Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo.

Okay, first I just have to thank everyone who comented on my last post. You all have no idea how much you meant to me <3 I really cannot thank you all enough, you are so kind and encouraging. I really cannot get over it haha - I was so suprised (and excited! and extremely flattered!) by the comments. I am really, really glad to know that in some small way shape or form, I am able to do or say something that can help or motivate someone else. So, thank you again lovelies - every single word brightened my rainy day that much more.

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I made a new breakfast...

Cocoa Mole Oatbran! I was a bit afraid of having it this morning but I knew I had to try it. It was soo good - it tasted exactly like a cocoa mole larabar! I made it by par-cooking 1/2 cup oatbran in 1/2 cup mix water/plain soy milk with a half a banana mashed in. After 2 minutes, I added 1/2 cup chocolate soy milk, 1/2 TBS unsweetened cocoa, 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon and 1/8th tsp chili powder. Stuck it back in the microwave for the rest of the cooking time, and topped it with a good tablespoon each of walnuts and creamy peanut butter. Oh, it was truly a really great breakfast. I was afraid it'd be really decadent and like a candybar or something, but it totally wasn't - there is a big difference between oats with cocoa powder and oats with chocolate chips. I also had the rest of my banana with some cottage cheese and my usual glass of juice.

Midmorning snack: Fage 2% with golden raisins, chopped apple,handful of almonds and drizzled agave nectar. Loved this snack - I haven't had apple and Fage in a while.

Lunch: sprouted grain bread with two spoonfuls of roasted red pepper hummus and a wedge of firm tofu. On the side there is sweet corn, tomatoes and cucumber with some dressing. I also had...

My last three squares of Green & Black's dark chocolate mint. :sad face: Apparently, they got bullied in the pantry. Damn careless rummaging...oh well. Still good.

My mom came home at lunch this afternoon, only to tell me that several other teachers came down to see her and tell her how amazing I was at the assembly yesterday. Also, apparently the students who were there are still talking about it, according to both friends I have there and from a woman who works with my mother. Apparently, students were going into the main office and telling the secretaries about me (my mother used to sub in the main office, they already know) and asking if I would come back again. I was also informed that it was videotaped. I was not aware of this upon my agreement, but that's probably a good thing.

Afternoon snack: plain yogurt with strawberries and a tablespoon of strawberry-cherry preserves. I haven't had my cherry preserves in sooo long. Mixing 'em with the strawberry was perfect (plus, I didn't have enough left for a full serving of either) Yay for mix and match.

Dinner: tilapia fillet with lemon-garlic sauce, 1.5 cups pasta salad (pasta, green beans, peas, olive oil and seasoning) plus some sauteed brocoli.

Nighttime snack: 5-grain hot cereal cooked with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar. Then swirled in a scoop of blackberry jam and topped it with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. This was really good! I had never had peanut butter and jelly oats before so it was something new.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I still have a long way to go. No matter how much better I feel - the eating disordered habits, while greatly diminishing, are still there. I've been making small goals for myself every two to three days, behaviors that I have to stop. So far, I've gotten three down pretty well. In the past, i would make goals like this, only on a daily basis. I think that's why I never stuck to them - I got overwhelmed, or I'd forget what things I'd overcome already and what hadn't yet been conquered. :sigh: I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing so much of what I did, then I wouldn't have to deal with all these absurdities now. But it is part of the eating disorder I suppose. I still have tremendous difficulty with sitting down and staying still for extended periods of time. While I'm sure part of that is the ED - I do also know its just me. I'm the poster child for ADHD. The only time I ever stayed still as a child was if I was doing one of three things: drawing, writing, reading. So, I know this lack of staying still isn't just my ED, but I know that it definitely exacerbates the problem. :sigh: Another thing to work on. But if I can come this far, I can keep going, and I can find that place where its not frightening to live anymore. We all can, everyone has that ability and that strength. I think its just a matter of believing and trusting in yourself, and in the people around you, enough to use it.


  1. As I said in my comment on your last post. You truly are amazing.

    I am the poster child for ADD! I don't have the hyperactivity, but my attention span is incredibly short... or I get extremely focused on one thing, and I can't stop.

    You always have insightful posts, and they are full of wonderful foods that make me super jealous.



  2. I AM SO HAPPY that people are giving you such positive feedback about your speech...you really deserve to hear all those nice things! I am certain that you made such an impact on all of the people present, I was moved just by READING your story! What a very cinco de mayo breakfast! You're right, there is a huge difference between cocoa powder and choc chips in oats! I like your mini goal idea, even though you still have a lot of work ahead of you I think you are doing SO WELL!

  3. hey there girly!!
    your meals look sooo delish!! i'm famished right now (because it's right before lunch here) and probably would eat everything in your pics at once... :)
    i love to read how you deal with your goals... one at a time! i think i have to do this too... not to much at a time!!

    keep up your good work!! i'm really proud of you, even though i don't really know you! but you are such an inspiration!!

    love from
    the swiss-girl

  4. hey tori,
    i have been wanting to ask this for such a long time but was always too shy to ask. do you make your hummus yourself? i cant find any roast pepper hummus in singapore. would you share your recipe with me if you make it yourself?
    thank you

  5. Hi, I'm new to blogworld :) I just read your last post, and if I had been at that assembly, I'm pretty sure I would have started bawling and ran on stage to hug you. I think you are SO incredibly strong for being able to stand up and speak like that. Something I could never, ever bring myself too do. Just know that there are so many people out here like me who admire you so much!

    And your food looks so incredibly yummy :) I'm totally jealous of that oatmealll!