Today was an exceptionally hard day for me. :sigh: I guess that's what happens when you have so many great, good-feeling days in a row. This mroning I looked at myself in the mirror and I abhorred my relfelction. I actually had a full-blown eating disordered fit while attempting to get dressed. Clothing was strewn all across my room as I tried to find something to wear that I didn't feel afraid of putting on. I ended up wearing a black crcoehted skirt and a black screen printed tee with a black zippered sweater. Hmm. Trying to hide much, eh? Yeah. My mom totally picked up on the fact that anorexia dressed me this morning. Asked what was wrong. And I really don't know. Its just like all of a sudden this morning I felt like I didn't recognize my own body. The ED thoughts were really strong all day. To keep myself from taking any steps backwards I decided to take pictures of all my meals today. I know I would never post a meal/snack if I had been restricting, so telling myself I had to do a full post today kind of helped in a weird way. Plus this way, if ED is still hanging around tomorrow, I'll have photographic evidence of the fact that I did not restrict today, so there will certainly be no reason to go down that road tomorrow.
All heart-aches aside - something good did happen today. Hung out the boy again. Ah, I really like him. He is such a good friend to me and I really appreciate that he doesn't put pressure on me about anything. I always feel really comfortable when I'm with him, like I don't have to be afraid of myself or embarrassed by my ED.
Well. Despite anorexia rearing its ugly head this morning, I still made a new breakfast concoction. And it was awesome, for real.
Dark Chocolate Coconut oatbran. ZOMG. Okay. In the bowl: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in 1 cup chocolate soymilk, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1TBS unsweetened cocoa powder.I forgot to mash half my 'nanner in there so I sliced it on top with a handful of almonds and a tablespoon each of flaked coconut and creamy peanut butter. Really - this was heaven in a bowl. I attempted to take a picture of my oats on the spoon so y'all could see how fudgy it looked. Attempt failed. I am not terribly coordinated at 6AM as it were. But you can actually see it almost blends into my black bowl haha. Wasn't quite expecting that, though it was a nice surprise. Also had the other half my banana with cottage cheese and some juice. Loved! This breakfast. Wouldn't have it every morning, but for the occasional treat - hell yeah.
Also. I made another new discovery this morning. Ladies and gentleman, I give you:
Fage 2% with raisins, honey, and oh whats that? White Chocolate Wonderful fudge Yes. Apparently WCW + fridge = fudge-like substance that can be cut with a spoon. Oh man. I think I need to refridgerate my nut butters more often. Only after dishing out how much I want of course, otherwise it'd never get out of the jar.
Lunch: Hummus, grated carrot and cucumber sammie, grilled corn salad, and an apple with cottage cheese and Nutella. Chocolate again? Damn right. It amazes me how on even the most down days, I still manage to eat like this. Really. Six months ago I'd have been like "Oh Hell No. Not. Eating." But today, I pushed through. And while it doesn't exactly feel like victory right now, I know that it is. And next week, when I'm feeling a bit better about myself, I know I'll be glad I didn't slip back.
Afternoon snack: Strawberry-almond parfait. Can't quite tell its a parfait since I don't have any of those fancy glasses. But in there is two layers of strawberries and slivered almonds and vanilla yorgurt, plust a few left-overs that I plopped on top. I don't know why but I really like layering things into my yogurt instead of swirling it all up together. I'm not sure if its an OCD thing, or just a personal preference. Long as I eat it, I suppose its not important.
Dinner: Pasta with peas, broccoli, tofu and Thousand Island dressing, oven-baked tomato halves. Slowly but surely, I am overcoming this aversion to salad dressing.
Dinner was hard tonight really. My mom had a big talk with me after dinner about how far I still have to go. And it just wasn't what I really needed to hear after such a hard day. Like I'm barely coping some times right now, and she's off talking about my future...and its just...ah. So overwhelming. I ended up crying because sometimes I just don't know if I can do this. The ED gets to me, and in my head at times its like "When are you going to stop pretending you are okay? Why not show the world what you really are - broken, pathetic and weak. That's all you'll ever be. You have been this way far too long and been shattered far too many times for anything to ever really fix you." :sigh: Like I said. Long day.
Fortunately, I had comfort in a bowl planned for this evening's snack.
Multigrain cereal, canned pumpkin, cinnamon/brown sugar, coffee creamer, raisins and Cinnamon Raisin Swirl. Yep. After today, this was definitely a good one to end with.
I'm a bit tired, think its time for me to call it a night, finish watching the Mentalist and get some sleeps. I'm hoping for another sunny day tomorrow, and hopefull this time I will be more able to enjoy it. I hope you all get that too - it seems like a lot of people are struggling right now. If there is one thing I have learned so far though, its that if you push through the worst of times, you get an oppurtunity to see things become better. If you don't hold on, you end up in the same miserable place you were in before. So, I'm holding on as best I can right now. And for everyone else who's doing the same - I hope the better days come sooner rather than later.
Why Can I Only Love the Broken?
2 months ago