Today was a pretty good day. I spent the afternoon at my friend's house, playing with his dogs (yay! I miss my own dog so much at times) and listening to him spin records ,which he's very good at. I always love his mixes - its something I can never do, despite his attempts at teaching me to spin. We're a lot a like, very critical of our "work" and I always have to remind him not to be so hard on himself. He does the same for me when I'm talking about my art. We have a somewhat odd relationship (then again - aren't all of my relations to the opposite sex a bit peculiar?) In November, it will be six years since we first met. I remember it clear as day too, it was a bit gray outside and he asked if he could walk me home from school. I said yes and as we made our way down the streets, the sun came out. :sigh: Its a terribly confusing story, but I haven't talked to him in a long time. He is a really good friend though and I am glad we are talking and hanging out again. He's really understanding, and while he doesn't quite "get" anorexia - he does understand that it screws with my head, and that recovering from it is like a responsibility I have taken on for myself. Which is nice, because most people tell me to just eat a cheeseburger.
I also went to the gym this morning. i really love going - it makes me feel so good about myself. I've only been going for like 2-3 weeks but already I can tell my body is 10x stronger. I'm also really proud of myself - I worked on my painting a bit more today. For some reason, the ED hates whenever I do something that makes me happy. But I did it because its what I wanted to do, and I felt good about it.
Breakfast was Bircher-Muesli. 1/2 cup oats soaked over night in vanilla caramel coffee creamer, with a 1/4 cup raisins stirred in this morning and mixed with a pear yogurt. Then I added almonds, sliced banana and 1/4 cup granola, with a scoop of creamy peanut butter on top. This bowl was soo good. Definitely a favorite combination. Also had the usual glass of juice.
Snack was cottage cheese with honey, 1/2 a chopped apple and 1/2 a crumbled Apple Pie Larabar. I had the rest of my apple and larabar on the side
Lunch: Bulgur wheat mixed with hummus, sweet corn, grated carrot, almonds, 1/3 mashed avocado and tofu with half a tomato. I also had some strawberries and cottage cheese and toast. I was late getting home from the gym and needed to pack in the extra calories.
Afternoon snack was a plain yogurt with orange marmalade and coconut flakes. Love this combinaton, even if it slighty resembels a fried egg. :\
Dinner: Pasta mixed with green beans, peas, romaine and olive oil with cooked broccoli and a dressed salmon fillet. :sigh: I still feel odd at times eating fish like this - my head just spins. But I am eating it, and will continue to do so until my family understands and believes its not an anorexic choice to be vegetarian. I have caused them enough worry, and I fear any changes in my diet right now will make them paranoid about me.
Honestly, I am so sick of having to worry, wonder, care about what other people think or feel. I'm tired of being afraid of causing any upsets or distress. I'm tired of trying to make everyone else's lives as easy as possible even when it means I sacrifice my own needs and wants. I don't know how to stop it though. Its a habit I suppose, like anything else. I always desperately want to make sure other people are happy. But I am trying to remind myself that its okay for me to be happy too.
Snack before bed was a little bit of a treat, hadn't had this combo in a while so I figured, why not?
Oatmeal with strawberries and Nutella <3
Overall, I like to think today was a good day. With the weather turning up, I hope there will be more of them. For everyone.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago