Today started out well enough. I actually did something for myself. I had planned on going to the gym, but found myself feeling tired this morning still (another late night out) so I decided not to go. I know it seems silly, but we all know how ED loves routines and hates changes in plans. But I did what I felt was best for me this morning and to hell with anorexia. And I still made an absolutely wonderful breakfast.
Bircher-muesli! I took a half cup of Swiss Familia Muesli, added two tablespoons of raisins and soaked it this morning in four ounces of vanilla soymilk for about half an hour. Then plopped it on top of a Fage 2%, and added 15 almonds, a sliced banana and a tablespoon each of flaked coconut, orange marmalade and creamy peanut butter. This was so good! I hadn't had the Swiss Familia cereal in forever - I highly reccommend it. For me, it ranks right up with Dorset Berries n Cherries and shredded wheat. So you know, its good stuff. It gets really nice and creamy when soaked in soymilk - almost looked like a pudding. This was definitely a breakfast to keep in my "books" for future reference haha.
So. Then the day started going south. I don't really know why, I just started to feel really overwhelmed by all the attention I've been getting lately. I kind of wanted to turn off my phone and curl up in bed so I could just hide. :sigh: I hate that feeling. I know logically, most people would love to have that many people interested in them. But for me - I've gone so long depriving myself of everything and trying to avoid drawing attention to myself, its like a shock to my brain and I can't always process it all at once. meh. I suppose in time it will get better. Maybe one day I won't even think anything of it. But coupled with the bit of nausea I had (anxiety much?) the attention just wasn't doin' it for me.
Not that long after, I found out my neighboor/childhood best friend was beaten and robbed the other day. He has seven staples in his head from being pistol whipped. Apparently, he heard a knock on the door and three guys came in, cracked his head open, duct taped his hands and feet, and stole everything of value that was transportable. Hearing this just...I don't know. Its really made me think a lot about things. Like this was something entirely out of his control - he was a victim, and truly there wasn't anything he could do to prevent it. He's lucky he wasn't hurt worse, for sure. But still. He's still fighting to keep his life as normal as possible and not let this affect him. Meanwhile, I've let my damn silly eating disorder essentially steal my life. And the eating disorder is something I can have control over, relapse is something that can be avoided and prevented and these thoughts and feelings are mine and mine alone - they are not the product of someone else's doing. But its just...I don't know. It doesn't seem right for me to have gone on struggling so long with something that now appears to be so petty. I know I shouldn't even be comparing the two situations, I mean really - two totally different things. But its hard to not have that little voice be like "You're weak, that's why you struggled so long. You're not as strong as you think, you're just pretending. if you were strong, you'd get over this an instant just like C" Argh! And I'm rather shocked and upset that this even happened to him. It just seems so surreal. I mean, he can be a little smug at times, but he has never purposely done harm to anyone so why would this happen? I mean really - who knocks on a door in the middle of the afternoon to beat and rob the person who answers? I just don't get it.
Needless to say, I have since spent the majority of the afternoon feeling like I would be sick and have been kind of struggling to eat. I am eating everything I need to - just not very keen on it. :sigh: Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I won't be feeling so out of it.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago