I am feeling rather grateful that this week is over. Its been so hectic for me between all of appointments and other commitments and people I have to talk to (or rather, people needing/wanting to talk to me). I think that's a lot of how I end up feeling guilty. Its like there is so much that is wanted of me and I forget that I'm still in the process of recovering, and that I need to make sure I have time for myself. So then I see I've got thirty million things to do in a day, and it hits me that I don't have time to do it all - I still have to eat six times a day to maintain, I still need to rest and I can't jump right in to full-on life right away. Having to remind myself of these things is frustrating, but true. I did exactly that last spring and lo and behold - six weeks home and I had reached a number on the scale I never on my life thought I'd see. I keep reminding myself that I don't want to go back there. Sometimes its hard though. There are days when I look in the mirror, and it doesn't feel so bad. But other days, I wonder why I bothered putting myself through all of this when I still feel the same inside and still see the same ugly girl with a dirty face and betrayed body in the mirror. :shrugs: For the moment, those days seem to be fewer, but when they come I feel lost.
For the most part today has been good. I actually joined the local gym so I could start doing some weight-bearing exercises to build up my bone mass. So doing that today made me feel pretty good. Plus, it was beautiful outside. So that always helps make for a good mood.
Breakfast was Kashi Autumn Wheat with Bear Naked granola, raisins, sliced banana, almonds, and vanilla soymilk topped with creamy peanut butter. Along side there was a glass of plum juice and cottage cheese with some left over raisins. This was soo good, especially since its been awhile since I'd had a cold cereal.
Mid-morning snack before going to the gym was Fage 2% with raisins, agave nectar and half of a crumbled Pecan Pie larabar. I haven't had this flavor in ages, I forgot how good it was. Crumbled into the Fage made it really decadent feeling - but still really healthy. Definitely something to repeat if I ever manage to find larabars around here again.
After I got home from the gym, I made a little snack of half a red bell pepper with a scoop of hummus and a hardboiled egg. I know - totally weird combo right? But it balanced out calorie wise and the trainer I met with suggested I add an extra snack that was mainly protein based on the days I go. So! I did it.
Lunch: Avocado and cucumber on sprouted grain bread, cottage cheese with string beans and tomato with some dressing, and strawberries. For lunch dessert, I had the other half of my pecan pie larabar. ^.^
Afternoon snack: plain Stonyfield yogurt with orange marmalade and flaked coconut. Oh, I havent had coconut and orange marmalade together in a long time. I highly recommend it, either as a yogurt/cottage cheese topping, or on oats.
Dinner: Bulgur wheat with hummus, olive oil, tofu, baked tomatoes, sweet peas, corn and some romaine. i think this is probably my favorite dinnner. Wow. I have a favorite. And dinner nonetheless! Dinner has alawys been my least favorite meal for some reason - its always been the hardest for me to eat. Which is weird because the snack before bed is generally fine. :shrugs: Aren't eating disorders strange?
Speaking of snack before bed, I had another bowl of these:
In the mix: Five grain hot cereal with brown sugar, cinnamon, vanilla, caramel coffee creamer, chopped MacIntosh apple and cinnamon raisin swirl PB.
Ah well. Another day done, right? Right. Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel quite so strung up by my friends and family.
Hopefully, we'll all be able to enjoy our weekends and have that bright sunshiney weather everyone's talking about.
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