Tuesday, June 30, 2009

From the Bottom.

Thank you all so, so much for all the support and encouragement you've given me the past few days. Honestly - words are not enough to express my gratitude. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have you all. Who knew so many beautiful people could be part of the same community?

That being said - I learned something tremendous today.
In the darkest moments, the ones when we feel most desperate and afraid, is where we find ourselves, our inspiration to move forward. Its when we feel most incapable, and we are forced to deal with something we've been avoiding for far too long, that we grow and move onto the next phases of finding ourselves again.

This morning, I totally screwed up my meal plans. This is not something I am proud of, but over the past month or two, I have gotten into the habit of counting how many grams of fat, protein and carbohydate I was eating and making myself entirely insane trying to make sure it all equaled out at the end of the day. So if I had an extra gram of protein, I had to have one less carbohydrate - that sorta thing. Totally crazy, right?
Well. Yours truly made what anorexia would call a "grievous error". Whilst calculating my calories - I totally forgot to account for the grams of fat in my newly-added dessert to dinner. I counted in the 200 calories, but not the 11g fat. So while the calories added up perfect - grams of fat was way more than usual.
Enter anorexic panic. I was SO mad at myself. I felt like giving up because "eating was just too stressful." My mom got really mad at me as she was home when all of this lovely realization occured. She said some rather cruel things.
First instinct: Restrict.restrict. restrict. Because, well life sucks and what else is there? And you'll end up having way too many grams of fat today, far more than you need.
What Tori actually did: Tori stuck to her meal plan as it was, no changes, no cut backs. And enjoyed her chocolate-coconut-White Chocolate PB oats for breakfast.

As well as a Coffee Chocolate Jocalat bar after lunch.

And Dove dark chocolate after dinner. Yep. Allllll that goodness in one day.
(in case your wondering - its that time of the month where chocolate has become my best friend)

I did not die. Nothing horrific has happened.
In fact, something beautiful did.
I have decided from this day forth - no more excruciating calculations. I'll track my calories the way I used to when I was first recovering at age 16. With paper and pen, just enough to make sure I've met my calorie goal by the end of the day. No more worrying about grams of carbohydrates, proteins and fat. No more obsessing.

And that, my lovely ladies, is where liberation lies. In the darkest corner - the one where your ED is clinging on by mere threads. We hardly notice it at first. It pulls, gently, lulls you into a new behavior or habit - and because you are eating, you don't even realize its your ED, trying to find some small space to still occupy, trying to find some way, as truly insignificant as it may be in the real world, some way to hold on. Tiny little threads - the frayed ends of what we are still working to mend can be so very easy for it to grab on to. Something I have learned today is that those threads are more than enough to strangle. And so on this day, I sever those last binds. I will be free. We will all be free. Whether its one snip at a time, or one fowl swoop. It is going to be real some day, and hopefully - that day is getting closer.


  1. good for you! i am SO proud of you! counting calories is enough to make me go crazy, so i cant even imagine if i tried to count every fat, carb, and protein gram! just think how much FREER you'll feel without worrying about all those numbers! normal people (yes, even normal SKINNY people) don't worry about that stuff, so why should we? that's what i have been telling myself.

    for example, turning 21 has been rough bc everyone wants to go out for drinks all the time. my first instinct was to look up the calories in all the diff types of alcoholic beverages & choose the one w/ the least calories and carbs. but tonight i'm going out w/ my friend who i havent seen in months and i'm going to order WHAT I'M IN THE MOOD FOR. NOT what ED is in the mood for. and it's going to be tough and i'll probably be freaking out about how "unhealthy" i'm being, but oh well. ED can burn in hell while i enjoy my daquiri!!!

    anyway enough about me. I'm glad YOU have come to this BIG realization and that you're making the next big step. this is a long journey (and i've only been recovering for 2 and a half months, so i can only imagine how exhausting your journey has been), but it will be SO worth it in the end.

    here's another tip--today i was feeling ugly and gross, so i walked to the park, sat on a bench, and wrote some lists in my journal, such as things ED has stolen from me, and things worth living for, and goals for short and long-term. it felt really good to write it down, so now i know if i slip i can go back and look at that list of horrible ED things and push myself to keep fighting!

  2. I'm really really proud of you for not giving in to stupid ED. I know how tempting it can be.

    The day I stopped counting (EVERYTHING!!) was seriously one of the most liberating days of my entire life. I'm proud of you for taking this step...really proud! <3

    By the way - anyone who loves Nutella, I love ;)

  3. I'm absolutely overwhelmed with how happy I am for you. I know it can be so tough to let something like that go, and yet with letting it go, you gain so much more. More freedom, more peace of mind, and more ground in your recovery.

    Much love,

  4. I am SO happy for you <3
    love love love your blog! and YOU. you are so beautiful and inpirational <3

  5. heck ya baby, heck ya! I am loving this post and could not be prouder of you! So glad that you are not listening to stupid freaking Ed! I mean really who the heck does he think he is trying to stress you all out over some grams of HEALTH?! He's an idiot that's what he is. He obviously thinks that by making you obsess over something completely and utterly irrelevant that he still "has" you. WRONG. You are wayy too strong for his grasp and he is losing the battle. So glad that you are cutting the threads and breaking free! Could not be happier for you!

    This little comment of yours..."That being said - I learned something tremendous today. In the darkest moments, the ones when we feel most desperate and afraid, is where we find ourselves, our inspiration to move forward. Its when we feel most incapable, and we are forced to deal with something we've been avoiding for far too long, that we grow and move onto the next phases of finding ourselves again." You took the words right out of my mouth! So beautifully spoken and so elequently put, you hit the nail right on the dang head! Hell yessss for the clarity! You are moving forward and breaking ground and kicking that kiddo Ed in the ass! No more living in chains, no more counting, no more focusing on the irrelevant but JUST LIVING!

    so happy for you!

  6. Thats brilliant, you dealt with that situation so well!! It really shows the great steps you've made in your recovery.
    I find myself stressing over protein ratios etc as well and I know how agonising it can be, Im glad to hear your going to stop it, after all people who havent got EDS dont generally work out the protein/carb/fats in their sandwich, they just eat what they feel like, which is what we all want to get towards.
    Your doing really well, maybe someday wouldnt it be nice to give up counting completly!
    Have a great day,

  7. hi girly! I always have a problem here not beoing able to comment... anyway now can!:)

    I know I hardly give wise comment (like I can)... but I just want u to know that I am always reading enteries. and showing my support for you. OK.

    You are such a strong girl, my inspiration !


  8. I just realize I'm also focusing too much on ratios!!
    You're right, it's not the end of the world and it's should not control our life! :)

    Love those inspiring post.

  9. Oh Tori I could not be happier for you! This is such a kick in the arse for ED and you should be so proud of yourself for doing it. You deserve to be free. To live life according to Tori, not ED or anybody else for that matter. You enjoy all that chocolatey goodness girl ;)


  10. I am very proud of you, because I can sympathize with the obsessive compulsive counting of calories, net carbs, etc... I just wanted to let you know that this post, in particular, made me realize how much my ED has been holding me back from living. For this, I wanted to thank you, and say that you have inspired me to be stronger.

  11. Great job on deciding to not count every little detail of your food. Just calories is a big step closer to getting better than counting calories AND grams of everything! Way to go!

  12. You are always so eloquent in your revelations. I'm glad you are willing to share them with the blogworld.

    It's weird how something as basic as eating for mankind can become something so "stressful" for some of us. I wish it wasn't so!

  13. You just made a HUGE step towards recovery, and I am so SO proud of you!!


  14. You and i need to get together and go bowling! I swear, everytime i read your blog i feel like you and i are going through almost exactly the same thing (i recently moved back in with the 'rents, and just had the same carb/fat/protien argument with myself). Am happy to say you have aided my motivation to be better every single day, AND that i bought an avocado the other day for the first time and am actually eating it! Not to mention having almond butter on a daily basis after i get back from the gym AND i have officially thrown away my food scale. Am I meaning to brag? A bit, bu am wanting to say thank you for the inspiration even more and wanted to let you know that you can feel free to Email or PM me whenever your in the need of a vent session, it only seems right to try help you as well.

    Stay strong, know you are loved, and start everyday by looking in the mirror and realizing how gorgeous you are. Seriously... lets hook up (lol)

  15. Tori, I just want to fling you into the air and yell, "HIP HIP HOORAH!!!!" Isn't the liberation GLORIOUS? It's so amazing...when you GIVE up that obsessive calculation, it's amazing how FREE you feel, and how ridiculous our previous anxieties seem to be now. you've made a huge breakthrough, and I am SO proud of you.
    And guess what? When I gave up that calculations, I really started to listen to my own body, and the meals I make...without even planning it, it just turns out pretty well-balanced...now THAT's intuitive, natural eating!

  16. ive done that too recently, switched from computer calculating to just adding up calories.
    its much less stressful, even though i still have to estimate how much protein/fat ive had in my head to check im having enough. :)
    well done xx