Friday, April 24, 2009

Finally, Friday.

I am feeling rather grateful that this week is over. Its been so hectic for me between all of appointments and other commitments and people I have to talk to (or rather, people needing/wanting to talk to me). I think that's a lot of how I end up feeling guilty. Its like there is so much that is wanted of me and I forget that I'm still in the process of recovering, and that I need to make sure I have time for myself. So then I see I've got thirty million things to do in a day, and it hits me that I don't have time to do it all - I still have to eat six times a day to maintain, I still need to rest and I can't jump right in to full-on life right away. Having to remind myself of these things is frustrating, but true. I did exactly that last spring and lo and behold - six weeks home and I had reached a number on the scale I never on my life thought I'd see. I keep reminding myself that I don't want to go back there. Sometimes its hard though. There are days when I look in the mirror, and it doesn't feel so bad. But other days, I wonder why I bothered putting myself through all of this when I still feel the same inside and still see the same ugly girl with a dirty face and betrayed body in the mirror. :shrugs: For the moment, those days seem to be fewer, but when they come I feel lost.

For the most part today has been good. I actually joined the local gym so I could start doing some weight-bearing exercises to build up my bone mass. So doing that today made me feel pretty good. Plus, it was beautiful outside. So that always helps make for a good mood.

Breakfast was Kashi Autumn Wheat with Bear Naked granola, raisins, sliced banana, almonds, and vanilla soymilk topped with creamy peanut butter. Along side there was a glass of plum juice and cottage cheese with some left over raisins. This was soo good, especially since its been awhile since I'd had a cold cereal.

Mid-morning snack before going to the gym was Fage 2% with raisins, agave nectar and half of a crumbled Pecan Pie larabar. I haven't had this flavor in ages, I forgot how good it was. Crumbled into the Fage made it really decadent feeling - but still really healthy. Definitely something to repeat if I ever manage to find larabars around here again.

After I got home from the gym, I made a little snack of half a red bell pepper with a scoop of hummus and a hardboiled egg. I know - totally weird combo right? But it balanced out calorie wise and the trainer I met with suggested I add an extra snack that was mainly protein based on the days I go. So! I did it.

Lunch: Avocado and cucumber on sprouted grain bread, cottage cheese with string beans and tomato with some dressing, and strawberries. For lunch dessert, I had the other half of my pecan pie larabar. ^.^

Afternoon snack: plain Stonyfield yogurt with orange marmalade and flaked coconut. Oh, I havent had coconut and orange marmalade together in a long time. I highly recommend it, either as a yogurt/cottage cheese topping, or on oats.

Dinner: Bulgur wheat with hummus, olive oil, tofu, baked tomatoes, sweet peas, corn and some romaine. i think this is probably my favorite dinnner. Wow. I have a favorite. And dinner nonetheless! Dinner has alawys been my least favorite meal for some reason - its always been the hardest for me to eat. Which is weird because the snack before bed is generally fine. :shrugs: Aren't eating disorders strange?

Speaking of snack before bed, I had another bowl of these:

In the mix: Five grain hot cereal with brown sugar, cinnamon, vanilla, caramel coffee creamer, chopped MacIntosh apple and cinnamon raisin swirl PB.

Ah well. Another day done, right? Right. Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel quite so strung up by my friends and family.

Hopefully, we'll all be able to enjoy our weekends and have that bright sunshiney weather everyone's talking about.


  1. I totally get the feeling of being pulled in a million different directions. It's good you recognized the need to focus on you, you are 100% worth all the attention you are getting and deserve from yourself. Remember that in recovery, you must please you body above all other things, even if your head or other people offer tempting distractions.

    Oh and I'm glad you enjoy the gym! A protein rich snack is a good idea.

    As for your food, it looks delicious as usual! Your breakfast bowl looks like a work of art, I love all the flavors you put in there. I am also a fan of avacado and cucumber on a sandwich. I have that several times a week, with a handful of spinach thrown in.

    Sunshine HAS become a popular topic here in blogland. Hope you enjoy it too, and a wonderful weekend along with it.

    Love, Rachel

  2. Yes, EDs are quite weird...I'm sorry it's been so chaotic for you lately, I hope that things calm down this weekend and you can relax! Maybe even start doing weight-bearing exercises to get those bones nice and strong :)

  3. hey hun,
    remember that the stage you have reached now its actually the most challenging one. accepting the weight that you have gained and trying to get back into real life and still continuing to maintain that weight. i mean you are still very underweight so be careful and really take good care of yourself. dont rush into life so that this time you can really say goodbye to all these years of not living.
    you are beautiful as you are. no weight or number will ever change that