Today started off well. I felt pretty good when I woke up and everything seemed alright.:sigh: Don't you hate when the eating disorder sneaks up on you? I think the combination of being tired and having a not-so-great therapy session made the end of my day a bit more difficult to get through. I have truly noticed that when I don't get enough sleep - I am much more vulnerable to the anorexic thinking. I don't know if its just me or not. But I think that the lack of energy causes me to not be able to think around and outside of the ED-box. I'm beginning to believe it takes far more energy and focus to think positively than one might realize. The ED-thoughts are so ingrained and so easy to spin that they take no effort. I suppose it makes sense actually.
Anyways! Breakfast this morning was lovely.
In the bowl: Dorset Berries n Cherries, carmelized banana, slivered almonds and vanilla soy milk topped with a tablespoon each of creamy and White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butters. My mom was totally laughing at me because I saved that scoop of WCW for the very end. ^.^ I also had some cottage cheese and juice.
Midmorning snack: Fage 2%, almonds, 1/2 chopped apple, golden raisins and drizzle of honey. Apple pie'd yogurt is definitely something I have decided I like.
I tried something new for lunch! I had 1/4 cup tuna mixed with 1/4 cup part-skim ricotta and tossed in the other half of my chopped apple and spread it on multi-grain bread. I actually could only fit about half of my tuna mix on the sammie, so I put the rest of it stuffed into half a tomato with green beans and cucumber on top. It was pretty good, but I got a horrible stomach ache after lunch. I've notcied this happens sometimes. Not sure why, but I *really* wish it didn't.
Afternoon snack was had at therapy. I brought along a vanilla yogurt with strawberries and almonds for fixings but forgot to take a picture. I was kind of in a rush. My appointments are usually at 3:30 or 4:00, but today's was an hour early. So of course, silly me had to run around the house like a nut.
Dinner: I made the old standby, good thing too. It was a hard afternoon. My therapist was kind of interrogating me, in search of ED thinking or whatever that might be lurking around. And of course, we all know the power of suggestion. :sigh: Why can't I just feel good and leave it at that? What purpose does analyzing everything serve? It takes the bliss of the feeling away. I know therapy has its undoubted benefits, but sometimes, I just want to let my feelings be. I don't want to scrutinize the good until they suddenly feel bad and wrong.
Foruntately, I started to feel better just in time to enjoy this:
Nighttime snack was oatbran cooked with cinnamon, brown sugar, vanilla, coffee creamer and canned pumpkin stirred in, topped with a tablespoon of dark chocolate chips. Yum. I've been trying to become slightly less dependent on the peanut butter - there have been days where I've had more than a quarter cup! Not that I'm ashamed of that. But there are other foods out there besides PB, and I don't want to stick just to that (along with other nuts, avocadoes and olive oil) as my only true sources of fat. Must expand horizons! Something I have determined for myself is that even if I am maintaining where I'm at for now, I still need to continue to improve with my eating disordered habits, and I must continue to challenge myself with foods I am afraid of. Its the only way to beat this thing for good. And I know in my heart, its my only option besides eventual decease. So, vivero e prevarro. I will live, I will overcome. (BTW - I have those words scripted over the broken and sutured heart I have tattooed on my ribcage. I have 3 tattoos total so far - rib cage, hip, and a full chest piece One of these days, I might do a tatoo post, and tell you all the glorious stories behind my ink. )
Hope everyone had a good Wednesday. I love Wednesdays - means the weekend is almost here ^.^
Living the Crazy Life
1 month ago