Today started out good enough. A friend of mine called me at around 6:45AM because he had woken up early, knew I'd be awake, and he wanted to talk to me. I thought that was really sweet of him. Luckily enough, I was indeed awake and had been up since five, so him calling wasn't a big deal. Midday though, I realized that while the stress fracture in my left foot healed, another one had managed to form in the right. Ouch. I am currently icing it as I type. Feeling better already. I am hoping that this one will heal as quickly as the other did. This really depressed me though - to have these constant little reminders that my body is never going to be as strong as it should be. I can try, and I can get it closer. But it will never be what it could have been, would have been. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of it all. Like weakened bones. ::sigh:: It is something I talk about on occasion, usually on bad days. The fact that the amount of damage I have done to my body given the numerous and increasingly severe relapses I have had is unpredictable and that a good part of it may be irreparable. This frightens me, even on good days. It means I could die in my sleep one of these nights, that one of my organs may just one day decide its had enough and shut down. On most days, this thought only encourages me to live my life right now to best I can. But on harder days, like today, it frightens me and makes me wonder how much longer I'll last even if I recover.
Enough of that though. After that brief depressive period, things did brighten up and the day got better as the sun began to break through the clouds.
Breakfast: Bircher-muesli comprised of the following - 5-grain cereal soaked overnight in apple juice with cinnamon, Oikos Honey Greek yogurt (loved this), sliced banana, dried figs, and topped with trail mix, almonds, crumbled granola bar, and White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butter. This was a new mix for me. Most enjoyable though. Definitly having this or some close-replication of it very soon. Also had toast and plum juice on the side.
Mid-morning snack: cottage cheese with cinnamon, granola, strawberries and honey. also a new mix. I think....next time I have cottage cheese with granola...I definitly need to do a 2:1 ratio. I ended up eating half the granola dry >.<
Lunch: avocado and apple sandwich <3 with cucumber, tomato, rest of the apple and cottage cheese. Also an apple juice box.
Dessert with lunch...
Always a favorite. warmed in the microwave since it snowed this afternoon, I figured a warm treat would be fun.
Afternoon snack: vanilla chobani with fruit and nut mixed granola, and golden raisins.
No picture of dinner - my dad was home. I had leftover repeats - bulgur wheat with hummus, olive oil, greens and mixed veggies. Faux-tuna salad with peas. Vanilla soymilk. Cinnamon rice cake with nutella.
Nighttime snack: Apple pied oats. oats with caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, chopped apple. topped with blackberry jam and cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter. yum. Unfortunately it was a *bit* too hot initially and I think I nearly scalded myself.
I've been feeling a bit guilty lately about how much I have to eat. I try really hard to not compare myself to other people, but its hard sometimes. I tend to feel like I am becoming way too costly to feed. My mom keeps telling me "Its okay sweetie, as long as you're eating and you're getting better, its alright. I don't mind that we have to buy so much food for you. We can afford it, both your father and I have jobs now" But it doesn't always help that much. I tend to feel immensely guilty over it. For a long time, neither of my parents had jobs and things were a lot more tight. I think I am still so used to the mentality of "I don't need that, its okay." that it is going to be hard to break. Actually, thats an "I know", not an "I think" I am trying really hard to not beat myself up over it. And I know I'm really *not* that expensive to feed - it was probably more expensive when I was drinking shakes a few times a day because I couldn't really digest solid food at first than it is now, even though I'm eating many more calories than those early days. I know that thought is purely ED, because the next thought after is usually "It wouldn't be so expensive if I ate less." I know that is my anorexia, trying to worm in. And I am pretty good about not letting it get to me anymore. I just tell myself that this isn't a permanent deal - refeeding is only temporary. But still. Whenever we go grocery shopping - lets say we have ten bags. Well at least eight of those bags are usually filled with food that's mostly only going to be eaten by me. I know I shouldn't think about it like that. I should be proud of myself for continuing to go on with this even when my eating disorder is screaming at me "Why are you still continuing to do this to yourself, what's wrong with you?" But when the cashier looks at you and says "Do you really eat all of this?" its a bit...embarrassing I guess. I don't know, it just made me feel really self-conscious. I guess it took a day to kick in.
I have to give tremendous thanks and hugs to everyone who commented on my post yesterday. You all give me too much credit I think - but it was greatly appreciated nonetheless. You have no idea - I was nearly tearing up this morning as I read through. It really means a lot to me that so many of you think so kindly of me, and all of your words truly lifted me up today when I was feeling a bit down. Everyone I've encountered in the blogworld thus far has been such a great inspiration and motivator for me - its incredible how supportive and encouraging this little network of us all can be. I feel truly lucky to have become part of it.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago