Monday, April 27, 2009

Apparently, its truly Manic Monday.

Today has been...well its been a good day for the most part. The amount of stress I'm feeling is creating some rather intense stomach pains, but its a good day otherwise. I went to the gym to do my strength training, and it truly has been boosting my mood and making me feel better about myself. I still really need to get a job. Even volunteering is hard to find around here - where I live people do not exactly offer helping hands that much. I'm getting anxious for the summer sessions at the community college to start so I can get my butt in gear and catch myself up at least somewhat.
The down side of this day is that there are seriously way too many guys interested in me. One of my friends is talking about moving back east so he can be with me. Another wants me to come down to Florida to visit/stay since he just moved there. And there's the guys who are actually in state. Another thing complicating all of this is one of my friends. We have an interesting relationship - kinda friends with benefits. He kissed me yesterday, left a rather enormous mark on my neck as well. My mind says "Doesn't mean anything." This is probably too much detail - but its been a while since kissing was involved with things, and defintely hasn't kissed me goodbye since we dated oh-so-long ago, and it totally threw me off. Not a bad thing really, but its weird when I think about other things, both from the past, or even like on my way out, being yours truly - I tripped over something and he's right there making sure I'm alright. I don't know, it just seems out of character I guess? Its not like I've never tripped before. :sigh: I hate how I notice all these little things all the time - it makes me crazy. I believe this kind of thing is definitely where my ED stunted my growth as an adolescent that has now followed me into adulthood. I just don't know what to think.
It is so overwhelming. The thing I hate most is when they ask about love. Love is a hard emotion for me - I tend to give away my heart a bit too easily, and a bit too frequently. Quite honestly, nearly everyone I meet gets a space in my heart and I care about everyone. This makes it hard for me to know what to say or which instincts to follow. I also don't know what I want. I do know that I really can't handle purposely getting into a serious relationship right now. I do not want to end up feeling like I am dependent on someone else. I need to be strong within myself first. But at the same time, I hate that I feel so alone all the time. I admit to being slightly oblivious to myself and the way other people feel about me - this is another shortcoming of mine that I think I need to work on. I never intentionally lead someone on, but it happens. And then I feel horrible and don't know how to fix it without being hurtful Which is also rather difficult. :sigh: At least I got through the day alright, even with all this stuff on my mind, trying to figure things out and how I feel about whom.

Anyways!

Breakfast: 1/2 cup each Kashi Autumn Wheat and Bearnaked granola with sliced banana, 1/2 a chopped apple, and vanilla soymilk topped with creamy peanut butter. On the side: cottage cheese, other 1/2 chopped apple and juice. This was pretty darn good, haven't had cold cereal in a bit and the warm weather this morning was most inviting for a cold breakfast.


Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, ounce of almonds, golden raisins and honey. I also had bell pepper and baby carrots with hummus when I returned from the gym.


Lunch: White Chocolate Wonderful with blueberry preserves. I think is my new favorite jam, for real. I also had the rest of my cucumber and pepper along some green beans and cottage cheese.


Afternoon snack: vanilla yogurt with orange marmalade and strawberries. This felt really summery and refreshing - I also really liked the color composition.


Dinner: Bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus/olive oil dressing, peas, broccoli, corn, tomato, and a good wedge of firm tofu. There's also some romaine hiding in there too.


Apple pied oats again, I know. But the apples are in desperate need of using up. I think I'm going to try pumpkin-chocolate chip-oats after I finish off my apples.

You know what I just realized. My only issues today were entirely un-ED related. Well, in theory anyways. I suppose we could argue my ED stunted my growth in emotional relationships. But anyways! My day was spent thinking about things entirely outside of my eating disorder - things that made me feel good, or not so good, or confused and insecure. But none of things involvd food or body image. It was purely the life of an average twenty year old.

This feels good.

5 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you are going through - Love, relationships, even simple attention really make me uncomfortable. i hope everything works out for you. It is good to hear that your day was non ED focused though - that's great!

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  2. no ed-related issues!? that is awesome tori. each day you are getting closer to normalcy. im so proud proud of you. your attitude towards self-care and love is so refreshing. we need to keep that goal in mind because without it - we will never be recovered. continue loving life, you are a living inspiration.

    your breakfast looks delicious! fabulous combo with the kashi biscuits and granola. curious, what flavor bear naked granola do you use? and blueberry preserves is my favorite choice whenever i make pb&j sandwiches (with wcw too!)

    enjoy your nights!
    love you <3
    brooke

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  3. Great realization at the end of your post! You really do seem to have the guys flocking to you! Hey, that's an enviable problem ;)

    I know it's stressful though, because us ED-gals tend to be people pleasers and it can be hard to set boundaries and be assertive about what you need. Have you read Eating in the Light of the Moon? I just started it, but in the beginning they talk about how it's really common for girls with EDs to be VERY in tune with all of the "little things" with other people's behavior, etc. that you notice and that drive you crazy. Interesting stuff!

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  4. wow that's great to hear that you had an ED free day :) of course you deserve this and doesn't it feel wonderful to have a normal 20year old day with many guys chasing after you? you're doing great tori. i know you can do this. i believe in you
    xxx

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  5. I'm so glad you had a day where ED buggered off for a bit. I agree you seem to be v. popular with the guys ;-)
    Just wondering - and I hope this doesn't come across as intrusive or out of order - but what are your maintenance cals now? I hope you're managing to keep the weight steady love - remember you're still v. v. thin and quite frail - don't do too much and eat too little.
    <3 you loads xxx

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