This morning was difficult. I went to the gym, since I've been feeling good for a few days now. There was another girl there - one who was actively anorexic. She looked sick, her face gaunt. She was wearing spandex no less. I felt a bit upset at first - but then was thanking God that I was wearing an oversized t-shirt from a concert a few years back and baggy sweats. I spent my entire time doing weights thinking to myself "I am so glad I don't look like that anymore and that all these people aren't staring at me. I am glad I am better." I'm not proud of it, but I did some body-checking, which is highly unusual for me, its really not my thing. I just had this feeling that I was mispercieving something and I couldn't figure out where the feeling was coming from. After getting showered and dressed, both me and AN-girl were in the locker room at the same time, in the mirror fixing our hair. It hit me then. I look just like her. My face isn't quite as sickly looking (duh! I actually eat and I am recovering - not slipping) but otherwise...bleh.
I came home and cried. I keep thinking that I look so much better and that I am so much healthier (which is true!) but times like this make me realize I am no where near what I percieve myself to be. I've got to get rid of this "You've already gained thirty pounds" mindset.
I'll be honest, I hadn't planned on having my usual extra snack when I came home from the gym. I hd to increase my calories today anyways, and I didn't have anything actually written out for myself to have. So I figured it wasn't a big deal, so I don't have the extra snack - I was eating more today anyways. Right? But, after that mirror experience, I knew I couldn't let ED win.
Cashew Cookie larabar. Lots of protein, fats and carbs in a teeny but satisfying footprint. The perfect after-work out snack. I really love bars in moments like these, when I know I should have something extra but have NO idea what to have. For me, it just works really well because bars are definitely satsifying, but they aren't such a big snack that I have trouble eating my next meal.
Speaking of meals, here's this morning's lovely breakfast:
Granola with mixed berries, soy milk, slivered almonds, carmelized banana, coconut flakes and WCW. I nuked my cereal, berries and banana in the mircowave before topping. Looks really milky, right? I don't actually like milky cereal, but using the whole cuppa milk makes getting calories in really easy. So I just heated it up like that and - silly as it sounds - I play with the bowl as I'm eating so I get all the cereal up with hardly any milk, and just kinda drink it down after LOL. I feel so ridiculous. If I didn't mind having to wash more dishes, I'd just pour the extra in a cup like a normal person...but hey! It was a fun, and warm breakfast. So great on this rather cold and dreary day. For real, if this June weather is any prediction of what the rest of this year will bring, I may have to move south for the winter. I'm thinking my brother might like having someone else around to help pay rent down in southern Virginia...
In other news, I baked brownies today. My mom was going to an "End of School Year" party at work and needed to bring a dessert. I learned something interesting too: despite being able to bake and cook very well, I cannot crack an egg very well. Lots of Clorox wipes were used after my first failed attempt. I suppose I just need more practice?
It feels like the days are flying by yet taking forever to pass. Its a weird feeling, I suppose something like limbo. The weeks escape you, slip through your fingers like drops of water, but the hours drag on with little give. At times its like I'm constantly waiting for something that I cannot seem to find. I'm certain if I had something that felt "rea" to occupy myself with - like school or a job - I wouldn't feel so lost. But I don't and I do. And that's life. Sometimes there is just nothing to do. Most of my friends say they wish that they could sit around and eat for a year. I don't think they don't quite grasp the concept that if its something essentialy imposed on you because of an otherwise life-threatening condition, its not going to be quite the picnic they envision. On the bright side, I do know that I will never take a single day I have for granted. I'm a little disappointed at the moment though. I figured out that if I took just three more studio courses at HCC, I could transfer out to MassART in the winter of 2010, and be a full-fledged sophmore. Got myself all excited. I had applied there in 2006, but my GPA was far too low. The letter they sent me read "We would love to be able to accept you based on your art work alone, but given your GPA, and the amount of applications we recieve, accepting someone who would have to be on academic probation would not be prudent." My GPA - 2.27 (I was pretty bad off for a bit - doing drugs. Failed every course but art and english as a freshie) Their minimum - 3.5 Yeah. I had high hopes. My GPA at HCC stands now at 3.7 at last check. So! Getting in = no problem.
Sounds all good right?
It was. Until i saw the new admissions fee. When I applied in '06, it was maybe $20,000 total, including rooming, food, and supplies. New cost estimate: $29,600
That makes about ninety grand for three years. I do not have that kind of money, and nor do my parents. So! It looks like I'll be stuck doing the community college thing for another year. :sigh: I really wanted to move out too. Maybe I still will. God knows I love my family, I truly do. But I often find myself feeling like I cannot truly, 100% get better until I learn to survive on my own, for myself.
One day, "free" will not just be a far off dreaming word. It will be reality. I don't know when, and I don't know where. But it will come.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago