Thursday, April 9, 2009


I can at least say today, it was beautiful outside. Definitly cheered me up a lot and helped me get through the day. It hasn't really been hard per say, but I hate this stupid stress fracture. Feeling immobile makes me crazy as I am naturally a very active, on-the-go person. So, its very frustrating for me. I can deal with it and everything, sure. But its still a pain. Overall though, today was pretty good despite all of my impatience with the whole healing process bit.

A friend who is currently trying to shoot for the same kind of calorie-needs I have requested that I post the amount of calories I'm eating at a given meal sometimes. If anyone finds this triggering, please let me know and I will remove the numbers immediately. I must warn you - my breakfast meal in particular may be a bit jaw-dropping.

Breakfast this morning was a new concoction of mine - Crunchy Banana Raisin Oatbran.

In the mix: 1/4 cup oat bran, 1/4 cup raisins, and half a large banana cooked in 8oz Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai Latte. After cooking, I stirred in 1/4 cup triple berry granola and about a dozen almonds, then added the rest of my banana sliced, another 1/4 cup granola on top. Followed by two tablespoons of cottage cheese and a spoonful of blueberry preserves. I also had 8oz of plum juice and a half cup of sliced strawberries on the side. Entire Breakfast total: 1,110 calories.

This breakfast was really good. Definitely something I would have again, it wasn't too filling it all, especially given the calories of it. Cooking only 1/4 cup oat bran in the cup of liquid made it much softer and creamier than how I usually do it (1/2 cup to to 1 cup liquid), so it seemed totally different.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2%, sprinkle of ground flax, 1/4 cup dried and chopped figs, 1/4 cup Bear Naked trail mix, and another dozen almonds with about half a tablespoon of honey. Oh, my namesake I know - almonds and honey! always my favorite. Anyways, total there is about 510-515 calories. Wow. I hadn't realized how big that snack was. :shrugs: Oh well. I like my almonds and honey and I will have it if I want to. I've noticed myself forming a sort of rigidty with how many calories I can eat when. So the fact that I ran out of almonds this morning, couldn't locate my other container first thing in the AM (because I eat with my mom before she goes to work, its a bit rushy) and just add the rest to my AM snack was definitely a good thing even if it stressed me a little.

Lunch: Two scoops mashed avocado with some sliced cucumber on Ezekial bread. Rest of my cucumber slices (1/2 cup total) with 1/2 a sliced tomato, 1/4 cup cottage cheese and a half cup green beans. 1 sliced green apple. Also unpictured was an apple juice box.
Lunch dessert:

Brownie-style, heated in the microwave <3
Lunch total: 630

Afternoon snack: Vanilla Chobani with 1/4 cup BearNaked fruit and nut granola and box of golden raisins. Total: 350
I was really disappointed with my yogurt this afternoon - it was super thin and watery, not at all like it should be. That seems to happen sometimes with my Chobanis, occasionally the consistency is totally not like Greek yogurt usually is. Its rather disconcerting - I never know if that means something is wrong with it or not. :shrugs: I still eat it though, since it usually tastes fine.
After snack today, my mom and I went to the store to buy sympathy cards. Her friend's brother died, and we are going to the wake on Monday afternoon. We also stopped by the aisle in the grocery store where they sell Larabars. They were 20% off the usual two for three, but only had like four flavors (and only two that I really cared for). Apparently, they are no longer going to be selling them. It was the only store near by that sold them. I'm a bit at a loss now, as they were kind of a rather big help to me for getting calories in. The only alternative I've found as far as lunch dessert goes is dark chocolate, but I really don't think I could handle eating that every day. On the bright side, we stocked up on cashew cookie and cocoa mole. And because it was on sale too and my mom insisted it was something I just had to try because she loved, I bought my first Green and Black's bars today (special was 2 for $3) My mom has this next week off, so we are going to go down to the beach one day this week, smoke some cigarettes on the sea wall, drink some coffee and enjoy dark chocolate. heh. I look forward to it actually.

Dinner went pretty well. It was 1/2 cup whole wheat pasta with some greens and olive oil.,1/2 cup mock-tuna salad (made with canned tuna and part-skim ricotta cheese) 1/2 cup peas, one cup broccoli-mixed veggies and 8oz vanilla soymilk. I did eventually mix most of this together to make tuna casserole. Its still a challenge for me to mix foods together so it takes a bit of time each night for me to actually go through with it.
Dinner dessert:

Cinnamon rice cake with nutella. Almost forgot about the photo, but I swear it was a whole one.
Dinner total: 630 calories.

And last but certainly not least,

Pumpkin pie oatmeal. 1/3 cup 5-grain hot cereal, 1/2 cup canned pumpkin, 1 tsp cinnamon, 2 tsp brown sugar, 1 TBS cinnamon bun coffee creamer. Topped with a good heaping spoonful of raisins and a tablespoon of cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter.
Snack total: 370

Grand Total for the Day: 3600. Mind you, those numbers were approximations, jsut because I like the look of a round number better, don't you?
But there we have it. It is entirely doable. And oddly enough, I don't really find it all that difficult to eat that much. I mean, yes I am full most of the day and don't ever really feel hungry for anything other than breakfast. But I don't ever feel like I felt when I was inpatient - never that sickly full feeling. I think its because I load most of my calories into breakfast and then the rest of the day is pretty easy. i eat breakfast around 6AM or 6:30, so I have a good distance between it and my morning snack (nearly four hours) and that is the longest span of time I have between meals/snacks - so making breakfast huge has really worked for me. Plus, for me personally, getting such a huge chunk of calories out of the way really relieves a lot of anxiety. I know its over and done with and I don't have to worry about getting those calories in somewhere else.

Today has been a good day I think. I feel slightly overwhelmed by a lot of things going on right now, in my head and in my life. Its just hard when I feel like I don't have the solutions or the answers to my own questions about myself. I also will admit, I am becoming more and more afraid of getting to my goal. When I got to X weight around this time last year, I came home from Cornell and dropped to my lowest weight ever within six weeks. I am terrified that I will relapse again. And I know my history. Every relapse I have had has progressively gotten worse and worse. I know in my heart that if I ever relapse again, I will not survive it. I know myself well enough to know that I would not stop at X, I would have to get even lower. And I know if I ever go lower than that weight, it will indefinitly kill me. I am very afraid of this happening, afraid of it becoming out of my control. I have felt rather haunted today, with memories of the times when my eating disorder was really bad, of days spent in inpatient. I thought about the things I was told about my health, things that no 15,16,19 year old should ever have to hear. I remembered that night when my heart stopped and didn't start again. I woke up in my hospital bed to my favorite shirt cut open, lights shining in my eyes and the sounds of my roommate screaming and the defibrulator charging. I was sixteen years old and I had already died. This happened again when I was 19 last year. For longest time, I was afraid to go to sleep after that - afraid that I wouldn't wake up. Oddly enough, when I am relapsing, all I want to do is go to sleep so I can pray I won't wake up.
I am sorry to be so depressing. I don't know why these memories keep coming back to me. I wish I could make them stop. But its like its never going to leave me. I think perhaps facing mortality at such a young age changed me, as it would change anyone. But most people don't seem to understand that this kind of self-inflicted destruction does more than just hurt your body. Its like it stays with you, in your head, in your heart. I carry it with me, the fact that I nearly killed myself with my own excessive habits, multiple times. Its in the back of my head, with every choice I make and with everything I do. In a way, I suppose its good because I will never take a day on this earth for granted. At the same time though, I think it has made me slightly jaded. Maybe its just one of those days where I've thought too much about everything. I hope so.

Hope everyone has a great Friday - Good Friday to be correct I suppose.


  1. Don't be sorry--you have every right to your feelings, and certainly good cause to be afraid! Even without dropping weight, we're at a point where our body's have been put through "so much" that they can only hang on so long. It's not even about a threshold low weight--it's about how long they can survive underweight, period. It's weird, but it can be riskier 20lbs heavier just because you've been X lbs under a healthy weight for so long, whether that's 10 or 50. Not having your natural period, being under the bmi range, etc---it all means your body's making sacrifices to survive, and it can only do that so long.
    I guess I'm only feeding your worries, but what I'm trying to do is just encourage you--we HAVE to do this! We can't stick to "old comforts" or we will be dead. Or permanently tied on machines or crumbling.
    We have so much more in store for life...let's get over the "big" hurdles and progress to places we've never been before: once we get there the payoff will outweigh the natural tendacy to want to stick to the old secure in ED "underweight" whatever that weight is.

    On a lighter note, have you tried any other bars? I can't afford bars on a regular basis, but I always check out the sales in the bar aisle. Just this last time I got to try these prana bars. They are the same idea as a lara bar, fruit/nut pure ingredients, but actually slightly more calories. Boomi bars are the same idea. Cliff bars are pretty good too, though I can't tolerate the soy in them, sadly. :(

  2. god tori you really are amazing you know,
    when you're haunted by all those past memories just flash to your current progress and how unbelievable you're doing. forget the weight and think about gaining the health and life of your organs back. you need to do this and you are doing it. you don't need inpatient this time or ever again because you're ready. please don't forget that. we all have faith in you and your self determination is sooo motivating to me every single day.
    keep on going girl, you found a way to make things work so roll with it. don't let the idea of a relapse haunt you because you don't need that crap right now- you need continue seeing an amazing future that's in front of you with every day you complete instead of the past.
    have a lovely night and great morning and i'm always here;)

  3. You have made HUGE progress and being able to recognize those thoughts and being aware of the fact that you are so worth the fight speaks wonders. We all know what it feels like to be at the bottom and close to death and now we all deserve to know what it feels like to really be healthy and fueled. WE ARE ALL WORTH THAT!

  4. I remember the 3 or so times that I almost died like it was yesterday. I was sick beyond help with anorexia 25+ years ago. Now my bmi is 21, I'm married and have had 4 children. I eat as normally (but super healthy) as anyone I know. The crazy thoughts may never go away, but you can change the anorexic behavior and regain the weight. It is so worth it! I still have teeth problems (due to poor bone density in my jaw), but my bones are good. FYI, I ate 3500 cal for 4 years to regain my weight. I focused on low volume, calorie dense foods that were healthy. I ate huge breakfasts, like you do. You are so on the right path. Just continue on and don't give up. I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore. That didn't stop until 10 or so years ago.

  5. I'm just a random bypasser, but I just want to say, your newfound motivation, and your daily menu, are truly inspirational! I love how you really seem to love to eat the food now, and I must say, your meals look mighty delicious! As long as there's this new outlook on food as something nutritious, nourishing, and fulfilling, then there will eventually be an end to anorexic thoughts. Don't give up! I love reading your journal just for tips on yummy meals!

  6. Don't apologize, you can say whatever you want on your blog. I can relate to your fear of relapsing. I've not been through nearly as much as you, but sometimes I feel like it was so easy for me to get to my lowest that I could just slip and get there again. I'm not trying to tell you that this is the right thing to do! You've made a tremendous amount of progress in the past few months, and you have a lot to look forward to. You're so motivated and have gained other things back besides your weight. Like your art, and your personality. ED is not worth losing those, or any more of your future.

    On a different note, delicious eats! Your chai tea latte oat bran seems really good. Oh, you should try making your own Larabars! It's really easy, as long as you have a food processor. There are some great recipes on Oh She Glows.

    Enjoy your Friday, love!

  7. I am sorry to hear those last paragraphs. But look on the bright side, all of the fun food that you get to try every day! You probably appreciate it all alot more than most do. Hope tomorrow is well.