Saturday, April 4, 2009

History of Spring to Fall.

Exactly four years ago today, I was in the midst of my second (third?) inpatient stay. It was my junior year of high school. I was inpatient for the entire month of February and part of March. No less than six or seven weeks in my day program (Renfrew in Wilton,CT) did they choose to send me back to an inpatient clinic for a few weeks. I was bitter.
Three years ago, I was preparing to graduate high school. I thought I was trying to hold on to my life and enjoy it for all that it was worth, but really - it was my eating disorder always manipulating me in the backround, causing me to lose weight. I worked on it that summer. Wasn't good enough. We all know the story of me and Pratt Institute and how I lost a massive scholarship thanks to anorexia.
Two years ago today, I was a chronic drug user. I bet most of you didn't know that about me. But yes - Tori was a stoner and she also occasionally abused prescription meds among a few other things on occasion.
Exactly one year ago, I was released from Cornell - the fifth and hopefully final inpatient facility and hospital I have ever set foot in.
Exactly nine months ago, I was on my death bed, being told by my insurance company that there was nothing more they could do for me. They said they would call again in a few weeks to see if I was still holding on.
Six months ago, I was finally working off the mostly-liquid diet of milkshakes, yogurt, and polenta. Of course, when I started eating real food - I also started walking about three miles a day. This proved to be counter productive and was eventually ceased.
Three months ago things picked up and fell apart all within the same span of time. I slipped back, but I managed to fix it after a slight weight loss.
Three weeks ago I was in the beginings of challenging myself more than ever before.
Three days ago, I saw that I am almost to the weight I was discharged at one year ago. Five to seven pounds left to go.

This time of year is truly marked for me.
And today, I challenged myself.

That's right. I went shopping. And I tried on clothing (despite my massive fear that things would not fit and I'd be too big for them) I still have the darned "this is too short" issue. Which ED tries to manipulate into "if you lost five pounds it wouldn't be too short anymore" Damnit. I am almost 5'9". Losing five pounds will not change the fact that a shirt or pants were three or four inches too short. It will not change the fact that I will always have a hard time finding things that fit me that are long enough without being consequentially too large at the same time. The things I did find that actually were long enough ended up being a *bit* too large despite being smalls. But I'm figuring I'll grow into them. Above, we have three shirts - turquoise, burgundy and sky blue. One tiered mini skirt(navy), and one peasant-style knee length skirt(olive). I love the clearance racks.
Did I mention this is the first clothing I have purchased in at least a year, possibly longer? Other than shoes of course. I feel really proud of myself for going through with it. I was very tempted to turn around and run away when I got to the register.

Here's to today. Breakfast anyone?

In the bowl: 1/2 cup oatbran cooked in 8oz vanilla chai protein shake, cinnamon 1/4 cup raisins, sliced banana, handful almonds, topped with granola. On the side: cottage cheese and orange marmalade, plum juice. Tell me, who else can fit about 1,100 calories between a bowl and a glass? ^.^

I haven't a picture of my morning snack - it was the same from the last time I posted. Fage 2% with dried figs, trail mix, and honey.

Lunch: Avocado and cucumber sandwich. Sliced apple and tomato with cottage cheese. Apple juice.
Lunch dessert:

Nuked in the microwave. It was cold today and warming it up seemed rather inviting.

Snack: Silk soymilk and granola warmed in the microwave. Rest of the soymilk on the side. Apparently I over-estimated the absorbency-capacity of my granola. >.< Put wayy too much soymilk into the bowl. I know better now though, right? And better still - it was different than my usual afternoon snack.

Dinner: baked tofu, pasta with olive oil and greens. peas, broccoli and mixed veggies. After I took the picture, I decided to try mixing more of my foods together. I was a little nervous about it, especially since tofu is something I haven't had in a long time. I think its a control issue. So it became baked tofu-pasta-with-peas. Hooray.
Dinner dessert was vanilla chobani with Kashi Autumn Wheat and White Chocolate peanut butter. Yum. My dad had come into the kitchen and I didn't really want him seeing me taking pictures of my food pic of this one. But rest assured, it was quite good.

Well, we all know what this is. Seriously awesome oats. I might like these even better than my pumpkined ones (imagine that!) In case you don't know - in there is oats, cinnamon, brown sugar, caramel coffee creamer, sliced strawberries, cherry-berry preserves and nutella. That's right. Today was an all out day. Now all thats left is to see what tomorrow brings.

I hope that everyone else is having as good weekend too. You all are so nice to me, and so supportive. Everyone is so inspiring and so helpful to me - I wish I could find the words to let each and every person know how much they lift me up when I'm down.


  1. tori,
    it's clear how much has changed for you over these four years. you've been through so much and SHOULD be proud! not just for going shopping (thought that's great, and your clothes look lovely) but for all your other accomplishments. maybe there is still a way to go, but think about how far you've come. keep going girl.
    i'm the same about taking pictures of food! i don't do it around my mum because she would think it odd.
    i hope you have a good day. remember we're all behind you.

  2. Hey hon!

    Thank you for being honest and confessing your history. That is so brave of you to let us know the OLD TORI. BUt you know what? I am more excited to know the NEW TORI. And I am glad taht she is emerging now. See those great buys yo have now? Good job sweetie! I know you could definitely make a 360 degrees change in your life. One step at a time. One extra bite a day.

    XOXO, aubrey nicole ;)

  3. Thanks Tori. Remember the most important thing when fighting ED is to be honest with yourself! Keep up the fight and we are all here to support you : )


  4. You've come so far, and dealt with so much hard stuff! That's really great. And yay for shopping! Cute finds :)

  5. you are so strong...this is your time to shine xxxx

  6. Thanks for sharing part of your history. It's obvious that you've been through so much within the past few years, but I'm so happy that you've been able to come out of it all stronger than ever! Every little challenge you make, like mixing your food, takes you one step closer to beating ED for good.

    Love your clothes! Congrats on going shopping. Enjoy your Sunday! Much love

  7. I'm so proud of how far you've come in the past couple of years. It's a great accomplishment.

    Way to go with the shopping too! I love the colors.

  8. thank you for sharing that story. and yes you have come so far and honestly i can say that almost everyone can look up to for pulling this through even though. eating the food that you need and not getting yourself distracted. i think you deserve a really big tap on the shoulder for that. well done love
    and i promise you this your body will thank you for doing this very soon :)

  9. Hi! I'm from CC (hotsauceismypoison) and have seen you around. I just wanted to have done amazingly in turnig your life around for the better. You just seem to have done a massive 360 degree turn in the RIGHT direction in the past four years, and I really admire that and it inspires me to keep going with my recovery. The way you just accept and hope to increasing cals whenever never fails to astound me.. Your food looks great, especially the oats and I LOVE Cherry Pie Larabars..I've taken to zapping mine in the micro whenever I can since Winter in fast approaching here in Australia!
    Very pretty clothes too. =) Ugh, ED likes to pounce on every little thing..I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum to you, being basically only 4'10, so ED likes to remind me that I must fit into the smallest size in the shop since I'm petite, otherwise I'm disgustingly massive and blah blah blah. Pshh to that!
    I hope you enjoy your week. =)

  10. *Hop to increasing cals..oops!