I am so sorry for not posting yesterday! Oh man. It was such tremendous day. I was exhausted by the time I got home, plus I started coming down with a cold. I think I have dranken more fluids today than I ever thought humanly possible.
Anyways! Most importantly. I wanted to thank everyone who left comments on my previous post. You all...your words leave me speechless. Something I would like to touch on though - it does not matter where you've been or what you've done to get there. The bottom line with eating disorders is suffering. I know a few of you have read my experience, and thought less of your own. Please do not think that. I was on an acute, locked down ward. Entirely different situation, and it is not fair to yourselves to compare one with another. Everyone with an eating disorder feels those same feelings of losing themselves. It just so happens that my most recent inpatient facility decided to run with that idea. In some ways, it was easy there. It some ways, it wasn't, just like any other place. There is no perfect treatment protocol as we are all individuals and respond to different ideas and techniques.
Now. About Monday. Oh. It was glorious, truly. My mom and I went shopping. And I bought clothes! Nice clothes! Things that made me feel good in my body, that were flattering and most of all - I actually looked twenty!! I've been wearing the same t-shirts and things since high school. So needless to say, coupled with my genetic predisposition to looking young, I easily passed for 16 and yes, I have been hit on by boys that age. So! looking 20 is good stuff. I even tried on and purchased PANTS! Ok. Technically capris, but y'all get what I mean. I found things I liked that fit. This is huge for me! It was really hard, because things were a bit more expensive than what I am used to allowing myself to spend. My mom kept insisting it was okay though and she reminded me that I keep clothing for a long time, so it was a good investment.She also reminded me that I have actually gotten about an inch taller since I last really purchased clothing, so if we actually found stuff in my size that was long enough, we needed to buy it.
After doing some shopping, we stopped for lunch. OK. Now if you know me, you know that while I get scared or nervous quite easily, whenver I do anything, I do it with a bang. I don't typically take baby steps as a person. I was the girl who cannon-balled into the deep end of the pool before anyone else even had their bathing suits on (actually, I did that at age 2, no floaties on. muahaha! talk about giving your parents a heart attack right?) Anyways! Here is my cannonball:
Yep. Sbarro's cheese pizza. Ate the whole slice too, with a non-diet soda on the side too. ^.^ Oh man. OK. My head kept telling me to go home and make a peanut butter sammie instead. But I was determined. This is my first "self-administered" slice of pizza in seven years. I have eaten pizza whilst inpatient all the times I was admitted, but never on my own at home or anything like that. And given all the trauma that followed aforemention IP-pizza, I don't think it counts.
When I came home, I purged my wardrobe. I went through everything, tried everything on without getting triggered by the ED. I know its mainly because my only issue was things being obsecenly short, or just holding too many memories of the ED-days. It felt really good though. And now I have so much more closet space. Yay! Afterward, I went out and hung with my dj-friend again for a bit. I really do like spending time with him, he is so understanding and he never places judgment on me. He's very sweet.
So then last night I started to feel ill. Super sore throat, could barely sleep. I am really, really proud of myself though. I had three throat lozenges to help me sleep throughout the night. Normally, my anorexic self would kick in and be like "WTF are you doing? Those things are like drugged candy! They have calories!" And yea, I did feel a bit nervous by the time I needed a third one. But I had it anyways and I slept like a baby for a good four hours.
This morning's been a bit rough. I've been needing to drink so much, its really killing my appetite. Plus it hurts to talk or swallow. But I made a few changes to my meals to incorporate soft, creamy and cold or warm things. And its worked rather well. For instance, I have discovered the ultimate go-to-when-sick breakfast:
In my bowl: 1/2 cup each Swiss Familia and vanilla soy with 1/4 cup raisins soaked for 45 minutes in the AM. Then stirred it up with a Fage 2%, a little over a dozen almonds, a tablespoon of walnuts and some honey. Soo perfect. Bircher-muesli is great to have if yor throat is bothering you. The cold-creamy-softness of it totally soothed my throat. And honey is supposed to be a natural soothing and healing agent. Plus, the taste is lightly sweet, so its not over bearing or anything that might upset your stomach.
I am also proud to say that throughout the day to day, in addition to my waters, I have indulged in some cream soda. I haven't had that in years either. But I always used to drink soda when I had sore throats in the past, and it always helped. So I got three strikes in one with that - relief, enjoyment and I have allowed myself one more thing that my ED denied me.
Well, I hope everyone is having better health than I am at the moment. Happy Tuesday!
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago