Monday, April 20, 2009


Alright. I have to admit I was really, really tempted to celebrate the "holiday" today. I had several offers but the weather tonight is so horrible, I just don't feel like going out. Way too cold and rainy for me, even with the metabolic fire I'm currently running. It is probably not the only thing keeping me in right now though, and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
Today started off alright. I don't know why, but this morning, I woke up and I felt good about myself. Even the feelings about my "new body" (BTW not that anyone needs to know this but my boobs are consistently getting bigger. I'm excited. I fill an A-cup!Never done that before!) are becoming more positive. Well, sometimes anyways. So yeah. I felt good most of the day. I even dropped by my former high school to say hi to some of my old teachers. I had gone in with my mom one day to work during the summer while I was pretty much around my lowest-ever weight. And she always says how everyone is asking about me, so I figured "I feel really good today. I should go visit so they can really see how much better I am now." Oh man. It was a bit overwhelming. My English and art teachers kept hugging me and telling me how much better and more beautiful I looked, how proud of me they were, etc. Actually, one of my teachers told me I was living a miracle. Quite sweet of her. I suppose I, like many, tend to belittle my own struggles and think of it as just part of my life. Big deal. Sometimes I think telling other people about it, while difficult, helps me see how big of a deal it really is. Honestly though, the thing that made me happiest was seeing that two of my paintings were still hanging in the classroom, and several of my other pieces were in the display closet (I graduated in 2006. Stuff usually gets trashed after a year).
Then came me having some sort of weird panic/meltdown whilst planning out my meals. I guess ED decided yet again that I had been far too happy today and just decided to whiplash me. "No, you can't have any more calories at this meal than you did yesterday. Wait is that an extra gram of fat in your afternoon snack? No, move that extra hundred into breakfast, not dinner." RAWR. Eventually I just curled on my floor, crying because I couldn't take the pressure of it anymore. It made me so, so upset with myself though. I haven't worried about that sort of thing in weeks, maybe even months. I think perhaps my ED knows I'm moving further away from it so it just had to try to strike back in some way. :sigh: Its all better now, but I feel really embarrassed over how I let it get me so upset and frustrated. I wish I trusted myself to eat enough without planning.

Anyways. Here's today's lovely eats that were planned WITHOUT anorexia piddling about how many calories I was eating where and where.

Breakfast: The usual glass of juice and...bircher-muesli! 1/2 cup Familia muesli soaked overnight, then stirred into an Oikos Blueberry Greek yogurt in the AM with almonds, sliced banana, chopped apple and natural creamy peanut butter. This was really, really good. I love muesli with peanut butter, don't ask me why.

Oikos Review: I have had Chobani in blueberry flavor before and thought it was okay, but the Oikos is really much better I think. Definitely got more blueberries than I did making this with Chobani. And I think the yogurt had a creamier consistency too. Overall, for my blueberry Greek yogurts, I think I'll make the splurge for Oikos.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, golden raisins, crumbled cherry-pom nectar bar, drizzled with honey.

I actually ate lunch on my own today! Hooray. I had a roasted red pepper hummus and grated carrot sammich, finished off the last of the strawberries and I made myself a veggie parfait consisting of dressed tomatoes and green beans with cottage cheese.
Lunch dessert was a doozy. It felt a little challenging because I did it all on my own, but the pride I felt in myself after was totally worth it.

A full serving of G&B's mint filled dark chocolate. Really. This is good stuff.

Afternoon snack: Okay, so the picture really only is of half of my snack. I had a bowl of cottage cheese with granola and some almonds. My mom was putting the rush on me due to wanting to get to the grocery store before it rained. But I snuck a little picture anyways, just because I could.

Dinner: tuna and pea casserole made with whole wheat penne, WM ricotta, olive oil, sweet peas. Added some broccoli and Swiss chard for kicks.

My oats before bed were the same as yesterday - we have soo many apples that need using up. So I've been trying to have them before they go bad or something. Yep. Plus that and I really haven't been wanting pumpkin oats as much anymore, so I'm trying to honor that, even if my ED says they "safer" than having fruited oats. I've been having such a hard time knowing what it is that I'd like to eat lately (or forever) and its really becoming a frustration for me. But I suppose knowing what I don't want is the first step?
Does anyone else struggle with knowing what it is that they want? I'm sure loads of us do, but how do you/ did you learn to know what it was that you wanted or needed? I mean, I an barely pick out a pair of socks some mornings. It makes me wonder how on Earth I ever even finish a day's worth of planning. But really - I'm interested to know how others have overcome that particular issue.


  1. Congratulations for getting out and letting the world know you are there. It must be such an honor to be received like that by old teachers, as well as having your art still in the building! I'm so thankful you got those few hours of confidence, even if stupid ED butted in. The last thing you should be though is embarrassed about things like that, too. I once burst out in tears because my brother ate my planned lunch, and let it ruin half my day because I couldn't follow my plan!

    You've come way too far for ED to take over again. It'll try and try, but you're way too strong for that.

    Your foods look amazing.. especially breakfast. All your breakfasts look amazing. I love having a mixture of textures and tastes in one bowl like you always do.

    Take care!

    Much love, Rachel

  2. wow, i'd love to see some of your art. i'm glad they kept it up! that must have been really nice to see. you must be quite excellent for them not to throw it out. it sounds like your teachers think so, anyway :)
    don't be embarrassed tori. i think you expect yourself to be on top of everything all the time, and to be honest it's impossible. it is okay - it is MORE than okay - to have moments like that. it's nothing to berate yourself about. i'm really sorry for how bad you were feeling and i hope tomorrow is easier, but maybe try to stop putting so much pressure on yourself? i don't mean that is a bad way, i just think you expect too much of yourself. i know you know that recovery is a fairly long process. the seemingly small steps all will add up in time. i hope that one day you can eat without planning, like you want to, but getting to that stage might be gradual, it might take a while. that's okay, as long as you're still determined to get there. i believe in you. you are making progress all the time, despite setbacks that you face. you CAN do this.

    i am so happy for you about the chocolate. i know how hard it must have been. but there is proof of how far you've come - you probably wouldn't have been able to do that a year ago. i mean, i'll bet it was just as scary as ever, but you challenged yourself and did it even with that fear. i know the feelings of uncertainty and anxiety are so frustrating, but you have so much to be proud of, even the little things.

    i also have trouble with knowing what i want. hm, the only thing i could suggest would be something you've already found - figuring out what you don't want. or else maybe trying to find new things? (which is kind of nervous-making, but i guess can only be good for us).

    i think this has been a little long-winded. i'm sorry!
    don't lose heart. you are worth this.

  3. Haha tempted to celebrate the holiday...yup, you aren't the only one! It's really cool that you keep in touch with your teachers, it sounds like they care about you a lot and it's great to have that support! mmm chocolate! G&B is quite popular in the blogosphere!

  4. hey hun,
    try to write down all of the things that people at your school said to you and read it out loud to you when ED is tellin you not to stick to your meal plan. i know that every little thing they said about you is so so true and honest. you are a miracle! and you are strong enough to pull this through. so well done on sticking to your meal plan and for eating the choclate. and of course i noticed your dinner looks really good as well. all mixed together. you are making such amazing steps and its normal to get anxious but in those time you need to calm yourself and reassure yourself by reading such comments as your teachers and friends made about you.
    i believe in you so much tori. i know you can succeed against anorexia.
    and i know how you feel about not knowing what you want to eat. for me its that sometimes i do get a feeling for what i would like but others i really have no idea and i'm just better off with eating what i had planned.
    big hug

  5. I would absolutely love to see your artwork...I'm sure it is beyond fabulous.

    Great job switching things up against ED: sometimes a tactic I like to use when it seems "so wrong this way" is to say I'm "showing" ED that whatever he had locked into my head is incorrect. Not only are you proving to ED that he can't control you, but you prove to yourself that nothing *bad* will happen if you have a banana at lunch, move 100 calories, etc. Then it's a whole lot harder for ED to manipulate you, and it gets easier and easier to challenge and smash 'm.

  6. yay for acceptiong should be rewarded :)

  7. eee. just letting you know i didn't run away. i changed my name and didn't realise it would affect others' lists.
    and about your comment, i'm so glad i could help just a bit. YOU'RE the one who brightens MY day :)

  8. all i have to say right now is that i love you and if you're up for it, whenever we reach that ultimate healthy goal weight we're meeting up for a coffee, some booze and cigarettes and road tripping to somewhere, painting the world with our art.