Friday, June 5, 2009

For revelations.

This morning was difficult. I went to the gym, since I've been feeling good for a few days now. There was another girl there - one who was actively anorexic. She looked sick, her face gaunt. She was wearing spandex no less. I felt a bit upset at first - but then was thanking God that I was wearing an oversized t-shirt from a concert a few years back and baggy sweats. I spent my entire time doing weights thinking to myself "I am so glad I don't look like that anymore and that all these people aren't staring at me. I am glad I am better." I'm not proud of it, but I did some body-checking, which is highly unusual for me, its really not my thing. I just had this feeling that I was mispercieving something and I couldn't figure out where the feeling was coming from. After getting showered and dressed, both me and AN-girl were in the locker room at the same time, in the mirror fixing our hair. It hit me then. I look just like her. My face isn't quite as sickly looking (duh! I actually eat and I am recovering - not slipping) but otherwise...bleh.
I came home and cried. I keep thinking that I look so much better and that I am so much healthier (which is true!) but times like this make me realize I am no where near what I percieve myself to be. I've got to get rid of this "You've already gained thirty pounds" mindset.

I'll be honest, I hadn't planned on having my usual extra snack when I came home from the gym. I hd to increase my calories today anyways, and I didn't have anything actually written out for myself to have. So I figured it wasn't a big deal, so I don't have the extra snack - I was eating more today anyways. Right? But, after that mirror experience, I knew I couldn't let ED win.

Cashew Cookie larabar. Lots of protein, fats and carbs in a teeny but satisfying footprint. The perfect after-work out snack. I really love bars in moments like these, when I know I should have something extra but have NO idea what to have. For me, it just works really well because bars are definitely satsifying, but they aren't such a big snack that I have trouble eating my next meal.

Speaking of meals, here's this morning's lovely breakfast:

Granola with mixed berries, soy milk, slivered almonds, carmelized banana, coconut flakes and WCW. I nuked my cereal, berries and banana in the mircowave before topping. Looks really milky, right? I don't actually like milky cereal, but using the whole cuppa milk makes getting calories in really easy. So I just heated it up like that and - silly as it sounds - I play with the bowl as I'm eating so I get all the cereal up with hardly any milk, and just kinda drink it down after LOL. I feel so ridiculous. If I didn't mind having to wash more dishes, I'd just pour the extra in a cup like a normal person...but hey! It was a fun, and warm breakfast. So great on this rather cold and dreary day. For real, if this June weather is any prediction of what the rest of this year will bring, I may have to move south for the winter. I'm thinking my brother might like having someone else around to help pay rent down in southern Virginia...

In other news, I baked brownies today. My mom was going to an "End of School Year" party at work and needed to bring a dessert. I learned something interesting too: despite being able to bake and cook very well, I cannot crack an egg very well. Lots of Clorox wipes were used after my first failed attempt. I suppose I just need more practice?

It feels like the days are flying by yet taking forever to pass. Its a weird feeling, I suppose something like limbo. The weeks escape you, slip through your fingers like drops of water, but the hours drag on with little give. At times its like I'm constantly waiting for something that I cannot seem to find. I'm certain if I had something that felt "rea" to occupy myself with - like school or a job - I wouldn't feel so lost. But I don't and I do. And that's life. Sometimes there is just nothing to do. Most of my friends say they wish that they could sit around and eat for a year. I don't think they don't quite grasp the concept that if its something essentialy imposed on you because of an otherwise life-threatening condition, its not going to be quite the picnic they envision. On the bright side, I do know that I will never take a single day I have for granted. I'm a little disappointed at the moment though. I figured out that if I took just three more studio courses at HCC, I could transfer out to MassART in the winter of 2010, and be a full-fledged sophmore. Got myself all excited. I had applied there in 2006, but my GPA was far too low. The letter they sent me read "We would love to be able to accept you based on your art work alone, but given your GPA, and the amount of applications we recieve, accepting someone who would have to be on academic probation would not be prudent." My GPA - 2.27 (I was pretty bad off for a bit - doing drugs. Failed every course but art and english as a freshie) Their minimum - 3.5 Yeah. I had high hopes. My GPA at HCC stands now at 3.7 at last check. So! Getting in = no problem.
Sounds all good right?
It was. Until i saw the new admissions fee. When I applied in '06, it was maybe $20,000 total, including rooming, food, and supplies. New cost estimate: $29,600
That makes about ninety grand for three years. I do not have that kind of money, and nor do my parents. So! It looks like I'll be stuck doing the community college thing for another year. :sigh: I really wanted to move out too. Maybe I still will. God knows I love my family, I truly do. But I often find myself feeling like I cannot truly, 100% get better until I learn to survive on my own, for myself.

One day, "free" will not just be a far off dreaming word. It will be reality. I don't know when, and I don't know where. But it will come.


  1. i get the same feelings as you do! i am 5'6, and my lowest was 93, and even though im back in the low 100's (around 105), i keep forgetting that i used to be between 120-130 before ED. And I'm so proud of myself for gaining 10+ pounds so far and I feel so much better and I feel like I look so much better, but then I'll glance at an old picture of me before all this happened and it's like a slap in the face because I realize I still have, like, 15+ pounds to go! Plus it's been hard getting together w/ old friends, b/c they're like, shocked at how thin I am. If only they saw me at 93....

    Anyway, I know what you mean about days going slow/fast. I decided not to get a full-time job this summer so I could focus on myself/recovery, and I thought it would be super fun to sit around and eat and read and do random art projects all day, but I've been getting bored, and it's only been a few weeks! (Part of the reason I started this blog was to give me something to do!)

    Also, I totally get your frustration about college. My school has increased dramatically over the past few years (I'm a senior now) and it is almost $40,000 with room/board! It's insane! College is ridiculously expensive these days!

    Sorry for the long comment, but don't let your moment at the gym get you down--just be proud of how far you've come!

  2. Hi Tori. I've been reading your blog for a while now, but never had the courage to comment. I just want to say you are amazing, truly inspiring. You are such a strong person! I remember one day after reading a post of yours, I went and got my night snack. Earlier I had decided I just wasn't up to it, and I was going to skip it.

    I know what you mean about the whole "I've gained enough already mindset" too. At 5'4 I weigh 99lbs, so I've gained nearly 20 pounds since my low. Yet I feel like thats enough, that I'm be fine my current weight. At the same time, part of me knows its not enough. I need more, even if its just a little. I've also had friends tell me they only wish they had to eat as much as I do, but they don't understand I WISH I could eat as much as a normal person. Frustrating isn't it?

    Again, you are such an amazing person. Your blog really does give me motivation to contiue to try and get better.

  3. Hey Tori...
    as I read your post, I was thinking, "shit, I could have written this exact same words myself." I also gained 30 lbs and have been prancing around thinking I'm all better, but the fact is I still have a long way to go and I stll gotta keep that fighting mentality. It's not completely over yet, and letting our guard down would only give ED leeway to swoop in his ugly face again.
    but don't get all upset over it! the fact is, you HAVE gained those 30 lbs and you ARE a lot better...and this just proves...your goals of total health recovery is all the more closer! one day you'll be able to go to the gym in spandex, showing off your spanking new curves and strong muscles. lol!
    and I'm SO sorry about the college is a huge thing for me, so I really understand your pain. if it really is a big deal for you, what abt just taking out a loan? it may just be worth it...
    but still, living close to your family might still be necessary for a while until you're more ready to be independant.'s just God's intervention so that you can enjoy more quality time with your family until you "fly away" into your own world, so to speak. Since you're "stuck" with your family for the time being, might as well make the best of it!

  4. hey love,
    aww isn't it so funny how the ED always makes us believe that we are never as skinny as others or that we alwasy feel like we are perfectly normal. i mean that girl at the gym was probably thinking the same thing about you too ;)
    i am glad you realised when you were standing next to her that you are still very fragile as well and that you do not need to fear gaining a little bit more. i know its such a long hard battle cause every pound we can the ED tells us okay my lady i think you are done with the weight gain program for now, even though we are still far from being done.
    i can understand the whole college made you a bit upset. have you ever thought of applying for a scolorship? i mean you are really talented and its always worth a try. (even though i know you are thinking in your head 'i will never get it' you neverknow). its worth it!!! and if it doesn't work out then so be it. i am sure something in life will come around that will make you happy and let you be all ED-free. i would absolutely love to meet that tori one day if you give me the chance too ;)
    i'd even fly all the way to america to do so :)
    have a great saturday, i hope you feel good about yourself this morning when you read this comment, that what is was meant to do.
    loads of care from me

  5. oh the glory of distorted perception! I'm so sorry that you had tears but perhaps it is times like those when reality really sinks in that things start becoming a little clearer. Sometimes the hardest things end up bringing the best. In this instance, seeing that girl and realizing that you actually looked just as thin made you remember and realize that although you have come along way, you still have another road to get to the end of. The good thing is that you CAN and WILL get to the final destination. Just think about that day when you are standing next to "that" girl and you can finally say "wow I'm so glad I DONT look like that anymore."
    In regards to school, I'm so sorry to hear about the disappointing news in the college financial department. Perhaps you could apply for scholarships. They honestly have more scholarships that you could possibly imagine! And perhaps try to find a public school closer to home that costs a little less. That way you have the independence of school but also the safety of home.
    I hope you get a great nights sleep and wake up feeling better tomorrow!

  6. I hate how ED always distorts what we see in the mirror and I am so sorry you were brought to tears. It is great though, that instead of putting yourself down and comparing, you thought about how glad you were that you don't look like that girl anymore. Do you know how much progress that is? You should be so proud of yourself, Tori. I am so proud! I know you can do this, and I know you will get to the weight you need to be at because I can see that you just want health and freedom for yourself.
    But I can relate to how the ED is always telling us: "well, you've already gained some weight.. you can stop now" but we still have so much left to go! It doesn't help that the mirror reflects lies either. The fact that you realize that you are still very very thin and that you do need to gain will take you far though. You are going to get better.
    Have an amazing Sunday!

  7. hey tori! hope you're doing better! just checking up on you like a mother hen...heh heh :-)