Saturday, April 18, 2009

Saturday, April 18th

The first flowers of spring are blooming in the yard. Beautiful aren't they?

Sorry for not posting yesterday. Friday was a bad day for me. Just so much buzzing around in the small space of my mind. I cried after dinner because I felt so overwhelmed with how much I feel I still need to overcome. The fact that I currently have about thirteen boys chasing after me on any given day is not helping. I have the hardest time saying "No" to people. Even when its someone I don't really like all that much. I guess I have really low self-esteem, there's always this little voice in the back of my head that says "No one else is ever going to like you, you should appreciate what you can get." Further complicating matters is the fact that I spent so many months isolating myself that I now find any seemingly "exorbitant" amount of attention to be rather overwhelming and confusing. To be honest, my feeling of not knowing what to do or say so very often makes me feel really childish. I just don't know how to respond sometimes because I don't know if ED looking for any petty excuse to burn calories, of if its truly me wanting to be social and have fun. I imagine its a bit of both? Or is it ED, not wanting me to let anyone see me after eating - or is it me, just not interested in someone? Bleh. I am learning though that I shouldn't force myself to go out if I don't feel like it because I don't have fun anyways. Despite all my emotional baggage, I ate everything I needed to, and even challenged myself with this at lunch:

This was a challenge for me due to the whole "it has salt in it" thing. But it was serously really good - tasted just like a PB cookie (or at least from what I can barely remember) I did some research actually, just to see if my salt-avoidance could be problematic. Apparently, lack of salt in your diet can put you at a greater risk of heart attack than too much. It also can cause depression, mood instability, cramps, and irregularity. Who knew? So! I am making an effort to not let ED's fear of salt end up damaging me further. I actually reworked today's menu plan to increase my salt intake.

Breakfast: The usual glass of plum juice with a new creation - Trail Mix oatmeal! In that bowl is 1/2 cup multigrain cereal cooked in 1 cup of vanilla chai protein shake with 1 applesauce, 1 chopped apple, some cinnamon. After cooking, I added 1/4 cup raisins and 1/4 cup granola stirred in. On top is 1/4 cup trail mix, a scoop each of coconut flakes and peanut butter and a few extra almonds. I was a bit scared of the coconut/apple mix but it was actually quite good.

I accidentally deleted the photograph of my mid-morning snack. I'm still annoyed at myself - it was really pretty! I had a Fage 2% with sliced dried figs, more flaked coconut, agave nectar and a crumbled Dark Chocolate Walnut nectar bar that had been nuked in the microwave for a few seconds. Sooo good. Definitely something to have again.

Lunch was a huge challenge for me.

Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter with half a sliced banana. Nuked in the microwave to boot. I warm a lot of my food up for some reason. Hm. Anyways. ED has had me convinced I can only have bananas in the morning. Why? I do not know. But today, I did it. Had a banana at lunch with PB. And damn, I can't believe I didn't try this a long time ago. Foolish ED. PBB is going to be appearing more frequently. In addition to this lovely sandwich, I had my usual sides of veggies and juice.
Of course, girl couldn't leave the rest of the banana just sitting there, right?

It's hard to see all of whats in there (it was a rather large 'nana) But its the rest of my banana, orange marmalade and some slushied- vanilla soy milk. Something also new, but very good.

Mid-afternoon snack was cottage cheese with granola and golden raisins. Lovely combination. And it worked out great - packed in 350 calories but didn't fill me up before dinner. My afternoon snack is my smallest snack of day since its kind of the closest to other meals. Makes it easier for me personally if I just make this one smaller and the next meal a bit bigger.

Dinner: about 1 1/4 cups of bulgur salad (bulgur wheat,hummus, olive oil, grated carrot and peas) with tofu and broccoli drizzled with olive oil.

Dinner dessert: vanilla Chobani with Nutella and blackberry jam. Woo.

Nighttime snack - Dare I even say it? Pumpkin oats made with coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, raisins and cinnamon raisin PB.
To be honest, I really didn't feel like having pumpkin tonight at first, but it was what I planned and I just didn't really feel like trying to figure something else out. But after I had it made, it became more enjoyable. So at least there's that. I think have pumpkin-ed myself out though. Its getting more summery I suppose, so I'm not really wanting it anymore. I think I may turn the rest of my canned pumpkin into pumpkin muffins.

Well. I can honestly say, Saturday was much, much better than Friday. I don't necessarily feel better about everything, but I am dealing a bit better. I suppose I'm not quite as anxious now after talking to a friend or two who happen to know a bit more about nutrition than I do (like Nell, I can't thank you enough!) , and they gave me a lot of reassurance on how to go about maintaining my weight for awhile. So, don't be surprised if my breakfasts no longer seem quite as massive (OK. Breakfast is going to be about 900 instead of 1,100, and I may or may not have dessert with dinner). I hate to say it but I'm rather looking forward to the idea that I may actually feel like I want to eat lunch in the afternoon.

Now I know, most of you probably know I'm still considered rather underweight given my height. But compared to where I was this time last year - I have gained a tremendous amount of weight and I really, really feel like I need to take time to adjust to my body before going further. I am terrified that not getting enough time to get used to my new body will result in me relapsing even worse than the last time. I know, staying at a low weight can only be more likely to cause that. I intend on trying to build some muscle and hopefully put on 5-10 lbs that way instead. If my weight hasn't gone up at all in the next few months, then I know I need to start boosting my calories back up again. But for now, I really feel the need to take some time for myself. Going from XX lbs to XXX has been a huge deal for me - this is the most I have ever willed myself to weigh since I was like 14 or 15. I am turning 21 in six months. That is a very long time to get used to a certain appearance. I know in my heart that yes, part of this may be ED. But mostly, its because I, Victoria, know what caused me to relapse in the past and I don't want it to happen again. And I know that if I can adjust to myself now, I will be able to get to where I really need to be and get accustomed to that as well.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekends thus far. The weather's been so beautiful here. Its been so nice to see the sun again, hasn't it?


  1. i'm sorry friday was so bad, and that you're still feeling down. the attention you're getting makes you uncomfortable, but try to remember it's only because these boys think you're pretty damn great. i know it's hard when you're trying so hard to figure yourself out without ED. but don't expect too much of yourself. everything can't be answered at once, just take it a little at a time.

    you've done so well with your challenges today. if maintaining for a while is what you need to do to get your head around everything, and prevent relapse, then it's probably the right thing to do. i just hope it doesn't damage you further in a physical way.
    i hope you feel better soon love. thinking of you,

  2. tori im so sorry friday was a struggle. as long as you are feeling better and deflecting your ed thoughts, this should pass. i can relate to your socializing issues so well - its frustrating because i do want to challenge myself to not be so isolated, yet sometimes i really do not am in the mood to go out. but is that ed? or is that brooke? very confusing indeed. but im always here for you if you ever need to talk or vent.

    congratulations(!) for still managing to get in your full mp! everything is delicious, especially your trail mix oats. and pb&b. this is definitely a fear a challenge for me too because ed made the same rule (bananas only at breakfast) so silly, right? bananas are healthy, full of nutrients like potassium which are vital for electrolyte balance. thanks for the inspiration girl - i need new lunches and this is one of my childhood favorites. and also a great way to use up leftover bananas :)

    i know how far you have come tori and it is astonishing! your strength, desire, determination, wisdom, all of the above. these traits are so admirable. i have never met anyone so inspirational in recovery. so i think you need to do what is best for you right now. i would be heartbroken if ed tried to take back your life because of a push that you are not ready for. you are in no hurry. and in 6 months? who knows what will happen. you might just be ready to take on that extra 10 pounds! but in the mean time, take one day at a time. stay strong and steady.

    have a wonderful sunday!

    all my love and support,
    <3 brooke

  3. tori sweetheart,
    you are so right about the salt intake. did you know that you can get a seizure when you're sodium levels are too low? its really dangerous to eat very little salt just like eating too much. i know its so hard to eat it when you are scared of water retention etc but try to eat a bit more everyday. try to look at it as another mineral like calcium or iron that your body needs to survive.
    about the socialising problem i know its so hard but you need to do it. its the only way you can understand what the real world is really like. i struggle so much with that too because i feel so lost out there. people dont seems to understand so many of the things that we think about. they would never think for a min about walking a bit further just to burn some more calories. so i'm sending you a big big hug and alot of strength that you find the will to go out and meet people.
    oh and i am not surprised that a girl as goregous as you has 12 guys chasing after her. but remember the healthier you become the more beautiful you will be. and at a healthier weight you will be able to let love affect you much more than now. its this letting go of control that holds us back from love sadly.
    have a wonderful sunday my love

  4. Hey Tori! I'll write you back a message too but I thought I'd comment here while I had your post in front of me :) All your food looks amazing!
    I feel like I have the opposite problem with guys now though I've been in the other position and I know it's overwhelming., Right now I haven't dated in about 2 years and no one really shows any interest so my mind is automatically like "of course you don't go on dates, who on earth could like you??" and then I think I sabotage myself because anyone that shows the slightest interest I freak out and find ways to avoid them because if they like me there must be something wrong with them....arrrghh, i hate the mind tricks!! But do know that you are beautiful, smart and an incredible person and there will always be guys lining up to date you, so you have every right to be picky! Spend time now with people who truly make you happy and forget the rest, and one day you will find the perfect man who you'll want to spend your life with. But for now, and I know this is at least true for me, I need to take care of myself and learn to love myself before I can let someone else in and take on that responsibility.
    As for decreasing, be very very careful and monitor your weight because you might accidentally drop several lbs if you decrease too soon or too much. For toning I've found yoga to be amazing, it always makes me relax which I really need, and I've seen a ton of improvement in my strength and how I feel about my body when I know what it's capable of.
    Hope you have a great sunday!!

    ps. I heat up all of my food too! lol, sometimes multiple times because I eat slowly, but I've forced myself to stop doing this so much.

  5. Yay for Dark Chocolate Dreams and banana! My favourite sandwich combination right there.

    So sorry that you are having a rough time ~ all these boys bombarding you with attention must seem overwhelming, but you must give yourself permission to turn some things down so that you don't get too exhausted by all the going out / socialising and suffer a burn out. If you still feel uncomfortable in yourself then it's going to be extremely difficult to accept anyone else being close to you ~ trust and / or fear issues are more than understandable at this stage, and after all the changes you have made in other aspects of your life you have no need to feel a failure for not wanting to move too fast with any of these guys. You have a great level of self-awareness and it's important not to do too much, too soon.

    Even through all the emotional turmoil you still managed to stick with the plan which shows how committed you are ~ if taking some time out from gaining is something that you know will help you in the long run, then it's the right decision to make. Just don't go too low! You'll need only a fraction less calories to maintain as your gain was so slow. But who am I to tell you this? You're the queen of recovery and you know better than anyone what your body needs.

    Keep enjoying the sunshine : )


  6. I love the picture! We had a breathe of not just spring, but full blown summer today! I was sad that I had to work indoors all day, though I won’t complain because I am grateful to have a job.

    Thank you so much for the shoutout! I was so afraid I had perhaps offended you. I know I can come on strong…but I like to be very real and say things the way they are, especially if it’s someone I really care about!
    And like I said, if there’s anyone I could help with all I’ve invested in my education plus all the crap I’ve gone through, it’s someone like you—one of the most wonderful people on earth and someone with the heart to really recover from the Enemy that wants to keep you from your awesome self.

    I don’t blame you for wanting to adjust by putting gaining on pause. But please, be careful: it would be so tragic if your body didn’t give you the “time” to mentally adjust! As wonderful as it sounds, time underweight is danger time ticking. The weight that your body could “handle” when initially losing to X amount just starts the process of the damage your body must do to itself to survive at that weight.
    And this continues until you are at a healthy weight…it doesn’t fix because you are above your low weight.
    It’s just the physiology of it—and it DOES suck to have such a long journey and I DO want you to be as comfortable as possible…just not to surpass those physiological limitations and it’s too late to survive and adjust.

    I also want to reiterate what I said about maintaining and calories—don’t go finding a bunch of ways to cut 1-200 calories from meals here and there! That will mess things up fast—and not just your weight. Just loosen up with more of a range, 34-3600 being a good starting point until your first weigh in. “gaining one more time” means better chances at a longer more fulfilled life. Pulling your body’s last straw could mean permanent damage, and then it’s too late.
    The latter can happen from dropping too fast or staying at too low a weight too long.
    Which risk would you rather take?

    All that said, I wanted to also say I am so inspired by how you handle your emotions! I can relate to so much of what you write, from boys to family [it’s kind of eerie, actually] and I am determined to take your approach to not letting it change anything about my eating. Eating can be a nice thing to do for comfort/as one feels—but when things get emotionally rough it’s time to do it on autopilot and hold strong. Your strong and steadiness is probably what amazes me the most, because as tenacious and tough as I am, that’s where I lack. I am determined to follow in your footsteps on that! If you can do it with so much similar going on and perhaps greater challenges, than so can I—especially with a friend like you always there. :-D

    -Nell [it won't let me sign in :(]