Hey all - sorry for not updating yesterday. On top of rediscovering my inner social buterfly, I had a really, really long talk with my mom and then we plopped down on the sofa to watch Criminal Minds. It was a really good conversation. I haven't talked outloud about my illness with my family in a long time. Not really talked anyways. There's always jibber-jabber about how I'm doing with food and such. But last night we really talked. About when it started, and this past year or two of it progressively worsening, and about what I needed to do now to make sure I didn't relapse again. I'm going to start picking one meal a day where I have whatever I choose as a snack, build up to two, so on and so forth. And mumzy and I have decided that we need to go out to eat at least once a week. And I need to learn to gauge a portion without a measuring device. Its a lot to do. But I need to do these things or else it'll never truly get better.
Also. I got a letter in my inbox - actually it was spam I think - from the Obama campaign on health insurance reform. He wanted stories, signatures, donations. You bet your girl here just wrote up an essay summarizing the mistreatment I experienced over the past year. Supposedly the stories are going to be read, so I am really hoping mine gets seen and that it strikes a chord. I feel a bit self-righteous, but I am determined to somehow find a way to make sure that no one looking for treatment gets turned away because they are too sick to be helped ever again. I mean really. I could have, actually should have died this past summer. Doing refeeding on my own without any sort medical support was an extremely dangerous thing to do, especially with how low my weight was. Unfortunatly, it was the only option I had besides waiting to die. No one should ever have to be put in that kind of position. People should recieve help when they reach out for it, not be told that there is nothing that can be done because its too late.
Ah well that's enough ranting. Here's a few of my most recent concoctions:
Wednesday Breakfast: Banana-Chai oats made with oat bran, Bolthouse Farms Vanilla Chai, raisins, banana, flaked coconut, almonds, creamy peanut butter. This was an old fave I haven't had in a while. I suppose it kind of reminds me of the 3800-calorie days from last month and some part of my brain has been avoiding aforementioned shake for that reason. Ah well. I finished off my bottle, and you know what? Maybe I'll make it up again in the future, regardless of the ED-stigma. Cuz you know, banana chai oats wouldn't be the same without chai.
Midmorning snack: Fage 2%, raisins, crumbled Peanut Butter Cookie larabar. ooh man. I loved this! Definitely going to be having this snack again.
Anddd this morning's breakfast:
Tropical Muesli. In the bowl: 1/2 cup Familia muesli soaked this morning for 45 minutes in vanilla soy, fage 2%, pineapple chunks and slivered almonds stirred in, sliced banana,flaked coconout and peanut butter on top. This was super refreshing, and perfect on this warm, sunny morning.
Well. I'm going to try to stay out trouble today. Hopefully go out later and actually have some fun. To be honest, the eating disorder is still rather mucking around in my head and making me feel self-conscious about myself and what I'm eating. But. I am sticking to these calories no matter what. I know I can't afford to lower it, even if my ED is insisting I should, because that would be letting my eating disorder win just one more time. I'm doing well with following my meal plans, but its been really hard because I never feel hungry. :sigh: I suppose everyone has those days.
Cheers to the sunshine and here's hoping it'll brighten everyone's day.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago