So. Today was my check-in. Despite increasing calories last week, I still haven't put back what I lost. :sigh: Had to increase again today. This is crazy. I'm almost back to eating what I needed to gain in order to maintain. Honestly, while I am not afraid of food per say, the amount of food I need to eat right now to maintain my weight is a bit frightening. I really wanted to be able to stop planning menus and counting calories, and start trying to learn to eat what I want in the moment. Because we all know how hard it is sometimes to plan your meals out days in advance. But having to eat 3,000+ on my own without a plan in place seems like it would be rather difficult for me to do. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have fun being able to maintain on so many calories. But it is a bit frustrating at times. I'm scared I'll never be able to function normally. i don't want to spend the rest of my life counting calories to make sure I eat enough. But I do recognize that I am not far enough out of the woods yet anyways. I know from my past experiences, I have a tendency to jump back into my life full swing and food falls by the wayside. And when that happens,I lose tremendous amounts of weight very quickly. And I cannot afford to let that happen again. So I guess it'll be a few more months of this. I'm thinking once I get my weight up and know what calories I need, I'll start reusing meal plans a few times a week so I don't have to plan so much. Right now its okay, since I'm not in school or working yet. But once I get those things back, having to plan a day's worth of meals would be rather time consuming. And hopefully it will be time I don't have because I am off living my life.
Today's breakfast was absolutely incredible. This increasing of calories today totally whipped anorexia's butt.
Muligrain cereal cooked in vanilla soy with 1/2 mashed banana, topped with rest of the 'nana, a dozen almonds, and one tablespoon each Nutella and White Chocolate PB. This. Was. Awesome. and I have to say, I feel mighty proud of myself for eating it. I also had the usual juice and a slice of cinnamon raisin toast with cottage cheese and jam. But yknow, compared to the Nutella and WCW combo, toast just doesn't make the photo-cut.
Mid-morning snack was nothing special - Fage 2%, agave, granola, almonds, coconut. Lunch was an avocado-hummus-cucumber sammie with grilled corn and tomato salad, and an apple with creamy peanut butter. Wasn't very photogenic, but quite good.
Mid-afternoon Snack: Plain yogurt with sliced strawberries, orange marmalade and chocolate chips. mmm. I hadn't had yogurt with chocolate chips in soo long. I highly reccommend it. Really.
My dinner also wasn't terribly pretty. But I felt so immensely proud of myself for facing a fear - I decided to share with you all anyways.
Whole wheat rotini, peas, broccoli, greens, grated carrot and tofu. Topped with thousand island dressing. OK. This will sound odd, but for me, salad dressing is actually a bigger fear food than olive oil or even peanut butter. No idea why. Its jsut been something I've been trying to avoid having. I think because of the amount of flavor perhaps? My dinners tend to err on the side of "bland", or at least not overly rich in zest or anything like that. So salad dressing was a huge deal, as it certainly a more noticeable flavoring than olive oil. But it was really good, and I will definitely have it again.
I'll be honest. A good portion of today was spent questioning whether or not I should have increased my calories or not. Logically, I know it was the right thing to do. But I guess the ED-voice is trying to make me feel badly about needing to eat so much. "One pound less than what you were isn't a big deal. Get over yourself." Arrgh. But I followed through with my plans. I painted for some time and that really helped me a lot. I am so happy to painting and talking to my friends again. Slowly but surely getting a feel for what my life used to be like, and what it could be again. One day, it will be all good and I won't worry anymore. At least not as much. And that day will be cause of celebration.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago