Tuesday, April 7, 2009


Did I not wish for sunshine yesterday? Well, today I got it. It was beautiful outside today, and I loved every minute.
I had a huge challenge this morning, but first...I have a rather....uncleanly confession to make girls. You see, I have been wearing the same pair of skinny jeans for the past three months...without washing them ::cringes:: I know! I know! That's beyond grunge. Anorexia had me convinced that by not wearing my skinny jeans - it must mean that I was no longer "skinny", that if I didn't wear them, it must have been because they no longer fit and "we just couldn't have that"never entertaining the idea that perhaps they needed to be washed at some point). On top of that, I was also terrified of that "just-washed-and dried" cling that jeans get. But after my walk in the torrential rain yesterday - I knew that I could not wear those jeans today, they were/are semi-encrusted with sand and mud. So I put on a pair that I had not worn in months. And honestly, I felt much, much better about myself wearing a pair of clean straight-legged jeans than I ever did wearing those dirty skinnies. Even though my skinnies still fit me, look good (they would look better if they didn't sag, I'll admit) and are comfortable - I think I am going to give them to Goodwill. I feel like they represent my eating disorder far too much - they are anorexia's clothing. I don't want to have that kind of stigma in the back of my mind when I am wearing clothing, I just want to wear what I like. Even if I do like skinny jeans - its just too easy for my ED to focus in on the "skinny" part and blow it way out of context (thus the "if you aren't wearing skinnies, you must not be skinny anymore" thought) and I really don't need that.

Breakfast went swimmingly well, after my immense decision to wear different jeans and feeling GOOD in them.

1/2 c. oatbran cooked in a cup of Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai Latte, sliced banana, cinnamon, ground flax, 1/4 cup each raisins and trail mix plus a few extra almonds. Also had cottage cheese with orange marmalade and a glass of plum juice. I love using trail mix on my oatbran - there's always just a few chocolate chips in there so its a nice occasional treat that's not too overwhelming first thing in the morning.

Morning snack: Fage 2%, raisins, granola, honey. Unpictured was a slice of toast that I drizzled honey on and smeared with some Fage.

Lunch was roasted red pepper hummus with sliced apple on sprouted grain bread, wth the rest of the apple, green beans/cucumber/tomato/cottage cheese alongside. Also had an apple juice box and a Dark Chocolate Walnute nectar bar for dessert. looove that flavor warmed in the microwave.

After lunch today - I did something else I'm really proud of. I went grocery shopping by myself and did not have a panic attack whilst trying to pick out fruit. It was not that long ago that I remember standing there at the display of apples, bananas, whatever - agonizing over which ones were "best". Today, I didn't do that. I admit, I did put one or two bunches of bananas back because I realized they were way too small for my purposes. But I didn't stand there for ten minutes trying to determine what was "best" or whatever. I didn't worry about anything. I felt good, because everyone I had encountered in my little "journey" this afternoon was incredibly kind to me. Stopped for gas - the attendent came out and he washed all my windows and both of my windshields for me while I was waiting for my tank to fill (they do not usually do that). And when I was picking up my yogurts, they were re-stocking them so the guys gave me some brand new-straight-from-the-box ones haha. It was surprising to say the least - to have people be so randomly friendly. I suppose that when you are in a better place, people pick up on that and respond to it.

Afternoon snack: vanilla chobani, ground flax, chocolate chips, golden raisins.
As you can probably guess - I had therapy this afternoon so my snack was travel-ready. Quite good though. Therapy went really, really well. My therapist keeps saying how amazed he is by the amount of progress I have made in these few months, and how happy he is for me. We are still working on my self worth and acceptance of course, but he is really pleased with my ability to be aware of my eating disordered thoughts and the fact that I am finally learning to seperate myself from my eating disorder. For the longest, longest time I felt so intertwined and connected to anorexia - I felt like it was all I had, all that I was, and all that I ever could be. I didn't even believe there was a "me" inside anymore, I felt hollow, blank and washed out - like any traces of myself had been erased by anorexia and replaced with its touch. But I am learning that is not true. No matter how bad its gotten, there is always a fingerprint. There is always still the lingering part of you there, inside, waiting for the light to shine and permit growth. All you have to do is turn on the switch. After living in the shadows of an eating disorder for so long, I have had to consciously remind myself to do that - to think of all the things that make me who I am, and not just the things that anorexia makes me. Its hard at first, and it still is difficult at times - I do make an effort almost every day to think about those things. But I have found that while at first it felt very, very unnatural and uncomfortable, it has gotten easier to do over time. Still a bit forced, but getting there.

Dinner: 1/2 an acorn squash cooked with a pinch of cinnamon, stuffed with tofu and some peas. The rest of the peas were on the side and filled in as needed haha. Also there is broccoli and spinach drizzled with olive oil and a glass of vanilla soymilk.
I have never tried acorn squash before, but this was realy quite good, definitly something I'll have again.
I forgot to take a picture of my dinner dessert, but it was cinnamon toast with a good smearing of natural PB and blueberry preserves.

Snack before bed was pumpkin oats again ^.^ Really, always a favorite. I think I may have had raisins way too many times today...but its hard not to when they pack so much into such a little portion. Plus they are one of my favorite dried fruits. :shrugs: Oh well.

I think I am going to speak at the unLearn assembly next month. I am hoping that I will be able to shed some knowledge, maybe help someone else who might be struggling be able to reach out and get help before it goes on too long. Who knows - maybe it will be therapuetic for me and help me heal a bit too.


  1. You're adorable and thank you for your insightful message on my post tonight. It gave me so much hope--I really appreciate it, girl. You are so kind.

    <3 amy

  2. tori i'm so happy for you, it's so good to hear your positivity even though i know how hard this all is. awesome job at the supermarket too and i can totally relate to the whole skinny jeans situation- i got rid of all mine when i got home from treatment because they definitely were such a symbol of my lowest point because they were the only things that fit. your posts are really comforting to me lately just to let you know, and i'm really proud of you.

  3. Your posts always strike a chord with me.
    I spent the last hour or so debating whether to have the yogurt I'm craving, even though I already had two large snacks tonight...but after reading this and hearing that your therapist was proud of you for coming so far, I said to myself "I want that! I want someone to tell me that!" So I grabbed the yogurt =]
    Thanks girl...for everything! And you're doing AMAZING!!! I'm completely and utterly proud of you, and I have only "known" you for what? A week or so?!

    <3 Laura

  4. Congrats on identifying ED vs you! That really is the "key" to breaking free. What I've realized is that knowing is what gives you the key, and doing is what turns the key and breaks the change. Like you said, it takes a conscious effort to act on what you "know" is the non-ED thing--but once you have that key you CAN turn it. ED just tries reeeeeeeally hard to keep you from doing that, because once you break out and experience what's out there he doesn't stand much chance to trick you that his chains are "safer."

    And I'm totally about a wardrobe overhaul. It's tough in this inbetween phase where you are gettin gto a point where you might outgrow your "lowest weight" clothes, but far, far from needing "healthy" clothes.

    Just keep in mind that clothes that fit your skeleton symbolize the tortuous death in ED. A radiating, shining, thriving, thin-but-beatiful 5'9" girl needs clothes that go with LIFE, not the skeleton of death.

  5. i seriously.. i don't know how to explain how much it means to me that you keep reading and take the time to talk to me. let alone with such kindness >_< i just want to HUG you girl.

    yay for changing your jeans! it just goes to show how much anorexia infiltrates lives...there's so many little things, from what spoon you use (not you, just in general) to the clothes you might wear.. all the little things that symbolise the ED, seemingly trivial but so hard to separate from. even though it is really difficult, changing those jeans means so much more than just changing them. it's such a positive thing that you're recognising what things trigger the ED thoughts and working to change them.

    totally don't feel bad about the raisins - you need them, and if you like them, all the better :)
    hmm. i'm a huge pumpkin fan and as i've said i love oats, but i've never had them together. i may have to try it.

    keep on going tori. you are so much more than your ED; you're fighting so hard, and deserve to have a sense of who you are as a person without anorexia. i hope you can find that soon.


  6. i think you're doing an amazing job with your foodies girl :) and yes, we don't have to wear skinny jeans all the time, sometimes it feels good to change and that's good for us, for our spirit, for our mind! keep doing the great job sweetie :)

    love <3

  7. Woohoo! I think it's great you're dumping those skinny jeans that represent your ED. I'm glad your therapy went really well today, I really like your fingerprint metaphor...I have a hard time separating myself from my ED too, but what you wrote about thinking about all the things that make YOU is so true.

  8. wow tori,
    i was so happy to read what you said today :)
    well done on all the progres.those are some really big steps you took. trust me those pants do not belong to tori! they are much better given to someone who fits in them being healthy. when you feel good in your skin you should buy yourself something for this :) its probably best not to buy something that you can grow out of :).
    and your therapist is so right. you have made some amazing steps and i know you can make it. you have an amazing courage and strength.
    so so proud of you

  9. i am so proud of you for recognizing that those skinny jeans should be put away. i know how attached you can get to a certain item of clothing that you associate with being in an anorexic body, all my clothes from last summer pretty much are going to be very triggering.
    love all your eats, hummus and apple, i need to try this i love all your sammies and you introduced me to avocado and apple YUM, well keep up all the great work. you are a star!

  10. yummy and nourishing eats as always:)

    i understand how hard a pair of skinny jeans can be..it can be so triggering..but the bst thing to do is give them up. i must do the same.

    i must thank you for all your comments on my blog. you are amazing and your words truly help and inspire me alot..you are greatly appreciated and loved:)

  11. I'm amazed by the amount of progress you've made, too! I'm glad you were able to separate your ED from you, with those jeans. I still sort of have the same fear, that if I wash and dry these jeans they'll be too clingy. Therefore I am fat. Clothes like that really represent the worst of ED so it's great that you're getting rid of the jeans. Now there will be more room for the real Tori!

    I hope that someday, you'll see all of the things that make you so wonderful, without ED's shadow hanging over you! Great eats today, much love!