Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Miserable.

So today was weigh-in.
I gained two pounds.
ED is screaming at me, that I'm eating too much, that I'm gaining too quickly and I need to restrict or start exercising.
My mom said to me "Well, you didn't gain at all last week. So really, it balances out. And we know this has happened - where your weight has had some sort of fluctuation so one week it looks like you haven't gained and the next its up two pounds."
Yes. It has happened before. And every one of those times,it scared the living hell out of me. Right now, ED is telling me that my body has become bloated, disproportionate and disgusting. I really want to curl up in my bed and hide all day. I have had myself convinced for the past SIX YEARS that I could never, ever accept myself if I was a certain weight. I am at that number now. I have two more pounds to gain before I am allowed to start maintaining. This should comfort me. But it doesn't. Suddenly I feel like I am moving too fast and like I need to slow down. But I know that slowing down would be giving into my ED and would be a huge step backwards. Especially because I know in the past, when this has happened - I ended up not gaining again the following week. So I know that I can't decrease my calories, no matter how badly I want to so I can feel safe again. Recovery cannot be about feeling safe. Safe means ED is happy. And as long as I am keeping my ED happy - that means I am letting it rule. And I know I can't continue to let that be.
Today is going to be incredibly hard. I will post eats and such later. I intend on keeping myself at 3600. So hopefully posting later will keep me on track.

7 comments:

  1. Aww Tori I hate it when the scales mess up a whole day. Remember, even if you gain those extra couple of pounds, you'll still be terribly, terribly underweight. That shouldn't be comforting but I guess from experience, it helps put things in perspective. And think how INCREDIBLE your metabolism is going to be! Your 2lb closer to health and LIFE, girl, don't give up! xxxx

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  2. Hey hun, never commented here before but wanted to send some e-hugs & encouragement.
    Weight gain is such a mixed thing. You fight so hard to actually get the weight on & then when it does go up you get that strong ED voice telling you to undo it. But DON'T listen to that idiot. Keep up your good work. By not giving into the thoughts things WILL get easier. I promise. The only way forward is to show ED that he has no place in your life & to do that you must continue with the work you have been doing. I know you know all this, but sometimes having it re-inforced can help?
    Why prolong the suffering & damage that being so low is doing to your body, your health... organs, bones, psychological state? Get this done with. Show ED who is boss & then get on with the life YOU deserve. You are NOT taking this too fast at all hun. You and I both know that 2lbs is not even nearly an unsafe amount to gain over the course of a week. It is progress & you need to keep reminding yourself that the weight SHOULD be going up. That is the aim.

    Stay strong & be brave lovely xxx

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  3. Just seconding what sparklingstar already said-yes it's amazing how we can have just what we "want" but ED dislikes it so much we feel like we are unhappy! But the truth is he screams harder and harder as he dies, and if we can endure the screaming and throw an extra punch it will all be oer soon and he won't be able to torment us.

    Speaking of ED being comfortable, I know this is probably bad timing but I have to at least hopefully reinforce what I'm guessing you might already know: ONLY ED could possible "allow you" to maintain at a weight 2lbs above where you're at now. I KNOW it's a huge up from your low point...but it is still so far below the minimum healthy weight that every day you maintain even THAT weight puts you another day at risk of death, permanent damage, or another day of both of those in the process. I know it's tough to push past where ED says you'll be okay....but we only have so many chances, and so far below the threshold is still $$ in the bank of destruction.
    I hope that comes across ok--how I meant it as encouragement to not let all your courageous work be for nothing by stopping before you reach the real reward--your LIFE no longer hindered or headed to doom.

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  4. Stay strong, and remember-
    "If I expect recovery to be easy, I will become frustrated"

    <3 You're beautiful.

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  5. hang in there tori!

    i know weight restoration is the most uncomfortable and frustrating aspect in recovery. but your ed has been trying to fight this battle for 6 years! this is your time to shine and grow - a number is just a number. i know you can do this. stay strong and do not get discouraged today!

    wishing you all the best right now sweetie - you're amazing and im so proud of you.

    love, brooke

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  6. Good for you for recognizing the danger in all this. We all support you, stay strong!

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  7. I know you're feeling overwhelmed by the # on the scale, but keep it up! Don't let ED fool you into thinking restricting is a good idea..it's not! <3

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