Thursday, April 23, 2009

4/23

Today was fantastic.
Absolutely, entirely lovely.
A high school teacher I had, Mr. D., invited me to read poetry at the Poetry Fest they hold each year at my former high school today. I went. It felt amazing to be up there, reading my words again. I felt so proud. Kinda funny really, I ended up getting to read an extra poem because Mr. D wanted to end it with me reading. hehe. So many of the kids there came up to me after, telling me how great my writing was and asking if I'd come back to read at the weekly SpeakEasy sessions. Also, one of the boys insisted I had to come to the SLAM session they're holding soon. Yeah, huge confidence booster I have to say. My mom works at the school, and she was there. Apparently, several of the teachers who came to watch went up to her and said "You must be so proud of her, she is so talented." Oh man. I must have been beaming. It was really nice. Something my ED had taken away.
Here's some of what I read:

Stumbling down blackened stairs
Towards cement cellar floors
we scare and scar ourself again
with the stress and fracture of damaged ends and weakend frame
bring about your harshest conditions
I can bear it all.
I have taken all the weight of mine
Shed it, rebuilt it, and back again.
I have been undone
Naked and skeletal beneath the bright lights of hospital rooms
In the dead of a February winter.
I have been reformed, alive and well inside April's overcast skies
I have survived the wrath of self affliction,
And the falls of my own shield.
I can bear it all, as I have before
On shoulders born of bone and flesh
Walking on limbs made from the same stubborn and insolent fiber
Stumbling in the dark on this, my single staircase.
Up, up and down aggain. Always ups and downs.
I will find my way, through vulnerability and obstacle.
I will find the end.


And I also read this:
Easy as Sunday morning,
she's Venus with black dotted eyes and smiles of faded stars
Everyone draws her up real pretty, yeah
You make her real pretty now in lacy words
But I know the red sand and grit beneath dirty fingernails is collecting
She is streetlamps, oil stains and slick like a city torn by wealth versus beauty
Because numbers rip us all to shreads
Pulling out her hair, splitting ends to meet midway on dank corners
Hands shoved and balled fists into pocket
Farther out, glass windows sparkle uptown
Where the pockets are green and the wallets foam with billed seas
Flipping through sheets colored of algae, lets comb through the simple waves
Of envious smiles and posing arms.
Lets love the ease of a green lipped Titan
Against her, the bohemian venus of early morning.


Nothing about today's eats was particularly note-worthy, except for breakfast.

Breakfast was oatbran with vanilla soy shake, banana, about an ounce of almonds, and chocolate chips. Yum. I also had cottage cheese with orange marmalade, which I promplty mixed in after the chocolate chips were gone. ^.^

okay. So today started out great. And now I'm starting to feel absolutely miserable thanks to some of my friends. :sigh: Sometimes I wonder if I am damaged as a human being, and if it will ever be something I can fix. For the past several years of my life, ED has made all the calls. Now its not like that anymore and I feel at such a loss. Plus, after being on bedrest for nearly a year - I have become almost accustomed to the isolation. People do not understand how hard it is sometimes for me to go out. I don't know if its grown into agoraphobia, I hope not. Its more like I am unable to decide what I want anymore. And now I am so, so afraid of doing something wrong to upset my family. The guilt I feel for what I've put them through is more than I can express into words. And my friends do not understand this at all - that I feel like I owe them whatever it is that I have to do to give them peace of mind. I mean for fuck's sake my mother spent six months crying herself to sleep because she was convinced I was going to die during the night. How can I not feel like I owe them something for the hell I forced them to endure? I feel so selfish now for not ever seeing the pain I caused. I was too focused on destroying myself and punishing myself for the monster I felt was me. And now. Now I can't do anything that I might want to do because god forbid my parents didn't like it. And I abhor being like this, feeling this guilt that I can't seem to erase. I just don't know how to escape it.

Does anyone else feel guilty for their ED? How did you get past that?

9 comments:

  1. ugg i wrote you a novel of a comment and it got deleted!

    But the gist of it was first that I'm so excited that you got some manifestation of your gifts and talents! It sucks that ED has not only smothered so much of you, but also lies and tells you you are worthless.

    The other thing is in reference to your last paragraph, an important part of growing in life and in recovery is being okay with who YOU are and what you like. Regardless of the reason, you can't always be/do/say just what others want. This runs true regardless of if it's because you have had ED or not--it's just a fact. And actually it's ED sort of thinking that makes you think you have to make yourself do whatever makes other people satisfied, but ultimately that turns you into this sort of robot, not a real friend at all. So be true to yourself--it's okay to want to stay in or anything else--and by just being you, you will becomoe a better friend in the "realest" sense.

    ~Nell

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  2. I'm so happy for you about the poetry reading - your teachers are right, you are super talented.

    I too feel super guilty for my ED and the pain i've caused my family. I think though that part of the 'ed complex' is intensified feelings of guilt over EVERYTHING. I know you will grow as a person and you will become more comfortable with going out and being yourself. It takes time, and i'm here for you :-)

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  3. i've been following your blog for a while now and now that I have finally created one of my own, I just have to commend you on being such an incredibly strong, determined person. Your poetry is incredile and you should be SO proud of how amazing and motivational you are to so many. As Jemima just put it, I have too felt so guilty through this process. The shame is overbearing at times but we must remind ourselves that if we turn our lives around, then we can grant our loved ones with great happiness and relief. Keep being who you are, because that person seems to be an amazing one

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  4. glad to hear you enjoyed the reading!!
    what a nice experience! and a confidence booster is always a good thing! :)

    about your question: yes, i definitely feel guilty for my ED. mainly because i know it deprives me from going out with friends and i just can't exactely tell them why. "i just feel to fat" is not something they just understand easily and i can't always explain it. but like jemima sayd, i gerenally feel guilty about a lot of things and i think this is thanks to ED so i really hope those feelings will get less and lesser and maybe even vanish someday completely.
    stay strong and keep going! your doing the right thing and inspire more than just me! love 'the swiss-girl' :)

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  5. Please don't feel guilty for what your family has gone through because of your ED. I feel that way a lot of the time, but it doesn't help ANYONE and we can't undo the past. All we can do now is continue recovering, and be kind to ourselves and others! I'm sorry it's hard for you to decide what you want, and hard to go out and be social, but I hope you continue to try! I'm REALLY proud of you for reading your poetry, that is awesome! It must have felt really great to get such positive feedback, you are very talented indeed!

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  6. hey hun,
    i would really love to say something to you about the guilt issue but i would prefer to write it in an email. would you post your email on my blog so i can send you some words? hope that's fine with you.
    i loved your poem and yes your mum can be so proud of you but most importantly you should be proud of yourself. you are doing great hun so keep fighting.
    xxx

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  7. i am so glad you had a good day. and it's wonderful you are getting the recognition you deserve!!

    the extreme guilt is something i can relate to. but i guess i know we have to accept that what's done is done. we may wish we'd done things differently, but the only thing we can change is what we're doing right now. okay, your family has been hurt because of your ED, but, just as much as you need to stop letting anorexia rule your life, you also need to stop letting the guilt rule it. you have come so damn far that despite the pain your family has felt/feels due to your ED, i KNOW that they are proud of you. they are proud of you because you're so talented and so lovely, but also because of how much effort you've put into recovery. as for getting past the guilt... i think that will come with time. there will probably always be some, and we'll always regret the pain we've caused the people we love, but too much dwelling on the past can stop you moving forward. while your family are still very worried about you, there is no denying that you've brought yourself up a long way from the lowest time in your life, and have changed for the better because of the obstacles you've overcome. we can't ignore the actions we've taken which hurt others, that's true, and i know exactly how you feel with the guilt - absolute self-loathing, i know. but i don't think it helps to let those previous actions influence every moment of the rest of our lives. of course, it's easier said than done, but your family will love you no matter what, and all they want is the best for you.
    your writing is beautiful, so are you, and i hope you feel a little better tomorrow. <3 i apologise for the convoluted comment. and thank you so, so much for yours. you will probably never know how much i appreciate you.
    erin

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  8. Not guilty so much as sad about the things I've missed out on. So much time wasted when I could have been spending it with friends, family, developing other interests, etc....

    As for now...I try to forgive and move on. Because focusing on it is just more wasted time....

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