So. This morning was my doctor's appointment. I'll be honest - I was afraid. I have had so many things wrong with me over the years, and really wouldn't be surprised if even just one of those many things became a permanent dysfunction.
So, this morning I had a bowl of comfort for breakfast, just becaues you know - that's what I do.
In ze bowl: 1 serving of Kashi Autumn Wheat plus some Bear Naked fruit&nut granola (nuked up in vanilla soymilk), almonds, sliced banana, a scoop each of WCW and creamy peanut butters. This was so good. As nervous as I was, I still got to enjoy breakfast.
So now I know y'all want the scoop.
Well. I saw the APRN today, instead of the usual doctor. She saw me just before I entered LIJ in January 2008. So, I had to give my little shpeel about coming home from inpatient last spring, dropping down to XX pounds (at 5'8.5" - this was a very dangerous weight), being denied treatment, so on and so forth. First of all, her draw dropped at the words "denied treatment by my insurance company." Then telling her the awful things they said to my mother ("We'll call in a few weeks to see if she's still alive.") - woman was in shock.
Then she said to me "You have done this all on your own?" "Just with some support from my mom and therapist. I plan out all of my meals and everything, and I make sure I'm eating XXXX calories everyday." "Wow. You have done an amazing job."
I am going to be OK.
She ran a blood panel to test for deficienices. My anemia has cleared up. I no longer have folate or iron deficiences, and my hemoglobin and hematacrit (red blood/baby red blood cell) levels are in the normal zone. In the past, I have been frightfully low in all of those things - to the point where I almost needed a transfusion and have had to be hospitalized.
The only abnormalities were with my thyroid and :sigh: heart. Apparently, my thyroid is functioning on the higher end of normal. But the APRN told me that it just meant my body is processing food more in attempt to get the most out of what I was eating that it could, and since I don't show any of the other symptoms of thyroid disorders, I'm probably fine. My heart rate is pretty low - blood pressure is 90/60 when stressed and I smoke (shame on me), which does also raise your heart rate/BP and my pulse is kind of weak. That could be attributed to having been a runner, or it could be weakening of my heart muscles. She said overall though, everything seemed normal and that I was 100% healthy.
In a way, this frightens me. Its like all traces of the anorexia are gone now, and its all inside my head. I almost feel like none of it was even real now - like all the memories I have are just made up little stories and works of fiction.
My mom was a bit upset because aforementioned nurse also said she was very pleased with my weight and felt that if I could maintain where I am right now, I'd be in great shape. This is really hard, because I do feel like I am OK at this weight and that I look good, I can eat what I want, and this is generally the weight I've always been at when healthy. My mother wants me to put on another 10+ pounds. I feel tremendously guilty for not even wanting to think about that right now. I suppose this is where my issue with that "anorexic magical thinking" still comes in. I still believe in my mind that if I am meant to weigh a cetain weight, I will eventually get to it. I suppose with a normal person, that would be true. But I have to consistently remind myself that I do have an eating disorder that may very well prevent me from continuing to get to that healthy place if I don't push for it.
Edited: An annonymous poster noted that I mentioned my former weight. I am SO sorry I did that and it was entirely on accident. I was just thinking about the conversation had between me and the doc, and I guess I typed it out without even thinking instead of doing my usual "bleeping". I am SO SO sorry if anyone else read that and it triggered them.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago