Today was a pretty good day. Lots of sunshine to keep my spirits up. A lot thinking has been done today. Just about everything in general. I don't know. I looked back through an old journal of mine today. And for the first time I realized just how severe my eating disorder truly becomes when I am in that mindframe. I mean honestly - I did things to myself and put my body through a kind of torture that no one should ever endure. I looked back at the things I would write about the way I felt about myself and my body, it made me shudder. I wasted so much time hating myself and punishing myself for something that wasn't really my fault. I won't regret the past - there's nothing I can do about it now. But I am going to try my damndest not to lose another year of my life to anorexia. It's going on ten years this fall, and that is more than long enough.
Breakfast was my own twist on Bircher-muesli. Familia swiss muesli soaked overnight in vanilla soy milk, mixed in the morning with a yobaby pear yogurt, ground flax, raisins, almonds, half a sliced banana and half a chopped apple. Then topped with granola and the rest of my banana. Had the other half of my apple and a glass of juice alongside. This was really good - definitly something to have again. I was a bit nervous about the pear yogurt - I haven't had a fruit-flavored yogurt in ages and I was afraid it'd be too sweet. But it was very subtle and creamy - not at all like I expected. Nice though.
Mid-morning snack (in a new bowl!)was Fage 2% with cashews, dried cherries, and a few hunks of granola drizzled with agave. First time trying agave. I'm still a honey girl, but the agave was really light and refreshing. Also, it was much easier/cleaner as compared to my rather sticky squeeze jar of honey. Definite plus.
Lunch was something kind of new, and I'm kinda proud of it.
Ezekial bread with natural creamy peanut butter and dried figs. This sandwich was soo good. I was a bit afraid of trying it - don't know why. But I nuked it in the microwave for a few seconds and the PB melted a bit and the figs got super soft and chewy. I feel so creative for this one. I also had the usual CC with mixed veggies and a juice box.
Afternoon snack was another new one.
Cottage cheese with ground flax, cinnamon, sliced strawberries and a crumbled dark chocolate walnut clif bar. I know it doesn't look like it, but I promise, I ate the whole bar. This mix was soo good, I think this will definitely be something to have again.
Dinner was bulgur wheat with hummus, sweet peas, tofu, green beans and broccoli sprinkled with ground flax and drizzled with olive oil. I had some of the brocoli on the side with some more hummus - it didn't all really fit onto one plate...oh well.
Dinner dessert was vanilla Chobani with slivered almonds and chocolate chips. I don't know why but I felt nervous about this. I think it was just ED trying to worm in on me after doing so well with the past few days. But I know the tricks and I won't fall for it.
Nightly snack (in another new bowl! yippee) was oats with brown sugar, cinnamon, caramel coffee creamer, chopped apple and topped with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. This may be my go-to oat bowl after pumpkin.
I think over all, its been a good day despite ED's occasional flaring up with thoughts about how I looked perfectly fine at X and why was I pushing to gain more? :sigh: I don't even know the answer to that though - I just tell myself I'm doing it because somewhere inside I know its for the better, and because I am trying my best to trust my mother when she said that the weight I was discharged at from IP was a good weight for me - that any less was still dangerous. While its been almost like ED isn't even around anymore the last few days - at times I can feel his touch. When I'm planning menus, or getting dressed particularly. I'm trying to just wear what makes me feel good - not what I think will hide me the most. Its not always easy, especially because most of my clothes I have now were purchased for the sole purpose of hiding me. And I feel like I am only perpetuating something that continues to make me feel ugly by constantly wearing the same oversized long sleeve shirts in dismal colors. I hate to say this but most of the time I am afraid of putting anything else on for fear it will trigger ED thoughts. But I also refuse to buy new clothing when I know there is stuff sitting in my drawer that could be worn if I wasn't so stupidly afraid of it. ::shakes fist in fury::: I am going to wear my good clothes one day this week even if it kills me. I hate that ED makes me walk around wearing those stupid shirts that are falling apart because I've worn them so much. I hate the way I look in them, feel in them - I just feel so blah. Like they take something away from me - the part of me that used to love getting dressed up and looking cute. I don't do that so much anymore and I miss it - it made me feel good about myself. I want that back. I want it all back.
One of these days, I will wake up in the morning, and my life will be mine again. I don't know when and I don't know where. But I do know it will happen, someday, as long as I keep striving for it.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago