Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Learning.

Today, I learned a great many things. First and foremost - I have made more progress than I realize. I hate to reveal more information than needs to be told. I know my self-worth is not the greatest it could be, but the fact that I am not choosing to please every boy who shows any sign of interest in me is a huge step. I feel good about this being able to say "No" when I don't like someone. I think that my past history actually fueled my ED. It enabled my eating disorder in that it could fill my head with thoughts of "You're not worth anything to anyone. This is all you'll ever be and its all your good for. You''re just another notch in the bedpost." I am learning not to let that happen anymore though. At least not as much. And I have noticed my sense of self worth improving because of it. I can look in the mirror and feel good about who I am. And that is wonderful. I'm also really excited to be able to say that I haven't lost my knack at painting.

It's only a third of the way done so far maybe, but I figured I'd show y'all what I've been working on.
Today was also a gym day. Now, I was blissfully unaware of the fact that the ladies' locker room had a scale until this morning. :sigh: I just don't understand why they need to put something like that there. For one thing, weighing yourself after a workout really isn't an accurate thing. And secondly - who the hell wants to weigh themselves in public? I mean really now. Some woman actually asked me to read the scale for her! I did of course, but I felt rather silly given my current aversion to scales. I'm rather anxious about tomorrow being a weigh-day. :sigh: Must take what comes. I know I can deal with whatever it is that tomorrow brings, but at times its hard. I felt so good about myself today and I guess because I'm so used to attributing good with weight loss, its hard to distinguish whether I felt good because I just was happy and had a good day, or if it was somehow my ED being happy for currently unbeknownst reasons.
Mm. No use worrying about it I suppose. I didn't feel any ED thoughts today, so I was probably just happy.

Breakfast this morning was my favorite.

!/2 cup Dorset Berries n Cherries (<3 this. Too bad they stopped selling it at my local grocery store. I've been trying to save what I've got left) with 1/2 cup Bear Naked granola, 1/2 large sliced banana, almonds, flaked coconut, creamy peanut butter and soymilk. On the side I had the other half my 'naner with cottage cheese and toast.

Ok. Midmorning snack I made a discovery. See, I made part of my snack before I went to the gym so I wouldn't have as much to fuss with when I came home. So - plopped my Fage 2% into a bowl, scooped some Nutella on top and drizzled it with agave. Added plastic wrap, back into the fridge it went. Apparently, there is a reason why the jar of Nutella says "Do Not Refrigerate".

Do you see how well formed and solid that is? I mean really - its a perfectly frozen-in-time drop. As you can tell, what I came home to was not the usual, soft goopy Nutella we all know. Instead, it was a solid-but-semi soft chocolaty hunk in the middle of my yogurt. I didn't realize this until I tried to dip my apple slices in it. I ended up cutting the Nutella with a spoon so I could eat it. ZOMG. It was like fudge! I kid you not. I can see where putting the whole container in the fridge would be a bad idea. But for reals - this semi-solidified Nutella discovery was amazing!
Next time, I may do this on purpose. Perhaps with banana.

Lunch wasn't anything special - a basic PBJ with the usual accompaniments. And afternoon and evening snacks were pretty much the usual as well - yogurt/strawberries/honey/almonds and pumpkin-raisin-peanut butter oats.


Dinner was bulgur wheat mixed with tahini and some spices, sweet corn and peas topped with grated carrot, olive oil and a wedge of raw tofu. Soo good. I liked using the tahini and spices as a change from just plain ol' hummus. Made me feel like I was actually cooking again instead of just mixing a bunch of this and that together.

Today has been super busy for me. Its almost kind of nice, feeling tired at the end of the day, and starting to see myself get my life back. Well, the latter is definitely nice. The tired part may take some getting used to. In addition to this, I may not post as often anymore. I'll try to update everyday, but there are going to be days where I just don't get to it or don't feel up to it. And of course there will be days where I spill all, and days (like today) where I only get a few meals up. Because I really love my blog, and I cannot express in words how this has helped me get through the past few months. Even before starting my own blog - I read many of them, and so many of you all inspired me so much. I definitely don't want to give it up - I love the community. But I think I need to move away from the pressure a bit. There are days when writing everything down, and really thinking about things is truly helpful and makes me more aware of the things I need to watch for, but also of the things I have improved and made progress in. But other days, I just don't want to think about it. I feel like I am following suit of so many others, but in a way, I think it makes sense. So many of us are all moving into the same phase of recovery now - where we are trying to regain ourselves and our lives. Hopefully, this time around things are going to be different, and become real for everyone.

3 comments:

  1. I have to say, your posts are always near the top of my 'must read' list. You offer so much to those of us going through the beginnings of recovery, and I love to hear from you. Although I'm sad to hear that you may not be posting as often, it makes me very happy to hear that you are going to be living life instead of writing about it.

    I love the painting!

    Love,
    Emma

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  2. You have so much to be proud of hon!! I'm so glad you're happy and getting healthier, and definitely thrilled to see that you're not letting dumb boys walk all over you anymore. You're so beautiful, talented, and smart and deserve the very best out there, so you absolutely need to be very picky about who gets the pleasure of spending time with you! Plus recovery needs to be about you, all this time and effort is healing you. I have avoided also be that dating for quite some time now, at first it was because of ED but now its a very conscious choice. I just don't want to devote that energy to a relationship or even to going on dates that I don't think will be fun. Yes, I'm very picky, and honestly haven't met anyone that has appealed to me, but a lot of that may be that part of me has known all along that it wouldn't be the best thing for me to do. Just spend your time with good friends that make you happy and actually give back to the relationship.
    Take whatever weight you are tomorrow for what it is, just a number. I've been struggling with the weight too because I accidentally lost weight, upped my calories and lost more, so my metabolism must just be crazy, but I want to focus more on how I feel about food and my life in general and I'll just keep increasing and hope for the best. I'm taking lots of ideas from your blog!
    Also, that painting is BEAUTIFUL!!! I love it, you're so talented. Keep at it and one day when I'm rich and you're famous I'll pay you millions for it :D

    BIG HUGS!!
    Gaby

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  3. I can relate all too well to your issue of not saying 'No.' I've done way too much with way too many people without really wanting to do it, regretting it almost immediately. Is this healthy? No way. But I can change it and can learn from the past. If anything, this experience is something to gain from, and you have to take all of these revelations in the sense that you'll be a better person because of it.

    Amazing painting - keep it up!

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