Sunday, May 17, 2009

Rough Day.

Today started out well enough. I actually did something for myself. I had planned on going to the gym, but found myself feeling tired this morning still (another late night out) so I decided not to go. I know it seems silly, but we all know how ED loves routines and hates changes in plans. But I did what I felt was best for me this morning and to hell with anorexia. And I still made an absolutely wonderful breakfast.

Bircher-muesli! I took a half cup of Swiss Familia Muesli, added two tablespoons of raisins and soaked it this morning in four ounces of vanilla soymilk for about half an hour. Then plopped it on top of a Fage 2%, and added 15 almonds, a sliced banana and a tablespoon each of flaked coconut, orange marmalade and creamy peanut butter. This was so good! I hadn't had the Swiss Familia cereal in forever - I highly reccommend it. For me, it ranks right up with Dorset Berries n Cherries and shredded wheat. So you know, its good stuff. It gets really nice and creamy when soaked in soymilk - almost looked like a pudding. This was definitely a breakfast to keep in my "books" for future reference haha.

So. Then the day started going south. I don't really know why, I just started to feel really overwhelmed by all the attention I've been getting lately. I kind of wanted to turn off my phone and curl up in bed so I could just hide. :sigh: I hate that feeling. I know logically, most people would love to have that many people interested in them. But for me - I've gone so long depriving myself of everything and trying to avoid drawing attention to myself, its like a shock to my brain and I can't always process it all at once. meh. I suppose in time it will get better. Maybe one day I won't even think anything of it. But coupled with the bit of nausea I had (anxiety much?) the attention just wasn't doin' it for me.

Not that long after, I found out my neighboor/childhood best friend was beaten and robbed the other day. He has seven staples in his head from being pistol whipped. Apparently, he heard a knock on the door and three guys came in, cracked his head open, duct taped his hands and feet, and stole everything of value that was transportable. Hearing this just...I don't know. Its really made me think a lot about things. Like this was something entirely out of his control - he was a victim, and truly there wasn't anything he could do to prevent it. He's lucky he wasn't hurt worse, for sure. But still. He's still fighting to keep his life as normal as possible and not let this affect him. Meanwhile, I've let my damn silly eating disorder essentially steal my life. And the eating disorder is something I can have control over, relapse is something that can be avoided and prevented and these thoughts and feelings are mine and mine alone - they are not the product of someone else's doing. But its just...I don't know. It doesn't seem right for me to have gone on struggling so long with something that now appears to be so petty. I know I shouldn't even be comparing the two situations, I mean really - two totally different things. But its hard to not have that little voice be like "You're weak, that's why you struggled so long. You're not as strong as you think, you're just pretending. if you were strong, you'd get over this an instant just like C" Argh! And I'm rather shocked and upset that this even happened to him. It just seems so surreal. I mean, he can be a little smug at times, but he has never purposely done harm to anyone so why would this happen? I mean really - who knocks on a door in the middle of the afternoon to beat and rob the person who answers? I just don't get it.

Needless to say, I have since spent the majority of the afternoon feeling like I would be sick and have been kind of struggling to eat. I am eating everything I need to - just not very keen on it. :sigh: Hopefully tomorrow will be better and I won't be feeling so out of it.

6 comments:

  1. i am so sorry about your friend/neighbor. that sounds horrible.
    well hang in there lovie. feel better, and btw that bfast looks amazing!!!!! <3

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  2. Tori - I'm very sorry to hear that you've had a hard day. Hearing about your neighbor must have been awful. Please don't be hard on yourself though - ED isn't in your control. It isn't part of you - its a bad thing that has affected your life true, but it isn't who you are.

    I hope you realize how strong and wonderful you are, and that tomorrow is a better day.

    On the plus side, your breakfast looks like it was amazing. ;)

    Love
    Emma

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  3. Aww Tori, I am SO sorry to hear about your neighbor. I can only imagine how shocking and upsetting that must have been to hear. I understand your feelings of self-blame and shame but you cannot dwell on these feelings. What has happened has happened and yes it is frustrating and we all wish we could have just snapped out of it and erased it but it will make us stronger, wiser, more amazing people. You hold the control NOW to make big changes and to turn your life around and to do things for you and not ED. We cannot focus on the past and the things we did/could or did not/could not do but instead, look to the places we can go and the things we can do with our lives. For you, there is an infinite amount of potential. I so hope you can see and believe that.

    I know the stress from all the attention has been overwhelming but try to remind yourself that all the good those people see in you is for a reason. ED steals the ability to see yourself for who you are. How smart, how funny, how beautiful, how fun, how engaging, how kind one might be is completely ignored and are replaced by irrational thoughts of self-worthlessness and self-hatred. You have come SO far and I hope so much that you have started to recognize those wonderful things about yourself once again. It may seem like too much at times when you have all these people calling and seeking you out but just try to spit it positively. They love you and think you are wonderful so try to embrace it and gradually deal with the discomfort. I know you can do it.

    Alright if that wasn't a mouthful, I don't know what is. haha Anyway, your breakfast looks A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.! Ill have to try that little bowl of heaven!

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  4. OMG I can't believe what happened to your friend, that is horrible! It's natural that when something happens to a loved one you start to re-evaluate your own life, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Your ED struggles are very real, and you are just as much a victim of this disease as someone who has any other medical problem like cancer, etc. The difference is that you can CHOOSE to be empowered and fight this, and WIN! And that is what you're doing! This morning was a great start by opting to give your body a rest and nourishing it with yummy oats. Try not to compare yourself to your friend, both of you have good things and bad things in your lives, and the only thing you can do is stay positive and work hard to be healthy and happy!

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  5. I'm so sorry about your friend...Beginning to comprehend that is hard enough without dealing with shitty anorexia as well...I'm glad you gave your body a rest, you knew it was the best thing to do :)

    The attention may seem a bit overwhelming right now. I could imagine it would be, because you're right, we did deprive ourselves for so long! Just do what's right for you and follow along at your own pace.

    Your breakfast looks SO GOOD !
    xoxo

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  6. Violence is such an upsetting thing. This past week a friend of mine got jumped by 5 guys and had to have emergency brain surgery to stop the bleeding in there. I'm so sorry about what happened to your friend. It's things like that, that make us take a step back on reflect on life and what we make of it.

    I hope your day was better! :)

    ps I went to the store today and saw that they carried the Dorset brand. I was talking to my dad on the phone when I just said "ahaaa" because now I know what you're talking about. I also got some familia Muesli. I haven't had that in suuuuch a long time!

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