Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thursday and some art.(4.30.09)

Today has been a bit of a struggle for me, I admit. I don't really know why. The ED thoughts haven't been teribly present per say, but the OCD-like habits have been making me feel crazy. I'm working on picking one habit every few days to try to cease. But certain things do make me rather anxious. Its like in my head, doing certan things makes eating "okay" even though I know its entirely absurd. Like having to walk around the kitchen five times before sitting down, or having to have everything arranged a certain way, or take a certain number of bites before having a sip of water. I mean really. My eating disorder is very, very obsessive-compulsive. I suppose a therapist would say the lack of stability I felt in my home growing up caused me to develop aforementioned habits as a means to gain some twisted sense of control and continuity. Today - I challenged myself and ceased a few of those weird habits. I suppose that's were a bit of my anxiety is coming from? I'm not sure. But I know it will be better tomorrow. If I can go one day, I can go a million. Even though it caused initial anxiety, it feels a lot more normal and on some level, I am happier because of it.

Breakfast: Bircher-muesli! God it seems like everyone had this for breakfast today. Mine was 5-grain cereal soaked overnight in vanilla soy, mixed with 1/2 cup BearNaked granola in the morning, then plopped into a Stonyfield peach yogurt. Added a rather large sliced banana, almonds and creamy peanut butter on top. This was the first peach yogurt I've had in AGES. It was good ^.^ I also had a glass of plum juice on the side.

I had to go emergency-grocery shopping for my mom this morning, and I kind of forgot to take a picture of my morning snack. But it was really good! I had cottage cheese with golden raisins, agave nectar, and a cashew cookie larabar. I crumbled a bit of the bar into the cottage cheese - soo good. Made it taste like really soft cookie dough I think.

Lunch was a new combination too. Sprouted grain bread with roasted red pepper hummus and a good wedge of firm tofu. On the side I had green beans and tomato with dressing and a sliced gala apple. I think hummus + tofu is going to be a new favorite combo for sandwiches.

Afternoon snack: Plain yogurt mixed with cottage cheese, topped with strawberries and orange marmalade. OK, I didn't *really* think I'd like the combination of yogurt and cottage cheese - but it was actually really good. It totally changed the texture and made the yogurt really thick.

Dinner: grilled tilapia with lemon-garlic dressing, bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, sweet peas and broccoli dressed with olive oil. Ok. This meal sincerely reminded me as to why I'm not a fan of meat. Slowly but surely - I will retain my full-time vegetarianism. Until then, its fish buried with spoonfuls of veggies and grains.

Snack before bed was something new. I admit, I was a bit intimidated, but it was delish and I think it will become a new treat. It was oatbran cooked with vanilla creme coffee, canned pumpkin, and cinnamon topped with chocolate chips. Yay for something new! I thought I was going to miss my PB-oats, and while I think I still prefer peanut butter as a topping to chocolate - it was definitly good for a little change.

I have three days until I speak at the assembly. I'm getting a little nervous. I keep walking around the house talking outloud to myself while no one is home, trying to figure out what I should say, what I need to say. I know when I get on the stage, all planning will be shot to hell anyways. But hopefully I will have some sort of general direction for myself to go in.

Now, I've mentioned art before, but never posted anything. So here's a painting of mine from not too too long ago:

This is acrylics and clay on canvas. I'm really proud of this painting in particular as its a finger-painting. I used brushes to lay down the base coat but did everything else with my fingers and fingertips.

This one is from my portfolio from college in 2007 actually. Ball-point pen and white drawing paper. Will have to get around to taking more photos of more recent works. But these are some things I had on the computer already.

Looking at my artwork makes me a bit sad though - it reminds me of why I truly did deserve that scholarship to Pratt. Which then leads me to be so angry at myself for letting that relapse in the fall of 2006 happen, for not trying harder to fix it on my own. I wonder sometimes what my life would have been like if I hadn't relapsed that year - if I had believed in myself enough to gain the weight back on my own, if I had taken my friends there seriously when they wanted to feed me. I try very hard not to regret my past but I lost so very much in such a short period of time. I know that my experiences are what made me the person I am today, and I know that person is good and can help other people. But sometimes, I wish I could go back and help myself instead. Is that selfish of me? I feel selfish when I think that way. I guess I'll just have to trust that this is the way things were meant to be, and that one of these days I will find my place. I just hope its sooner rather than later. I am begining to feel lost without any real sense of direction anymore. :sigh: I hope I find something soon.

Well, its getting late. Hope everyone has a beautiful Friday!


  1. Wow Tori, your artwork is wonderful! I love to paint esp. with acrylics but I've never thought to add clay to the canvas. I'm all excited to try now :) I'm sorry that the ocd urges were strong today. My e.d. is also all about those rituals and the best thing I can do is to beat one at a time, or set a time limit for certain things. Have you ever thought about reapplying for a scholarship? You are obviously immensely talented. I know it is tough thinking about how we wished things could have been. But think of all the insight you have on yourself. You know more about you than most 40 year olds know about themselves. You just had your tough times earlier than most. Hang in there! -Jamie

  2. now i see exactly why you got that scholarship! i especially like the pen drawing. if it's what you enjoy doing, you should continue with your art. you would be extremely successful.
    it's not selfish of you to want to help your (past) self. i guess regrets are impossible to avoid, but as you said, they have made you into who you are. it's really sad that you did miss out on pratt, and the loss you experienced is so hard, but there are things that no amount of time off school can take away - like your talent for art, for instance. you can always make something of it in the present, and in the future. it's okay to wish things had turned out differently - everyone does it, and we can't help it. try not to beat yourself up. i'm not naive about it, because i know exactly the feeling of having no purpose, but i think that either something will come eventually, or if it doesn't, we will have to create a purpose of our own. many things are only born out of necessity... just keep living as best you can until the time comes. i hope you have a lovely day, and that the anxiety settles a bit. don't worry too much about the assembly - i know you will speak beautifully and inspire those who are listening. take care,

  3. I'm sorry you've been a bit down lately, but I know that things will get better! I think it's a good idea to practice talking out loud about your experience, just to have something to run off of, but it sounds like when you're on stage you really come alive and that spontaneity really makes it more interesting! GREAT art, you are so talented!

    "I suppose a therapist would say..." <--- lol it's kind of funny how good those of us in ED recovery get at predicting that sort of thing, we really learn how to think like a therapist!

  4. Hey there ... just wanted to say that your painting is absolutely beautiful. I think I'm in love with it! ;)

    I hope your anxiety ceases soon!!

    <3 <3