Okay, first I just have to thank everyone who comented on my last post. You all have no idea how much you meant to me <3 I really cannot thank you all enough, you are so kind and encouraging. I really cannot get over it haha - I was so suprised (and excited! and extremely flattered!) by the comments. I am really, really glad to know that in some small way shape or form, I am able to do or say something that can help or motivate someone else. So, thank you again lovelies - every single word brightened my rainy day that much more.
In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I made a new breakfast...
Cocoa Mole Oatbran! I was a bit afraid of having it this morning but I knew I had to try it. It was soo good - it tasted exactly like a cocoa mole larabar! I made it by par-cooking 1/2 cup oatbran in 1/2 cup mix water/plain soy milk with a half a banana mashed in. After 2 minutes, I added 1/2 cup chocolate soy milk, 1/2 TBS unsweetened cocoa, 1 1/2 tsp cinnamon and 1/8th tsp chili powder. Stuck it back in the microwave for the rest of the cooking time, and topped it with a good tablespoon each of walnuts and creamy peanut butter. Oh, it was truly a really great breakfast. I was afraid it'd be really decadent and like a candybar or something, but it totally wasn't - there is a big difference between oats with cocoa powder and oats with chocolate chips. I also had the rest of my banana with some cottage cheese and my usual glass of juice.
Midmorning snack: Fage 2% with golden raisins, chopped apple,handful of almonds and drizzled agave nectar. Loved this snack - I haven't had apple and Fage in a while.
Lunch: sprouted grain bread with two spoonfuls of roasted red pepper hummus and a wedge of firm tofu. On the side there is sweet corn, tomatoes and cucumber with some dressing. I also had...
My last three squares of Green & Black's dark chocolate mint. :sad face: Apparently, they got bullied in the pantry. Damn careless rummaging...oh well. Still good.
My mom came home at lunch this afternoon, only to tell me that several other teachers came down to see her and tell her how amazing I was at the assembly yesterday. Also, apparently the students who were there are still talking about it, according to both friends I have there and from a woman who works with my mother. Apparently, students were going into the main office and telling the secretaries about me (my mother used to sub in the main office, they already know) and asking if I would come back again. I was also informed that it was videotaped. I was not aware of this upon my agreement, but that's probably a good thing.
Afternoon snack: plain yogurt with strawberries and a tablespoon of strawberry-cherry preserves. I haven't had my cherry preserves in sooo long. Mixing 'em with the strawberry was perfect (plus, I didn't have enough left for a full serving of either) Yay for mix and match.
Dinner: tilapia fillet with lemon-garlic sauce, 1.5 cups pasta salad (pasta, green beans, peas, olive oil and seasoning) plus some sauteed brocoli.
Nighttime snack: 5-grain hot cereal cooked with vanilla caramel coffee creamer, cinnamon, brown sugar. Then swirled in a scoop of blackberry jam and topped it with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. This was really good! I had never had peanut butter and jelly oats before so it was something new.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I still have a long way to go. No matter how much better I feel - the eating disordered habits, while greatly diminishing, are still there. I've been making small goals for myself every two to three days, behaviors that I have to stop. So far, I've gotten three down pretty well. In the past, i would make goals like this, only on a daily basis. I think that's why I never stuck to them - I got overwhelmed, or I'd forget what things I'd overcome already and what hadn't yet been conquered. :sigh: I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing so much of what I did, then I wouldn't have to deal with all these absurdities now. But it is part of the eating disorder I suppose. I still have tremendous difficulty with sitting down and staying still for extended periods of time. While I'm sure part of that is the ED - I do also know its just me. I'm the poster child for ADHD. The only time I ever stayed still as a child was if I was doing one of three things: drawing, writing, reading. So, I know this lack of staying still isn't just my ED, but I know that it definitely exacerbates the problem. :sigh: Another thing to work on. But if I can come this far, I can keep going, and I can find that place where its not frightening to live anymore. We all can, everyone has that ability and that strength. I think its just a matter of believing and trusting in yourself, and in the people around you, enough to use it.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago