Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wednesday 4/22

Sorry for not posting yesterday loves. I was really busy and just didn't really have it in me at the end of the day. Yesterday was a long day, don't really know why. I guess that happens sometimes though. I was a bit stressed due to some complications with friends, and people who just can't seem to grasp the word "no". :sigh: Oh well. I know, what crosses I bear, right?

Breakfast: Multi-grain cereal cooked in vanilla soy with sliced banana (half cooked in, half on top), dried figs, and two tablespoons of creamy peanut butter. On the side there is a glass of plum juice, and cottage cheese with orange marmalade.

Mid-morning snack: Fage 2% with BearNaked granola, agave nectar and golden raisins

Lunch: White Chocolate Wonderful and blueberry preserves, mixed veggies with dressing, and cottage cheese with strawberries. I haven't had a white chocolate PB sandwich in a while, actually PBJ in general - this was soo good. ED was trying to make me afraid of it so I decided I needed to have it today. I nuked it up in the microwave since it was rather cold and dreary today - it was just the trick to warm me up. It felt like a real treat.

I got my hair cut today, I'm really proud of myself. My ED hates when I do things that make me feel good that also require sitting still and doing nothing for half an hour. But I feel a lot better about myself when I don't have shaggy skater boy hair. And that's what it starts to look like when it grows out - a cross between the skater boy flip and a white-girl 'fro.

I don't have a picture of my afternoon snack, I was cutting it really close getting to my therapy appointment on time, so I had to neglect my picture-taking duties. But it was a vanilla yogurt with crushed almonds and cinnamon. Quite good. Therapy went really well. Also, I am indeed going to speak at the unLearn assembly in May. Woo. I don't know exactly how in detail I am allowed to get, or how *ahem* graphic I can be, but I want to be as real as possible and I don't want to sugar coat my experiences. I have no problem disclosing the horrendous details of what I've been through in all aspects. Which may seem weird - but I tend to want to make people understand that this illness is not just a fashion trend, its real and its damaging in so many ways, more than just physical. I remember last Janurary, I was still in school. It was the first day of my psychology class. The heat in the building wasn't working well, or maybe it was. But it was 20 degrees outside. I had on two layers of pants, two sweaters and my winter coat, while sitting in the classroom. My fingertips were still turning blue, and I was still shivering. I remember the chair was really uncomfortable, digging into my spine and tailbone, but I was too afraid to move. I literally sat there frozen in that one spot on the chair, feeling the bruises form along my spinal cord, wanting desperately to curl up in my seat to stay warm, but I was too afraid to move. I feared that if I moved, it might make a noise and people would look at me. Thinking about that now, I realize how horrible that feeling was - being petrified to draw any amount of attention to myself. It paralyzed me. Of course, the immense and impenetrable cold was also quite horrific. I used to wear sweat pants with leggings underneath, a thermal shirt and a hoodie around the house. Once the sun went down, I still needed to curl up on the sofa for hours with the heating pad in order to retain some sense of warmth. I think those are things that help me stay on track - I remember those times and how pathetic and worn I felt. It helps remind me why I don't want to go back.

Anyways, on to dinner!

Dinner featured bulgur wheat with roasted red pepper hummus, corn, sweet peas, broccoli, tofu and olive oil. I know this will sound silly, but corn is a fear food of mine so I feel really proud of myself for eating it. I actually planned it in for a few days in a row so I can really conquer the fear. My theory on fear foods is that anyone can do something once, its doing it multiple times that makes it really challegning, and thats also how you move past the fear. So my meals will have a splash of yellow thrown in for a few days.

Nightly snack: my current favorite - oats with chopped apple, cinnamon, brown sugar, vanilla caramel coffee creamer, and a tablespoon of cinnamon raisin peanut butter. yum.

I counted. Today I had five tablespoons of peanut butter. Oh man. You know, I just smashed ED's rule about "one serving per day" into the grave. And I just realized, I've been challenging myself more and more frequently without even realizing it. Amazing. I just decided "well I've been afraid of this so I'll try it." "Well ED says I can't do this so damnit I will" and those things build up. And it really does start to feel really freeing. Today was a pretty good day and I felt pretty good about everything. I am glad for that, after yesterday's dulldrums. Kinda weird too, given that today was equally gray and rainy. But I won't question a better mood.

Hope you all had a lovely Wednesday.


  1. I had a white chocolate wonderful and blueberry preserves sandwich yesterday too!!!

    Ah it was so amazing, I should have nuked it in the microwave though, definitely trying that next time!

    I'm glad that you try and recall those times to help you push forward....I too, ALWAYS felt cold, and even when it wasn't even cold out I was shivering! Keep pushing forward girl!

  2. I can't wait to hear how your speaking gig goes! Awesome for going for 5 tbsp of PB today, screw ED's arbitrary rules! Ugh I had horrible experiences with feeling FREEZING all the time and it was probably the most uncomfortable side effect of my ED. I'm so glad that you don't feel so intolerably freezing now! Yay corn! I'm happy you're working that into your meals! Sorry to hear about the people who can't take no for an answer...idiots!

  3. while recognising that you don't want to go back is really good, you should also know that you do not DESERVE that pain. you deserve the opposite - a bright and rewarding and disorder-free life. every step you're taking to challenge anorexia is a step towards a happier and healthier life. i don't care if there's quite a way to go - you are fighting hard, and that is a very significant thing.
    congrats for making the decision to speak at unLearn. i know you will be just as inspiring to your audience as you are to us <3 it is
    i'm thinking of you, tori. i hope it's less dreary tomorrow. a bit of sunshine often helps :)

  4. hey hun,
    well done for beating that ED rule. its so funny how once you actually do the things you were so scared of you realise that its actually nothing? do you have that feeling too?
    well done for deciding to speak at unLearn. its a big decision but i am sure it will help you in realising that anoreixa is a really dangerous disease and that its not funny to play around with it.
    have a good day

  5. I'm glad you're going to go through with the unlearn assembly. I can really relate to your story about not wanting to draw any attention to yourself. Maybe it's just because I've suffered in the same way as you, but I could really feel your pain and emotions through the computer. So I'm sure in person you'll make a hugely positive impression on all the kids you're speaking to and make them realize that nothing is worth feeling that horribly self conscious.

    Haha corn was a fear food of mine too, for a while. But it's yummy, no? Great job breaking the PB rule too! Thank you so much for all the support you've given me on my blog. I really admire you and how far you've come so your comments always motivated and inspired me. Much love