Friday, April 10, 2009

:Sigh:

So. Today was my weigh-in.
Apparently, my body is no longer cooperating with 3600 calories. :sigh: I was granted another five days, and if my weight hasn't budged at least a pound, I am shooting up to four-thousand or more. Oh goody.
The worst part about this is that I have my period, and I know that causes my weight to fluctuate upwards. I am terrified that I may have actually lost weight. I feel like I should be increasing upwards, but because I was instructed not to, I also feel like I can't. Meh. It's a dilemma. And honestly, I was entirely utterly shocked. I was expecting to have nearly met my goal today, figuring I'd be on maintenance by this Wednesday. I've been trying to figure out how many calories I would need to maintain, and this just totally threw everything off. :sigh: I suppose I should consider it a good thing, I get at least another week, but the thing is, I have no idea what my rate of gain is now. I don't know. I'll try not to think about it until I know I need to.
Today was fun. Yet another grocery store run, trying to use up those lovely Stonyfield coupons I got ^.^. Words came out of my mouth that I never thought I'd say.
"Mommmm!!! They don't have any full-fat yogurt!! Why is it always non-fat??"
Didn't even realize what I'd said till have the people in the aisle were staring at me with slightly befuddled looks on their faces. I forget that I'm not as big as I think I am, so the fact that I have to eat as much as I do surprises everyone. Including myself. I feel good about it though - it made me laugh. I saw an old friend today too, which was nice. The last time I really talked to her, I was quite tragic looking. And I remember her repeatedly asking me if I was alright. She didn't do that today. It was nice to actually be able to talk to someone and not have them look at me with pity and sorrow in their eyes. I can honestly say, even on my worst days in recovery - I feel more like a human being now than I ever did whilst in the grips of my eating disorder. I think almost every day, I am beginning to feel more and more like myself. And even on the days when I don't, at least there's still the ability to hope for tomorrow.

Ah, breakfast.

In the bowl: Mix of Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli, Bear Naked berry granola, trail mix, sliced banana, raisins, cinnamon, Bolthouse Farms vanilla chai latte and a two hearty scoops of natural creamy peanut butter. This was a new thing for me - peanut butter on cold cereal. Definitely something I will do again, that's for sure. I also had a glass of plum juice and toast with jam.


Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%,almonds, more granola, sliced strawberries and honey

OK. Lunch today was a huge challenge for me. But I am super proud of myself.

Lunch: Bulgur with hummus, peas, green beans, chopped tomato and a veggie burger. Also an apple and a juice box.
Do you see that? I mixed my food together! All at once. On the same plate. Given my OCD-like tendency to want to separate literally everything (I used to eat PBJ in halves, one half PB, one half jam - that's how bad it was) I am elated. My goal for tomorrow is to mix together my dinner too. I felt so much more normal and so much less...anxiety ridden? perhaps, with everything mixed together, instead of all those little individual portions staring at me. This is something I wish I had done a long time ago. :shrugs: oh well. At least I have a new go-to meal.
Lunch dessert was perhaps my favorite larabar:

I've taken to warming bars in the microwave. This one in particular -it seriously becomes very cookie-like when warmed, chewy, crumbly and sweet. I'm glad I got a chance to grab a few the other day before they aren't sold in the area anymore. Especially since it looks like I'm going to be needing 3600 for a bit longer than I anticipated....anyways!


Afternoon snack: Vanilla Chobani (this one wasn't watery! hooray) golden raisins, cranberry pecan granola.


Dinner: Acorn squash stuffed with mashed tofu and a sprinkle of peas, broccoli and greens with olive oil. Had the rest of my tofu and peas that didn't quite make it into my squash on the side. Also a glass of vanilla soy milk, and toast with crunchy peanut butter.

Snack before bed was a repeat of last night's oats. I know, I know. Too much pumpkin may turn me orange. But you can't let an open can sit in the fridge for too too long, am I right?

I really wanted to thank everyone who has emailed me or left comments for me lately - your words have meant so much to me and have really helped me be more rational with myself. I really am one of those "do it the whole way or don't do it all" kinda folks, so having some more "gray area" perspectives has really helped me a lot. I have to say as well - you all nearly bring tears to my eyes at times with how heartfelt and kind you are to me. I suppose part of it is because I don't quite understand how I of all people could be considered as lovely as you all say I am. But I am learning that's okay right now, as long as I don't let my lack of understanding interfere with being. That probably applies to all areas of life right now actually, for a lot of us. I think one of the hardest things is learning to accept that there are not quick-fixes, easy answers and solutions to every problem, every question and that not everything can be fixed or restored overnight. You can't just magically wake up and be happy with who you are inside and out. it takes time, patience, and a lot of stumbling to be able to truly appreciate yourself for all that you are. I like to think that for every gift we are given, something is taken away - but eventually something greater can be taken back in return. In many of our cases, we lose parts of ourselves, parts of our lives, years that can not be relived. But I believe that when we get to other side, the world will be that much more beautiful to us, and we will be that much stronger inside than we would have been than if we had never faced this. Now, I'm not saying anorexia is a good thing - far from it. It is a malicious, insidious illness that wreaks havoc on your life, mind and body. I am saying that eventually, something good can be made of the struggle to survive and overcome. I need to remind myself of that quite often, but it seems to help make it all seem so much more worthwhile.

8 comments:

  1. I'm going to try my hardest to have this make sense:

    I know you're really concerned about how much weight you are/are not going to gain over this next week...but if you take a step back and think about it you need to realize that you are not shooting for an EXACT number. No one stays one exact number, but instead we fluctuate AROUND that number. So even if you do gain a little more than you thought you were going to- that's OKAY. Because your body is going to balance itself out in the end anyways.

    I absolutely LOVE reading your blog. I constantly check it at night to see if you update, and once you do I park my behinddd in a comfy chair and read away. Your words speak VOLUMES to me and always encourage me. In fact, when I find myself torn between having something to eat or not I often sit down to read your blog and then get up to get the snack. I'm not sure WHY but I like it!!

    You're beautiful inside and out, and I know one day you will finally be able to see that. I KNOW this.

    <3 Believe.

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  2. Your words always make a big lump appear in my throat! Both in your posting and your comments. You are every bit as wonderful as people say, probably even more so! I'm sorry your body is being unco-operative, but hell girl - you are going to have one HECK of a metabolism when you get to maintenance. And try to remember that this maintenance isn't the end of needing to gain health - you'll still be very, very underweight. Love you so much xxx

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  3. Ah, sorry about the lack of weight gain. I remember feeling like I'd eaten so, so, much food only to discover that I'd lost weight. But Laura is right, even if you gain or lose more than you expect over this next week, your body will sort itself out in the end. Normal peoples' weights fluctuate every day, but they don't think anything of it because they don't weigh themselves! Maybe you should just cut to the chase and add in some extra cals this week. Because the sooner you do that, the sooner you can switch to maintenance and the sooner you can quit worrying about what your weight is doing.

    WHY is yogurt nowadays always non-fat? Why? It's all I can buy at my regular grocery store, and with the exception of greek yogurt, it all tastes like crap! Dorset muesli sounds great, but it's so expensive, boo.

    Enjoy your Saturday, love!

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  4. What yummilicious foodicles!
    I laughed at the 'mom, why is there no full fat yogurt?!'
    People look at me strangely when I complain that there are only 'diet' yogurts in stock at the moment. Yum...artificial sweeteners and lots of fillers. How delicious...not!
    (>_<)
    Have a good day.

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  5. Hey! I just came across your blog and I love it! I cant wait to read more. I am sorry your body is not cooperating, just remember that you wont have to do this forever! Stay strong

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  6. i know eating a fairly high calorie intake is hard, but maybe it'll be good once you can enjoy food more again?
    i love the full-fat/non-fat yoghurt story. and your hope, despite setbacks, is so heartening to read about.
    i'm not good at writing comments; i never know what to say or how to explain how i feel about what you and others write. but know that i'm behind you and believe in you. you've come so far and it's pretty awesome.
    i'm planning to have PB oats today. i think it would probably be less filling, so that'll be handy too.
    i agree. and i think we all need to keep remembering that this really is worthwhile. however hard it is.
    <3
    erin

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  7. So funny about your bulgur dinner plate with everything mixed together! That was such a big deal for me too just yesterday, and I had bulgur too! Weird! I'm sorry your weigh-in didn't go as you would have liked..I hope that your body starts cooperating soon! I'm really glad that you got to see your friend and that you could actually have a nice conversation without her thinking you'lll keel over and die! Keep it up!

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  8. i know i'm a little late but i'm catching up with all my blogs and i just have to say, what you wrote in this post, especially the bottom part is just so touching!! if i did not know it better, it could be written by me (of course my english is not near as good, so it can't be ;) ).
    thank you so much for sharing all your thought, it truly helps me to see, i'm not alone with my irritating thougts.
    thank you!! and stay as strong as you are!! it suits you! ;)

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