Today it rained. Quite a bit in fact. I took a stroll in the downpour, got entirely drenched to the point where my jeans were falling off of me as I came trudging back up my street. I must have looked a little nutty - twenty years old, walking in the rain without an umbrella and occasionally jumping into puddles for the joyous sound of splash. But it was fun. I felt free.
I did a lot of thinking today. My old high school teachers suggested I come in and do a talk at unLearn. It is a program/literay magazine that my former school runs each year - dealing with the "tough stuff" and how to overcome it. The assembly part of it is essntially a "This is what happened to me and this is how it fucked up my life. Try not to make my mistakes." type of thing. I think I am going to do it. I am a bit scared, as many of the kids that are seniors now were there when I was a senior. And apparently, I was widely known as "the anorexic girl". Actually, I was the anorexic girl with a magenta pixie cut. That's beside the point. I am just a little nervous about all those kids I know, who are my friends younger siblings, seeing me up there talking about it. I don't quite know exactly what to say. There are so many words, though I'm sure once on stage, they would jsut flow naturally. I'm still not sure where to start - from the very begining at age 11, or when it became noticably severe? or how much detail to disclose as to what anorexia can do to a person, and steal from them. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well - I firmly believe that the lack of self worth I felt (and still feel) has caused me to do a lot of things that someone who loved themselves more probably wouldn't do. At least I am growing from it though, right? Right.
Despite all my confusion lately, and rather conflicting thoughts about myself, I have been staying entirely on track with what I need to eat. I keep telling myself "today I will stretch my calories out more evenly." But its hard. I have a tendency to front-load everything into breakfast, so I don't have to eat *quite* as much later in the day. It's been working for me - since I eat breakfast at 6:30, its the farthest from any other meal - so I don't really know if I should bother with redistribution of calories at this point. Everything else has a pretty good pattern of 450-650-350-650-350/400. So having a 1200ish breakfast really does kind of end up working for me. I'm not sure if its just anorexia insisting I can't eat more later in the day (I know its at least partly that) or if its also because it just seems to work better for me?
Well. here's today's incredible bowl.
Breakfast: 1 cup Kashi Autumn Wheat, 1/4 cup Bear Naked granola, small handful almonds,sliced banana, 1/4 cup chopped dried figs, crumbled cherry pomegranate bar, and about 6oz Vanilla Chai Protein shake - nuked in the microwave. This was a first for me, and I have to say it was quite good. Also had cottage cheese with ground flax and strawberries, and a glass of plum juice alongside.
AM Snack. I have graduated to all morning snacks being eaten alone. I'm so very happy about this, so I've been making double-sure that I do well with it. I don't want to slip back and lose that long-awaited priveledge.
In the mix: Fage 2%, trail mix, chopped apple, honey, ground flax. Unpictured apple juice box.
On to lunch...
Sandwhich: crunchy PB and blueberry preserves on sprouted grain bread. cucumber, tomato, green beans with cottage cheese. I've not had blueberry preserves in AGES. I forgot how much I liked them.
Lunch dessert...oh what a big one this was...
Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that it says "Taste of Victory" on the wrapper? Story behind the candy: After trying dark chocolate, my mom recalled how I always used to love peppermint patties as a little kid. So she bought me one. A peppermint pattie is slightly different than a dark chocolate bar - it feels more like real candy. So this was a wee bit of a challenge. But for real - sitting at the table eating this, I felt like I was six years old again, in a good way. It won't be a regular occurance - but I'm glad I proved to myself than I can do it.
Afternoon snack: vanilla Chobani, Bear Naked granola, raisins.
Alrighty. After having Oikos for two days in a row - I am prepared to say that there is a difference. I think the Oikos yogurt truly is thicker and a bit creamier in consistency as opposed to Chobani. I think the Chobani might have a slightly more sweetened taste to it as well. To me, the Oikos definitly does taste more natural. I have to say, I think I liked it better as compared to Chobani. I still can't wait to try the other flavors of the Oikos. Hopefully I'll find 'em soon so I can do a further . review. Also,I cannot say thank you enough to the lovely Kristina from Oikos! The coupons she sent me were great and have been/will be a big help to me, as I am currently rather expensive to feed. The family joke is that I am eating for two.
Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus and olive oil (I mixed in some of my broccoli too! Yay.) Mock-tuna salad (mixed with peas!). Glass of chocolate soymilk. I also had cinnamon toast with Nutella, but that missed getting photo'd due to me being distracted.
And because today was a long day, I ended it with a note of comfort.
Pumpkin oats with brown sugar/cinnamon, cinnamon roll coffee creamer,raisins and cinnamon swirl PB.
While I do enjoy a good walk in the rain on occasion, I sincerely hope tomorrow brings some sunshine. For everyone.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago