Friday, May 1, 2009

May First.

So, today was a fairly good day. I felt good when I woke up anyways, and most of the day too. I keep getting these horrible stomach pains though and I can't figure out why. Its weird too, like nearly every afternoon this week. Hmm. Oh well. It might just be nerves. Because quite literally, almost every night I get at least two or three guys asking me out. And I know it should be flattering, but I find it more confusing than anything. I hate having to say no to someone, but I obviously can't be two places at once. Sometimes, I deal. Other times, like tonight, I break down and just don't go out at all. Which is equally frustrating but somehow less intimidating. :sigh: It will get better in time, I just need to adjust to all this attention. Its very hard when you have spent so much time trying to make yourself invisible and undesirable, to then suddenly have everyone around you wanting something from you. I guess it doesn't quite make sense in my head. But I suppose it doesn't have to. Its just the way it is and eventually I will get used to it.

On the bright side, I had a fantastic breakfast.

Kashi Autumn Wheat with raisins, sliced banana, almonds and vanilla soymilk topped with lots of coconut flakes and white chocolate peanut butter. This was soo good.What I like to do is heat up my shredded wheat, milk and raisins first then top it with everything else, gets all soft and creamy. But, I must credit Maya and Eliza for giving me the idea to combine white chocolate PB and coconut. Wonderful combination! Also had a glass of juice as usual.

Mid-morning snack was a Fage 2% with Bear Naked granola, golden raisins, and agave nectar. I always love this combination.

I went to the gym today. I really love going, I always feel so good about myself afterwards. It was funny today though - apparently I forgot to bring a towel with me. But I *really* wanted to shower before getting dressed. So I ended up taking the shower, using my gym shirt as a towel and using one of the hand-held blow dryers to blow myself dry. I couldn't believe I did it afterwards. I stood there, in the locker room, in front of other people, with just a sports-bra and pants on. o.0 I really must be getting more confident, eh? After I came home, I made a quick snack of half a cup cottage cheese with some toast.

Lunch was Ezekial bread with natural creamy peanut butter and blueberry preserves. Also had mixed veggies with cottage cheese, and some dressed green beans. It was really rather chilly in my house this afternoon, so I nuked my sandwich in the mircowave for oldtimes sake. Soo good.

Mid-afternoon snack was a parfait made with plain yogurt mixed with ground flax, and two "layers" of cinnamon rice cake crumbles and strawberries.

Dinner: Bulgur wheat with tahini, sweet peas, corn and a bit of red bell pepper, topped with tofu and a side of sauteed broccoli. I love this meal, its so easy!

Apple-pied oats return! Oats cooked with vanilla cream, brown sugar, cinnamon and a chopped McIntosh apple topped with cinnamon raisin peanut butter. another good standy that never fails me after a hard day. And while today wasn't hard per say, I feel very worn due to stress. As I typed this - three boys asked me out. No lie. Am I just super-strange, or would anyone else find this to be confusing and slightly stressful? I don't know. I want so badly to jump back into my life, but its like something in my head somewhere prevents me from it. I'm not sure if its ED, or me trying to keep myself safe. I suppose it doesn't matter. When I'm ready for my former all night - every night self again, I'll know.


  1. I agree, 3 boys would be quite a lot to juggle! I'm feeling overwhelmed by just one, lol! I'm really glad that today went well for you...the little display of confidence you showed in the locker room is awesome! I think that's a great sign about your overall state! Your breakfast looks soooo good too!

  2. Three boys - wowee. No ownder you'refeeling overwhelmed love! But focusing on other areas of your life - achievements like the shower room incident, waking up and feeling GOOD about yourself - they are what you should think about and concentrate on because they are signs that you are breaking truly away from ED <3 And all those boys think you're sexy as hell ;-)

  3. tori, you are an amazing inspiration to me. i love reading your posts. i really hope that you have all the strength to fianlly overcome anorexia this time.
    and three boys indeed is a lot to handle but as i said before i am not surprised. you seems to be a really great person to whom men are attracted. see it as a great compliment. you're doing so well. come on join me in making the 6th year the last one for us!!!! we dont need this in our life do we?
    lots of love