Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thursday anyone?

So today was D-Day. More like w-day I suppose. Still have two pounds left to make it to my current goal. :sigh: Another week at 3600. I'm starting to get really anxious over it. My head is screaming at me that I'd better figure a plan for Monday at my maintenance calories *just in case* I magically gain aforementioned two pounds between now and then. However unlikely that may be. I really don't care to make myself two meal plans up for the same damn day, but if it will ease my fears and make ED shut the hell up, I'll do it. Even if it may inherently make me crazy. I don't know. Part of me is afraid that I won't even be able to plan at lower calories now (right ED! because we so don't know how to do that...) But, as horrible as this sounds, I am rather tired of constantly having to eat and feeling so full. The eating all the time isn't too too bad, though it does tend to interfere with my social agenda. I don't mind bringing food with me when I go out anymore though. Now its just that my fullness makes me self-conscious and afraid to leave the house and have people see me. Sometimes I don't even know if its really that I'm all that full - I think it may be psychosomatic. That frustrates me to no end. Slowly working on it and it has gotten a bit better over time.

All in all though, today was much better than yesterday. Perhaps the wonderful sunshine we had today helped? I tend to think so.

Breakfast was a kind of new-kind of not combination. Most enjoyable though.

In my bowl: cuppa Kashi Autumn Wheat, 1/4 cup each Bearnaked granola, trail mix, and dried figs, small handful almonds, sliced banana, 6oz Vanilla Chai latte topped with a tablespoon of creamy natural PB. On the side: Cottage cheese with some extra figs, glass of plum juice. I nuked the shake in the microwave before pouring it over all my cereal ^.^ I think that this is the best non-hot cooked cereal I've come up with.

Midmorning snack: Fage 2% with mixed nut granola, raisins and agave nectar. I haven't had Fage with raisins in forever, forgot how much I liked it. I also had a slice of cinnamon toast on the side but it really wasn't worth photographing. Though I do recommend spreading some Greek yogurt and raisins onto your toast.

Lunch was a few scoops of mashed avocado with cucumber on Ezekial bread. On the side there is more mixed raw veggies with cottage cheese, a sliced gala apple and a juice box. Lunch dessert was....

Cherry Pie larabar. Its up there in my faves, though not at the top. But since I can still find this flavor and apple pie at CVS, I'll probably be having them a lot until I bite the bullet and order some online.

The picture of my afternoon snack isn't terrible attractive. But it was Dorset Berries n Cherries muesli with ground flax, soaked in 1/2 cup of vanilla soy milk. I nuked it in the microwave this afternoon and added a handful of almonds and more soy milk whilst drinking the rest on the side. Different but yummy.

Dinner: Bulgur wheat with hummus,ground flax, green pepper, peas and a tilapia fillet with peppered seasoning. Also - green beans and broccoli with olive oil. Wasn't sure I could fit everything onto one plate (plus some things were left overs, others just cooked - so not everything needed heating)thus different cups.
Dinner dessert wasn't entirely photographed. In addition to a vanilla chobani, I had a few more of these:

I have to be truthful: I really like this stuff. The serving is actually 6 squares, but I think three is just enough for me. Perhaps one day I'll make it a challenge to myself and go for a full serving? I probably should, just to kick ED in the ass. Plus, I'm beginning to feel like I need to challenge myself with so many more things before I reach my goal. As silly as that may sound. Logically I know, I can still challenge myself with fear foods even when I'm maintaining my weight. But it is much easier to allow yourself that chocolate or that muffin when you have the "I need to gain" mentality.

Nightime snack was my signature pumpkin oats with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. Always good after a long day.

All in all, today was much better than yesterday. I am grateful for that. I hope things will start to fall into place soon though. I hate to be negative, but I have spent literally about a year cooped up and confined. I need a change, desperately. I don't know what is going to happen to me if I don't find it soon. I am trying my best not to think or worry too much about the future, it only enables ED to make me afraid. And I don't want that to happen anymore. I just...I've been saying this for awhile but I don't know how much more of this homebound life I can take. It feels so unreal. I wake up each morning and wonder to myself "Is this really all that's left of my life? Can this be real? Will it ever change?" I suppose some part of me believes it will get better. But other times, I become afraid that my parents will assume any assertion of independence on my part is me trying to escape recovery and return back to my death bed. I am so afraid of scaring them again, of putting them through any unneccessary fear or anxiety - it is costing me my own life. It occurs to me that while I may not be starving myself anymore, I am still punishing myself for being an imperfect daughter and for causing them grief. When I was younger, I tried to make myself disappear from the radar because I didn't want to be a burden. Now, I eliminate myself from my world and my life for the same reason.
I think as soon as I figure out how to feed myself without losing weight, I need to leave home. Even if just for a few months. I just...I can't spend my life being afraid of upsetting my family, afraid of causing them any distress. I cannot live under their roof and their rules - I am terrified their hovering and secluding me will initiate another relapse. I don't know where I will go, but I will find somewhere. And hopefully, somewhere will bring a sense of peace and happiness.

Hope everyone enjoys their Friday.


  1. Hey Tori! Woo I'm the first to comment! First of all, way to go on the starbucks! I've had both of those before, they're good, though I wish they used full fat yogurt and could make your oats in milk or soy :p
    I do have some questions/ suggestions for you and I hope you don't mind. Is it that you're 2 lbs away from a short term goal? Because from what I remember you were severely underweight and had quite a ways to go. I know trying to get down so many calories and mentally dealing with the gaining is really hard so i totally understand wanting to take a break and adjust because I've done that too, just make sure you don't let yourself get comfortable at an underweight level and then stay there (I'm remedying that now because I've spent wayy too long at a just barely healthy bmi)
    I also know 3600 is a lot to take in no matter which way you do it but it is good for you to learn to be more flexible, especially because having a social life is neccesary for our emotional recovery. I do carry food with me because I need to eat more often than everyone, but meals out with friends or meals cooked by other people are great too and generally a good way to get in extra cals. You're also still eating ultra healthy, which you can continue doing but maybe trying changing some things up. I do still suggest going to full fat fage or any of the other sweetened greek yogurts, and your meals themselves are still very veggie heavy and undressed veggies at that, have you thought of sauteeing some in butter or olive oil? spreading some mayo on the sandwiches, roasting tomatoes or other veggies in olive oil in the oven is soooo good, particularly sweet potato fries! little changes like that will be good challenges and help you not feel so full.
    Good luck with the weigh in and meal planning! you know where to find me if you want to talk, and I hope everything else is going great!

  2. it's okay to be negative sometimes. i think you know what's right for you - if you need to move out when the time comes, then, do it.
    i agree about the 'i need to gain' mentality. but technically when you reach your short-term goal, while you may be maintaining, you kind of still do need to gain. and that's okay. but regardless of weight, challenging yourself is helpful to recovery in the long run.
    your breakfast looks amazing, wow.
    when i had my first-in-a-long-time chocolate the other week (if that makes sense) it was green & black's, and it was the same serving as your picture. 6 definitely would be a challenge but 3 is a good start.
    i'm sorry you're feeling down love. one day you'll move out and be free of your family's rules - hopefully free of ED's rules, too. you will find that peace one day, and i hope it's soon. thinking of you,

  3. Pumpkin oats! YUM! I'm sorry you're struggling with feeling full, and that it's interfering with your social life but I'm SO GLAD that it hasn't stopped you! Keep it up, you seem really motivated and that's very inspiring! I'm really happy that today was better than yesterday, too!

  4. tori love,
    please try not think of yourself as a burden to your family. you do not need to move out unless you want to. i struggle with the exact same thought and i am one year older than you and i still live at home and haven't really achieved anything except for trying to come out of this mess. but you know what? i'm sure your parents are so glad to have you at home as long as you are on the right track. you are their child and they love you with all their heart. and you are not causing them any harm when they can see that you are taking care of youself like you are doing now. just be strong and walk this path out of the ED. you will feel so much more positive and wake up in the morning thinking 'wow what a beautful day. i'm alive, i'm happy and i can do what i want to do today. i am free and i am TORI!'
    you have so much going for you in life but you need to give life a chance before you can see all these things. if you dont try you'll never know just how amazing your life will be

  5. Hi Tori,
    I know you're probably a bit sick of hearing it and you don't believe it quite yet, but you really are such an inspiration. I know I don't know you personally or much about you or your life, but the past few weeks, I've read your blog everyday and am CONTINUALLY encouraged by it. I don't want you to think I'm a weirdo and follow what you eat or anything but just seeing all the wonderful combinations of foods and the MASSIVE steps you've taken just actually keeps me going, and encourages me to mix foods together and try new things. So, take this and every other compliment all your followers give you everyday and store them in your head and when ED wakes up; fire them in his face!!!
    Keep inspiring!!!
    Love, Rose xo

  6. Hi Tori... I was starting to feel like a stalker so thought I'd say "hello" and that I am reading even if I don't comment! (I lurk on CC and messaged you ages ago about Cornell). it's really inspiring to see how hard you are fighting this. I have never tried the cherry pie larabar- so far only PB and coconut cream pie. I have a few in my fridge to work through! I know you warm yours- have you ever tried them chilled?