Today was a very mixed day for me emotionally. I started the day feeling pretty good, but then ended up crying again after dinner. :sigh: So frustrating. I keep feeling like this is never going to be over and done with, like there is always going to be some part of me that feels tainted and unnatural. I just wish it would go away, yknow? Like that little voice there that says "oh you don't need that last spoonful of yogurt." I'll be honest. There are mornings where I will literally sit at the table with that last bit of yogurt on my spoon for a solid five minutes. I do eat it, I always do. I remind myself how long it took me to start finishing everything, how long it took me to be allowed to eat on my own, hell even how long it took for me to start eating solid foods. I think of those things, and it reminds me why that last spoonful is so important. Its like ED's last grip on me and I can't let him have it back. But its hard some days when I just don't feel like finishing. Like this evening. :sigh: More boys that I don't feel comfortable with who just don't get it. Literally, one of them calls me every Sunday. I've stopped answering my phone whenever I think its him. He has made three different screen names in attempt to talk to me. It makes me want to curl up and hide. It also makes me angry that he just doesn't get it. And then there's another one who constantly makes me feel badly about the fact that I'm in recovery, and that I just do not need. I don't need anyone giving me shit about how much or how frequently I have to eat so it interrupts his agenda. I don't think so. Its hard enough, I need not any other negativity about the subject. Maybe I'm being self-righteous, I don't know. But I do know that even if it upsets me and makes me feel badly about myself - I still have the pride of knowing I said "no" inspite of whatever foolish and probably self-destructive things ED would rather I go out and do.
On to Breakfast!
In this bowl we have: 1/2 cup mult-grain hot cereal cooked with 1/2 a nana, 8oz Vanilla Chai latte + 2oz vanilla soymilk and some ground flax. Stirred in was 1/4 cup each raisins, granola and a tablespoon of flaked coconut. On top - rest of my banana, 1/4 cup trailmix and a tablespoon each of creamy PB and coconut. On the side, glass of plum juice. My breakfasts have been rather elaborate lately, haven't they?
Midmorning snack: Fage 2%, fruit and nut granola, figs and a drizzle of agave. Also: slice of cinnamon-raisin bread to dip in my Fage ^.^ Good combo.
Lunch was the standby: avocado with grated carrot and cucumber. Plus veggies in olive oil, strawberries, and apple juice.
Favorite flavor. And yes, I nuked it in the microwave. It was suggested that I put one in the freezer/fridge...and I was going to try it...but it was a bit chilly today. Sometimes I wonder what drives me to heat up literally everything I eat except for hummus/avocado sandwiches and yogurt. I'm not sure but I think its just a habit because in the past cold food literally turned my lips blue and caused me to shiver for hours. Hmm. Note to self: Must try eating more cold foods and determine if heating-up business is ED-related or personal preference.
Afternoon snack: cottage cheese, more granola, and a heap of golden raisins.
Dinner: tofu, bulgur wheat with hummus, greenbeans, peas and olive oil. plus some broccoli with dressing.
Dinner dessert was a repeat of yesterday's, only I used blueberry spread instead of blackberry.
We already discussed my slight break-down after dinner. It took some long talks, tears and a few cigarettes (I know! bad Tori! One thing at a time....but I do intend on at least trying to cut down) but eventually felt calm enough to eat this for my snack before bed:
5-grain hot cereal, cinnamon, brown sugar, vanilla carmel coffee creamer, chopped apple, and cinnamon raisin PB. I think this is taking the place of pumpkin as my favorite. Perhaps pumpkin just seems really wintery, and now that its getting warmer, I don't feel like having it so much anymore? Could it be - thinking about what I and my body actually want instead of what ED says I can have? Oh my. Hooray for unnoticed progressions?
I suppose today wasn't truly a bad day. Just one of those days where I've been overly contemplative and insecure. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and wonder how much longer this will last, how long will it be till I relapse again? I know in my heart I truly don't want that. But then again, I never wanted it any of the other times either. :sigh: I will not worry about that unless I have to. Because if I think about it, it will only be more likely to become a reality. I can hold onto this. I just have to tell myself that everyday for however long it takes for me to truly believe it, feel it and know it to be true.
OK. Well, I've certainly written enough for one day. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend.
5 weeks ago