Monday, April 13, 2009

Muesli Monday!

Today was a pretty good day. Lots of sunshine to keep my spirits up. A lot thinking has been done today. Just about everything in general. I don't know. I looked back through an old journal of mine today. And for the first time I realized just how severe my eating disorder truly becomes when I am in that mindframe. I mean honestly - I did things to myself and put my body through a kind of torture that no one should ever endure. I looked back at the things I would write about the way I felt about myself and my body, it made me shudder. I wasted so much time hating myself and punishing myself for something that wasn't really my fault. I won't regret the past - there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am going to try my damndest not to lose another year of my life to anorexia. It's going on ten years this fall, and that is more than long enough.

Breakfast was my own twist on Bircher-muesli. Familia swiss muesli soaked overnight in vanilla soy milk, mixed in the morning with a yobaby pear yogurt, ground flax, raisins, almonds, half a sliced banana and half a chopped apple. Then topped with granola and the rest of my banana. Had the other half of my apple and a glass of juice alongside. This was really good - definitly something to have again. I was a bit nervous about the pear yogurt - I haven't had a fruit-flavored yogurt in ages and I was afraid it'd be too sweet. But it was very subtle and creamy - not at all like I expected. Nice though.

Mid-morning snack (in a new bowl!)was Fage 2% with cashews, dried cherries, and a few hunks of granola drizzled with agave. First time trying agave. I'm still a honey girl, but the agave was really light and refreshing. Also, it was much easier/cleaner as compared to my rather sticky squeeze jar of honey. Definite plus.

Lunch was something kind of new, and I'm kinda proud of it.

Ezekial bread with natural creamy peanut butter and dried figs. This sandwich was soo good. I was a bit afraid of trying it - don't know why. But I nuked it in the microwave for a few seconds and the PB melted a bit and the figs got super soft and chewy. I feel so creative for this one. I also had the usual CC with mixed veggies and a juice box.

Afternoon snack was another new one.

Cottage cheese with ground flax, cinnamon, sliced strawberries and a crumbled dark chocolate walnut clif bar. I know it doesn't look like it, but I promise, I ate the whole bar. This mix was soo good, I think this will definitely be something to have again.

Dinner was bulgur wheat with hummus, sweet peas, tofu, green beans and broccoli sprinkled with ground flax and drizzled with olive oil. I had some of the brocoli on the side with some more hummus - it didn't all really fit onto one plate...oh well.

Dinner dessert was vanilla Chobani with slivered almonds and chocolate chips. I don't know why but I felt nervous about this. I think it was just ED trying to worm in on me after doing so well with the past few days. But I know the tricks and I won't fall for it.

Nightly snack (in another new bowl! yippee) was oats with brown sugar, cinnamon, caramel coffee creamer, chopped apple and topped with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. This may be my go-to oat bowl after pumpkin.

I think over all, its been a good day despite ED's occasional flaring up with thoughts about how I looked perfectly fine at X and why was I pushing to gain more? :sigh: I don't even know the answer to that though - I just tell myself I'm doing it because somewhere inside I know its for the better, and because I am trying my best to trust my mother when she said that the weight I was discharged at from IP was a good weight for me - that any less was still dangerous. While its been almost like ED isn't even around anymore the last few days - at times I can feel his touch. When I'm planning menus, or getting dressed particularly. I'm trying to just wear what makes me feel good - not what I think will hide me the most. Its not always easy, especially because most of my clothes I have now were purchased for the sole purpose of hiding me. And I feel like I am only perpetuating something that continues to make me feel ugly by constantly wearing the same oversized long sleeve shirts in dismal colors. I hate to say this but most of the time I am afraid of putting anything else on for fear it will trigger ED thoughts. But I also refuse to buy new clothing when I know there is stuff sitting in my drawer that could be worn if I wasn't so stupidly afraid of it. ::shakes fist in fury::: I am going to wear my good clothes one day this week even if it kills me. I hate that ED makes me walk around wearing those stupid shirts that are falling apart because I've worn them so much. I hate the way I look in them, feel in them - I just feel so blah. Like they take something away from me - the part of me that used to love getting dressed up and looking cute. I don't do that so much anymore and I miss it - it made me feel good about myself. I want that back. I want it all back.
One of these days, I will wake up in the morning, and my life will be mine again. I don't know when and I don't know where. But I do know it will happen, someday, as long as I keep striving for it.


  1. tori you are such a special girl,
    I'm really glad you've been doing well and trying to make the best of your meal plan but having things you enjoy and motivating yourself by reading about your past. That's something I do often even know I don't keep so much of a journal anymore. Don't worry about the clothes situation, it will all come with time, you will enjoy getting dressed to go out to parties and clubs and dates again;)) like I know you will once you progress on your journal to a substantially healthy lifestyle.

    you're always in my prayers by the way and I say that when we both reach healthy goal weights we meet up sometime and hang out, even if it's just for a cigarette and coffeexx.we're closeby and I think this summer it would be a good adventure if you're up for it.

    love youu have a relaxing night and morning. draw me a picture? i'll sketch one for you tomorrow- we must motivate each other to keep up with our arts!

  2. Look at all the NEW things you tried today! Each day you will get better and better at ignoring the ED thoughts. Stick with it.

  3. you deserve to feel good in your clothes, despite what your ED may tell you. you definitely do NOT deserve the pain and torture of anorexia. i'm so glad you realise that, and are so determined about this. one day you'll be free to live your life the way you want it, separate from anorexia. you've come so far, and despite the strangeness of someone 4+ years younger saying this, i'm so proud. you should be too.

  4. Wow, I love the sound of peanut butter and figs in a sandwich ~ would also be lovely on oats.

    Perhaps the reliance on older clothes is a comfort and control thing ~ I know I don't like dressing up either and tend to wear baggy, ill-fitting clothes for days in a row too. For me it's about not wanting anything to be tight on me so I can feel like I did when even the smallest size was too baggy, but also about hiding away so no-one can tell if I've gained or lost weight. Older clothes are like a security blanket, and dull colours (I live in black) are a way of trying to disappear (similar to ED behaviours perhaps?) and mask the sense of worthlessness that so often accompanies EDs.

    I'm sure you can break out and wear your new clothes ~ just keep reminding yourself that you are what makes the outfit special and beautiful and you're wearing the clothes, not being smothered by drab colours and baggy shirts (although I'm sure you still look lovely even in a baggy shirt!). You are clearly a warm, bright person and your newer clothes can reflect your personality so much more accurately than your older ED shirts.

    Again you have proved how amazing you are by continuing to break barriers with all your meals and snacks ~ thank you so much for the kind words and I will certainly try to get some different fats and more protein into my diet to strengthen my hair. I'm vegan and sensitive to soy (can have it, but not too often) so I know that protein is definitely an issue.

    *oh* and a bank holiday is basically a public holiday in the UK on certain dates (quite often Mondays) where most people get the day off school/work. It also seems to be traditional to have dreary, rainy weather!

  5. tori :D

    first off - congratulations on another successful day! im so proud of you. and im inspired to try this sandwich of yours! dates and pb is soo good, i can only imagine with figs. i also love your bircher muesli!

    as for your journal and thoughts? i feel the same way when i look back and read. i had so much hatred for myself, yet i loved it. how sick. i loved that i was dying, i loved that i was miserable, i loved that i was alone. and i too, am ready to give this up. 6 years and counting for me. but it is never to late. we are in this together - keep fighting and learning to love yourself each new day. let the sunshine brighter your smile and lift yours spirits.

    now the clothes issue! my goodness i know what you mean. my problem is i tend to wear more avant garde outfits and go all out when my ed is strong (very strange). but girl challenging yourself this week will feel amazing. wear a new outfit with pride and confidence! you are so beautiful, inside and out, please let the world see you for who you are - not ed. maybe start off in small steps? a top one day. pants/skirt the next. then go for a full look. i know this will be a challenge but i believe in you!

    hopefully today ed is simmering down. i know the feeling of ''why gain more? you looked fine when you were on your death bed, blah blah blah'' but we have to remember that ed is not rational. he is not be trusted with our life and health. we have to trust our loved ones and team of professionals who have the right state of mind. so keep fighting! you are so strong and deserve to be happy again.

    love you,
    brooke <3

    p.s i had that moment of positive solitude yesterday afternoon - i cannot wait for the day where i am able to eat what i want again with no regrets or planning. full of freedom and liberation.

  6. i have never had figs before, but adding them to peanut butter REALLY makes me want to try them :)
    awesome eats girlie :D

  7. Looking back at old journals sometimes helps me realize that I need to get control of this thing NOW before Ive filled up many more pages with hateful thoughts towards myself. I know where your coming from with the clothes situation. I am the same way- I ware oversized sweatshirts and baggy sweatpants all the time because I am so afraid of wearing anything that is form fitting. I am really proud of you for challenging yourself to step outside of the box and wear something you like one day this week! Stay strong!

  8. Yay new bowls! Cute ones too =)

    That pb + figs melty sandwich sounds soooo good, very creative indeed! All of your meals sound very tasty, healthy, and challenging (in a good way!) Keep up all this hard work!

    I know the feeling about sticking to the same big long shirts, no matter how ratty they get just because the thought of dressing up and getting "cute" is triggering. I've only lately started to wear jeans again...yes...for AGES I only wore ONE pair of jeans and like you mentioned in a post a while ago I REFUSED to wash them for ages because I was terrified after the post-wash shrink I'd suddenly not be able to fit. But let me tell you, over the past few weeks I've gone shopping and bought some cute new clothes that I actually feel comfortable in and they haven't been triggering! It might be worth it to buy just one new item of clothing, something that is free from negative ED associations and you can just WEAR!