Friday, May 8, 2009


So, I've got a lovely story to share with you all.
This morning, for the first time in a long time, I had the urge to paint. I went out in my yard, easel, stereo and massive box of paints, modeling past and brushes in hand (actually, more like arms - lotta stuff). So, I'm outside, in my yard painting. Enjoying myself in the 10 o'clock sunshine, zonining out with Isis blaring and paint smearing. Then I start seeing these little flying bugs around me. Okay, no big deal. Only a few. Then there were more. And more. I ran off the patio to get a better look. Literally, at least 50 in the air, and another hundred or more were crawling up out of the ground and swarming two or three feet of patio tiles.
This girl has never bolted so fast. Ran back inside the house, paintbrush in hand, leaving all my stuff outside.
I called one of my friends and he came over, braved the swarm (apparently they were termites) and brought my stuff inside for me. ^.^
I also managed to lock myself out of the house in the same afternoon.

Brilliant day, yes?

On the bright side - I painted for the first time in MONTHS. And, I had some new creations today, so I'm rather proud of that.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats soaked overnight in vanilla caramel coffee creamer, stirred into a peach yogurt this morning with slivered almonds,sliced banana and creamy peanut butter. I also had a glass of juice and a slice of cinnamon toast with jam. I really enjoyed this - adding the coffee creamer gave it a totally different taste and it was really neat - it got even creamier than with soymilk. Yay.

Morning snack: Fage 2% with chopped gala apple, creamy peanut butter and agave nectar. i haven't had an apple with PB in ages, so this was lovely. I don't why, but I really like the yogurt and peanut butter combination. Also peanut butter and cottage cheese. Is that weird? I really don't care if it is, but I'm curious.

Lunch: Tuna mixed with mashed avocado and cucumber sliced on sprouted grain bread. I know I'm bent on being vegetarian again, but for something I'd rather not have to eat - this really wasn't bad and it was actually kinda good. I also had cottage cheese with a sliced tomato, and some grilled corn.

I didn't photograph my afternoon snack - the whole experience of being locked out of the house was rather dramatic (imagine me, standing at the front door, cussing like a sailor as I search for house keys. I live four houses down from a Catholic church/school. School was ending. I fear I may have corrupted some youth today) But! I did have a vanilla yogurt with sliced strawberries.

Dinner: Whole-wheat pasta with green beans, peas and broccoli tossed with olive oil and rosemary, topped with cubed raw tofu. I haven't been one to use much seasoning in the past, but I tried a little bit tonight - and I have to say, it does make a big difference. Its been a fear of mine, not sure why. But I'm glad I decided to try it out.

Nighttime snack was a new creation. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:

Chocolate-Coconut Brownie Oatbran. Hell yeah. It was even better than it looked.
In the mix here is: 1/4 cup oatbran cooked in ~1/2 cup water +1/2 cup chocolate soymilk, 1/2 TBS unsweetened cocoa, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/2 tsp brown sugar. Topped with 1TBS flaked coconut and dark chocolate chips.
This bowl was possibly the only way to end my day today. Can we all take a guess at what time of the month it is to boot? Yeah.

:sigh: After some deep discussion with my mom, I have come to the conclusion that I need to gain more weight, even if my doctor said I was fine. I don't want to say what my BMI or weight is at, I don't want to trigger anyone. But lets just say, it is a *bit* lower than I thought it was when I was given the OK to maintain. Apparently, my doctor didn't think I could handle weighing more than where I am at now, and said "I'd rather see you be underweight but able to live your life, than see you push for optimum health only to end up having another severe relapse like last spring. I don't think you or your family could handle going through that again, do you?" How very inspiring and motivating, right? But, I've spent a week thinking on this and I'm not going to let any doctor tell me what I'm capable of. I mean, really now - last June this same man said I was too sick to be helped via outpatient treatment, and that there was nothing he could do because no IPs would take me at the weight I was at ("too far gone for their facilities to be willing to take the risk") and my insurance was refusing to cover me for anything more than a week of NG-tubing (because that would *really* help - if anything, it would have revved my metabolism up and I'd have ended up at even lower weight when I got home) If I can do what I've done, with their rejection and disparaging outlooks, I can do this now without their faith. I don't need it.

Something I wanted to share. In the past - my recovery has always been for other people, and promoted by outside sources. I never did it for myself or of my own volition. I always needed someone else to make it okay for me to stop exercising, or to start eating more. God, I can remember so many times, spending those hours tormenting myself with exercise, I would hope and pray, sometimes even cry, wishing that someone would come home, hold me and tell me I didn't need to do it anymore, that it was okay and I didn't need to continue punishing myself. Or when I was pushing myself to run those miles in the depth of January, I would feel my bones growing stiff and achey, and I would wish that a friend would drive by and insist that I was insane, and that I needed to stop. I was always wishing, hoping for someone else to save me, to give me that assurance that it was okay for me to not listen to my ED-voice, to tell me that it was wrong and that I didn't need to suffer and sacrifce myself and my happiness anymore. But those words never came, no one ever stopped me. The biggest and most valuable lesson I have come to have is this: We do not need anyone else's approval to be good to ourselves. ED may say to do certain things, but we always have the choice in the end, whether to listen or to rise above. While the reassurance from others is good, and it is certainly helpful, its not something to depend on. We do not need anyone else's approval. Just because someone doesn't tell you that its okay to have that extra snack you know you need, doesn't mean its not okay to have it, or just because no one tells you that you don't deserve to be punished, doesn't mean its not true. Having your own voice to tell you those things is more than enough reason. Something I am still working on is building that trust and belief within myself, but I have to say, as time progresses, it is getting better. Every day we get through, makes us one day stronger. Especially the bad days. IAnd the more we get through, the easier it will become. Life may never be easy - but that doesn't mean it should be spent suffering in the corner. We can live as we always dreamed, without ED or anyone else's permission.


  1. Hey I'm so sorry I've been out of touch! I'm trying to catch up. :)

    Yay for taking your own life and future into your hands! After all, it's you that gets to live it...but you also have more to give when you "take your life."

    Also, a lot of it isn't so much that people don't "want you to stop hurting yourself/improve something" it's more that they realize there's only so much they can do, then it has to be your choice. I know that's why my mom finally just stepped out completely. I've still seen her cry when stuff comes up about what might have happened because of my ED or staying too light too long, but it "seems" like she doesn't care if I chang[ed] or not because she stopped doing anything to encourage or push me. But really it just became pointless for me to do things just to be "ok with her" when the whole point of everything was really for what I stood to reap.

    Your life is in front of you...what will it hold for YOU?
    ...and CAN you do what your Dr/team think is just plain impossible for you? I think considering the turnaround you already made, you totally are up for the challenge of a REAL recovery even if your labeled as the classic "just keep her surviving, she's past recoverable."

    p.s. cottage cheese and pb is a classic among most of my friends! Not weird at all. ;-)

  2. I can't really put into words how much I agree with everything you just said. Thank you.

    And PB with a lot of things is good. Like celery - it sounds wierd, but its delish.



  3. Like Emma I can't state enough how much I agree with your post.. I'm also so proud of you for taking control into your own hands and sculpting a life for yourself that's the way YOU know it should and could be, not ED.
    Very proud and happy for you, lovely.

  4. Hmm I really don't agree with your doctor's approach, but I can see where he is coming from. I am SO GLAD that you are being really mature and looking out for your own health and best interests by not SETTLING for a low weight just because you're "allowed" to! Recovery is so YOU can be happy and live fully, not for your dr or for anyone else! I'm so glad you painted again, too bad about the bugs! Good thing you had someone you could call to take care of that...I don't know what I would have done lol! Hope you have a great Saturday!

  5. i am so glad that you see that you need to be at a healthier weight despite the doctors advice..prove him wrong!!!:) i was told too that i was too sick to be helped..they wanted to send eliza and i to a "higher level of care" when we in in Renfrew because we were on bedrest sooo long,and they didint feel "safe" with use under their care. ..and now i showed them i am in recovery and gained weight at home!

    love your eats! the nighty snack omg! looks to die for:) i am so re creating that;)

  6. some very good points here tori,
    i am beyond proud of you for making all these healthy steps in your life. i can relate to so many of the things that you are saying. and YES we need to take care of ourselves. we can only recover if we want it for us and not for anyone else. otherwise we are dependant on this person. we need to love ourselves.
    thank you for sharinf these thoughts

  7. you inspire me and this food looks NOMNOM. :D
    as always theres that jealously of wanting to be able to eat as much, but i know it always swings both ways, and it may not be fun for everyone to need so much. hmm :) xxx

  8. I totally feel you on the whole waiting for others to declare you sick. Back when I had relapsed I had no limit. There was no stopping point for me... well except for one thing. I thought I wasn't sick if no one came up to me and told me I was. Or atleast asked me if I was okay. I think people just don't know how to approach eating disorders. Because no one ever did tell me how sick I looked and that I should seek help. Fortunately, though there are the people in our lives who do support us. My family for instance has been there for me and I know they would do anything for me. I don't think I would allow them to do something really far-fetched though.

    ANYWAY! I'm glad you didn't have a wooden leg or else those termites probably would've gnawed it off :)

  9. i wished someone would tell me i didn't have to do it, too, that i didn't deserve it. but like you, no one did. and you're absolutely right, as everyone else has said - we shouldn't need others' permission. in the end, if someone HAD said something...would it have been enough to stop us? who knows if we would have dismissed it, like 'that didn't count because ___'. i can see it happening, it would be pretty typical of eating disorders.
    i think it's wonderful that you are making the choice to gain more despite your doctor's (in my opinion) slightly insulting advice. keep proving him wrong, and all those people who said you were 'too far gone'. you are a strong girl, you've proved that countless times by how you've pulled yourself up and kept determined despite fear. it's hard to be proud, or even just happy with yourself, but i think you should be.

  10. Beautiful post Tori! "we do not need anyone else's approval to be good to ourselves." reminds me of Whitney Huston's song "The greatest love of all" So proud of you for taking this step up and seeking a better future for your self and not for others or in non-self-valued ways! :-)