pains, but its a good day otherwise. I went to the gym to do my strength training, and it truly has been boosting my mood and making me feel better about myself. I still really need to get a job. Even volunteering is hard to find around here - where I live people do not exactly offer helping hands that much. I'm getting anxious for the summer sessions at the community college to start so I can get my butt in gear and catch myself up at least somewhat.
The down side of this day is that there are seriously way too many guys interested in me. One of my friends is talking about moving back east so he can be with me. Another wants me to come down to Florida to visit/stay since he just moved there. And there's the guys who are actually in state. Another thing complicating all of this is one of my friends. We have an interesting relationship - kinda friends with benefits. He kissed me yesterday, left a rather enormous mark on my neck as well. My mind says "Doesn't mean anything." This is probably too much detail - but its been a while since kissing was involved with things, and defintely hasn't kissed me goodbye since we dated oh-so-long ago, and it totally threw me off. Not a bad thing really, but its weird when I think about other things, both from the past, or even like on my way out, being yours truly - I tripped over something and he's right there making sure I'm alright. I don't know, it just seems out of character I guess? Its not like I've never tripped before. :sigh: I hate how I notice all these little things all the time - it makes me crazy. I believe this kind of thing is definitely where my ED stunted my growth as an adolescent that has now followed me into adulthood. I just don't know what to think.
It is so overwhelming. The thing I hate most is when they ask about love. Love is a hard emotion for me - I tend to give away my heart a bit too easily, and a bit too frequently. Quite honestly, nearly everyone I meet gets a space in my heart and I care about everyone. This makes it hard for me to know what to say or which instincts to follow. I also don't know what I want. I do know that I really can't handle purposely getting into a serious relationship right now. I do not want to end up feeling like I am dependent on someone else. I need to be strong within myself first. But at the same time, I hate that I feel so alone all the time. I admit to being slightly oblivious to myself and the way other people feel about me - this is another shortcoming of mine that I think I need to work on. I never intentionally lead someone on, but it happens. And then I feel horrible and don't know how to fix it without being hurtful Which is also rather difficult. :sigh: At least I got through the day alright, even with all this stuff on my mind, trying to figure things out and how I feel about whom.


Breakfast: 1/2 cup each Kashi Autumn Wheat and Bearnaked granola with sliced banana, 1/2 a chopped apple, and vanilla soymilk topped with creamy peanut butter. On the side: cottage cheese, other 1/2 chopped apple and juice. This was pretty darn good, haven't had cold cereal in a bit and the warm weather this morning was most inviting for a cold breakfast.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, ounce of almonds, golden raisins and honey. I also had bell pepper and baby carrots with hummus when I returned from the gym.

Lunch: White Chocolate Wonderful with blueberry preserves. I think is my new favorite jam, for real. I also had the rest of my cucumber and pepper along some green beans and cottage cheese.

Afternoon snack: vanilla yogurt with orange marmalade and strawberries. This felt really summery and refreshing - I also really liked the color composition.

Dinner: Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus/olive oil dressing, peas, broccoli, corn, tomato, and a good wedge of firm tofu. There's also some romaine hiding in there too.

Apple pied oats again, I know. But the apples are in desperate need of using up. I think I'm going to try pumpkin-chocolate chip-oats after I finish off my apples.

You know what I just realized. My only issues today were entirely un-ED related. Well, in theory anyways. I suppose we could argue my ED stunted my growth in emotional relationships. But anyways! My day was spent thinking about things entirely outside of my eating disorder - things that made me feel good, or not so good, or confused and insecure. But none of things involvd food or body image. It was purely the life of an average twenty year old.

This feels good.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunny Sunday.

Hello all. Today was beautiful - warm, sunny. I had a good day, went to the beach, hung out with a friend. I'm really proud of myself for that, ED wanted me to stay home so I could finish planning meals. But I wanted to go out so that's what I did. ^.^

Breakfast was something I hadn't had in a while - Oatbran cooked in vanilla soy shake with banana (half creamed in, half sliced), raisins, almonds and flaked coconut. On the side I had cottage cheese with PB and orange marmalade, and a glass of juice.

Morning snack was fage 2% with golden raisins, agave nectar and creamy peanut butter. Wowww. I admit - I was a bit scared of this combo, but it was good. Definitly something I would do again.

Lunch was a Flat-Out whole wheat wrap (!!I can't believe I found these!) with avocado, tofu, almonds, green beans and tomato. On the side, I had cottage cheese with strawberries and some of the extra veggies. This was excellent I have to say. I have been really afraid of having wraps (only goodness knows why) so I felt super proud of myself for having this and enjoying it.

Afternoon snack was a vanilla yogurt with strawberries and ground flax. On the side there you can somewhat see my rice cake. It had nutella on it actually, but I've posted that so much its really not something new. We all know what the rice cake with nutella looks like I'm sure.

Dinner was a baked sweet potato brushed with olive oil along with scrambled eggs, and cottage cheese topped with peas and there is broccoli buried in there somewhere too. This was a bit of challenge - having the potato later in the day. but it was fun to have breakfast for dinner. So I'm glad I did it. Plus, I have discovered I rather like sweet potatoes.
Nighttime snack was my current favorite - apple pied oatmeal. This time I did it a little differently though. I nuked my chopped apple with cinnamon, brown sugar and a tablespoon of water together in the microwave in a seperate bowl. Then I cooked up my oats with coffee creamer. I dumped the baked apples on top and added my PB. This made it more like apple pie I think. Defintly going to have to do it that way again. Sorry for the lack of picture - I had just gotten home actually and was a bit out of it.

I feel like there is so much on my mind, but not enough words to speak. Its rather frustrating. I feel very afraid that I am relapsing. I know I'm not. But its like the days are getting longer and sometimes I feel like I have lost all control. My family situation isn't helping. Today at the grocery store, my mom suggested I buy whatever yogurt it was that was on sale instead of my Fage 2%, but the calories were a bit less so I told her that. And she totally freaked on me. I mean, really - would she have rather I said "oh sure that's fine". We all know that fifty calories quickly becomes five hundred. :sigh: I hate feeling like my ED is still manipulating my life. Like in hte back of my head it says "if you didn't have to eat, you could stay out later." things like that - I hate it. I do tell myself that if I didn't eat, eventually I wouldn't be able to go out at all so I'm better off doing what I need to do and still retain some of my life. But its hard. No one trusts me, at all. My mom questioned how many calories I was eating today, and even I after I showed her my log - she still didn't believe me. The other day, after I took a shower I closed my bedroom door to get dressed. Literally within two minutes, mumzy dearest was pounding on my door screaming "what are you doing in there? are you exercising?" Ugh. I wish she would back off. I know this is a crucial point, but for real - if I don't get at least a little space, I probably will relapse due to sheer frustration and inability to cope with the pressure to perform. I don't know anymore sometimes. Its just hard getting through the day when I am stuck home alone all by myself with absolutely nothing to do. I want a job, desperately. I need one for my sanity. But the economy is so bad right now, its really difficult to get work. I wish I could just find something to get me out of this place for even just a little while each day. Being here all the time only fuels my eating disorder and my obsessions. I need to break free not just from my anorexia but from the constraints of my home as well. If I don't, I don't know that my recovery will ever be successful.

Okay. Sorry for the depressive ramblings.
On a happier note - I highly recommend RX Bandits for lifting your spirits. I love ska and punk music - it is so lively and fun. Skanking at local shows was perhaps the best part of my yougner years, before the only venue in town (Oddfellas) was shut down and turned into a church. :sigh: Something I want to do really soon is go to a show - I miss the envirnoment of the live music and everyone there, moshing and dancing. It was so much fun, always. I guess thats another thing my ED took away. Something else to get back though at least.

On that note - what kind of music do you all listen to lfit your spirits or make you feel good? Anything specific? I know for me, one of my favorites is "All the Time" by RX Bandits, or "Pull Shapes" by the Pipettes. What about you all?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Finally, Friday.

I am feeling rather grateful that this week is over. Its been so hectic for me between all of appointments and other commitments and people I have to talk to (or rather, people needing/wanting to talk to me). I think that's a lot of how I end up feeling guilty. Its like there is so much that is wanted of me and I forget that I'm still in the process of recovering, and that I need to make sure I have time for myself. So then I see I've got thirty million things to do in a day, and it hits me that I don't have time to do it all - I still have to eat six times a day to maintain, I still need to rest and I can't jump right in to full-on life right away. Having to remind myself of these things is frustrating, but true. I did exactly that last spring and lo and behold - six weeks home and I had reached a number on the scale I never on my life thought I'd see. I keep reminding myself that I don't want to go back there. Sometimes its hard though. There are days when I look in the mirror, and it doesn't feel so bad. But other days, I wonder why I bothered putting myself through all of this when I still feel the same inside and still see the same ugly girl with a dirty face and betrayed body in the mirror. :shrugs: For the moment, those days seem to be fewer, but when they come I feel lost.

For the most part today has been good. I actually joined the local gym so I could start doing some weight-bearing exercises to build up my bone mass. So doing that today made me feel pretty good. Plus, it was beautiful outside. So that always helps make for a good mood.

Breakfast was Kashi Autumn Wheat with Bear Naked granola, raisins, sliced banana, almonds, and vanilla soymilk topped with creamy peanut butter. Along side there was a glass of plum juice and cottage cheese with some left over raisins. This was soo good, especially since its been awhile since I'd had a cold cereal.

Mid-morning snack before going to the gym was Fage 2% with raisins, agave nectar and half of a crumbled Pecan Pie larabar. I haven't had this flavor in ages, I forgot how good it was. Crumbled into the Fage made it really decadent feeling - but still really healthy. Definitely something to repeat if I ever manage to find larabars around here again.

After I got home from the gym, I made a little snack of half a red bell pepper with a scoop of hummus and a hardboiled egg. I know - totally weird combo right? But it balanced out calorie wise and the trainer I met with suggested I add an extra snack that was mainly protein based on the days I go. So! I did it.

Lunch: Avocado and cucumber on sprouted grain bread, cottage cheese with string beans and tomato with some dressing, and strawberries. For lunch dessert, I had the other half of my pecan pie larabar. ^.^

Afternoon snack: plain Stonyfield yogurt with orange marmalade and flaked coconut. Oh, I havent had coconut and orange marmalade together in a long time. I highly recommend it, either as a yogurt/cottage cheese topping, or on oats.

Dinner: Bulgur wheat with hummus, olive oil, tofu, baked tomatoes, sweet peas, corn and some romaine. i think this is probably my favorite dinnner. Wow. I have a favorite. And dinner nonetheless! Dinner has alawys been my least favorite meal for some reason - its always been the hardest for me to eat. Which is weird because the snack before bed is generally fine. :shrugs: Aren't eating disorders strange?

Speaking of snack before bed, I had another bowl of these:

In the mix: Five grain hot cereal with brown sugar, cinnamon, vanilla, caramel coffee creamer, chopped MacIntosh apple and cinnamon raisin swirl PB.

Ah well. Another day done, right? Right. Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel quite so strung up by my friends and family.

Hopefully, we'll all be able to enjoy our weekends and have that bright sunshiney weather everyone's talking about.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Today was fantastic.
Absolutely, entirely lovely.
A high school teacher I had, Mr. D., invited me to read poetry at the Poetry Fest they hold each year at my former high school today. I went. It felt amazing to be up there, reading my words again. I felt so proud. Kinda funny really, I ended up getting to read an extra poem because Mr. D wanted to end it with me reading. hehe. So many of the kids there came up to me after, telling me how great my writing was and asking if I'd come back to read at the weekly SpeakEasy sessions. Also, one of the boys insisted I had to come to the SLAM session they're holding soon. Yeah, huge confidence booster I have to say. My mom works at the school, and she was there. Apparently, several of the teachers who came to watch went up to her and said "You must be so proud of her, she is so talented." Oh man. I must have been beaming. It was really nice. Something my ED had taken away.
Here's some of what I read:

Stumbling down blackened stairs
Towards cement cellar floors
we scare and scar ourself again
with the stress and fracture of damaged ends and weakend frame
bring about your harshest conditions
I can bear it all.
I have taken all the weight of mine
Shed it, rebuilt it, and back again.
I have been undone
Naked and skeletal beneath the bright lights of hospital rooms
In the dead of a February winter.
I have been reformed, alive and well inside April's overcast skies
I have survived the wrath of self affliction,
And the falls of my own shield.
I can bear it all, as I have before
On shoulders born of bone and flesh
Walking on limbs made from the same stubborn and insolent fiber
Stumbling in the dark on this, my single staircase.
Up, up and down aggain. Always ups and downs.
I will find my way, through vulnerability and obstacle.
I will find the end.

And I also read this:
Easy as Sunday morning,
she's Venus with black dotted eyes and smiles of faded stars
Everyone draws her up real pretty, yeah
You make her real pretty now in lacy words
But I know the red sand and grit beneath dirty fingernails is collecting
She is streetlamps, oil stains and slick like a city torn by wealth versus beauty
Because numbers rip us all to shreads
Pulling out her hair, splitting ends to meet midway on dank corners
Hands shoved and balled fists into pocket
Farther out, glass windows sparkle uptown
Where the pockets are green and the wallets foam with billed seas
Flipping through sheets colored of algae, lets comb through the simple waves
Of envious smiles and posing arms.
Lets love the ease of a green lipped Titan
Against her, the bohemian venus of early morning.

Nothing about today's eats was particularly note-worthy, except for breakfast.

Breakfast was oatbran with vanilla soy shake, banana, about an ounce of almonds, and chocolate chips. Yum. I also had cottage cheese with orange marmalade, which I promplty mixed in after the chocolate chips were gone. ^.^

okay. So today started out great. And now I'm starting to feel absolutely miserable thanks to some of my friends. :sigh: Sometimes I wonder if I am damaged as a human being, and if it will ever be something I can fix. For the past several years of my life, ED has made all the calls. Now its not like that anymore and I feel at such a loss. Plus, after being on bedrest for nearly a year - I have become almost accustomed to the isolation. People do not understand how hard it is sometimes for me to go out. I don't know if its grown into agoraphobia, I hope not. Its more like I am unable to decide what I want anymore. And now I am so, so afraid of doing something wrong to upset my family. The guilt I feel for what I've put them through is more than I can express into words. And my friends do not understand this at all - that I feel like I owe them whatever it is that I have to do to give them peace of mind. I mean for fuck's sake my mother spent six months crying herself to sleep because she was convinced I was going to die during the night. How can I not feel like I owe them something for the hell I forced them to endure? I feel so selfish now for not ever seeing the pain I caused. I was too focused on destroying myself and punishing myself for the monster I felt was me. And now. Now I can't do anything that I might want to do because god forbid my parents didn't like it. And I abhor being like this, feeling this guilt that I can't seem to erase. I just don't know how to escape it.

Does anyone else feel guilty for their ED? How did you get past that?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wednesday 4/22

Sorry for not posting yesterday loves. I was really busy and just didn't really have it in me at the end of the day. Yesterday was a long day, don't really know why. I guess that happens sometimes though. I was a bit stressed due to some complications with friends, and people who just can't seem to grasp the word "no". :sigh: Oh well. I know, what crosses I bear, right?

Breakfast: Multi-grain cereal cooked in vanilla soy with sliced banana (half cooked in, half on top), dried figs, and two tablespoons of creamy peanut butter. On the side there is a glass of plum juice, and cottage cheese with orange marmalade.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2% with BearNaked granola, agave nectar and golden raisins

Lunch: White Chocolate Wonderful and blueberry preserves, mixed veggies with dressing, and cottage cheese with strawberries. I haven't had a white chocolate PB sandwich in a while, actually PBJ in general - this was soo good. ED was trying to make me afraid of it so I decided I needed to have it today. I nuked it up in the microwave since it was rather cold and dreary today - it was just the trick to warm me up. It felt like a real treat.

I got my hair cut today, I'm really proud of myself. My ED hates when I do things that make me feel good that also require sitting still and doing nothing for half an hour. But I feel a lot better about myself when I don't have shaggy skater boy hair. And that's what it starts to look like when it grows out - a cross between the skater boy flip and a white-girl 'fro.

I don't have a picture of my afternoon snack, I was cutting it really close getting to my therapy appointment on time, so I had to neglect my picture-taking duties. But it was a vanilla yogurt with crushed almonds and cinnamon. Quite good. Therapy went really well. Also, I am indeed going to speak at the unLearn assembly in May. Woo. I don't know exactly how in detail I am allowed to get, or how *ahem* graphic I can be, but I want to be as real as possible and I don't want to sugar coat my experiences. I have no problem disclosing the horrendous details of what I've been through in all aspects. Which may seem weird - but I tend to want to make people understand that this illness is not just a fashion trend, its real and its damaging in so many ways, more than just physical. I remember last Janurary, I was still in school. It was the first day of my psychology class. The heat in the building wasn't working well, or maybe it was. But it was 20 degrees outside. I had on two layers of pants, two sweaters and my winter coat, while sitting in the classroom. My fingertips were still turning blue, and I was still shivering. I remember the chair was really uncomfortable, digging into my spine and tailbone, but I was too afraid to move. I literally sat there frozen in that one spot on the chair, feeling the bruises form along my spinal cord, wanting desperately to curl up in my seat to stay warm, but I was too afraid to move. I feared that if I moved, it might make a noise and people would look at me. Thinking about that now, I realize how horrible that feeling was - being petrified to draw any amount of attention to myself. It paralyzed me. Of course, the immense and impenetrable cold was also quite horrific. I used to wear sweat pants with leggings underneath, a thermal shirt and a hoodie around the house. Once the sun went down, I still needed to curl up on the sofa for hours with the heating pad in order to retain some sense of warmth. I think those are things that help me stay on track - I remember those times and how pathetic and worn I felt. It helps remind me why I don't want to go back.

Anyways, on to dinner!

Dinner featured bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus, corn, sweet peas, broccoli, tofu and olive oil. I know this will sound silly, but corn is a fear food of mine so I feel really proud of myself for eating it. I actually planned it in for a few days in a row so I can really conquer the fear. My theory on fear foods is that anyone can do something once, its doing it multiple times that makes it really challegning, and thats also how you move past the fear. So my meals will have a splash of yellow thrown in for a few days.

Nightly snack: my current favorite - oats with chopped apple, cinnamon, brown sugar, vanilla caramel coffee creamer, and a tablespoon of cinnamon raisin peanut butter. yum.

I counted. Today I had five tablespoons of peanut butter. Oh man. You know, I just smashed ED's rule about "one serving per day" into the grave. And I just realized, I've been challenging myself more and more frequently without even realizing it. Amazing. I just decided "well I've been afraid of this so I'll try it." "Well ED says I can't do this so damnit I will" and those things build up. And it really does start to feel really freeing. Today was a pretty good day and I felt pretty good about everything. I am glad for that, after yesterday's dulldrums. Kinda weird too, given that today was equally gray and rainy. But I won't question a better mood.

Hope you all had a lovely Wednesday.

Monday, April 20, 2009


Alright. I have to admit I was really, really tempted to celebrate the "holiday" today. I had several offers but the weather tonight is so horrible, I just don't feel like going out. Way too cold and rainy for me, even with the metabolic fire I'm currently running. It is probably not the only thing keeping me in right now though, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Today started off alright. I don't know why, but this morning, I woke up and I felt good about myself. Even the feelings about my "new body" (BTW not that anyone needs to know this but my boobs are consistently getting bigger. I'm excited. I fill an A-cup!Never done that before!) are becoming more positive. Well, sometimes anyways. So yeah. I felt good most of the day. I even dropped by my former high school to say hi to some of my old teachers. I had gone in with my mom one day to work during the summer while I was pretty much around my lowest-ever weight. And she always says how everyone is asking about me, so I figured "I feel really good today. I should go visit so they can really see how much better I am now." Oh man. It was a bit overwhelming. My English and art teachers kept hugging me and telling me how much better and more beautiful I looked, how proud of me they were, etc. Actually, one of my teachers told me I was living a miracle. Quite sweet of her. I suppose I, like many, tend to belittle my own struggles and think of it as just part of my life. Big deal. Sometimes I think telling other people about it, while difficult, helps me see how big of a deal it really is. Honestly though, the thing that made me happiest was seeing that two of my paintings were still hanging in the classroom, and several of my other pieces were in the display closet (I graduated in 2006. Stuff usually gets trashed after a year).
Then came me having some sort of weird panic/meltdown whilst planning out my meals. I guess ED decided yet again that I had been far too happy today and just decided to whiplash me. "No, you can't have any more calories at this meal than you did yesterday. Wait is that an extra gram of fat in your afternoon snack? No, move that extra hundred into breakfast, not dinner." RAWR. Eventually I just curled on my floor, crying because I couldn't take the pressure of it anymore. It made me so, so upset with myself though. I haven't worried about that sort of thing in weeks, maybe even months. I think perhaps my ED knows I'm moving further away from it so it just had to try to strike back in some way. :sigh: Its all better now, but I feel really embarrassed over how I let it get me so upset and frustrated. I wish I trusted myself to eat enough without planning.

Anyways. Here's today's lovely eats that were planned WITHOUT anorexia piddling about how many calories I was eating where and where.

Breakfast: The usual glass of juice and...bircher-muesli! 1/2 cup Familia muesli soaked overnight, then stirred into an Oikos Blueberry Greek yogurt in the AM with almonds, sliced banana, chopped apple and natural creamy peanut butter. This was really, really good. I love muesli with peanut butter, don't ask me why.

Oikos Review: I have had Chobani in blueberry flavor before and thought it was okay, but the Oikos is really much better I think. Definitely got more blueberries than I did making this with Chobani. And I think the yogurt had a creamier consistency too. Overall, for my blueberry Greek yogurts, I think I'll make the splurge for Oikos.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, golden raisins, crumbled cherry-pom nectar bar, drizzled with honey.

I actually ate lunch on my own today! Hooray. I had a roasted red pepper hummus and grated carrot sammich, finished off the last of the strawberries and I made myself a veggie parfait consisting of dressed tomatoes and green beans with cottage cheese.
Lunch dessert was a doozy. It felt a little challenging because I did it all on my own, but the pride I felt in myself after was totally worth it.

A full serving of G&B's mint filled dark chocolate. Really. This is good stuff.

Afternoon snack: Okay, so the picture really only is of half of my snack. I had a bowl of cottage cheese with granola and some almonds. My mom was putting the rush on me due to wanting to get to the grocery store before it rained. But I snuck a little picture anyways, just because I could.

Dinner: tuna and pea casserole made with whole wheat penne, WM ricotta, olive oil, sweet peas. Added some broccoli and Swiss chard for kicks.

My oats before bed were the same as yesterday - we have soo many apples that need using up. So I've been trying to have them before they go bad or something. Yep. Plus that and I really haven't been wanting pumpkin oats as much anymore, so I'm trying to honor that, even if my ED says they "safer" than having fruited oats. I've been having such a hard time knowing what it is that I'd like to eat lately (or forever) and its really becoming a frustration for me. But I suppose knowing what I don't want is the first step?
Does anyone else struggle with knowing what it is that they want? I'm sure loads of us do, but how do you/ did you learn to know what it was that you wanted or needed? I mean, I an barely pick out a pair of socks some mornings. It makes me wonder how on Earth I ever even finish a day's worth of planning. But really - I'm interested to know how others have overcome that particular issue.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Sunday. Oh Sunday.

Today was a very mixed day for me emotionally. I started the day feeling pretty good, but then ended up crying again after dinner. :sigh: So frustrating. I keep feeling like this is never going to be over and done with, like there is always going to be some part of me that feels tainted and unnatural. I just wish it would go away, yknow? Like that little voice there that says "oh you don't need that last spoonful of yogurt." I'll be honest. There are mornings where I will literally sit at the table with that last bit of yogurt on my spoon for a solid five minutes. I do eat it, I always do. I remind myself how long it took me to start finishing everything, how long it took me to be allowed to eat on my own, hell even how long it took for me to start eating solid foods. I think of those things, and it reminds me why that last spoonful is so important. Its like ED's last grip on me and I can't let him have it back. But its hard some days when I just don't feel like finishing. Like this evening. :sigh: More boys that I don't feel comfortable with who just don't get it. Literally, one of them calls me every Sunday. I've stopped answering my phone whenever I think its him. He has made three different screen names in attempt to talk to me. It makes me want to curl up and hide. It also makes me angry that he just doesn't get it. And then there's another one who constantly makes me feel badly about the fact that I'm in recovery, and that I just do not need. I don't need anyone giving me shit about how much or how frequently I have to eat so it interrupts his agenda. I don't think so. Its hard enough, I need not any other negativity about the subject. Maybe I'm being self-righteous, I don't know. But I do know that even if it upsets me and makes me feel badly about myself - I still have the pride of knowing I said "no" inspite of whatever foolish and probably self-destructive things ED would rather I go out and do.

On to Breakfast!

In this bowl we have: 1/2 cup mult-grain hot cereal cooked with 1/2 a nana, 8oz Vanilla Chai latte + 2oz vanilla soymilk and some ground flax. Stirred in was 1/4 cup each raisins, granola and a tablespoon of flaked coconut. On top - rest of my banana, 1/4 cup trailmix and a tablespoon each of creamy PB and coconut. On the side, glass of plum juice. My breakfasts have been rather elaborate lately, haven't they?

Midmorning snack: Fage 2%, fruit and nut granola, figs and a drizzle of agave. Also: slice of cinnamon-raisin bread to dip in my Fage ^.^ Good combo.

Lunch was the standby: avocado with grated carrot and cucumber. Plus veggies in olive oil, strawberries, and apple juice.
Lunch dessert:

Favorite flavor. And yes, I nuked it in the microwave. It was suggested that I put one in the freezer/fridge...and I was going to try it...but it was a bit chilly today. Sometimes I wonder what drives me to heat up literally everything I eat except for hummus/avocado sandwiches and yogurt. I'm not sure but I think its just a habit because in the past cold food literally turned my lips blue and caused me to shiver for hours. Hmm. Note to self: Must try eating more cold foods and determine if heating-up business is ED-related or personal preference.

Afternoon snack: cottage cheese, more granola, and a heap of golden raisins.

Dinner: tofu, bulgur wheat with hummus, greenbeans, peas and olive oil. plus some broccoli with dressing.

Dinner dessert was a repeat of yesterday's, only I used blueberry spread instead of blackberry.

We already discussed my slight break-down after dinner. It took some long talks, tears and a few cigarettes (I know! bad Tori! One thing at a time....but I do intend on at least trying to cut down) but eventually felt calm enough to eat this for my snack before bed:

5-grain hot cereal, cinnamon, brown sugar, vanilla carmel coffee creamer, chopped apple, and cinnamon raisin PB. I think this is taking the place of pumpkin as my favorite. Perhaps pumpkin just seems really wintery, and now that its getting warmer, I don't feel like having it so much anymore? Could it be - thinking about what I and my body actually want instead of what ED says I can have? Oh my. Hooray for unnoticed progressions?

I suppose today wasn't truly a bad day. Just one of those days where I've been overly contemplative and insecure. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder how much longer this will last, how long will it be till I relapse again? I know in my heart I truly don't want that. But then again, I never wanted it any of the other times either. :sigh: I will not worry about that unless I have to. Because if I think about it, it will only be more likely to become a reality. I can hold onto this. I just have to tell myself that everyday for however long it takes for me to truly believe it, feel it and know it to be true.

OK. Well, I've certainly written enough for one day. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend.