Friday, May 29, 2009

Good Friends. And other goods.



OMG! I did it! I figured out how all of you copy and paste those little buttons! Oh I am so excited. YOu have no idea, I've been trying to figure that out for weeks! Okay. Back to the point.

I was tagged by the lovely Jemima and Learning To Relove thank you both <3

The seven bloggers I am passing the award on to are :
Determined
Neela
Devan
Stef
Karina
Nell
Brooke
Obviously, there are a TON of other people I could give this award to, but I tried to give it to people that I didn't think had recieved it yet and should. I'm really happy you guys liked my tattoo post. I have two more, the chest piece and a pair of cherries on my hip that I will proabably post about on Thursday again, just to keep up the rhythm.

Onto today. Its mostly been a good day, woke up feeling a lot better. I actually slept through the whole night solid AND I could breath through my nose! Woo. I'm easily excited haha. Since I woke up feeling so great, I decided to put on some of my new clothes. Which I'm sure you're all just dying to see.

Almost look 20 now, right? Well. I can dream. I love that shirt though. And yes, that is a stuffed purple elephant. His name is Clarence. My brother sent him to me when I came home from Pratt in 2006 as a "cheer up" gift.
I'll be honest. Seeing myself in picture form is totally different than when I look in the mirror. When I see myself, I see the girl who has gained 30 pounds and think I look perfectly healthy and fine. In photograph, I realize I do not quite look like someone who's gained 30 pounds. Its a bit hard to accept, as I do have it my head that I've gained a lot and look a lot better than I did those months ago. Must keep pushing forward though.

Downside. Today was a weight-check. I've tried really hard to keep my calories up despite being sick, and I lost 1 1/2 - 2lbs since last week. :sigh: I admit, I may have slipped back by about 200. But even that really shouldn't have resulted in such a loss. The eensy bright side here is that my ED-related fear of pizza has been entirely shattered.

Breakfast this morning was an immense, but delcious bowl of Chocolate-Brownie oat bran.

In my bowl: 2/3 cup oatbran cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy milk with a few splashes of vanilla caramel coffee creamer, 2TBS cocoa powder, 1tsp each brown sugar and cinnamon, 2TBS crushed walnuts stirred in and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter on top.

Morning snack was a Fage shake made with Fage 2%, some vanilla soy, sliced banana, almonds and honey in the blender with ice. Forgot to take a picture but it was soo good. Super creamy and thick. I bet if I put it in the freezer for a bit, it'd be like banana-ice cream. Hmm. might try that.

Lunch was a new one too.

Hummus-grated carrot-raisin sammie and a Gala apple with two tablespoons of cinnamon raisin PB.

After lunch I hung out with my friend K for a bit. I really love hanging out with him. He never puts pressure on me or anything, and he's super sweet and understanding. We just sat and listened to music and talked mostly. I feel bad though, because another one of my (male) friends was texting me and loking to hang out later too. Oh I know, the woes of my life. I also got a message from one of the guys I tried to gently let down on the relationship front telling me I was fucked up and a horrible human being. That made my evening, really it did!

I took myself to Starbucks for my afternoon snack and got an iced Mocha Frappucino with toppings. Never had one before today. It was soo good. I'm a bit jazzed now though because I hardly ever have caffeine anymore. I was such the anorexic cliche last year. I remember I did a portrait of myself for school. It was an atmosperic thing. I set my camera on the hood of my car, and stood on the edge of the sea wall on an over cast day. My painting essentially consisted of long stretches of grays and blues making the sky and ocean, flesh tones, creams and grays making up the stone and side walk. I was a a few thin dark lines stretched on the side, a small red dot marking the burning end of my cigarette. I did get an A on that one. But I remember being there, so cold, smoking my cigarettes, drinking my black coffee. Every day. At the beach or at school. Te boys I sat with used to ask me to go to lunch with them, offer to buy me dinner ("Anything you want, as long as you eat 10 of it.") or tell me I "have such a beautiful face. if I gained 20 pounds I'd be a knock out." One of them actually asked me out on a date once, but I was so entrenched in ED, I didn't even realize it. Sucks too because I had a crush on the boy. I remember it perfectly - he said to me "So what are you doing tonight? I don't have anything planned. I really want to go out on a date though." Me - "Oh? I didn't think you had a girlfriend. Who's the lucky girl?" That boy looked at me with the most crushed expression, ever now that I think about it. Later, another kid from our class was like "You know, he meant out on a date with YOU, right." Oops. Thanks anorexia, because you know, in my head I couldn't begin to fathom someone being interested in me at that point and couldn't allow myself to pick up on the most obvious of signs.
I know they probably won't still be at HCC when I go back, but part of me is kind of hoping they are. Just because. There is one teacher I know I have to see, Mr. F. I saw him last June, when I was barely above my lowest weight. I had signed up for online courses and needed to buy books. He had seen me just after I came out of IP (I had been in his class first semester, and left another in 2nd for IP- when I came home, I went in for a visit). When he saw me that day, the sadness in his face overwhelmed me and I just about ran away. I am really hoping to see him again and talk to him, to tell him how much better I am now. I don't know why I feel this need to do that. I guess in my heart, I know an awful lot of people figure I'm dead by now. And its like I need to prove to the world that I am okay in order for myself to believe it as well.

8 comments:

  1. Oh Tori!
    I couldn't help laughing a bit at how "dense" you were with that boy. Sorry! >-< But that even though that was cute, I do agree that ED sure deceives us like that. I really hope you get to speak to him once again...he seems to really care for you, and seeing you a better will definitely lift a big stone in his heart! When I was gone to Singapore for 6 months, my neighbors thought I was dead, too. They went up to my dad really cautiously and asked why they didn't see me around anymore. Gosh, that's the extent to which ED took us to?!
    And you look gorgeous, darling! Obviously there are more pounds to gain, but I can see how much of a beautiful girl you'll be as you recover your health and radiance and confidence!
    oh, and congrats on your award!

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  2. Please know that I'm going to copy your brownie oats soon! =P

    Always remember to be proud of how far you've come and how strong you are! It sounds like you have some really special people who care about you and who will stick by you regardless. And don't you love those "horrible human being" messages?? Haha

    Take care!

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  3. tori my love, thank you so much for the awad. you just really made my day with this. thank you thank you thank you :)
    you are such a sweet person. i really enjoy reading your blog every single day and i can just say that you are the one that inspired me to eat beyond my meal plan that i got from my nutritionist and to become less scared of eating fats and nourishing myself. i seriously can not thank you enough for just being who you are. you are wonderful.
    you have come such a long way and i know 30 lbs seems like so much to you but just like you said. when you look at the photo you see that the girl standing back is still really really thin and can gain more to look even better. its so hard to see this when you look in the mirror but just keep reminding yourself of what a 'healthy body' really is. i can realte a lot causei have been going through this the same amount of time as you have but still our bodies are no different. no matter how long we suffer from an eating disorder we can not fool ourselves by believing a slighly underweight bmi is healthy for us. we too need to reach the weight goal that other have too. i struggle with this too but at the end of the day we will live if we treat our bodies the way it deserves to be treated. please remember that i am always here for you whenevr you need to talk or feel some things are getting on top of you. i am more than happy to help you out in any way. have a wonderful sunday and be proud of who you are and what you have achieved.
    lots of love
    xxx

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  4. hi doll,
    SO excited that you finally figured out the technological aspect of the award giving! Just think of all the thins you can do now. (p.s. Thanks for the shout out :))

    I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling a little better and were able to sleep all the way through the night...I seriously get so excited when I am finally able to get a really good night's sleep. Yayy for the new clothes...that shirt looks adorable on you! I def feel you on the mirror versus picture concept. It's so hard to see the "truth" sometimes but I guess it's just about listening to the people around you that love and want the world's best for you. Even though you might have lost a couple pounds (due to sickness), you'll def rebound and get right back to where you were before.

    Ughh and I hate that people think it's okay to get mad at you due to their own selfishness. I, too, have had to focus more on myself than on others (something VERY hard for me to do) and when I started to do that, I def got the "you aren't the same" or "you don't care about me" or "you just aren't being a good friend." I guess if those people can't see that personal health and happiness are more important than what's best for them, maybe they just aren't worth having around. Oh and I can def relate to the obliviousness to people's attempts to hang out. I just can't fathom the idea of people actually wanting to "hang out" with me.

    haha funny story about people thinking you've fallen off the face of the planet...I def got a few "oh i thought you transfered" when I bumped into certain people on campus. Shows where I've been.

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  5. Chocolate Brown Oat Bran.... on my to-do list :D

    Thank you so much for the award! It definitely made my day, which I really needed since my Sundays are always so dull. You are so amazing and are my inspiration!

    I can completely relate to you about the mirror/photograph thing. The camera really does reflect the reality of our bodies because it gives us the chance to view ourselves as another person, whereas in the mirror we are looking at us and our ED has the chance to play with our minds and make us look bigger than we are. I hope that made sense. I too see a girl in the mirror who has gained more weight than she actually looks to other people and I hate it. Like Neela said, when you look at yourself in the mirror, think of what a healthy body actually is. Everything Neela said is so true. Our bodies need to be at a normal weight so we can be healthy so just keep moving forward, Tori!

    btw, you are soo pretty! you are going to be a glowing goddess (hehe, I love that word)when you regain your health, no lie!

    <3 Karina

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  6. Ooo I just bought some hummus today, I'm gonna have to try that sandwich idea :D

    I totally get what you mean about being oblivious to any interest! My mom says I have my head in the sand and that I just need to look around and believe in myself. I mean afterall is it really that unbelievable? ;)

    I hope you're enjoying the rest of your weekend Tori!

    -Katharina

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  7. Thank you so much for giving me that award! I feel so honoured to get it from you. Words can't describe how in awe I am of you.
    Your story about being asked on the date without realising is so cute, but sad as well that anorexia can take away so many opportunities from us, and make us feel unworthy of any attention.
    Oh and I love your top! You are ridiculously beautiful and DEFINITELY look 20!

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  8. I am excited for a other tattoo post. And as for that guy who texted you- what a loser!

    I know what you mean about turning people down because of Ed. I spent all of last year isolating and turning down offers. I even had a friend make me lunch and bring it to school every day for a month before she just gave up.

    I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening!

    Much love

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