Thank you all so, so much for all the support and encouragement you've given me the past few days. Honestly - words are not enough to express my gratitude. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have you all. Who knew so many beautiful people could be part of the same community?
That being said - I learned something tremendous today.
In the darkest moments, the ones when we feel most desperate and afraid, is where we find ourselves, our inspiration to move forward. Its when we feel most incapable, and we are forced to deal with something we've been avoiding for far too long, that we grow and move onto the next phases of finding ourselves again.
This morning, I totally screwed up my meal plans. This is not something I am proud of, but over the past month or two, I have gotten into the habit of counting how many grams of fat, protein and carbohydate I was eating and making myself entirely insane trying to make sure it all equaled out at the end of the day. So if I had an extra gram of protein, I had to have one less carbohydrate - that sorta thing. Totally crazy, right?
Well. Yours truly made what anorexia would call a "grievous error". Whilst calculating my calories - I totally forgot to account for the grams of fat in my newly-added dessert to dinner. I counted in the 200 calories, but not the 11g fat. So while the calories added up perfect - grams of fat was way more than usual.
Enter anorexic panic. I was SO mad at myself. I felt like giving up because "eating was just too stressful." My mom got really mad at me as she was home when all of this lovely realization occured. She said some rather cruel things.
First instinct: Restrict.restrict. restrict. Because, well life sucks and what else is there? And you'll end up having way too many grams of fat today, far more than you need.
What Tori actually did: Tori stuck to her meal plan as it was, no changes, no cut backs. And enjoyed her chocolate-coconut-White Chocolate PB oats for breakfast.
As well as a Coffee Chocolate Jocalat bar after lunch.
And Dove dark chocolate after dinner. Yep. Allllll that goodness in one day.
(in case your wondering - its that time of the month where chocolate has become my best friend)
I did not die. Nothing horrific has happened.
In fact, something beautiful did.
I have decided from this day forth - no more excruciating calculations. I'll track my calories the way I used to when I was first recovering at age 16. With paper and pen, just enough to make sure I've met my calorie goal by the end of the day. No more worrying about grams of carbohydrates, proteins and fat. No more obsessing.
And that, my lovely ladies, is where liberation lies. In the darkest corner - the one where your ED is clinging on by mere threads. We hardly notice it at first. It pulls, gently, lulls you into a new behavior or habit - and because you are eating, you don't even realize its your ED, trying to find some small space to still occupy, trying to find some way, as truly insignificant as it may be in the real world, some way to hold on. Tiny little threads - the frayed ends of what we are still working to mend can be so very easy for it to grab on to. Something I have learned today is that those threads are more than enough to strangle. And so on this day, I sever those last binds. I will be free. We will all be free. Whether its one snip at a time, or one fowl swoop. It is going to be real some day, and hopefully - that day is getting closer.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago