Saturday, May 9, 2009

Saturday.

First and foremost - I wanted to thank everyone for the beautiful comments on my last post. You all brightened my day and made me smile so much - you have no idea how flattering you all are. SOmetimes I truly can't believe its me you all are talking about and I swear I feel my face flush as i'm sitting on the computer. But thank you <3 You're all the best.

So, today has been not the best day. It wasn't bad really, I feel really proud of myself for all that I did. I had to increase my calories. I did really well with it, but I'm a bit scared. I lost about a pound since my last weigh-in, and now I feel like I have no idea what I'll need to maintain, let alone gain those next few pounds.:sigh: I'm going to just take it one step at a time and see how it goes. On the bright side, my mom didn't get mad or upset with me like she would have in the past. She said she knew I was still eating the same amount every day and having an extra 200 on the days I went to the gym, so she knew it wasn't something intentional. That was a huge relief to me. I also went shopping with my mom and got this really awesome vintage plaid belted shirtdress. <3 Can't believe I tried on clothing in the middle of the afternoon, when I have my period, and had increased my calories all in the same day, and was still happy with how I looked in something. Incredible.


Breakfast: Multi-grain hot cereal cooked in vanilla soy milk with cinnamon, chopped apple and raisins topped with creamy PB. On the side there was also cottage cheese with some of aforementioned apple and raisins. Also a glass of plum juice.
This was pretty good - definitely a change from the usual banana-based oats. And it also set me up for the following challenge:


Morning Snack: Fage 2%, most of a sliced banana, handful almonds drizzled with honey. On the side there is the rest of banana with a tablespoon of Nutella. OK. ED has a rule - bananas are breakfast food. Well, its only been pushed back one meal, but hey. Banana + Nutella = <3.


Lunch: Dark Chocolate Dreams with blackberry jam. Chocolate-nut butter twice in one day - oh man. Didn't even think twice about it. Also had some cooked broccoli and green beans, and cucumber with cottage cheese. After lunch, me and mommy-dearest went on our shopping adventure. Good times.


Afternoon snack: Vanilla yogurt with strawberries, orange marmalade and an apple cinnamon rice cake. I know, I know. Rice cakes are anorexic food. But for real - apple cinnamon rice cake dipped in yogurt is really good - its like having cereal in there, only you get to dunk it. I suppose its my equivalent to cookies and milk (I really dislike drinking milk. So! I eat yogurt instead)



Dinner: Bulgur wheat mixed with hummus, olive oil, corn, peas, and romaine topped with tofu and grated carrot and half a baked tomato. Okay. This was officially the best dinner I've made in a while. I know its mainly the same ingredients as per usual, but I enjoyed so much more tonight because I got through the entire meal today without a single ED ritual. No counting, no picking through, no picking apart. Nothing. And it felt so good. Actually, I made it through just about every meal today without an ED ritual or stupid thing that the ED makes me do - like smooshing around my yogurts or analyzing my vegetables or whatever. None of it, at all. I feel really proud of myself because I have been wanting desperately to move past those ED behaviors. And today, I just said "fuck it. Just stop all of this now. No more one at a time. Just do it once and for all." And it worked.


Nighttime snack: Oats cooked with cinnamon, brown sugar and vanilla caramel coffee creamer topped with melted frozen mixed berries and flaked coconut. This bowl was pretty good, though not really a favorite. I didn't realize the bag of mixed berries contained raspberries - which I'm really not a fan of. Oh well.

I suppose overall, today has actually been quite the successful day in a lot of ways. I guess just dealing with the loss was a bit hard - totally felt anorexia pulling my strings and jumping up and down with glee "OK! One down nine to go before you can be happy again." asfjdk! Not going down that road again. Cannot, will not and absolutely refuse. I came too far and fought to hard to let that slip back into mind. Its just frustrating. It was a bit hard today - I admit. Because we all know that feeling, and how easy it is turn one into ten into thirty. I feel afraid of relapsing again already, even though I know I remedied the situation. I'm still nervous. I guess this nervousness won't go away for some time though, until I feel secure with wherever I end up at and my ability to continue to maintain it. That may take more time than I like to though. Sometimes, I really hate having to make up meal plans for myself, and I just don't want to do it anymore. But I still feel so afraid of anorexia sneaking back in and I feel like I can't trust myself to eat enough on my own. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that, or if I'll always have to follow some sort of meal plan. I've been considering going to a nutritionist to see if I can find a way to sort of loosen that up a bit - maybe try working with exchanges again or something? I'm not sure. I did kind of tend to manipulate that system to the fullest extent possible, so I'm not really sure its such a great idea for me. But it would be nice to just know that I needed say four starches, two fats, a fruit and a dairy at breakfast, and be able to wake up in the morning and have what I wanted right then instead of having to plan it all out in advance. Granted, I also still have the "What does Victoria want?" issue, so planning ahead may be best for a little while longer.

Sometimes, I feel like no matter the progress I've made, that fear of my anorexia may never leave me. I wish it would. First, you're afraid of not listening to it. And then you become afraid of it perpetually consuming your life. :sigh: I'm being far too pensive and contemplative tonight. Time for a cigarette and then bed. (I know, naughty me smokes! I'm italian. We smoke.)

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekends! Tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful here. Lets hope, no more rain.

3 comments:

  1. you are so strong tori. you never cease to amaze me with your ability to make it through the hardest moments. our obstacles only make us stronger - and less likely to slip back into old ways because we know how to deal. it may take years and years for our anorexia to ever go away but we have the power to defeat this disease and win back our lives. each day is a new day. and as for the meal plan situation? i say stick to what is best for you. i choose meal planning in advance because it keeps me structured and i too, dont trust myself to eat on my ''own'' we have to give recovery time. we have to heal our mind and bodies, then the rest will come. stay optimistic and open sweetie! and tell ed to go on vacation for a while. you need time to relax and enjoy being you. because it sounds like you are doing great! i also love to hear you went shopping! your new purchase sounds awesome - definitely rock it out this summer with attitude!

    sweet dreams.

    <3 brooke

    p.s way to go on the food challenges today! and for enjoying your dinner! (love the nutella and banana too) yum.

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  2. hey! I dont know if you remember me, I was on Xanga (Ana_viking)...But i¨m not there that often anymore...no point. But i have followed you awhile and you ahve always been an inpsiration of strength! And I admire you SO MUCH that you are fighting so hard to win over you anorexia :) I am still in a state where I cant choose...but I want recovery one day, but its hard to fight. But your blog is an inspiration! thank you! and keep going, you can do it! :) take care!! Hugs from Sweden

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  3. I'm so proud of you. That's so much to overcome! I dream about the day that I'll be able to eat intuitively and not overanalyze myself and the food I eat. I'm getting better at it, but it doesn't feel second nature to me, you know? I have 4 roommates and observing them has been such a help to me. Although they're not balanced with what they eat, they eat when they're hungry. I eat because I know I have to, well also because I do get hungry (YAY!!!).

    It's so frustrating when you lose a pound or even just stay the same. (I hope this doesn't trigger anyone). The doctors where I go to school have told me I've lost weight, and I definitely haven't even tried. I've been trying so hard to gain weight because now I realize what I look like. Then a couple weeks back the doctor said I had gained weight, then I happily told my nutritionist (I had FINALLY gained weight) then she told me it was only 1/4 of a lb. On top of that I had just eaten my lunch. I was so bummed. Is this TMI? Haha :D Ooops!

    ANYYYWAY, it seriously made me smile reading this entry. All the things you've done so far are incredible and it's awesome that you can see that. I don't know if this would help you or not, because maybe it would make you uncomfortably involved in coming up with a meal plan. Maybe you can take a look at what you eat and break it up in exchanges and voila. You can start thinking of it that way if it's easier for you :) Take care!

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