Today was a therapy day. Always fun. I used to dread going entirely, but now I rather look forward to it. I really do like my therapist quite a bit - he gets me and I can talk to him about anything - even all my girly issues with boys and whatnot. Its nice. I used to hate going because when I was still desperately underweight and barely keeping myself alive - I always felt very nervous and afraid of being judged. I admit, I was also afraid that eventually patience with me would run out and I would be forced into another treatment program. I am so, so glad that he had faith in me and gave me the chance to turn things around on my own. If not for that chance, I don't think I ever would have gotten to where I am now mentally, and I don't think I would have ever started to find myself again.
Breakfast: Oat bran cooked in Bolthouse Farms Vanila Chai latte with ground flax and half a banana. Stirred in 1/4 cup raisins and some almonds, topped with granola, trail mix, and the rest of my banana. On the side, I also had cottage cheese with blackberry jam and cinnamon toast, and a glass of plum juice. Crunchy/creamy oats are starting to become a new favorite combination of mine. And it always looks so pretty!
Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, mix of triple berry and pecan granolas, dried figs, agave nectar.Alongside was about half a cup of orange juice. This was a big morning snack. I think I need to stop purposely making my afternoon snacks smaller on the days I have therapy. Then I end up having to eat more earlier in the day and it does make it a bit more challenging. On the bright side - I haven't orange juice in ages, so having some this morning was like a real treat.
Fortunately, my lunch was a bit lighter and not too heavy feeling.
Avocado and cucumber sandwich. Cottage cheese with some mixed raw vegetables, sliced apple, and apple juice.
Lunch dessert was something that I had been slightly intimidated by, not sure why - perhaps just the flavor seemed too decadent. But since they were on sale (like $1 each at Shaws) I decided to give it a go.
I didn't realize this had actual chocolate chips in it. So since it was chilly, I nuked it in the mircowave for a few seconds. Made it a bit messy and I felt a bit silly, but good nonetheless. Definitely not going to heat it up again lest I intend to use a fork.
Afternoon snack was travel style for therapy purposes.
Vanilla Chobani, ground flax, cinnamon and strawberries.
Now I know what you all are thinking - "That can't be near enough calories, can it?" Well, my therapist thought the same thing. Until, I whipped out a portion of this:
Green & Black's cherry dark chocolate (a la Jemima totally get why you love this stuff girl)
Oh man. I wish I could express in words the look on that man's face. It was so, so great. I brought some extra squares so I could share. It was too funny though - he was absolutely elated that I had thought to do that. Therapy went really well today. I told him about my fears for the future, but also how I had been trying to keep myself focusing more on what's going on right now. Basically, the advice he gave me was that if I've dealt with and survived this much so far in life, there really isn't anything else that I won't be able to handle. To have someone who's on the outside, looking in say that really meant a lot to me and I took him very seriously. Still pondering on it now actually.
Dinner was my own version of tuna casserole made with whole wheat pasta, ground flax, tuna and ricotta cheese with sweet peas, and mixed broccoli and green beans with olive oil. I also had the rest of my vegetable servings (because 1/2 cup of peas really is a lot more than one might expect) on the side.
Apple cinnamon rice cake with Nutella. I know, I'm weird - I eat my rice cakes cut in half. But I do have a whole one. The other half had already suffered its insurmountable fate.
Yeah, you can TOTALLY tell I had my period when I was making up this meal plan. Chocolate three times in one day. hehehe. Good times though, good times. Every bite was "See that, I can eat whatever I damn well please and still get what I need during the day. I don't need all those stupid rules." It was challenging but it felt really good to be able to say that to myself.
Nighttime snack: Pumpkin oats with brown sugar, cinnamon, cinnamon roll coffee cream, raisins, and cinnamon swirl peanut butter. Ah, the perfect warm and comforting end to this otherwise cold and dreary day.
To be honest, I have been feeling a bit anxious today. Tomorrow marks my 5-day allowance and if I haven't gained, I'll be increasing again. I feel really torn between hoping to gain, and hoping not. Sometimes I still feel so uncomfortable when the scale goes up and I just want to go back to the way I was. Other times, I feel frustrated and like I just want this to be done with so I can start living my life. I know the latter is definitely a much healthier thought to have. I'm trying to keep myself mentally prepared for the absolute worst thing that I think could happen, so in case it does, I won't be entirely overwhelmed and upset again. Tomorrow morning, my mom and I are going to Starbucks for breakfast, so I'm sure that is where a good deal of my anxiety is coming from. Don't get me wrong - I'm really excited to be pushing myself to do this. I don't want to chicken out. But I have to admit, part of my brain is like "Was it really the smartest idea to plan to go out to eat on the same day you have to check in?" :sigh: I think too much. No matter what happens, I am eating going out to breakfast tomorrow and it will be beautiful. Sitting on the outdoors patio, next to the main road early in the morning with the cars buzzing by as the sun is still rising. That is what I must think of. Not just the bold, towering meaning of what each step forward is, but the small, wonderful things in any experience that make it so worth doing.
I hope everyone has a beautiful day and that its enjoyed to the fullest. Something I've found myself saying a lot lately is "This life is mine for the taking as long as I'm willing to reach for it." I don't know why, but telling myself that makes me feel stronger and more confident. It helps me remember to take advantage of what I have now, while its still here. Let us not waste anymore time worrying on things that may or may not happen, and just learn to love ourselves for what we do have. I think that would be the greatest thing to be able to do someday. Someday, it won't just be something to look foward to in the future - someday will become today.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago