Hello all. Today was beautiful - warm, sunny. I had a good day, went to the beach, hung out with a friend. I'm really proud of myself for that, ED wanted me to stay home so I could finish planning meals. But I wanted to go out so that's what I did. ^.^
Breakfast was something I hadn't had in a while - Oatbran cooked in vanilla soy shake with banana (half creamed in, half sliced), raisins, almonds and flaked coconut. On the side I had cottage cheese with PB and orange marmalade, and a glass of juice.
Morning snack was fage 2% with golden raisins, agave nectar and creamy peanut butter. Wowww. I admit - I was a bit scared of this combo, but it was good. Definitly something I would do again.
Lunch was a Flat-Out whole wheat wrap (!!I can't believe I found these!) with avocado, tofu, almonds, green beans and tomato. On the side, I had cottage cheese with strawberries and some of the extra veggies. This was excellent I have to say. I have been really afraid of having wraps (only goodness knows why) so I felt super proud of myself for having this and enjoying it.
Afternoon snack was a vanilla yogurt with strawberries and ground flax. On the side there you can somewhat see my rice cake. It had nutella on it actually, but I've posted that so much its really not something new. We all know what the rice cake with nutella looks like I'm sure.
Dinner was a baked sweet potato brushed with olive oil along with scrambled eggs, and cottage cheese topped with peas and there is broccoli buried in there somewhere too. This was a bit of challenge - having the potato later in the day. but it was fun to have breakfast for dinner. So I'm glad I did it. Plus, I have discovered I rather like sweet potatoes.
Nighttime snack was my current favorite - apple pied oatmeal. This time I did it a little differently though. I nuked my chopped apple with cinnamon, brown sugar and a tablespoon of water together in the microwave in a seperate bowl. Then I cooked up my oats with coffee creamer. I dumped the baked apples on top and added my PB. This made it more like apple pie I think. Defintly going to have to do it that way again. Sorry for the lack of picture - I had just gotten home actually and was a bit out of it.
I feel like there is so much on my mind, but not enough words to speak. Its rather frustrating. I feel very afraid that I am relapsing. I know I'm not. But its like the days are getting longer and sometimes I feel like I have lost all control. My family situation isn't helping. Today at the grocery store, my mom suggested I buy whatever yogurt it was that was on sale instead of my Fage 2%, but the calories were a bit less so I told her that. And she totally freaked on me. I mean, really - would she have rather I said "oh sure that's fine". We all know that fifty calories quickly becomes five hundred. :sigh: I hate feeling like my ED is still manipulating my life. Like in hte back of my head it says "if you didn't have to eat, you could stay out later." things like that - I hate it. I do tell myself that if I didn't eat, eventually I wouldn't be able to go out at all so I'm better off doing what I need to do and still retain some of my life. But its hard. No one trusts me, at all. My mom questioned how many calories I was eating today, and even I after I showed her my log - she still didn't believe me. The other day, after I took a shower I closed my bedroom door to get dressed. Literally within two minutes, mumzy dearest was pounding on my door screaming "what are you doing in there? are you exercising?" Ugh. I wish she would back off. I know this is a crucial point, but for real - if I don't get at least a little space, I probably will relapse due to sheer frustration and inability to cope with the pressure to perform. I don't know anymore sometimes. Its just hard getting through the day when I am stuck home alone all by myself with absolutely nothing to do. I want a job, desperately. I need one for my sanity. But the economy is so bad right now, its really difficult to get work. I wish I could just find something to get me out of this place for even just a little while each day. Being here all the time only fuels my eating disorder and my obsessions. I need to break free not just from my anorexia but from the constraints of my home as well. If I don't, I don't know that my recovery will ever be successful.
Okay. Sorry for the depressive ramblings.
On a happier note - I highly recommend RX Bandits for lifting your spirits. I love ska and punk music - it is so lively and fun. Skanking at local shows was perhaps the best part of my yougner years, before the only venue in town (Oddfellas) was shut down and turned into a church. :sigh: Something I want to do really soon is go to a show - I miss the envirnoment of the live music and everyone there, moshing and dancing. It was so much fun, always. I guess thats another thing my ED took away. Something else to get back though at least.
On that note - what kind of music do you all listen to lfit your spirits or make you feel good? Anything specific? I know for me, one of my favorites is "All the Time" by RX Bandits, or "Pull Shapes" by the Pipettes. What about you all?
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago