Monday, April 6, 2009

And its Monday.

Today it rained. Quite a bit in fact. I took a stroll in the downpour, got entirely drenched to the point where my jeans were falling off of me as I came trudging back up my street. I must have looked a little nutty - twenty years old, walking in the rain without an umbrella and occasionally jumping into puddles for the joyous sound of splash. But it was fun. I felt free.
I did a lot of thinking today. My old high school teachers suggested I come in and do a talk at unLearn. It is a program/literay magazine that my former school runs each year - dealing with the "tough stuff" and how to overcome it. The assembly part of it is essntially a "This is what happened to me and this is how it fucked up my life. Try not to make my mistakes." type of thing. I think I am going to do it. I am a bit scared, as many of the kids that are seniors now were there when I was a senior. And apparently, I was widely known as "the anorexic girl". Actually, I was the anorexic girl with a magenta pixie cut. That's beside the point. I am just a little nervous about all those kids I know, who are my friends younger siblings, seeing me up there talking about it. I don't quite know exactly what to say. There are so many words, though I'm sure once on stage, they would jsut flow naturally. I'm still not sure where to start - from the very begining at age 11, or when it became noticably severe? or how much detail to disclose as to what anorexia can do to a person, and steal from them. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well - I firmly believe that the lack of self worth I felt (and still feel) has caused me to do a lot of things that someone who loved themselves more probably wouldn't do. At least I am growing from it though, right? Right.
Despite all my confusion lately, and rather conflicting thoughts about myself, I have been staying entirely on track with what I need to eat. I keep telling myself "today I will stretch my calories out more evenly." But its hard. I have a tendency to front-load everything into breakfast, so I don't have to eat *quite* as much later in the day. It's been working for me - since I eat breakfast at 6:30, its the farthest from any other meal - so I don't really know if I should bother with redistribution of calories at this point. Everything else has a pretty good pattern of 450-650-350-650-350/400. So having a 1200ish breakfast really does kind of end up working for me. I'm not sure if its just anorexia insisting I can't eat more later in the day (I know its at least partly that) or if its also because it just seems to work better for me?

Well. here's today's incredible bowl.

Breakfast: 1 cup Kashi Autumn Wheat, 1/4 cup Bear Naked granola, small handful almonds,sliced banana, 1/4 cup chopped dried figs, crumbled cherry pomegranate bar, and about 6oz Vanilla Chai Protein shake - nuked in the microwave. This was a first for me, and I have to say it was quite good. Also had cottage cheese with ground flax and strawberries, and a glass of plum juice alongside.

AM Snack. I have graduated to all morning snacks being eaten alone. I'm so very happy about this, so I've been making double-sure that I do well with it. I don't want to slip back and lose that long-awaited priveledge.

In the mix: Fage 2%, trail mix, chopped apple, honey, ground flax. Unpictured apple juice box.

On to lunch...

Sandwhich: crunchy PB and blueberry preserves on sprouted grain bread. cucumber, tomato, green beans with cottage cheese. I've not had blueberry preserves in AGES. I forgot how much I liked them.
Lunch dessert...oh what a big one this was...

Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that it says "Taste of Victory" on the wrapper? Story behind the candy: After trying dark chocolate, my mom recalled how I always used to love peppermint patties as a little kid. So she bought me one. A peppermint pattie is slightly different than a dark chocolate bar - it feels more like real candy. So this was a wee bit of a challenge. But for real - sitting at the table eating this, I felt like I was six years old again, in a good way. It won't be a regular occurance - but I'm glad I proved to myself than I can do it.

Afternoon snack: vanilla Chobani, Bear Naked granola, raisins.
Alrighty. After having Oikos for two days in a row - I am prepared to say that there is a difference. I think the Oikos yogurt truly is thicker and a bit creamier in consistency as opposed to Chobani. I think the Chobani might have a slightly more sweetened taste to it as well. To me, the Oikos definitly does taste more natural. I have to say, I think I liked it better as compared to Chobani. I still can't wait to try the other flavors of the Oikos. Hopefully I'll find 'em soon so I can do a further . review. Also,I cannot say thank you enough to the lovely Kristina from Oikos! The coupons she sent me were great and have been/will be a big help to me, as I am currently rather expensive to feed. The family joke is that I am eating for two.


Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus and olive oil (I mixed in some of my broccoli too! Yay.) Mock-tuna salad (mixed with peas!). Glass of chocolate soymilk. I also had cinnamon toast with Nutella, but that missed getting photo'd due to me being distracted.

And because today was a long day, I ended it with a note of comfort.

Pumpkin oats with brown sugar/cinnamon, cinnamon roll coffee creamer,raisins and cinnamon swirl PB.

While I do enjoy a good walk in the rain on occasion, I sincerely hope tomorrow brings some sunshine. For everyone.


  1. thankyou so much. your comment kinda made me tear up <3
    doing things like your walk in the rain is always good. i think the nuttiness factor aids in the fun!
    speaking at the program thing would probably be hard.. but maybe it would help other people starting to go through the same thing to seek help. maybe it would help you too. but the question is whether the benefits of sharing your story would be outweighed by the difficulty of doing so in front of a lot of people who know you. hmm.
    by the way, a magenta pixie-cut is on a level of awesomeness that most hair cannot reach. i love it :D
    it's wonderful that you're staying to your meal plan. it truly is. you're so tough, girl. i know you're unsure of yourself sometimes, and you don't see how much you're worth. but you inspire each and every one of the people who read your blog. i hope you do the talk if you feel comfortable. i think you could inspire those kids too :)
    congratulations for the peppermint pattie! it's great you're still challenging yourself, and rising to the challenges. i'm aiming to have some chocolate today and i'll think of you. thankyou again for everything. you're like a never-ending source of tolerance with me and my complaining, haha. it's true.
    you can do this. i believe in you!!

  2. Hooray for splashing in puddles and walking in the rain. It feels so good to reconnect with our "inner child" and just act uninhibited - regardless of how crazy it might make us look to others. It sounds like the opportunity to speak at unLearn has the potential to be a great experience. I'm sure it could feel a little overwhelming, but sharing your story with that many people is such a strong and courageous thing to do, and I'm sure it could profoundly impact other students who are currently struggling with eating issues.
    The magenta pixie haircut sounds fearless; it takes a truly unique spirit to pull that off successfully and I'm sure you rocked it.
    Congrats on the Peppermint Patty - and I love the message on the wrapper - it's so fitting.
    Have a great night.

  3. Hooray for rainy day walks! When I was really young (about 3) I used to put on a raincoat whenever it rained, find the biggest puddle I could, and roll in it. I think I'd seen Winnie The Pooh do something similar on TV and the idea just stuck... I still sort of want to haha!

    Congratulations on everything you've overcome so far, esp. the York patty. It's so lovely to eat childhood favourites - I'm a firm believer that taste more than any other sense can transport us back in time.

    I think you should (if you feel up to it) go for this talk thing. It sounds like an incredible opportunity to spread some awareness - and you're so eloquent and smart and funny I'm sure you'd do a fantastic job. It'd be an incredibly brave thing to do. <3

    Thank you so much for all your support - it honestly helps me so much. Yesterday when I sat down to snack I actually found myself thinking 'Tori's doing it too, Tori's doing it too,' - it's so nice not to feel alone :')

  4. i used to love york peppermint patties mint and chocolate is my favorite!
    the rainy walk sounds so fun i love the rain it so relaxing especially when im sleeping.
    that sounds great that you will talk at the high school, im sure it will go great and is going to be a great opportunity to spread awareness. good luck,
    i think you are so amazing! and i am so amazed with how strong you are and intelligent.
    lots of love

  5. Magenta pixie cut? So awesome! The unLearning program sounds really interesting, I think it's great that you could help some high school kids who might be struggling with an ED or who know someone who is. I'm glad the peppermint patty brought back some positive memories! It's all about creating happy associations with food that will help you recover...hope you have a great day tomorrow!

  6. I love walking in the rain! I have some awesome rainboots, I should've gone out yesterday. Glad you're staying on track with your meal plan, too. Good job with the peppermint pattie! No harm in having a childhood favorite every once in a while, right?

    I think, if you feel brave enough, you should do the unlearning thing. Like everyone else has said, you could really spread some awareness. If you're anything close to how you are on your blog in real life, high schoolers will pay attention to you a lot more than they would a doctor/psychologist.

    Enjoy your Tuesday! Much love

  7. Hm.
    Way to go with the Peppermint Patty. They used to be one of my favorites too. (^_^)
    Walking in the rain is nice. But I only like it when I'm not freezing cold. (ha)
    Yummy foods too.
    I think it would be pretty cool if you went back and talked to the students. There are so many misconceptions about this disease, maybe you can help them see it differently.
    Whatever you feel is best for you is what you should do.
    Have a lovely rest of your day!