Thursday, May 14, 2009


So. Today was my check-in. Despite increasing calories last week, I still haven't put back what I lost. :sigh: Had to increase again today. This is crazy. I'm almost back to eating what I needed to gain in order to maintain. Honestly, while I am not afraid of food per say, the amount of food I need to eat right now to maintain my weight is a bit frightening. I really wanted to be able to stop planning menus and counting calories, and start trying to learn to eat what I want in the moment. Because we all know how hard it is sometimes to plan your meals out days in advance. But having to eat 3,000+ on my own without a plan in place seems like it would be rather difficult for me to do. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have fun being able to maintain on so many calories. But it is a bit frustrating at times. I'm scared I'll never be able to function normally. i don't want to spend the rest of my life counting calories to make sure I eat enough. But I do recognize that I am not far enough out of the woods yet anyways. I know from my past experiences, I have a tendency to jump back into my life full swing and food falls by the wayside. And when that happens,I lose tremendous amounts of weight very quickly. And I cannot afford to let that happen again. So I guess it'll be a few more months of this. I'm thinking once I get my weight up and know what calories I need, I'll start reusing meal plans a few times a week so I don't have to plan so much. Right now its okay, since I'm not in school or working yet. But once I get those things back, having to plan a day's worth of meals would be rather time consuming. And hopefully it will be time I don't have because I am off living my life.

Today's breakfast was absolutely incredible. This increasing of calories today totally whipped anorexia's butt.

Muligrain cereal cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 mashed banana, topped with rest of the 'nana, a dozen almonds, and one tablespoon each Nutella and White Chocolate PB. This. Was. Awesome. and I have to say, I feel mighty proud of myself for eating it. I also had the usual juice and a slice of cinnamon raisin toast with cottage cheese and jam. But yknow, compared to the Nutella and WCW combo, toast just doesn't make the photo-cut.

Mid-morning snack was nothing special - Fage 2%, agave, granola, almonds, coconut. Lunch was an avocado-hummus-cucumber sammie with grilled corn and tomato salad, and an apple with creamy peanut butter. Wasn't very photogenic, but quite good.

Mid-afternoon Snack: Plain yogurt with sliced strawberries, orange marmalade and chocolate chips. mmm. I hadn't had yogurt with chocolate chips in soo long. I highly reccommend it. Really.

My dinner also wasn't terribly pretty. But I felt so immensely proud of myself for facing a fear - I decided to share with you all anyways.

Whole wheat rotini, peas, broccoli, greens, grated carrot and tofu. Topped with thousand island dressing. OK. This will sound odd, but for me, salad dressing is actually a bigger fear food than olive oil or even peanut butter. No idea why. Its jsut been something I've been trying to avoid having. I think because of the amount of flavor perhaps? My dinners tend to err on the side of "bland", or at least not overly rich in zest or anything like that. So salad dressing was a huge deal, as it certainly a more noticeable flavoring than olive oil. But it was really good, and I will definitely have it again.

I'll be honest. A good portion of today was spent questioning whether or not I should have increased my calories or not. Logically, I know it was the right thing to do. But I guess the ED-voice is trying to make me feel badly about needing to eat so much. "One pound less than what you were isn't a big deal. Get over yourself." Arrgh. But I followed through with my plans. I painted for some time and that really helped me a lot. I am so happy to painting and talking to my friends again. Slowly but surely getting a feel for what my life used to be like, and what it could be again. One day, it will be all good and I won't worry anymore. At least not as much. And that day will be cause of celebration.


  1. Looks very yummy.

    I've been dealing with an increase myself and the subsequent hunger increases. It is hard to deal with mentally...the fact that we need so much to gain! But nice job.

    Which chocolate PB is a favorite of mine. Never had it with nutella, though. Sounds intriguing.

  2. that banana-nutella "breakfast" looks like DESSERT!

  3. I'm celebrating your success already. You've come so far. :)


  4. I'm sorry that you didn't gain, but hey at least increasing might give you a chance to add in some new exciting things that you haven't gotten around to tasting yet! WOW that breakfast looks so good!!

  5. hey cutie, i'm immensely proud of you for taking the initiative of keeping those cals up to maintain and get healthy and do what you need to do to take careful measures of security a future without relapse. as always you are such an inspiration and awesome job with facing the dressing and such at dinner- i think a lot of us can relate to dressings being a fear food but once you get over it once its easier and easier and soon i'm sure you'll be sitting with friends outside a summer cafe eating a sandwich or salad with cheese and dressing and white bread and loving every second of it with pride and utter fulfillment. because that is what feelings food is supposed to give us- a sense of nourishment and satisfaction. i'm sure that within a few months no matter how many calories you're still gaining/maintaing on things will work out but yes, i agree that you cannot sacrifice keeping up with your recovery to having other aspects of your life, which is a mistake i make every time. it's not worth it as much as you feel you can jump right back into the scheme of things because losing that weight again is just going to send us backwards and WHO FEELS LIKE IT? after all of this, we are becoming stronger people in the end and we don't want that taken away from us.

    love the painting as well
    have a wonderful day- keep your chin up!

  6. Hey, don't know if you remember me, I'm Dollymixtures from CC?
    You're doing...amazingly. I can see how much happier you seem. All that food looks...lovely. You're really brave and a proper inspiration :)

  7. Salad dressing is a big deal for me too. I have no idea why, because like you, I have problem eating a spoonful of dark chocolate peanut butter. I think it may have to do with the fact that there are so many lo-cal alternatives to it out there that I feel strange opting for the higher fat stuff. After seeing you handle it so well I'm going to challenge myself with some this weekend. Thanks for posting about it!

  8. I just love reading your blogs. You have so many delicious foods, but more importantly, you have so much insight and strength. Reading about your success is truly empowering and inspiring.

    I am SO trying that breakfast, except with Dark Chocolate Dreams instead of Nutella!

  9. omg so glad to get back to your posts so much! :) I definitely feel you on the fear of having to count forever. I tend to lose when I am not paying attention or making sure I am getting the proper amount of calories. It's one of those places where you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to be normal and not have to count or worry about planning out your meals but at the same time you feel like you have to in order to be healthy. In the end, we will find that happy medium and finally satisfy both requirements. I guess its just about waiting until we get to that place, which I have all the faith in the world that you will get to. You have such a beautiful spirit and personality and I can say with all confidence (despite not knowing you) that you could do anything. You posses passion and determination, as evident in both you words and your artwork (which is AMAZING by the way!)