The seven bloggers I am passing the award on to are : Determined Neela Devan Stef Karina Nell Brooke Obviously, there are a TON of other people I could give this award to, but I tried to give it to people that I didn't think had recieved it yet and should. I'm really happy you guys liked my tattoo post. I have two more, the chest piece and a pair of cherries on my hip that I will proabably post about on Thursday again, just to keep up the rhythm.
Onto today. Its mostly been a good day, woke up feeling a lot better. I actually slept through the whole night solid AND I could breath through my nose! Woo. I'm easily excited haha. Since I woke up feeling so great, I decided to put on some of my new clothes. Which I'm sure you're all just dying to see. Almost look 20 now, right? Well. I can dream. I love that shirt though. And yes, that is a stuffed purple elephant. His name is Clarence. My brother sent him to me when I came home from Pratt in 2006 as a "cheer up" gift. I'll be honest. Seeing myself in picture form is totally different than when I look in the mirror. When I see myself, I see the girl who has gained 30 pounds and think I look perfectly healthy and fine. In photograph, I realize I do not quite look like someone who's gained 30 pounds. Its a bit hard to accept, as I do have it my head that I've gained a lot and look a lot better than I did those months ago. Must keep pushing forward though.
Downside. Today was a weight-check. I've tried really hard to keep my calories up despite being sick, and I lost 1 1/2 - 2lbs since last week. :sigh: I admit, I may have slipped back by about 200. But even that really shouldn't have resulted in such a loss. The eensy bright side here is that my ED-related fear of pizza has been entirely shattered.
Breakfast this morning was an immense, but delcious bowl of Chocolate-Brownie oat bran. In my bowl: 2/3 cup oatbran cooked in 1 cup vanilla soy milk with a few splashes of vanilla caramel coffee creamer, 2TBS cocoa powder, 1tsp each brown sugar and cinnamon, 2TBS crushed walnuts stirred in and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter on top.
Morning snack was a Fage shake made with Fage 2%, some vanilla soy, sliced banana, almonds and honey in the blender with ice. Forgot to take a picture but it was soo good. Super creamy and thick. I bet if I put it in the freezer for a bit, it'd be like banana-ice cream. Hmm. might try that.
Lunch was a new one too. Hummus-grated carrot-raisin sammie and a Gala apple with two tablespoons of cinnamon raisin PB.
After lunch I hung out with my friend K for a bit. I really love hanging out with him. He never puts pressure on me or anything, and he's super sweet and understanding. We just sat and listened to music and talked mostly. I feel bad though, because another one of my (male) friends was texting me and loking to hang out later too. Oh I know, the woes of my life. I also got a message from one of the guys I tried to gently let down on the relationship front telling me I was fucked up and a horrible human being. That made my evening, really it did!
I took myself to Starbucks for my afternoon snack and got an iced Mocha Frappucino with toppings. Never had one before today. It was soo good. I'm a bit jazzed now though because I hardly ever have caffeine anymore. I was such the anorexic cliche last year. I remember I did a portrait of myself for school. It was an atmosperic thing. I set my camera on the hood of my car, and stood on the edge of the sea wall on an over cast day. My painting essentially consisted of long stretches of grays and blues making the sky and ocean, flesh tones, creams and grays making up the stone and side walk. I was a a few thin dark lines stretched on the side, a small red dot marking the burning end of my cigarette. I did get an A on that one. But I remember being there, so cold, smoking my cigarettes, drinking my black coffee. Every day. At the beach or at school. Te boys I sat with used to ask me to go to lunch with them, offer to buy me dinner ("Anything you want, as long as you eat 10 of it.") or tell me I "have such a beautiful face. if I gained 20 pounds I'd be a knock out." One of them actually asked me out on a date once, but I was so entrenched in ED, I didn't even realize it. Sucks too because I had a crush on the boy. I remember it perfectly - he said to me "So what are you doing tonight? I don't have anything planned. I really want to go out on a date though." Me - "Oh? I didn't think you had a girlfriend. Who's the lucky girl?" That boy looked at me with the most crushed expression, ever now that I think about it. Later, another kid from our class was like "You know, he meant out on a date with YOU, right." Oops. Thanks anorexia, because you know, in my head I couldn't begin to fathom someone being interested in me at that point and couldn't allow myself to pick up on the most obvious of signs. I know they probably won't still be at HCC when I go back, but part of me is kind of hoping they are. Just because. There is one teacher I know I have to see, Mr. F. I saw him last June, when I was barely above my lowest weight. I had signed up for online courses and needed to buy books. He had seen me just after I came out of IP (I had been in his class first semester, and left another in 2nd for IP- when I came home, I went in for a visit). When he saw me that day, the sadness in his face overwhelmed me and I just about ran away. I am really hoping to see him again and talk to him, to tell him how much better I am now. I don't know why I feel this need to do that. I guess in my heart, I know an awful lot of people figure I'm dead by now. And its like I need to prove to the world that I am okay in order for myself to believe it as well.