Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Fools Day part Deux

So. Today was off to a rough start, as evidenced by my freaking-out post. I really wanted to thank everyone who commented and emailed me (especially Erin! Your email almost made me cry! Your are too sweet.) But I dealt with it OK. I'll be honest, I spent a good part of the day in tears. I think perhaps a large part of the fear comes from beginning to separate myself from my eating disorder. i feel like at my current height and weight - I no longer look anorexic. Now logically, one would say "Your BMI is barely 15! What in gods name makes you think this is not anorexic???" But I have not willed myself to weigh this much since I was about fourteen years old. I was thinking about it today. And its not even so much the number that frightened me today - but rather the fact that I had finally actually managed to go up two pounds. And two seems like a lot. I had gotten used to shooting for it, but still only gaining a pound or less. I keep reminding myself that last week I hadn't gained at all, so really - it averages to a pound per week still. Its been difficult though. Especially after I was then informed that I was not two pounds away from goal, but actually five. :sigh: This did make me feel slightly better in some odd way. I'm not quite as close as I thought I was. Which is disappointing. But at the same time, I feel less nervous because that means I still have more time to figure things out. If that makes any sense. I'm not thrilled with the fact that I misunderstood what "a few pounds over that" meant. But I can deal.

All of ED's nonsense aside, I still managed to enjoy breakfast.

Here goes: Oats soaked overnight in apple juice. Mixed with Fage 2%, honey, cinnamon, raisins, and sliced banana. Topped with almonds, Bear Naked Granola, creamy peanut butter and grape jelly. Also had a glass of juice. And it was damned good, even with ED battering around in my head.


Mid-morning snack: Cottage cheese, trail mix, honey, dried figs. It sounds a little weird - but cottage cheese + dried figs is really good. I also had an apple juice. I read the wrong day's menu. I was supposed to have said apple juice with my lunch today, not my snack. I got very annoyed at myself for that. Enter mass berating and beating up of self for being stupid. After a brief stroll for a smoke, I calmed down and eventually came to the conclusion that it didn't matter if I drank my juice at nine in the morning or twelve-thirty, as long as I drank it.


Lunch was really good, something I hadn't tried before. On the sammie: roasted red pepper hummus, grated carrot, sliced fuji apple. On the side: mixed raw veggies, rest of my apple and a hardboiled egg. Lunch dessert speaks for itself.

Warmed in the microwave for kicks, as always.



Snack was travel-style today for therapy purposes. I know, what an ironic day to have an appointment scheduled! Anywas - what we have there is fruit&nut granola, ground flax, vanilla Chobani, and raisins. Always dependable. But guys - see that huge round golf-ball thing there on the left? That is a single walnut. I kid you not. I didn't know those things got that big!

Dinner was not photographed due to my forgetfulness (and being on the phone ^.^). It was left-over repeats though. Bulgur with spinach, green beans, broccoli, hummus, olive oil and sprinkling of seeds. tuna-salad with green peas. Chocolate soymilk. A ricecake with peanut butter. Dinner went OK. Especially seeing as how it was after therapy.


Nighttime Snack: oats with cinnamon bun coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, canned pumpkin. raisins stirred in and topped with cinnamon raisin peanut butter.

I feel really tired right now. And quite warm. :sigh: I think I smoked too many cigarettes today. Almost the whole pack. But at least I stuck with my meal plan, right? Right. Work on quitting cigarettes later. But I promise not to smoke as much tomorrow. No. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

I hate to make this a super-long post. But in addition to you lovelies, one other thing helped me get through today. It was this song, by Rise Against. Well, actually the entire "Sufferer and the Witness" album. But this one was played multiple times this morning among a few others. I highly reccomend the album for uplfiting your spirirts.

"Prayer of the Refugee"
Warm yourself by the fire, son,
And the morning will come soon.
I'll tell you stories of a better time,
In a place that we once knew.

Before we packed our bags
And left all this behind us in the dust,
We had a place that we could call home,
And a life no one could touch.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You will let me down, down, down!


We are the angry and the desperate,
The hungry, and the cold,
We are the ones that kept quiet,
And always did what we were told.

But we've been sweating while you slept so calm,
In the safety of your home.
We've been pulling out the nails that hold up
Everything you've known.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You won't let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You will let me down, down, down!

So open your eyes child,
Let's be on our way.
Broken windows and ashes
Are guiding the way.

Keep quiet no longer,
We'll sing through the day,
Of the lives that we've lost,
And the lives we've reclaimed.

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You will let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,
I can stand my own ground,
I don't need your help now,
You will let me down

There are so many parts of this song that inspire me and remind me of what I am recovering for, and why. I hope maybe it will ring true for you all too.

6 comments:

  1. "We'll sing through the day,
    Of the lives that we've lost,
    And the lives we've reclaimed."

    Think about the life that you are reclaiming with every single bite you take and every single pound you gain! I know it's hard to think so far ahead into the future but the closer you get to a healthier weight, the better of a chance you have to live a healthy, long, and happy life! With children and friends and INDEPENDENCE! It sucks now, sure...but honestly, in the future you will look back and be SO thankful for your determination to fight this! 6 years is a long time...we both know that, and it needs to end there!! I'm so so proud of you. Stay strong girl! <3

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  2. beautiful post tori, you can and will do this
    keep telling yourself and reminding yourself that you still weigh much too little to be scared rationally and that ed is just torturing you and trying to tempt you back. every time i jump a number on the bmi scale i freak out as well but i'm nearing 17 lately and then, just think, 18.5 -AH. but yes, we must actually do it and not just tell ourselves we will. it will feel good once we get there its just getting there thats the bitch. last summer as much as i dont want to admit it, and of course not without the occasional freak out, i was discharged from treatment with a bmi around 18. but it felt good to be closer to womanly, and i know eventually i really will have to get my goal weight above that so i can feel mature and natural.

    just think BOOBs tori, BOOBS.
    best of luck tomorrow :)

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  3. Keep your head on straight Tori and keep fighting!

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  4. So I just read your other post and didn't see this one..I'm glad you survived the day! Tears are ok! I'm so glad you dealt with today, sometimes when you're feeling so shitty all you can do is cry, but the important thing is that you held on and kept going! I'm glad that LOGICALLY you know you're still underweight, even if your ED is distorting the way you see yourself right now. In time you'll adjust, and you'll learn to love a much healthier body!

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  5. Hey Tori. Wonderful post! I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday but I'm glad you got through it okay. Like Stef says, tears are okay! It's better to cry than it is to actually give in to ED, lapse back into old behaviors.

    I quite like Rise Against but I don't think I've ever heard that one. I especially like this part:
    But we've been sweating while you slept so calm,
    In the safety of your home.
    We've been pulling out the nails that hold up
    Everything you've known.

    It's kind of as if ED has made a nice comfortable nest in our heads, making us feel shit about ourselves and feel the need to restrict. But now we're ripping out the foundation underneath of him, by continuing to make progress when typically ED would expect us to relapse. I feel like a hypocrite saying that, considering the state I'm in now, but it's making me think. So thanks.

    Enjoy your thursday! Much love

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  6. Yummilicious food today.
    *hugs*
    Just keep swimming.
    (^_^)

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