So. Today was my weigh-in.
Apparently, my body is no longer cooperating with 3600 calories. :sigh: I was granted another five days, and if my weight hasn't budged at least a pound, I am shooting up to four-thousand or more. Oh goody.
The worst part about this is that I have my period, and I know that causes my weight to fluctuate upwards. I am terrified that I may have actually lost weight. I feel like I should be increasing upwards, but because I was instructed not to, I also feel like I can't. Meh. It's a dilemma. And honestly, I was entirely utterly shocked. I was expecting to have nearly met my goal today, figuring I'd be on maintenance by this Wednesday. I've been trying to figure out how many calories I would need to maintain, and this just totally threw everything off. :sigh: I suppose I should consider it a good thing, I get at least another week, but the thing is, I have no idea what my rate of gain is now. I don't know. I'll try not to think about it until I know I need to.
Today was fun. Yet another grocery store run, trying to use up those lovely Stonyfield coupons I got ^.^. Words came out of my mouth that I never thought I'd say.
"Mommmm!!! They don't have any full-fat yogurt!! Why is it always non-fat??"
Didn't even realize what I'd said till have the people in the aisle were staring at me with slightly befuddled looks on their faces. I forget that I'm not as big as I think I am, so the fact that I have to eat as much as I do surprises everyone. Including myself. I feel good about it though - it made me laugh. I saw an old friend today too, which was nice. The last time I really talked to her, I was quite tragic looking. And I remember her repeatedly asking me if I was alright. She didn't do that today. It was nice to actually be able to talk to someone and not have them look at me with pity and sorrow in their eyes. I can honestly say, even on my worst days in recovery - I feel more like a human being now than I ever did whilst in the grips of my eating disorder. I think almost every day, I am beginning to feel more and more like myself. And even on the days when I don't, at least there's still the ability to hope for tomorrow.
In the bowl: Mix of Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli, Bear Naked berry granola, trail mix, sliced banana, raisins, cinnamon, Bolthouse Farms vanilla chai latte and a two hearty scoops of natural creamy peanut butter. This was a new thing for me - peanut butter on cold cereal. Definitely something I will do again, that's for sure. I also had a glass of plum juice and toast with jam.
Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%,almonds, more granola, sliced strawberries and honey
OK. Lunch today was a huge challenge for me. But I am super proud of myself.
Lunch: Bulgur with hummus, peas, green beans, chopped tomato and a veggie burger. Also an apple and a juice box.
Do you see that? I mixed my food together! All at once. On the same plate. Given my OCD-like tendency to want to separate literally everything (I used to eat PBJ in halves, one half PB, one half jam - that's how bad it was) I am elated. My goal for tomorrow is to mix together my dinner too. I felt so much more normal and so much less...anxiety ridden? perhaps, with everything mixed together, instead of all those little individual portions staring at me. This is something I wish I had done a long time ago. :shrugs: oh well. At least I have a new go-to meal.
Lunch dessert was perhaps my favorite larabar:
I've taken to warming bars in the microwave. This one in particular -it seriously becomes very cookie-like when warmed, chewy, crumbly and sweet. I'm glad I got a chance to grab a few the other day before they aren't sold in the area anymore. Especially since it looks like I'm going to be needing 3600 for a bit longer than I anticipated....anyways!
Afternoon snack: Vanilla Chobani (this one wasn't watery! hooray) golden raisins, cranberry pecan granola.
Dinner: Acorn squash stuffed with mashed tofu and a sprinkle of peas, broccoli and greens with olive oil. Had the rest of my tofu and peas that didn't quite make it into my squash on the side. Also a glass of vanilla soy milk, and toast with crunchy peanut butter.
Snack before bed was a repeat of last night's oats. I know, I know. Too much pumpkin may turn me orange. But you can't let an open can sit in the fridge for too too long, am I right?
I really wanted to thank everyone who has emailed me or left comments for me lately - your words have meant so much to me and have really helped me be more rational with myself. I really am one of those "do it the whole way or don't do it all" kinda folks, so having some more "gray area" perspectives has really helped me a lot. I have to say as well - you all nearly bring tears to my eyes at times with how heartfelt and kind you are to me. I suppose part of it is because I don't quite understand how I of all people could be considered as lovely as you all say I am. But I am learning that's okay right now, as long as I don't let my lack of understanding interfere with being. That probably applies to all areas of life right now actually, for a lot of us. I think one of the hardest things is learning to accept that there are not quick-fixes, easy answers and solutions to every problem, every question and that not everything can be fixed or restored overnight. You can't just magically wake up and be happy with who you are inside and out. it takes time, patience, and a lot of stumbling to be able to truly appreciate yourself for all that you are. I like to think that for every gift we are given, something is taken away - but eventually something greater can be taken back in return. In many of our cases, we lose parts of ourselves, parts of our lives, years that can not be relived. But I believe that when we get to other side, the world will be that much more beautiful to us, and we will be that much stronger inside than we would have been than if we had never faced this. Now, I'm not saying anorexia is a good thing - far from it. It is a malicious, insidious illness that wreaks havoc on your life, mind and body. I am saying that eventually, something good can be made of the struggle to survive and overcome. I need to remind myself of that quite often, but it seems to help make it all seem so much more worthwhile.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago