Today was fantastic.
Absolutely, entirely lovely.
A high school teacher I had, Mr. D., invited me to read poetry at the Poetry Fest they hold each year at my former high school today. I went. It felt amazing to be up there, reading my words again. I felt so proud. Kinda funny really, I ended up getting to read an extra poem because Mr. D wanted to end it with me reading. hehe. So many of the kids there came up to me after, telling me how great my writing was and asking if I'd come back to read at the weekly SpeakEasy sessions. Also, one of the boys insisted I had to come to the SLAM session they're holding soon. Yeah, huge confidence booster I have to say. My mom works at the school, and she was there. Apparently, several of the teachers who came to watch went up to her and said "You must be so proud of her, she is so talented." Oh man. I must have been beaming. It was really nice. Something my ED had taken away.
Here's some of what I read:
Stumbling down blackened stairs
Towards cement cellar floors
we scare and scar ourself again
with the stress and fracture of damaged ends and weakend frame
bring about your harshest conditions
I can bear it all.
I have taken all the weight of mine
Shed it, rebuilt it, and back again.
I have been undone
Naked and skeletal beneath the bright lights of hospital rooms
In the dead of a February winter.
I have been reformed, alive and well inside April's overcast skies
I have survived the wrath of self affliction,
And the falls of my own shield.
I can bear it all, as I have before
On shoulders born of bone and flesh
Walking on limbs made from the same stubborn and insolent fiber
Stumbling in the dark on this, my single staircase.
Up, up and down aggain. Always ups and downs.
I will find my way, through vulnerability and obstacle.
I will find the end.
And I also read this:
Easy as Sunday morning,
she's Venus with black dotted eyes and smiles of faded stars
Everyone draws her up real pretty, yeah
You make her real pretty now in lacy words
But I know the red sand and grit beneath dirty fingernails is collecting
She is streetlamps, oil stains and slick like a city torn by wealth versus beauty
Because numbers rip us all to shreads
Pulling out her hair, splitting ends to meet midway on dank corners
Hands shoved and balled fists into pocket
Farther out, glass windows sparkle uptown
Where the pockets are green and the wallets foam with billed seas
Flipping through sheets colored of algae, lets comb through the simple waves
Of envious smiles and posing arms.
Lets love the ease of a green lipped Titan
Against her, the bohemian venus of early morning.
Nothing about today's eats was particularly note-worthy, except for breakfast.
Breakfast was oatbran with vanilla soy shake, banana, about an ounce of almonds, and chocolate chips. Yum. I also had cottage cheese with orange marmalade, which I promplty mixed in after the chocolate chips were gone. ^.^
okay. So today started out great. And now I'm starting to feel absolutely miserable thanks to some of my friends. :sigh: Sometimes I wonder if I am damaged as a human being, and if it will ever be something I can fix. For the past several years of my life, ED has made all the calls. Now its not like that anymore and I feel at such a loss. Plus, after being on bedrest for nearly a year - I have become almost accustomed to the isolation. People do not understand how hard it is sometimes for me to go out. I don't know if its grown into agoraphobia, I hope not. Its more like I am unable to decide what I want anymore. And now I am so, so afraid of doing something wrong to upset my family. The guilt I feel for what I've put them through is more than I can express into words. And my friends do not understand this at all - that I feel like I owe them whatever it is that I have to do to give them peace of mind. I mean for fuck's sake my mother spent six months crying herself to sleep because she was convinced I was going to die during the night. How can I not feel like I owe them something for the hell I forced them to endure? I feel so selfish now for not ever seeing the pain I caused. I was too focused on destroying myself and punishing myself for the monster I felt was me. And now. Now I can't do anything that I might want to do because god forbid my parents didn't like it. And I abhor being like this, feeling this guilt that I can't seem to erase. I just don't know how to escape it.
Does anyone else feel guilty for their ED? How did you get past that?
5 weeks ago