Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Out to Lunch.

I am so sorry for not posting yesterday! Oh man. It was such tremendous day. I was exhausted by the time I got home, plus I started coming down with a cold. I think I have dranken more fluids today than I ever thought humanly possible.

Anyways! Most importantly. I wanted to thank everyone who left comments on my previous post. You all...your words leave me speechless. Something I would like to touch on though - it does not matter where you've been or what you've done to get there. The bottom line with eating disorders is suffering. I know a few of you have read my experience, and thought less of your own. Please do not think that. I was on an acute, locked down ward. Entirely different situation, and it is not fair to yourselves to compare one with another. Everyone with an eating disorder feels those same feelings of losing themselves. It just so happens that my most recent inpatient facility decided to run with that idea. In some ways, it was easy there. It some ways, it wasn't, just like any other place. There is no perfect treatment protocol as we are all individuals and respond to different ideas and techniques.

Now. About Monday. Oh. It was glorious, truly. My mom and I went shopping. And I bought clothes! Nice clothes! Things that made me feel good in my body, that were flattering and most of all - I actually looked twenty!! I've been wearing the same t-shirts and things since high school. So needless to say, coupled with my genetic predisposition to looking young, I easily passed for 16 and yes, I have been hit on by boys that age. So! looking 20 is good stuff. I even tried on and purchased PANTS! Ok. Technically capris, but y'all get what I mean. I found things I liked that fit. This is huge for me! It was really hard, because things were a bit more expensive than what I am used to allowing myself to spend. My mom kept insisting it was okay though and she reminded me that I keep clothing for a long time, so it was a good investment.She also reminded me that I have actually gotten about an inch taller since I last really purchased clothing, so if we actually found stuff in my size that was long enough, we needed to buy it.
After doing some shopping, we stopped for lunch. OK. Now if you know me, you know that while I get scared or nervous quite easily, whenver I do anything, I do it with a bang. I don't typically take baby steps as a person. I was the girl who cannon-balled into the deep end of the pool before anyone else even had their bathing suits on (actually, I did that at age 2, no floaties on. muahaha! talk about giving your parents a heart attack right?) Anyways! Here is my cannonball:

Yep. Sbarro's cheese pizza. Ate the whole slice too, with a non-diet soda on the side too. ^.^ Oh man. OK. My head kept telling me to go home and make a peanut butter sammie instead. But I was determined. This is my first "self-administered" slice of pizza in seven years. I have eaten pizza whilst inpatient all the times I was admitted, but never on my own at home or anything like that. And given all the trauma that followed aforemention IP-pizza, I don't think it counts.
When I came home, I purged my wardrobe. I went through everything, tried everything on without getting triggered by the ED. I know its mainly because my only issue was things being obsecenly short, or just holding too many memories of the ED-days. It felt really good though. And now I have so much more closet space. Yay! Afterward, I went out and hung with my dj-friend again for a bit. I really do like spending time with him, he is so understanding and he never places judgment on me. He's very sweet.

So then last night I started to feel ill. Super sore throat, could barely sleep. I am really, really proud of myself though. I had three throat lozenges to help me sleep throughout the night. Normally, my anorexic self would kick in and be like "WTF are you doing? Those things are like drugged candy! They have calories!" And yea, I did feel a bit nervous by the time I needed a third one. But I had it anyways and I slept like a baby for a good four hours.
This morning's been a bit rough. I've been needing to drink so much, its really killing my appetite. Plus it hurts to talk or swallow. But I made a few changes to my meals to incorporate soft, creamy and cold or warm things. And its worked rather well. For instance, I have discovered the ultimate go-to-when-sick breakfast:

In my bowl: 1/2 cup each Swiss Familia and vanilla soy with 1/4 cup raisins soaked for 45 minutes in the AM. Then stirred it up with a Fage 2%, a little over a dozen almonds, a tablespoon of walnuts and some honey. Soo perfect. Bircher-muesli is great to have if yor throat is bothering you. The cold-creamy-softness of it totally soothed my throat. And honey is supposed to be a natural soothing and healing agent. Plus, the taste is lightly sweet, so its not over bearing or anything that might upset your stomach.

I am also proud to say that throughout the day to day, in addition to my waters, I have indulged in some cream soda. I haven't had that in years either. But I always used to drink soda when I had sore throats in the past, and it always helped. So I got three strikes in one with that - relief, enjoyment and I have allowed myself one more thing that my ED denied me.

Well, I hope everyone is having better health than I am at the moment. Happy Tuesday!


  1. Tori - this post made me smile. I understand the suffering thing, and how each of us suffers in our own unique, self-critical way. Its the most painful part of ED for me.

    Congratulations on the new clothing, but more importantly the great, pizza-ful day! That's amazing - I'm not even sure I could do that!

    I'm so sorry to hear you are sick - feel better soon. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, so I hope whatever has you down goes away quickly.


  2. You made so much progress in this post - pizza! new pants (this is a hard one for me too)! looking like the 20 year old you are! You totally deserve all of these things, and you are definitely inspiring me to conquer a few of the things that I've been avoiding myself.

    Have a great rest of your week!

  3. AHH! I literally just eeked and clappe aloud in my apartment. haha (Not even kidding!) I am so effing excited for you right now! I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am for you! I honestly feel so jittery and excited!!! Ahhhh! You have deserved a day like this for lord knows how long. First off, to go shopping and to ENJOY it! Especially to be with your mom and to have her so genuinely adamant about you getting things that make you feel beautiful and amazing. Oh and way to go on the pants! I know you had said you used to live in that one pair of jeans and just think, now you have a new pair that makes you look darn freaking good! Wohooo on the wardrobe purging...it must have been such a liberating feeling to get rid of all that stuff that just stared at you from your closet!

    So this is where you deserve a HUGE ASS (pardon the french) hug! To have not eaten pizza for 7 years and then to just embrace it today and eat that bad boy right up! WOHOOO! So proud of you!

    p.s. I heart that story about being the "canon ball" kid...so totally me! I always had to do things to the biggest and best extreme. haha Seriously, everything about this post just made me ecstatic. Thank you thank you thank you!

    p.p.s. SO sorry you're sicky. :( Try Yogi Tea Cold Fighter (or something) like that. It actually really helps.

  4. Congratulations! There are no words to say how happy am for you. I don't even need to find them, because your accomplishments speak for themselves.

    Feel better soon!

    Much love,

  5. tori !!!

    oh my goodness. i dont even think i can come up with words to describe my happiness for you... but i will say that you contiune to amaze me day after day. even when things are rough, you manage to smile and keep moving forward. i hope you go to bed with a big smile on your face tonight. you deserve this freedom and so much more! nice new clothing! pizza! the world is yours! i wish you the best right now - feel better and rest up. you are a super star :D

    love you so much! again, congratulations!

    xo brooke

    p.s being able to look 20 feels great, doesnt it? although, now i am having to work twice as hard. in my emaciation stages i was always being told how old i look - now i am being asked if im able to drive...?! ahh its okay. we can embrace our new selves together in new clothing!

  6. "self administered pizza" LOL! I like this post a lot..I agree that comparing EDs/anything else in life doesn't help anyone! "Compare and despair!" I'm so glad you went shopping and found cute clothes that make you feel good!!

  7. Tori!! So so SO proud of you for everything from the clothes to the pizza to the cough sweets to your attitude! You never caese to amaze me - you're growing more beautiful and radiant every day and it makes me smile so much.
    Ooh our IP unit never had pizza - it was the one fear food they couldn't seem to manage to freeze, apparently? (everything was frozen food dished out... We used to steal the boxes to look at the calories when the delivery guy took them away.) Anyway, enough rambling but I think you're a star and isn't pizza great?!

  8. if you thought julia roberts has a big smile tori, then you should see the smile that was on my face after reading this post. i am so happy for you that you challenged yourself to take these wonderful steps. remember they are the right steps. towards becoming who we really are. well done for buying yourself these new clothes and enjoy the feeling you have when you first wear them. i hope this day will stay in your memories as a very postive one and one that proves to you that anorexia is not going to be a part of you for your whole life. it is only visiting you and YES time to leave now!!!
    have a wonderful wednesday and i am sending you all the love in the world that you can smile and be happy today

  9. what a great post. congrats on all the challenges you faced today, especially the pizza! enjoy every moment of looking good in your new clothes - you totally deserve it.

  10. Tori, just seeing the picture of the pizza in my blogger dashboard made me smile! You should be so proud of yourself for all the challenges you took the other day. Pizza, ice cream soda, new clothes! Wow. You totally deserve to feel happy and carefree like that all the time. From the amount of progress you've made, I know you will soon.

    Keep moving up! Much love

  11. OMG Tori! You are the QUEEN! I'm so proud of you and soooo very impressed! I really hope the pizza was everything you hoped for and more. I still don't know if I could do fast food pizza (there's of course the cheese issue though) But I do remember when I first started ordering pizzas at restaurants again...sure I feel better because it's good quality italian pizza, but DAMN pizza is good, how could I have denied myself for so long?!
    I'm also super happy to hear you went out and bought new flattering clothes. I've been slowly working through a wardrobe purge myself, restocking some basics and getting things that actually fit. Don't feel bad about spending more! Your mom sounds so sweet and shes right, you're a beautiful...no, breathtaking! girl and should wear clothes that allow you to feel as beautiful as you truly are.
    I also hear you on the comforting foods. I've been baking muffins like crazy. Most recently some enormous maple pear that I've been warming up daily (ok sometimes twice daily) with some earth balance and lots of honey, so soothing!

    Keep up the amazing progress and kit on facebook :)

  12. This post made me smile. I am so proud of you and I know I always say this and I hope it is not annoying but: I'm also inspired!
    Having a slice of pizza, buying new pants.. Wow! So much progress. You deserve a huge pat on the back.
    It seems like you are really telling your ED to go to hell and getting on with your life. You WILL be free someday, Tori and you are getting closer, and closer everyday. Congrats!

  13. Tori, I have been an avid reader of your blog for only a few weeks, having stumbled upon it through the linkage of other blogs I was commited to reading. I have suffered from anorexia for 6 years, which is where my attraction to your posts comes from. I have read other blogs written by those going through or overcoming eating disorders, and I have to say yours is one of the few I can beleive, and even tolerate. I don't say this to offend anyone, but in my expereince I feel like anorexia (and other eating disorder, but especially anorexia) are either glamorized or tabooed. There never seems to be a middle ground. Even in novels and personal memoirs; the disorder is either potrayed as something real and fantastic, or as something debilitating and monstrous.
    You speak so eloquently in your posts, and I feel as though they are quietly honest. You delve into your true feelings and struggles, eating disorderd or otherwise, without being triggering in the least. You give just enough away to allow us as readers to feel your emotion and relate to it, but not so much that you make us feel uncomfortable, like we're violating a part of you. Your story has been so inpsiring to me. I mean this. I admire the way you continue to work toward a more heathful life. You don't hide your struggles, or accentuate them for that matter. I can tell, just by what you write here, on your blog, that you are a truly beautiful person, inside and out.
    You have no idea how much I appreciate your sincerity and the subtle, yet powerful way you describe your recovery. I had all but given up hope on myself, having watched myself struggle in the force of physical and mental atrophy for so long. You have shown me that no matter how far we let ourselves go into our disorded minds and thoughts, we can always find our way back.

    I feel so lucky to have found your blog, and though I don't have a blog of my own, thus the reason for my anominity, I will continue to read your posts. I am so thankful you made the decsison to get better, and even more, I am thankful that you shared that experience through this blog. You have helped me understand that there are those people out there who can articulate both sides of eating disorders. You are an inspiration Tori. I can only hope someday you can see how truly amazing you are.

    p.s I hope this didn't creep you out, I just really wanted to thank you. I was so close to giving up, and I really needed to see some light from someone who had been through something similar.