Did I not wish for sunshine yesterday? Well, today I got it. It was beautiful outside today, and I loved every minute.
I had a huge challenge this morning, but first...I have a rather....uncleanly confession to make girls. You see, I have been wearing the same pair of skinny jeans for the past three months...without washing them ::cringes:: I know! I know! That's beyond grunge. Anorexia had me convinced that by not wearing my skinny jeans - it must mean that I was no longer "skinny", that if I didn't wear them, it must have been because they no longer fit and "we just couldn't have that"never entertaining the idea that perhaps they needed to be washed at some point). On top of that, I was also terrified of that "just-washed-and dried" cling that jeans get. But after my walk in the torrential rain yesterday - I knew that I could not wear those jeans today, they were/are semi-encrusted with sand and mud. So I put on a pair that I had not worn in months. And honestly, I felt much, much better about myself wearing a pair of clean straight-legged jeans than I ever did wearing those dirty skinnies. Even though my skinnies still fit me, look good (they would look better if they didn't sag, I'll admit) and are comfortable - I think I am going to give them to Goodwill. I feel like they represent my eating disorder far too much - they are anorexia's clothing. I don't want to have that kind of stigma in the back of my mind when I am wearing clothing, I just want to wear what I like. Even if I do like skinny jeans - its just too easy for my ED to focus in on the "skinny" part and blow it way out of context (thus the "if you aren't wearing skinnies, you must not be skinny anymore" thought) and I really don't need that.
Breakfast went swimmingly well, after my immense decision to wear different jeans and feeling GOOD in them.
1/2 c. oatbran cooked in a cup of Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai Latte, sliced banana, cinnamon, ground flax, 1/4 cup each raisins and trail mix plus a few extra almonds. Also had cottage cheese with orange marmalade and a glass of plum juice. I love using trail mix on my oatbran - there's always just a few chocolate chips in there so its a nice occasional treat that's not too overwhelming first thing in the morning.
Morning snack: Fage 2%, raisins, granola, honey. Unpictured was a slice of toast that I drizzled honey on and smeared with some Fage.
Lunch was roasted red pepper hummus with sliced apple on sprouted grain bread, wth the rest of the apple, green beans/cucumber/tomato/cottage cheese alongside. Also had an apple juice box and a Dark Chocolate Walnute nectar bar for dessert. looove that flavor warmed in the microwave.
After lunch today - I did something else I'm really proud of. I went grocery shopping by myself and did not have a panic attack whilst trying to pick out fruit. It was not that long ago that I remember standing there at the display of apples, bananas, whatever - agonizing over which ones were "best". Today, I didn't do that. I admit, I did put one or two bunches of bananas back because I realized they were way too small for my purposes. But I didn't stand there for ten minutes trying to determine what was "best" or whatever. I didn't worry about anything. I felt good, because everyone I had encountered in my little "journey" this afternoon was incredibly kind to me. Stopped for gas - the attendent came out and he washed all my windows and both of my windshields for me while I was waiting for my tank to fill (they do not usually do that). And when I was picking up my yogurts, they were re-stocking them so the guys gave me some brand new-straight-from-the-box ones haha. It was surprising to say the least - to have people be so randomly friendly. I suppose that when you are in a better place, people pick up on that and respond to it.
Afternoon snack: vanilla chobani, ground flax, chocolate chips, golden raisins.
As you can probably guess - I had therapy this afternoon so my snack was travel-ready. Quite good though. Therapy went really, really well. My therapist keeps saying how amazed he is by the amount of progress I have made in these few months, and how happy he is for me. We are still working on my self worth and acceptance of course, but he is really pleased with my ability to be aware of my eating disordered thoughts and the fact that I am finally learning to seperate myself from my eating disorder. For the longest, longest time I felt so intertwined and connected to anorexia - I felt like it was all I had, all that I was, and all that I ever could be. I didn't even believe there was a "me" inside anymore, I felt hollow, blank and washed out - like any traces of myself had been erased by anorexia and replaced with its touch. But I am learning that is not true. No matter how bad its gotten, there is always a fingerprint. There is always still the lingering part of you there, inside, waiting for the light to shine and permit growth. All you have to do is turn on the switch. After living in the shadows of an eating disorder for so long, I have had to consciously remind myself to do that - to think of all the things that make me who I am, and not just the things that anorexia makes me. Its hard at first, and it still is difficult at times - I do make an effort almost every day to think about those things. But I have found that while at first it felt very, very unnatural and uncomfortable, it has gotten easier to do over time. Still a bit forced, but getting there.
Dinner: 1/2 an acorn squash cooked with a pinch of cinnamon, stuffed with tofu and some peas. The rest of the peas were on the side and filled in as needed haha. Also there is broccoli and spinach drizzled with olive oil and a glass of vanilla soymilk.
I have never tried acorn squash before, but this was realy quite good, definitly something I'll have again.
I forgot to take a picture of my dinner dessert, but it was cinnamon toast with a good smearing of natural PB and blueberry preserves.
Snack before bed was pumpkin oats again ^.^ Really, always a favorite. I think I may have had raisins way too many times today...but its hard not to when they pack so much into such a little portion. Plus they are one of my favorite dried fruits. :shrugs: Oh well.
I think I am going to speak at the unLearn assembly next month. I am hoping that I will be able to shed some knowledge, maybe help someone else who might be struggling be able to reach out and get help before it goes on too long. Who knows - maybe it will be therapuetic for me and help me heal a bit too.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago