Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wednesday.

Today started out good enough. A friend of mine called me at around 6:45AM because he had woken up early, knew I'd be awake, and he wanted to talk to me. I thought that was really sweet of him. Luckily enough, I was indeed awake and had been up since five, so him calling wasn't a big deal. Midday though, I realized that while the stress fracture in my left foot healed, another one had managed to form in the right. Ouch. I am currently icing it as I type. Feeling better already. I am hoping that this one will heal as quickly as the other did. This really depressed me though - to have these constant little reminders that my body is never going to be as strong as it should be. I can try, and I can get it closer. But it will never be what it could have been, would have been. And now I have to deal with the repercussions of it all. Like weakened bones. ::sigh:: It is something I talk about on occasion, usually on bad days. The fact that the amount of damage I have done to my body given the numerous and increasingly severe relapses I have had is unpredictable and that a good part of it may be irreparable. This frightens me, even on good days. It means I could die in my sleep one of these nights, that one of my organs may just one day decide its had enough and shut down. On most days, this thought only encourages me to live my life right now to best I can. But on harder days, like today, it frightens me and makes me wonder how much longer I'll last even if I recover.

Enough of that though. After that brief depressive period, things did brighten up and the day got better as the sun began to break through the clouds.


Breakfast: Bircher-muesli comprised of the following - 5-grain cereal soaked overnight in apple juice with cinnamon, Oikos Honey Greek yogurt (loved this), sliced banana, dried figs, and topped with trail mix, almonds, crumbled granola bar, and White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butter. This was a new mix for me. Most enjoyable though. Definitly having this or some close-replication of it very soon. Also had toast and plum juice on the side.


Mid-morning snack: cottage cheese with cinnamon, granola, strawberries and honey. also a new mix. I think....next time I have cottage cheese with granola...I definitly need to do a 2:1 ratio. I ended up eating half the granola dry >.<


Lunch: avocado and apple sandwich <3 with cucumber, tomato, rest of the apple and cottage cheese. Also an apple juice box.
Dessert with lunch...

Always a favorite. warmed in the microwave since it snowed this afternoon, I figured a warm treat would be fun.


Afternoon snack: vanilla chobani with fruit and nut mixed granola, and golden raisins.

No picture of dinner - my dad was home. I had leftover repeats - bulgur wheat with hummus, olive oil, greens and mixed veggies. Faux-tuna salad with peas. Vanilla soymilk. Cinnamon rice cake with nutella.


Nighttime snack: Apple pied oats. oats with caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar, chopped apple. topped with blackberry jam and cinnamon raisin swirl peanut butter. yum. Unfortunately it was a *bit* too hot initially and I think I nearly scalded myself.



I've been feeling a bit guilty lately about how much I have to eat. I try really hard to not compare myself to other people, but its hard sometimes. I tend to feel like I am becoming way too costly to feed. My mom keeps telling me "Its okay sweetie, as long as you're eating and you're getting better, its alright. I don't mind that we have to buy so much food for you. We can afford it, both your father and I have jobs now" But it doesn't always help that much. I tend to feel immensely guilty over it. For a long time, neither of my parents had jobs and things were a lot more tight. I think I am still so used to the mentality of "I don't need that, its okay." that it is going to be hard to break. Actually, thats an "I know", not an "I think" I am trying really hard to not beat myself up over it. And I know I'm really *not* that expensive to feed - it was probably more expensive when I was drinking shakes a few times a day because I couldn't really digest solid food at first than it is now, even though I'm eating many more calories than those early days. I know that thought is purely ED, because the next thought after is usually "It wouldn't be so expensive if I ate less." I know that is my anorexia, trying to worm in. And I am pretty good about not letting it get to me anymore. I just tell myself that this isn't a permanent deal - refeeding is only temporary. But still. Whenever we go grocery shopping - lets say we have ten bags. Well at least eight of those bags are usually filled with food that's mostly only going to be eaten by me. I know I shouldn't think about it like that. I should be proud of myself for continuing to go on with this even when my eating disorder is screaming at me "Why are you still continuing to do this to yourself, what's wrong with you?" But when the cashier looks at you and says "Do you really eat all of this?" its a bit...embarrassing I guess. I don't know, it just made me feel really self-conscious. I guess it took a day to kick in.

I have to give tremendous thanks and hugs to everyone who commented on my post yesterday. You all give me too much credit I think - but it was greatly appreciated nonetheless. You have no idea - I was nearly tearing up this morning as I read through. It really means a lot to me that so many of you think so kindly of me, and all of your words truly lifted me up today when I was feeling a bit down. Everyone I've encountered in the blogworld thus far has been such a great inspiration and motivator for me - its incredible how supportive and encouraging this little network of us all can be. I feel truly lucky to have become part of it.

9 comments:

  1. First I just want you to know how excited I get each time I see a new post from you when I come for cyberland relaxing after dinner. I absolutely love reading your blog--I can relate to you on so many ways, and you also have this heart of gold that makes me love to have you as my "pretend" friend at least, with the peak into your life. :)

    The thing about your bones really hits home for me. That was my eye opener towards the end of last year when I took on my "mission" to take this all the way. I actually recovered from starvation life in college and was at that "ok to get by" weight [I think similar to the one you are currently aiming for, for starters I hope!] and didn't see anything wrong with staying there--I was energetic, healthy, maintaining it with more than a normal diet level of calories, and thriving in life. Then things just went downhill with my bones and I realized that without having reached a "truly" healthy weighht [not just healthy compare to ED's low!] even my "taste" of a fully recovered/thriving life would be short lived...

    For what it's worth, you have until you're about 25 to lay down bone mass before it's all down hill: You CAN reverse the process--it just takes getting that NATURAL period asap...because honestly, it can get a lot worste than stress fractures once it's all downihill [after age 25]...and when we start off low, we can end up hunchbacks who crumble in bed [it's happened] by 30.
    You've shown your ability to make a turnaround--just make sure to take it all the way before it's too late!
    Take it from someone who's been there--ED's next big trap will be to get you stuck in "better" and never really finish the job.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's no way to think about it!!!
    Food is SO much less expensive than hospital bills and food supplements! And if your mom is ANYTHING like my mom, she would work 100 jobs if she needed to in order to supply food for you! But one job is working well, and you're safe. THAT is what's important to her. Not the grocery bill!

    ALSO, I'm not sure if this will sound ABSOLUTELY crazy to you, but it's something that has really helped me in the past.
    1. Don't look at eating a lot as a negative thing! CLEARLY you aren't ANYWHERE near overweight, so take PRIDE in the fact that you eat a lot.
    2. Occasionally when I'm out with friends I joke about always being hungry, or eating a lot! I'll be like "jeeze, I'm a bottomless pit today!" or "it's lunch time! Let's eat. and eat and eat. AND EAT AND EAT AND EAT!!" We laugh, and move on. =]
    3. I kind of like having a big appetite, and most of the time people get jealous of me for it!! So think about it that way- how lucky are you?! You have such a fast metabolism, and you get to enjoy all of this wonderful food!!

    (question though!! How much pb did you have with breakfast this morning?!)

    <3<3<3<3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey beautiful, I totally know what you mean about being expensive to feed. Over the past few years, my parents must have spent thousands on my various 'special foods' that I've decided that I can eat at various points in my illness, only to find that eventually I only let them down again. The best way for us to both feel we are 'making up' for lost time (and money!) is to keep pressing on with recovery. You are such an inspiration to me - not because 'you're eating X amount' but because you are one of the few people who's been ill for a similar length of time to me, and I hope we can support each other and give each other hope that even after such a long, long road, recovery will truly be possible <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. wow i feel the same way..my mom has no job,she quit so she could make sure eliza and i are okay and eat lunch and snacks and stay on track...and she is collecting un employment checks and i feel like if i didnt eat it would cost her so much less $ but she says that she the happiest thing she can do is buy food that we are going to enjoy. your not alone..and i am sure that your mom would love nothing more than to buy food that will make you heal! :) you DESERVE EVERYTHING! you are so special.
    love you!!!
    xo
    stay strong,you are such an inspiration to me..i admire you so so so much!

    ReplyDelete
  5. hey tori,
    i know its scary to think of all the bad things that can happen to us after this eating disorder like organ failure. but thank god it hasn't happened. and remember to stay positive about yourself and rcovery. cause our minds play such a big part in when we might die. i know you wont die! you are so strong and i am praying that this time will be the last time we relapsed for all of us here.
    i know what you mean about the money. for my parents its even worse cause singapore is an island. they dont make anything here. everything is imported which of course makes everything twice or 3 times as expensive. for example a fage greek yoghurt is 5 US$ here. :o
    so dont feel all to bad :)
    as long as we get better i am sure our parents are okay with spending a bit more becasue we ARE WORTH IT!!!!!
    lots of love

    ReplyDelete
  6. I can relate about feeling too expensive to feed. Our grocery bill is pretty high because of me, and I feel guilty because there are better things my family could use the cash for. But think of it this way: If you had any other illness besides anorexia, lets say you needed expensive meds or blood transfusions, your parents would pay for your treatment and you wouldn't feel guilty about it. Because they'd be saving your life. It's the same way with food- it's your medicine and your parents will go to any length to get it for you, so you can be healthy again.

    You're so strong and I look up to you a lot! Much love

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey, it's me, Zeb! Erm...Kate! xD
    Lovin the Lara Bar! Your meals look awesome!

    I eat a lot too, but I know that I need it and that it's not like I'm 250 pounds and needing to lose weight. All my friends and family think that I eat like a horse; what can I say - I WANT to eat up and recover and I LIKE to eat!

    I feel horrible about food prices sometimes. However, I don't think that buying natural, good-quality foods is a waste of money, and I don't like to think of them as "special" foods, just REAL foods. Now "diet" foods are different, but I never buy those. Who wants powdered PB2 when you could have the real thing?

    ReplyDelete
  8. You deserve every bit of praise you have received.

    Honestly, I have been a reader for a while and it's so amazing to see someone turn their life around the way you have. There are so few people out there with the strength and determination to pull themselves back from the brink and the fact that so much of what you are doing is self-motivated is just fantastic. Don't be so hard on yourself ~ the progress you have made is healing your mind as well as your body.

    It's not too late to help your bones ~ the intake you have now is perfect for helping to build back some bone mass. It's great that you have decided to act now ~ my mother still battles with anorexia at fifty years old and its devestating to see the effect it's had on her, particularly her bones and circulation.

    I can sympathise with the food situation: 90% of our food budget seems to go on me and people often comment on how much I get through. What the cashier said was really rude, though ~ I would have poked her in the eye! It's not as if you look like you eat excessively, quite the reverse! I really don't think you should feel guilty in the slightest because food is your medicine, and there's no way a diabetic would worry about the cost of their insulin for example. Food is the one area I will not compromise on in terms of cost ~ I'll stay in, forego buying new clothes and other luxuries before I'll cut down on the quality of my food. You are worth every penny that is spent on you!

    *hugs*

    ~Jessica~

    ReplyDelete
  9. considering the food is what is helping you become well again, i think that your mother was being totally honest when she says that she doesn't mind at all about the cost. i know it's hard not to feel guilty, it's hard to believe you're worth it. but you ARE worth it, tori. you are. i doubt your mother would even give it a THOUGHT; she just wants you well.

    i've been thinking of you. i'm sorry you're feeling so bad. i know the problems with your health really affect you physically, and mentally in how you feel about yourself, but consider the idea that any 'bad' experience can be taken and used for good. use those stress fractures, as awful and painful and debilitating as they are, as confirmation that if you want to live, and really live, recovery is the only way. i know i can spout forth this to you, but i would be the first to admit that i sometimes don't take my own advice. but the fact is, what we all keep telling eachother is true. there is no LIFE in an eating disorder, and we pretty much have to recover if we want relationships, fun, any shred of happiness. it's true for you, me, all of us. i know it's hard, and i'm not so naive as to think that complete and full recovery is absolutely achievable for everyone. but all you can do is keep fighting, trying to get as close as you can. i am sorry if i come across as a hypocrite. i think that you truly understand just how hard it is to really make the effort towards recovery, even when you know it's the right thing. you've been through every inch of that. but regardless of how i may seem, i worry and care for you and i'm here if you want. thankyou for all your help. <3
    -erin

    ReplyDelete