Sunday, April 26, 2009

Sunny Sunday.

Hello all. Today was beautiful - warm, sunny. I had a good day, went to the beach, hung out with a friend. I'm really proud of myself for that, ED wanted me to stay home so I could finish planning meals. But I wanted to go out so that's what I did. ^.^

Breakfast was something I hadn't had in a while - Oatbran cooked in vanilla soy shake with banana (half creamed in, half sliced), raisins, almonds and flaked coconut. On the side I had cottage cheese with PB and orange marmalade, and a glass of juice.

Morning snack was fage 2% with golden raisins, agave nectar and creamy peanut butter. Wowww. I admit - I was a bit scared of this combo, but it was good. Definitly something I would do again.

Lunch was a Flat-Out whole wheat wrap (!!I can't believe I found these!) with avocado, tofu, almonds, green beans and tomato. On the side, I had cottage cheese with strawberries and some of the extra veggies. This was excellent I have to say. I have been really afraid of having wraps (only goodness knows why) so I felt super proud of myself for having this and enjoying it.

Afternoon snack was a vanilla yogurt with strawberries and ground flax. On the side there you can somewhat see my rice cake. It had nutella on it actually, but I've posted that so much its really not something new. We all know what the rice cake with nutella looks like I'm sure.

Dinner was a baked sweet potato brushed with olive oil along with scrambled eggs, and cottage cheese topped with peas and there is broccoli buried in there somewhere too. This was a bit of challenge - having the potato later in the day. but it was fun to have breakfast for dinner. So I'm glad I did it. Plus, I have discovered I rather like sweet potatoes.
Nighttime snack was my current favorite - apple pied oatmeal. This time I did it a little differently though. I nuked my chopped apple with cinnamon, brown sugar and a tablespoon of water together in the microwave in a seperate bowl. Then I cooked up my oats with coffee creamer. I dumped the baked apples on top and added my PB. This made it more like apple pie I think. Defintly going to have to do it that way again. Sorry for the lack of picture - I had just gotten home actually and was a bit out of it.

I feel like there is so much on my mind, but not enough words to speak. Its rather frustrating. I feel very afraid that I am relapsing. I know I'm not. But its like the days are getting longer and sometimes I feel like I have lost all control. My family situation isn't helping. Today at the grocery store, my mom suggested I buy whatever yogurt it was that was on sale instead of my Fage 2%, but the calories were a bit less so I told her that. And she totally freaked on me. I mean, really - would she have rather I said "oh sure that's fine". We all know that fifty calories quickly becomes five hundred. :sigh: I hate feeling like my ED is still manipulating my life. Like in hte back of my head it says "if you didn't have to eat, you could stay out later." things like that - I hate it. I do tell myself that if I didn't eat, eventually I wouldn't be able to go out at all so I'm better off doing what I need to do and still retain some of my life. But its hard. No one trusts me, at all. My mom questioned how many calories I was eating today, and even I after I showed her my log - she still didn't believe me. The other day, after I took a shower I closed my bedroom door to get dressed. Literally within two minutes, mumzy dearest was pounding on my door screaming "what are you doing in there? are you exercising?" Ugh. I wish she would back off. I know this is a crucial point, but for real - if I don't get at least a little space, I probably will relapse due to sheer frustration and inability to cope with the pressure to perform. I don't know anymore sometimes. Its just hard getting through the day when I am stuck home alone all by myself with absolutely nothing to do. I want a job, desperately. I need one for my sanity. But the economy is so bad right now, its really difficult to get work. I wish I could just find something to get me out of this place for even just a little while each day. Being here all the time only fuels my eating disorder and my obsessions. I need to break free not just from my anorexia but from the constraints of my home as well. If I don't, I don't know that my recovery will ever be successful.

Okay. Sorry for the depressive ramblings.
On a happier note - I highly recommend RX Bandits for lifting your spirits. I love ska and punk music - it is so lively and fun. Skanking at local shows was perhaps the best part of my yougner years, before the only venue in town (Oddfellas) was shut down and turned into a church. :sigh: Something I want to do really soon is go to a show - I miss the envirnoment of the live music and everyone there, moshing and dancing. It was so much fun, always. I guess thats another thing my ED took away. Something else to get back though at least.

On that note - what kind of music do you all listen to lfit your spirits or make you feel good? Anything specific? I know for me, one of my favorites is "All the Time" by RX Bandits, or "Pull Shapes" by the Pipettes. What about you all?


  1. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My mom too had the worst time dealing with it, I don't even think she wanted to. She would get all red faced, sputtering, and upset when the subject came up, and my dad would be spouting off anorexia facts he had read offline to me, forcing me to make a very silent recovery. She worries because she loves you, which of course you know, but it can still be hard to deal with all the time. I hope you find a job or some way to get out of the house, I definitely agree that it does wonders for your sanity.

    Going to shows is the greatest thing ever. It gets me through weeks or months, is knowing that my favorite venue in the city is waiting for me late at night with friends and awesome music. You lose yourself, your voice, your thoughts all in the crowd and just let go. ED has no right to take that away from you, plan one for the future! You deserve it.

    Much love, Rachel

  2. Have you ever considered volunteering? That might be a good thing to start with because you wouldn't have to commit to tons of hours and you'll get a lot of personal satisfaction from it. I have had major depression for the past 2 years and the ONLY thing that makes me feel a little bit better is to volunteer. Just a suggestion!

  3. Hi Tori,
    I've never commented much on any blogs before but when I read the part about your mom, I could totally relate. My parents have been dealing with the e.d. for too long and are having trouble coming to terms with the fact that not only am I motivated to recover finally, but that I can actually make good, healthy decisions for myself also. They've gotten so used to needing to "police" the e.d. that they forgot how to just have a daughter. We talked about it recently in family therapy, and the therapist said it takes time to build back trust. Gah! I understand that but at the same time I am going to be so happy when the day comes when no one freaks out if my door is locked. Hang in there! Also, I'm a new blogger and I was wondering if I could add you to my blogroll?
    Take care, Jamie

  4. i understand completely about needing space - at one point my mother didn't let me close my door for longer than what it took to get changed really quickly. it sounds like you've been in similar situations. i think it's mainly because our families are trying to understand the illness, trying to stay alert in case things get really dire again, basically just trying to take actions and precautions that they hope will keep us alive. i know it's off-putting when people are so paranoid about you restricting/exercising, but try to remember that your mom just wants her girl alive and healthy. she loves you so much, and i think her being extra-suspicious is just because she's so scared for you.
    that said, you need your space. maybe talk to her about it. your life is yours, and while you do have a serious illness, having more freedom at home could be the best thing for your recovery. as you said, so much pressure isn't helpful.
    i like this song 'koni' by baaba maal. i have no idea what it means but i had to look up african artists for my music project and i found it. it's really happy.
    i think of you a lot, always wondering how you're going. take care <3

  5. What a tough feel like you're relapsing, and I don't think it makes things easier when your mom treats you as if you are too! I mean, not trusting you to eat your proper number of calories, and then the yogurt suggestion..just little things like that exacerbate an already overwhelming time for you! I hope you can find some freedom and also a renewed sense of DESIRE for recovery, I know it can wane sometimes, but you've got to keep going! Everything looks yummy!

  6. tori hun,
    you need to find something to do to keep you occupied. if you have too much time then the ED will come back even stronger and you're chances of relapsing are greater. seriously. i was there too. do you want to walk down that road over and over again? NO! hunny you're 20! i'm not saying your old at all but you need to start living. really its such an amazing life out there. its been 6 years for you. please fight this and put it in the past. you deserve so much better.
    even if its just volunteering or something where you dont get a lot of money. at least you feel like you have a purpose you know.
    stay strong

  7. Heej Tori,
    I can see, from the comments above, that lots of people can relate to the issues you're having with your mother.
    I never comment on blogs, but I've been trying to recover (again). I've been reading your blog lately and it's helped me a lot(actually also made me want to blog, but I'm too shy and not that interesting :P).
    Reading it, makes me want to recover more. Today I've had a major fight with my mom, I had to force myself to eat. I just CANNOT eat when I'm mad or people are mad at me: my throat just literally swells up, but I did anyway. My parents are almost always mad at me, or ignoring me so if I only eat when they're happy and I'm happy... well, you get the picture.
    Tomorrow, I'm going to therapy for the first time. I hope I can stay strong like you.
    P.S. I might even take some of the tips from above, cause I really do need a purpose or at least someone...