So today was weigh-in.
I gained two pounds.
ED is screaming at me, that I'm eating too much, that I'm gaining too quickly and I need to restrict or start exercising.
My mom said to me "Well, you didn't gain at all last week. So really, it balances out. And we know this has happened - where your weight has had some sort of fluctuation so one week it looks like you haven't gained and the next its up two pounds."
Yes. It has happened before. And every one of those times,it scared the living hell out of me. Right now, ED is telling me that my body has become bloated, disproportionate and disgusting. I really want to curl up in my bed and hide all day. I have had myself convinced for the past SIX YEARS that I could never, ever accept myself if I was a certain weight. I am at that number now. I have two more pounds to gain before I am allowed to start maintaining. This should comfort me. But it doesn't. Suddenly I feel like I am moving too fast and like I need to slow down. But I know that slowing down would be giving into my ED and would be a huge step backwards. Especially because I know in the past, when this has happened - I ended up not gaining again the following week. So I know that I can't decrease my calories, no matter how badly I want to so I can feel safe again. Recovery cannot be about feeling safe. Safe means ED is happy. And as long as I am keeping my ED happy - that means I am letting it rule. And I know I can't continue to let that be.
Today is going to be incredibly hard. I will post eats and such later. I intend on keeping myself at 3600. So hopefully posting later will keep me on track.
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