Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Breakfast at the 'Bucks

So, this morning I confessed my anxieties and fears to my mother, so we put weighing me off for another day. That way, I was able to enjoy going to breakfast in peace. And oh, what peace it was...

To eat: Starbucks oatmeal, and a peach-raspberry parfait. I wasn't sure how many packets of mix-ins one was permitted to take, so I just brought about 400 calories worth of my own stuff (dried figs, granola, trail mix and almonds) to top my oats with. I stirred some of the vanilla yogurt in with the oats because they were a bit thick. It was really good, I felt so proud of myself sitting there. I know, I should have tried a muffin or something. But I'd still need to add a bunch of stuff to it to get enough calories, so oats just seemed easier for right now. I intend on going back for a muffin when my breakfast no longer has to be 1200 calories.
Of course, one really shouldn't go to Starbucks and not a get a drink. So in addition to the usual glass of juice I take with my numerous vitamins and calcium supplements, I also had this:

Iced soy vanilla latte. My favorite <3 This was the first caffeinated beverage I have had since probably October. Can not believe I have gone so long without coffee, but since I don't like putting much in it, I decided it wasn't worth filling myself up with empty liquid when I still have so much to eat during the day. Coffee and I have a date soon, when maintenance comes around. Almost there too.

Mid-morning snack: Vanilla Chobani with Bearnaked granola, some slices of banana. On the side: rest of the 'nana with two tablespoons of Dark Chocolate Dreams. I've never had that combination before. Oh my. I think I should try this as a sandwich at some point. ED hates the thought of banana and PB at any meal other than breakfast. ^.^ We shall see.

Lunch was a baked sweet potato with cottage cheese, and an array of mixed veggies with apple juice. I also had a Cocoa Mole larabar. Love that flavor - its so warm and sweet.

Afternoon Snack: Fage 2% with dried figs, almonds and honey <3

Dinner: bulgur wheat with hummus, tofu, peas, romaine and seeds. broccoli and green beans in olive oil. I go for a lot of green and orange it seems, yes?
Dinner dessert was interesting. Along with a slice of cinnamon toast with some strawberry jam, I had these:

Three squares of Green & Black's dark chocolate mint. I loved this. The cherry stuff was OK. But mint is definitely my preferred choice. I think I am going to give the rest of my cherry bar to my father. He'll probably love it, and I'm kind of hoping he'll take me giving it to him as a sign of me not hating him anymore. I used to have a really hard relationship with the man, even a year ago I could not stand him. He is a recovering alcoholic and he would drive me mad by either comparing his ceasing to binge drink (nevermind that my mother threatened to kick him out if he didn't stop, and it still took 20+ years) to my eating disorder, OR he would tell me how I was tearing the family apart. I cannot put into words how frustrating and annoyed that made me. He acted as if his drinking never affected me. It did, more than he may ever know. There are things he said and did to me that he doesn't even remember. He locked me out of the house when I was 14 years old and refused to open the door because he couldn't remember who I was. When I said "I'm your daughter" the response was "What daughter?". Worse still, one night when he was particularly belligerent and angry, he stormed into my room, threw me and started screaming about how he was ashamed I was his daughter, I was a slut and he was going to maim the next boy who ever touched me (I had a hickey and I was 16) Oh! And lets not forget about after I was in treatment. He was forced to come to family therapy one day. Afterwards, he literally dropped me and my mother off at the curb and sped out to come home with a case of beer and a bottle of brandy, spent the rest of the night drinking. But no. His drinking didn't affect me or my self-worth. Not at all. I guess I am still a wee bit bitter about that particular thing. If he would at least recognize that he hurt me, it would be easier to accept that he is trying to care about me now. But I am still having a hard time. Sometimes I think he's trying to be a better father now because its more convenient - I basically take care of myself now (outside of food - still a bit hard there) but otherwise - what has he left to do? I'm getting better, so of course now its easy to like me. I don't know. I need to just accept that sure, he might not have been there before but he is trying now. Even if I'm still hurt, I shouldn't let that cause me to shut him out entirely. I know I shouldn't shrug my shoulders and say "too late". I have been making an effort to at least be civil and friendly.

Anyways! Enough of my soap opera past.

Nighttime snack: Oats with chopped apple, cinnamon, brown sugar, and cinnamon raisin PB. Me and peanut butter had a party today, did you notice?

Alright. I'll be honest. I don't know entirely why, but today was really, really difficult for me. The morning went well. Mumzy and I even went shopping. I tried on clothes that fit and looked nice, but I felt super-self conscious. ED kept telling me "This would look even better if you lost five or ten pounds." Um OK ED. Nevermind the fact that both the skirt and two dresses I tried on were rather big and boxy to begin with. :sigh: I hate ED. One thing I tried on was wayyyy too short (high waisted black segmented skirt) so I guess that was where ED tried to get his in. But the darned thing fit! So why does it have to bother me so much that it was too short? Why? Because my ED insists if something is too short, it must mean I'm too big. Ugh.
But things got better (and I hate to say it - particularly because every other item tried on was truly too large. That did calm ED down)and lunch went well. Even PM snack really wasn't bad. But by the time dinner rolled around, anorexia was berrating me and the thoughts I was having just were really hard to handle. I sat outside on the steps, smoking a cigaretee with tears rolling down my face. Sometimes the amount of discontent I feel within myself is overwhelming and I wish I could just escape it all entirely.
I talked to a few friends who tried to make me feel better. Given that they are all guys, mostly what I got was "But why? You are so beautiful and you look so great now. Why? You are fucking gorgeous, you look great. You could stand to gain another ten pounds maybe but you look so much better. And besides, you know I'll love you no matter what you weigh" I know, they tried so hard to make me feel better about myself. And I appreciate, I really do. But sometimes, comments like that make it worse. A large part of my eating disorder was caused by me trying to make myself disappear, so I wouldn't be seen. I wanted desperately to make myself untouchable. It was my way of preventing myself from being desirable. So the whole fawning-over-me thing doesn't always exactly help make me feel more comfortable with my appearance. Plus, the other side of the coin is that my initial reaction is usually "well, its great to know that you love me but how about me loving myself?" I don't mean to be snippy though - it just pops into my head. That what good is it if other people think I'm wonderful if I still hate myself? I can't spend the rest of my life relying on other peoples thoughts and feelings in order to replace my own just to spare me the anxiety of trying to find my own self acceptance. I need to learn how to do it myself. :sigh: I don't know what it will take for me to find it, but I hope one day I will.

Well, I hope everyone's had a good Wednesday. Sleep tight. I know I for one need a good snoozefest after today.


  1. Your story is really sad to hear. I completely understand how your father did not to anything to make things better for you or your family. It's incredibly admirable of you to give him something of a peace offering after such a tumultuous past. You and your father will be in my prayers. It is possible for ripped seams to be stitched back together again.

    Congratulations on enjoying your Starbuck's breakfast! Regardless of all the thoughts running through your head, you made it through the day wonderfully. I learned that it really took several months at a healthy weight for the ED voice to calm down, but still today the worst part for me is when putting on clothes.

    Your friends sound like such loving guys! If I tried to talk about this with most of my guy friends, they'd either not quite get why someone wouldn't want to eat, or just say sorry and not know much else to say. For not understanding at all, they seem to be nice to have around. Of course no one will ever say exactly what we need or want to hear, and a huge part of recovery is strenthening our minds to be able to do that for ourselves.

    Have a good sleep, and I hope you have a great day tomorrow. Stay strong!

  2. You can do this, Jemima. Look at how strong you've been these past few days. Feeling these emotions and dealing with the anxiety is what's going to help you recover. I admire your courage in sticking with this.

  3. I'm the poster above and I'M SORRY THAT I CALLED YOU JEMIMA!! I have no clue where that came from.

  4. hm. i know the comments aren't particularly helpful, but i guess it's just because the rest of the world is rather confused as to how you cannot see your own worth, because it's so blatantly obvious to us. i'm not implying you're stupid or anything - just that there are so many wonderful things you could use as a base for accepting yourself. oh, what i am writing here is just another one of those comments that are meaningless - i know you genuinely can't see it. but i think you are strong, and will be strong enough one day to find yourself. you have done so well to get this far.

    my father is afflicted similarly (he has no interest in recovery). do not feel guilty for the bitterness you might feel. you are a better daughter than i am just by being friendly towards him! you are...more than admirable.
    congratulations for your breakfast, and the chocolate. i am sorry you had such a bad day. i sincerely hope tomorrow is better for you.
    take care, sleep well.

  5. I'm so sorry about the way your dad has treated you...NOBODY deserves to be treated like that, especially a kid by their own father! Really unfair, but I admire you for not hating him and being mature in dealing with him today. Hell, even being NICE! I don't think I'd give my dad a cherry bar! Lol.

    I'm also sorry that today was hard for you..I can TOTALLY relate to the feeling you had towards the comments your guy friends made. I've been in that exact situation, and the same thoughts have run through my's so hard.

    Hang in there Tori! I'm so proud of you for everything! And I'm excited for when you can maintain and enjoy coffee again =)

  6. tori love,
    its really horrible to hear what your father has done but i dont want to comment on it because you need to focus on positive things in your life. its great that you took the courage to share it with us but dont let it weigh you done. i am so happy that you had a good breakfast and shopping spree. i know its so hard not to listen to this negative voice inside your head. and i also know that having had an ED for a long time like you too makes it even harder cause you are so used to listening to this voice and giving back in. but love i tell you one thing. this is why we haven't gotten out of this. because we listen to it all the time. we need to stop to get out of this anorexia. i know loving yourself i so hard and there are so many moment where you just want to give up but i am sure that someday we will both love ourselves. we just need to learn to trat ourselves good and then we can learn to love us again. listen to tori's voice, that is the only way you can learn how to love yourself again.
    big big hug from me

  7. Wow. You are even stronger than I believed to come through such a tough childhood and adolescence and still be able to build bridges with your father. I'm astounded by your courage and grace in being able to forgive him. I felt so sad reading about the things he did, things no young person (or adult!) should have to endure. It really puts my own stupid, insignificant problems into persepective.

    I can see why the attention from guy friends might be triggering. So much of anorexia for many people is about wanting to stay in an immature body so 'adult' relationships can be avoided. It's easier for me becuase...well, guys don't give me a second glance whatever weight I'm at, but I hope you can also realise that their comments are positive and, despite one piece of clothing being too short, you are neither fat nor will ever have the potential to be anything other than a healthy, slender, beautiful person. Being tall with a small frame means that clothes will often be too short, but that has nothing to do with being heavier than ED would like.

    Another day of wonderful eats ~ so proud of you for facing Starbucks. You don't have to tackle muffins right away ~ tis all about baby steps.

    Oh, and YES, try out Dark Choc Dreams & banana sandwich! I think you already know my opinion on this combo but I promise you will not be disappointed.