The first flowers of spring are blooming in the yard. Beautiful aren't they?
Sorry for not posting yesterday. Friday was a bad day for me. Just so much buzzing around in the small space of my mind. I cried after dinner because I felt so overwhelmed with how much I feel I still need to overcome. The fact that I currently have about thirteen boys chasing after me on any given day is not helping. I have the hardest time saying "No" to people. Even when its someone I don't really like all that much. I guess I have really low self-esteem, there's always this little voice in the back of my head that says "No one else is ever going to like you, you should appreciate what you can get." Further complicating matters is the fact that I spent so many months isolating myself that I now find any seemingly "exorbitant" amount of attention to be rather overwhelming and confusing. To be honest, my feeling of not knowing what to do or say so very often makes me feel really childish. I just don't know how to respond sometimes because I don't know if ED looking for any petty excuse to burn calories, of if its truly me wanting to be social and have fun. I imagine its a bit of both? Or is it ED, not wanting me to let anyone see me after eating - or is it me, just not interested in someone? Bleh. I am learning though that I shouldn't force myself to go out if I don't feel like it because I don't have fun anyways. Despite all my emotional baggage, I ate everything I needed to, and even challenged myself with this at lunch: This was a challenge for me due to the whole "it has salt in it" thing. But it was serously really good - tasted just like a PB cookie (or at least from what I can barely remember) I did some research actually, just to see if my salt-avoidance could be problematic. Apparently, lack of salt in your diet can put you at a greater risk of heart attack than too much. It also can cause depression, mood instability, cramps, and irregularity. Who knew? So! I am making an effort to not let ED's fear of salt end up damaging me further. I actually reworked today's menu plan to increase my salt intake.
Breakfast: The usual glass of plum juice with a new creation - Trail Mix oatmeal! In that bowl is 1/2 cup multigrain cereal cooked in 1 cup of vanilla chai protein shake with 1 applesauce, 1 chopped apple, some cinnamon. After cooking, I added 1/4 cup raisins and 1/4 cup granola stirred in. On top is 1/4 cup trail mix, a scoop each of coconut flakes and peanut butter and a few extra almonds. I was a bit scared of the coconut/apple mix but it was actually quite good.
I accidentally deleted the photograph of my mid-morning snack. I'm still annoyed at myself - it was really pretty! I had a Fage 2% with sliced dried figs, more flaked coconut, agave nectar and a crumbled Dark Chocolate Walnut nectar bar that had been nuked in the microwave for a few seconds. Sooo good. Definitely something to have again.
Lunch was a huge challenge for me. Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter with half a sliced banana. Nuked in the microwave to boot. I warm a lot of my food up for some reason. Hm. Anyways. ED has had me convinced I can only have bananas in the morning. Why? I do not know. But today, I did it. Had a banana at lunch with PB. And damn, I can't believe I didn't try this a long time ago. Foolish ED. PBB is going to be appearing more frequently. In addition to this lovely sandwich, I had my usual sides of veggies and juice. Of course, girl couldn't leave the rest of the banana just sitting there, right? It's hard to see all of whats in there (it was a rather large 'nana) But its the rest of my banana, orange marmalade and some slushied- vanilla soy milk. Something also new, but very good.
Mid-afternoon snack was cottage cheese with granola and golden raisins. Lovely combination. And it worked out great - packed in 350 calories but didn't fill me up before dinner. My afternoon snack is my smallest snack of day since its kind of the closest to other meals. Makes it easier for me personally if I just make this one smaller and the next meal a bit bigger.
Dinner: about 1 1/4 cups of bulgur salad (bulgur wheat,hummus, olive oil, grated carrot and peas) with tofu and broccoli drizzled with olive oil. Dinner dessert: vanilla Chobani with Nutella and blackberry jam. Woo.
Nighttime snack - Dare I even say it? Pumpkin oats made with coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, raisins and cinnamon raisin PB. To be honest, I really didn't feel like having pumpkin tonight at first, but it was what I planned and I just didn't really feel like trying to figure something else out. But after I had it made, it became more enjoyable. So at least there's that. I think have pumpkin-ed myself out though. Its getting more summery I suppose, so I'm not really wanting it anymore. I think I may turn the rest of my canned pumpkin into pumpkin muffins.
Well. I can honestly say, Saturday was much, much better than Friday. I don't necessarily feel better about everything, but I am dealing a bit better. I suppose I'm not quite as anxious now after talking to a friend or two who happen to know a bit more about nutrition than I do (like Nell, I can't thank you enough!) , and they gave me a lot of reassurance on how to go about maintaining my weight for awhile. So, don't be surprised if my breakfasts no longer seem quite as massive (OK. Breakfast is going to be about 900 instead of 1,100, and I may or may not have dessert with dinner). I hate to say it but I'm rather looking forward to the idea that I may actually feel like I want to eat lunch in the afternoon.
Now I know, most of you probably know I'm still considered rather underweight given my height. But compared to where I was this time last year - I have gained a tremendous amount of weight and I really, really feel like I need to take time to adjust to my body before going further. I am terrified that not getting enough time to get used to my new body will result in me relapsing even worse than the last time. I know, staying at a low weight can only be more likely to cause that. I intend on trying to build some muscle and hopefully put on 5-10 lbs that way instead. If my weight hasn't gone up at all in the next few months, then I know I need to start boosting my calories back up again. But for now, I really feel the need to take some time for myself. Going from XX lbs to XXX has been a huge deal for me - this is the most I have ever willed myself to weigh since I was like 14 or 15. I am turning 21 in six months. That is a very long time to get used to a certain appearance. I know in my heart that yes, part of this may be ED. But mostly, its because I, Victoria, know what caused me to relapse in the past and I don't want it to happen again. And I know that if I can adjust to myself now, I will be able to get to where I really need to be and get accustomed to that as well.
I hope everyone is enjoying their weekends thus far. The weather's been so beautiful here. Its been so nice to see the sun again, hasn't it?