So, this morning I confessed my anxieties and fears to my mother, so we put weighing me off for another day. That way, I was able to enjoy going to breakfast in peace. And oh, what peace it was...
To eat: Starbucks oatmeal, and a peach-raspberry parfait. I wasn't sure how many packets of mix-ins one was permitted to take, so I just brought about 400 calories worth of my own stuff (dried figs, granola, trail mix and almonds) to top my oats with. I stirred some of the vanilla yogurt in with the oats because they were a bit thick. It was really good, I felt so proud of myself sitting there. I know, I should have tried a muffin or something. But I'd still need to add a bunch of stuff to it to get enough calories, so oats just seemed easier for right now. I intend on going back for a muffin when my breakfast no longer has to be 1200 calories.
Of course, one really shouldn't go to Starbucks and not a get a drink. So in addition to the usual glass of juice I take with my numerous vitamins and calcium supplements, I also had this:
Iced soy vanilla latte. My favorite <3 This was the first caffeinated beverage I have had since probably October. Can not believe I have gone so long without coffee, but since I don't like putting much in it, I decided it wasn't worth filling myself up with empty liquid when I still have so much to eat during the day. Coffee and I have a date soon, when maintenance comes around. Almost there too.
Mid-morning snack: Vanilla Chobani with Bearnaked granola, some slices of banana. On the side: rest of the 'nana with two tablespoons of Dark Chocolate Dreams. I've never had that combination before. Oh my. I think I should try this as a sandwich at some point. ED hates the thought of banana and PB at any meal other than breakfast. ^.^ We shall see.
Lunch was a baked sweet potato with cottage cheese, and an array of mixed veggies with apple juice. I also had a Cocoa Mole larabar. Love that flavor - its so warm and sweet.
Afternoon Snack: Fage 2% with dried figs, almonds and honey <3
Dinner: bulgur wheat with hummus, tofu, peas, romaine and seeds. broccoli and green beans in olive oil. I go for a lot of green and orange it seems, yes?
Dinner dessert was interesting. Along with a slice of cinnamon toast with some strawberry jam, I had these:
Three squares of Green & Black's dark chocolate mint. I loved this. The cherry stuff was OK. But mint is definitely my preferred choice. I think I am going to give the rest of my cherry bar to my father. He'll probably love it, and I'm kind of hoping he'll take me giving it to him as a sign of me not hating him anymore. I used to have a really hard relationship with the man, even a year ago I could not stand him. He is a recovering alcoholic and he would drive me mad by either comparing his ceasing to binge drink (nevermind that my mother threatened to kick him out if he didn't stop, and it still took 20+ years) to my eating disorder, OR he would tell me how I was tearing the family apart. I cannot put into words how frustrating and annoyed that made me. He acted as if his drinking never affected me. It did, more than he may ever know. There are things he said and did to me that he doesn't even remember. He locked me out of the house when I was 14 years old and refused to open the door because he couldn't remember who I was. When I said "I'm your daughter" the response was "What daughter?". Worse still, one night when he was particularly belligerent and angry, he stormed into my room, threw me and started screaming about how he was ashamed I was his daughter, I was a slut and he was going to maim the next boy who ever touched me (I had a hickey and I was 16) Oh! And lets not forget about after I was in treatment. He was forced to come to family therapy one day. Afterwards, he literally dropped me and my mother off at the curb and sped out to come home with a case of beer and a bottle of brandy, spent the rest of the night drinking. But no. His drinking didn't affect me or my self-worth. Not at all. I guess I am still a wee bit bitter about that particular thing. If he would at least recognize that he hurt me, it would be easier to accept that he is trying to care about me now. But I am still having a hard time. Sometimes I think he's trying to be a better father now because its more convenient - I basically take care of myself now (outside of food - still a bit hard there) but otherwise - what has he left to do? I'm getting better, so of course now its easy to like me. I don't know. I need to just accept that sure, he might not have been there before but he is trying now. Even if I'm still hurt, I shouldn't let that cause me to shut him out entirely. I know I shouldn't shrug my shoulders and say "too late". I have been making an effort to at least be civil and friendly.
Anyways! Enough of my soap opera past.
Nighttime snack: Oats with chopped apple, cinnamon, brown sugar, and cinnamon raisin PB. Me and peanut butter had a party today, did you notice?
Alright. I'll be honest. I don't know entirely why, but today was really, really difficult for me. The morning went well. Mumzy and I even went shopping. I tried on clothes that fit and looked nice, but I felt super-self conscious. ED kept telling me "This would look even better if you lost five or ten pounds." Um OK ED. Nevermind the fact that both the skirt and two dresses I tried on were rather big and boxy to begin with. :sigh: I hate ED. One thing I tried on was wayyyy too short (high waisted black segmented skirt) so I guess that was where ED tried to get his in. But the darned thing fit! So why does it have to bother me so much that it was too short? Why? Because my ED insists if something is too short, it must mean I'm too big. Ugh.
But things got better (and I hate to say it - particularly because every other item tried on was truly too large. That did calm ED down)and lunch went well. Even PM snack really wasn't bad. But by the time dinner rolled around, anorexia was berrating me and the thoughts I was having just were really hard to handle. I sat outside on the steps, smoking a cigaretee with tears rolling down my face. Sometimes the amount of discontent I feel within myself is overwhelming and I wish I could just escape it all entirely.
I talked to a few friends who tried to make me feel better. Given that they are all guys, mostly what I got was "But why? You are so beautiful and you look so great now. Why? You are fucking gorgeous, you look great. You could stand to gain another ten pounds maybe but you look so much better. And besides, you know I'll love you no matter what you weigh" I know, they tried so hard to make me feel better about myself. And I appreciate, I really do. But sometimes, comments like that make it worse. A large part of my eating disorder was caused by me trying to make myself disappear, so I wouldn't be seen. I wanted desperately to make myself untouchable. It was my way of preventing myself from being desirable. So the whole fawning-over-me thing doesn't always exactly help make me feel more comfortable with my appearance. Plus, the other side of the coin is that my initial reaction is usually "well, its great to know that you love me but how about me loving myself?" I don't mean to be snippy though - it just pops into my head. That what good is it if other people think I'm wonderful if I still hate myself? I can't spend the rest of my life relying on other peoples thoughts and feelings in order to replace my own just to spare me the anxiety of trying to find my own self acceptance. I need to learn how to do it myself. :sigh: I don't know what it will take for me to find it, but I hope one day I will.
Well, I hope everyone's had a good Wednesday. Sleep tight. I know I for one need a good snoozefest after today.
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