Thursday, May 21, 2009

Busy busy bee.

Hey all - sorry for not updating yesterday. On top of rediscovering my inner social buterfly, I had a really, really long talk with my mom and then we plopped down on the sofa to watch Criminal Minds. It was a really good conversation. I haven't talked outloud about my illness with my family in a long time. Not really talked anyways. There's always jibber-jabber about how I'm doing with food and such. But last night we really talked. About when it started, and this past year or two of it progressively worsening, and about what I needed to do now to make sure I didn't relapse again. I'm going to start picking one meal a day where I have whatever I choose as a snack, build up to two, so on and so forth. And mumzy and I have decided that we need to go out to eat at least once a week. And I need to learn to gauge a portion without a measuring device. Its a lot to do. But I need to do these things or else it'll never truly get better.
Also. I got a letter in my inbox - actually it was spam I think - from the Obama campaign on health insurance reform. He wanted stories, signatures, donations. You bet your girl here just wrote up an essay summarizing the mistreatment I experienced over the past year. Supposedly the stories are going to be read, so I am really hoping mine gets seen and that it strikes a chord. I feel a bit self-righteous, but I am determined to somehow find a way to make sure that no one looking for treatment gets turned away because they are too sick to be helped ever again. I mean really. I could have, actually should have died this past summer. Doing refeeding on my own without any sort medical support was an extremely dangerous thing to do, especially with how low my weight was. Unfortunatly, it was the only option I had besides waiting to die. No one should ever have to be put in that kind of position. People should recieve help when they reach out for it, not be told that there is nothing that can be done because its too late.

Ah well that's enough ranting. Here's a few of my most recent concoctions:

Wednesday Breakfast: Banana-Chai oats made with oat bran, Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai, raisins, banana, flaked coconut, almonds, creamy peanut butter. This was an old fave I haven't had in a while. I suppose it kind of reminds me of the 3800-calorie days from last month and some part of my brain has been avoiding aforementioned shake for that reason. Ah well. I finished off my bottle, and you know what? Maybe I'll make it up again in the future, regardless of the ED-stigma. Cuz you know, banana chai oats wouldn't be the same without chai.


Midmorning snack: Fage 2%, raisins, crumbled Peanut Butter Cookie larabar. ooh man. I loved this! Definitely going to be having this snack again.

Anddd this morning's breakfast:

Tropical Muesli. In the bowl: 1/2 cup Familia muesli soaked this morning for 45 minutes in vanilla soy, fage 2%, pineapple chunks and slivered almonds stirred in, sliced banana,flaked coconout and peanut butter on top. This was super refreshing, and perfect on this warm, sunny morning.

Well. I'm going to try to stay out trouble today. Hopefully go out later and actually have some fun. To be honest, the eating disorder is still rather mucking around in my head and making me feel self-conscious about myself and what I'm eating. But. I am sticking to these calories no matter what. I know I can't afford to lower it, even if my ED is insisting I should, because that would be letting my eating disorder win just one more time. I'm doing well with following my meal plans, but its been really hard because I never feel hungry. :sigh: I suppose everyone has those days.

Cheers to the sunshine and here's hoping it'll brighten everyone's day.

11 comments:

  1. I'm so glad to hear that you and your mom had a good talk - its so important to have strong family relationships. And, what could be better than Criminal Minds to wrap it up? :)

    Enjoy your newly found wings, you social butterfly, you.

    I hope everything goes well today!

    Love,
    Emma

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  2. Way to go with the essay to Obama!

    Just wanted to say hi and tell you how much I adore your blog! Hope you'll stop by sometime - just started one of my own!

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  3. It is good to have a long talk every now and then and communicate with your family.

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  4. Even if your story doesn't get heard from your one email, keep telling it! You have an AMAZING story and a wonderful style of communicating with others, as shown by your speech at the assembly a few weeks ago! I'm so glad that you could talk openly with your mom about your ED, and find a compromise to give yourself a little more freedom to choose your meals and gradually work towards being INDEPENDENT about food, but without risking relapse. You're doing great!

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  5. hey, good luck with the new goals and challenges towards preventing a relapse. I agree that eating out is a def must. it helps you relax and lose a lot of fears and anxieties towards new and "scary" foods. I'm glad you had a nice talk with your mom. communication is key!

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  6. Mmm... I love chai. Your breakfast always look so yummy.
    It is great that you talked to your mom openly about your ED, i find that even though it can be kind of scary to talk about it, it really helps.
    <3 Karina

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  7. Great that you and mom had a productive chat!
    I live in CT too :)

    xoxox,
    CC

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  8. As always, you never cease to amaze me. Seriously, Tori, I so wish that you could see what everyone here and I'm sure at home sees in you! You are so bright and brave and determined. You have a beautiful heart and I admire your adamant attitude about beating your ED for good and finally getting back YOUR life...the one you have deserved to live and enjoy for so long.

    I'm also really so happy for you that you were finally able to sit down and just talk it all out with your mom. After so many years, I'm sure having that conversation with you meant more than you could ever imagine. I also think that all the little mini goals you are setting are amazinggg and will definitely keep you focused in moving in the right direction.

    Enough of my ranting, your eats looked scrumptious as always. I really think you should just make a book of all your delicious oat and yogurt concoctions! They never cease to look anything but amazing

    xoxo

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  9. So proud of you for writing that letter. It's an important issue, one that I take for granted with my free NHS healthcare in the UK!
    You're doing so well, and I'm glad you're rediscovering your social life ;)

    Keep working on trying to eat food more 'normally' I have a lot of OCD habits surrounding my eating >> But guess measuring rather than trying to pinpoint the exact amount of calories etc is a much healthier away of approach!
    Why does your food always look SO good. Jealousss!
    Have a nice weekend honey :) xoxo

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  10. p.s. thank you for leaving me that sweet comment in reply. I am so happy my words meant something to you :)
    And go ahead and steal the burrito bowl idea...if you need any more ideas, let me know! I'm always thinking up new and yummy ideas

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